I want to leave this Mormon bubble and travel the world. Would love some advice and support

[wanderer]

So, I am a sophomore at a church school, and have been going through faith deconstruction for the past year or so. It has been really lonely, and I am so weary of hiding my true self, but am also sensitive/conflict-avoidant and not ready to face the tension and rejection that will almost certainly occur in my relationships with my parents and sibs and extended family members and friends and basically everybody in my life, who are almost all TBMs, if I tell them about my change in beliefs. I really just want to leave this Mormon bubble and experience the world as it really is. I want to backpack around Europe and Asia (and possibly other places) as cheaply as I can, doing work exchanges and volunteer work and such. How can I explain why I want to do this, without disclosing my disbelief? My parents want me to continue college or go on a mission. I used to want to go on a mission (I'm a girl so it's not my priesthood duty, btw) but don't want to anymore as it would be dishonest and hurtful to do so. I've told them I have prayed about it and it didn't feel right (true, but not the whole story). I still really want the travel and service experience associated with a mission. Anyone else here have this deep desire to travel and experience this whole amazing, complex world beyond Mormonism after their deconstruction? Anyways, I would love some advice and encouragement from my fellow wanderers. Thanks

[MoPag]

Hi Wanderer! Welcome to our ward family! That sucks that you are stuck at a church school. I went to BYUI. It drove me crazy even as a TBM (a pretty liberal TBM but still...) Do they still have study abroad programs? They had a lot of those when I went there. Maybe that would be something to tide you over until you graduate and you can leave the Mormon bubble for good.

[wanderer]

Hi Wanderer! Welcome to our ward family!

Thanks! I want to do an actual introduction sometime soon I think

That sucks that you are stuck at a church school. I went to BYUI. It drove me crazy even as a TBM (a pretty liberal TBM but still...)

Yeah it does kind of suck... I've recently met some liberal mormons and have been becoming friends with them which has been awesome, but yeah, it feels very constraining.

Do they still have study abroad programs? They had a lot of those when I went there. Maybe that would be something to tide you over until you graduate and you can leave the Mormon bubble for good.

Yes, they do, and it is definitely something I have considered. I would prefer to just travel on my own or with friends though. I have been looking at this website called workaway.info which has a lot of volunteer opportunities where they give you free room and board in return - some of these opportunities seem really cool and like something I would love to be part of. I wouldn't get school credit of course, but I think I would learn so much and just develop more as a person, you know?

[Red Ryder]

Welcome!

Here's my advice:

Keep it simple.
Plan your dream trip.
Pack your bags.
Hug everyone goodbye.
Go and see the world.
Document every minute of it!

No need to tell anyone of your changing religious paradigm before you go. That might convince people to prevent you from going. Just focus them on the idea that you want to see the world while you are young. If this means you pull out of school for a year or two then do that. School will always be there when you come back. I'd even suggest not telling anyone of your disaffection BEFORE you go. You may even consider using Mormonism to your advantage here like planning to visit every European Temple (gag) or trace your genealogy roots back to Denmark. What ever you have to do to get support from the family. Then go travel the world and come home DIFFERENT. Let them all assume it's because the world changed you.

Mormons will never understand your disbelief. They will never validate or accept it. Deep down they will be jealous of your ability to walk off the beaten path and blaze your own trail.

PS. Stay away from the mormon themed study abroad programs. They won't meet your expectations and are often misguided attempts to proclaim the gospel!

Good luck!

PSS. Missionary service isn't the same as the travel and service experience you seek! Not even close!

[Linked]

I agree with what Red Ryder said, you can pull off your dream trip without setting off too many alarm bells. Just be super excited about the trip and the opportunities that it offers. Keep up your line of a mission not feeling right, and this does. There is no better time in your life to do this than where you are right now. ~20 years old, no spouse or kids, no significant debt. You are an adult without too much of the responsibility that eventually enters life. Even if you are afraid to commit to going plan the trip so that when your courage is high all you have to do is send one email or make one call.

Sorry if we are living vicariously through you...

[Corsair]

I understand your desire for conflict avoidance. With that in mind, you should at least cultivate the correct long term attitude towards the church. That attitude is: Indifference. Stop caring about whatever those old dudes say in Salt Lake City.

For your more immediate question, I have a couple of suggestions that you are welcome to use or ignore since it is just free advice. First, get your passport and then get on the Global Entry program. This will get you the shorter lines in airports. You don't need to pay the extra fee to expedite your passport. I got passports for my kids earlier this year and the passports came back in two weeks.

One of the biggest things you need is money and independence. Start researching student internship programs so that you have both job experience and money. It's entirely OK to delay graduation if you can add an internship. In my engineering program there was one option to work in a nuclear power plant along the Rhine River for a summer if you spoke German. Select some interesting companies and pester their public PR, phone, and email contacts for information about internship. Apply for a whole bunch all over the United States and into Europe. You might be a bit limited based on work visas and whatever languages you speak.

But even if you end up just one state away from your current location, you will have the chance to live as a normal human. You can save up money, live in a tiny apartment, and figure out what you really want to be. Many internships will let you stay on for the summer and through the subsequent semester. I delayed my own graduation for an internship that ultimately paid for my Masters degree. There are lots of great possibilities in your current age and education level.

[wanderer]

Thank you for all of your great advice, everyone. It seriously feels so good to have this validation and encouragement.

Welcome!

Here's my advice:

Keep it simple.
Plan your dream trip.
Pack your bags.
Hug everyone goodbye.
Go and see the world.
Document every minute of it!

No need to tell anyone of your changing religious paradigm before you go. That might convince people to prevent you from going. Just focus them on the idea that you want to see the world while you are young. If this means you pull out of school for a year or two then do that. School will always be there when you come back. I'd even suggest not telling anyone of your disaffection BEFORE you go. You may even consider using Mormonism to your advantage here like planning to visit every European Temple (gag) or trace your genealogy roots back to Denmark. What ever you have to do to get support from the family. Then go travel the world and come home DIFFERENT. Let them all assume it's because the world changed you.

Love this advice! I think this exactly the kind of thing I want to do. I just need to work up the courage to tell them that I am going, and not let them try to persuade me otherwise... I like your Mormon-y ideas to help persuade them that this is a good idea, btw I could also say that my travels will give me lots of missionary and service opportunities! I definitely want to document it ... I was considering creating a blog or youtube channel for this

Mormons will never understand your disbelief. They will never validate or accept it. Deep down they will be jealous of your ability to walk off the beaten path and blaze your own trail.

Sometimes I hear stories of families being very accepting of their family members who have lost belief, and these make me hopeful (for example, thinker of thoughts says his family's been pretty great) but yeah, this is probably a far more realistic approach. I remember feeling deeply uncomfortable with people who had left the church when I was a TBM, so I understand how they feel (kind of makes me frustrated with my past self) I hope we can still have good times together, even with this part of me they will never understand or accept unless they go through a faith crisis of their own... As for them being jealous deep down, it could happen, but would they ever actually acknowledge that to me?

PS. Stay away from the mormon themed study abroad programs. They won't meet your expectations and are often misguided attempts to proclaim the gospel!

Good luck!

PSS. Missionary service isn't the same as the travel and service experience you seek! Not even close!

Thanks for the tips, I think they are quite accurate based on what I've heard/read about these programs. And seriously, Red Ryder, thanks so much for taking the time to write such a helpful response

I agree with what Red Ryder said, you can pull off your dream trip without setting off too many alarm bells. Just be super excited about the trip and the opportunities that it offers. Keep up your line of a mission not feeling right, and this does. There is no better time in your life to do this than where you are right now. ~20 years old, no spouse or kids, no significant debt. You are an adult without too much of the responsibility that eventually enters life. Even if you are afraid to commit to going plan the trip so that when your courage is high all you have to do is send one email or make one call.

Sorry if we are living vicariously through you...

Thanks, Linked. Really solid advice and so encouraging. You're right, this really does seem like a pretty ideal time in life to do this kind of thing. And no worries about living vicariously through me, haha I will try to post updates here on how things are going with my plans, travels, etc.

I understand your desire for conflict avoidance. With that in mind, you should at least cultivate the correct long term attitude towards the church. That attitude is: Indifference. Stop caring about whatever those old dudes say in Salt Lake City.

I think that this is a good idea for my own personal views/approach to the church, but I don't think I will really stop caring entirely, as what the church does really affects the lives and the views and wellbeing of people beyond myself that I love and care about deeply, you know?

For your more immediate question, I have a couple of suggestions that you are welcome to use or ignore since it is just free advice. First, get your passport and then get on the Global Entry program. This will get you the shorter lines in airports. You don't need to pay the extra fee to expedite your passport. I got passports for my kids earlier this year and the passports came back in two weeks.

I already have my passport ( ) but I'll have to look into the Global Entry program. Does it work worldwide?

One of the biggest things you need is money and independence. Start researching student internship programs so that you have both job experience and money. It's entirely OK to delay graduation if you can add an internship. In my engineering program there was one option to work in a nuclear power plant along the Rhine River for a summer if you spoke German. Select some interesting companies and pester their public PR, phone, and email contacts for information about internship. Apply for a whole bunch all over the United States and into Europe. You might be a bit limited based on work visas and whatever languages you speak.

But even if you end up just one state away from your current location, you will have the chance to live as a normal human. You can save up money, live in a tiny apartment, and figure out what you really want to be. Many internships will let you stay on for the summer and through the subsequent semester. I delayed my own graduation for an internship that ultimately paid for my Masters degree. There are lots of great possibilities in your current age and education level.

I've definitely looked into doing an internship. Thanks for the encouragement and tips for looking into it more - it seems like a great idea. Do you know of any good websites, etc., that you recommend for finding internship opportunities?

Well, that was a really long response Thanks again everyone!

[NOMinally Mormon]

I lived in Europe after graduating from college through a worker exchange program. Living and working overseas is an great learning experience. My experience helped me get beyond an amerocentric world view.

[Raylan Givens]

Lots of internships through the poli-sci department. I had a science background and they loved it. Set me up with a PAID internship in DC. The organization I worked with liked me enough to keep paying me and I extended my internship (the nightlife of Adams Morgan is fun). Holiday weekend trips to N.Y. and Boston were fun too.

Perhaps a medical mission in remote areas? When our kids leave the house in ten years, we are quitting out jobs and are going to serve somewhere. Then come back and start over.

You are going to do fine.

[moksha]

Wanderer, that sounds like a fun adventure you have planned. Best wishes.

I liked Red Ryder's advice, but I can't remember if he mentioned keeping track of your towel. I read somewhere about that being an important travel consideration.

BTW, if you run across any Scandinavian students while staying at various youth hostels, make sure to plug the idea of an eventual Penguin resettlement to the Laplands. This is very important considering the melting which is occurring on the Ross Ice Shelf.

[moksha]

... that sounds like a fun adventure you have planned.

Double ha! I know for a fact that your idea of a European adventure is to watch a Youtube video of Helsinki.

[blazerb]

BTW, if you run across any Scandinavian students while staying at various youth hostels, make sure to plug the idea of an eventual Penguin resettlement to the Laplands. This is very important considering the melting which is occurring on the Ross Ice Shelf.

I seem to remember from decades ago an effort to take penguins to the Arctic. I think they were quickly consumed by the polar bears. Stay to the south, good penguin. At least there's land at the south pole.

[Thoughtful]

Years ago I looked into a program where individuals or families could travel and work on self sustaining organic farms with local farmers. I wanted to do it with my kids, spending six weeks in a summer in Sweden, etc.

I wish I could remember the name of the program.

I hope you do get out and travel and see the world! <3

[Reuben]

I liked Red Ryder's advice, but I can't remember if he mentioned keeping track of your towel. I read somewhere about that being an important travel consideration.

Hey, you should listen to grampa moksha. He's a hoopy frood who really knows where his towel is.

Above all, don't panic!

[MalcolmVillager]

Find a way to be safe. My Ricks college roommate's dad (a seminary teacher) always told him "don't let your schooling get in the way of your education."

I missed out on some epic trips in my college days and so regret that.

Don't be gone so long that it kills your schooling either. Careers are important in the long run!

[achilles]

Oh, Wanderer, to be young and unencumbered, to travel the world! When I was 18 I started planning my European experience. Then the mission got in the way (in Asia, no regrets). After I came back, I continued college and continued to plan my backpacking adventure through Europe. But I had a strict career trajectory, and never got there.

I think one of the things many of us here learn (sometimes the hard way...) is that it really is nobody else's business what you believe. You don't have to disclose anything to anybody. To your Bishop. To your home teachers and visiting teachers. You have no obligation to anyone to detail your changing beliefs, unless you want them to know. Nobody is entitled to what is in the depths of your heart, in spite of what Mormondom teaches.

Anyway, I think you should go! Find an internship or a way to help other people somewhere in the world. On my mission, I wished I could do a lot more service, and service without the ulterior motivation of finding more investigators. You don't have to be a Mormon missionary. And when you come back, maybe you can transfer to a state school? Who knows. The world is your oyster. And eventually, you will feel like explaining things to your closest peeps. Take the time to figure out what you want--don't wait until you're 40 to do it.

[Just This Guy]

Lots of internships through the poli-sci department. I had a science background and they loved it. Set me up with a PAID internship in DC. The organization I worked with liked me enough to keep paying me and I extended my internship (the nightlife of Adams Morgan is fun). Holiday weekend trips to N.Y. and Boston were fun too.

Perhaps a medical mission in remote areas? When our kids leave the house in ten years, we are quitting out jobs and are going to serve somewhere. Then come back and start over.

You are going to do fine.

I'll second the idea of internships. What better way to get out away from the church school, get real world job experience, good resume booster, Meet new people, see a new part of the country, and get paid for it as as well!

In the STEM fields, many companies will do paid summer internships, many will even have provisions for people from outside the area. When I was in school, I got a summer internship with an Aerospace company on the East Coast. They hires a lot of local people, but they would hire non-locals as well. People who where too far to commute in, they actually paid the local college to put them up in their dorms for the summer and included a meal plan as well. So they not only got room and partial board, but were paid for the summer as well. Not a bad deal.

Some mining and oil companies in my area do something similar as well. It may be living in the on site trailers, but it's still cheap/free housing.

See if the depart of the school you are going to has a career councilor. They should be able to point you to tons of internships throughout the country. The only thing I will say is if you want to do this, start getting applications thrown out now!! Most companies are looking to do their summer intern hiring around March.

[IT_Veteran]

Even when I was TBM I didn't want to stay in the bubble. The Army was my way out. Worked for me, but certainly isn't the answer for everyone.

[slavereeno]

Someone mentioned the Peace Corps in a conversation, they were talking about a sister in law that went. I guess you get $10K at the end of your service.. I don't know much about it but its a possibility.

[wanderer]

Wanted to take some time to respond Thanks for all your advice!

I lived in Europe after graduating from college through a worker exchange program. Living and working overseas is an great learning experience. My experience helped me get beyond an amerocentric world view.

That sounds awesome, NOMinally Mormon. Really hope I can do that too. What countries did you go to, may I ask? And what kind of work did you do? I love that this helped broaden your worldview - I hope it will do the same for me

Perhaps a medical mission in remote areas? When our kids leave the house in ten years, we are quitting out jobs and are going to serve somewhere. Then come back and start over.

I would love to do something like that. Do you know of any programs that would take someone who doesn't have experience in the medical field? Also, may I ask why you are waiting a decade? I think I would have loved to do this kind of thing as a kid too. Maybe ask your kids and see if they may be interested in an adventure like this? What a cool way to enrich their life experience while they are young and bond as a family. Of course, all kids are different and not all would want to leave their friends, school, country, etc. in order to experience another part of the world in this way, so I understand if it just won't work for your family.

You are going to do fine.

Thanks Raylan Its so really good to hear that encouragement.

Wanderer, that sounds like a fun adventure you have planned. Best wishes.

Thanks, Moksha!

I liked Red Ryder's advice, but I can't remember if he mentioned keeping track of your towel. I read somewhere about that being an important travel consideration.

Yes, very important This reminded me of a story a friend told me once involving skinny dipping at the hostel pool, a tiny travel towel, and an unexpected party at the hostel So definitely important to have a decently sized towel. Thanks for the reminder!

Years ago I looked into a program where individuals or families could travel and work on self sustaining organic farms with local farmers. I wanted to do it with my kids, spending six weeks in a summer in Sweden, etc.

I wish I could remember the name of the program.

I hope you do get out and travel and see the world! <3

Thanks, Thoughtful Was it called WWOOF? (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms - http://wwoof.net/) I've looked into this for sure! Are you still considering doing it with your kids?

Find a way to be safe.

I am taking a self defense class right now, which has been really helpful. I feel more prepared to defend myself now if the need arises. Do you have any other safety tips?

My Ricks college roommate's dad (a seminary teacher) always told him "don't let your schooling get in the way of your education."

I missed out on some epic trips in my college days and so regret that.

I totally agree - there are so many more ways to learn and educate yourself than just through school! I'm sorry that you missed out on some adventures in college... I hope to avoid those kinds of regrets. If it is still a dream for you, don't you think you could still make it happen if you make it a priority? The world is still out there, full of potential new experiences and adventures. I hope you still pursue this if you want to

Don't be gone so long that it kills your schooling either. Careers are important in the long run!

I agree, but I'm not sure what I want to do for my career (I have many different interests). I am hoping that as I experience more and try new things through travel it will help me decide what to pursue in terms of schooling and career.

Oh, Wanderer, to be young and unencumbered, to travel the world!

This line really made me smile - I think you understand why I so want to do this!

I think one of the things many of us here learn (sometimes the hard way...) is that it really is nobody else's business what you believe. You don't have to disclose anything to anybody. To your Bishop. To your home teachers and visiting teachers. You have no obligation to anyone to detail your changing beliefs, unless you want them to know. Nobody is entitled to what is in the depths of your heart, in spite of what Mormondom teaches. . . . And eventually, you will feel like explaining things to your closest peeps. Take the time to figure out what you want--don't wait until you're 40 to do it.

Honestly, this really touched me, Achilles. Thanks for sharing this insight you've gained... It really resonates with me.

Anyway, I think you should go! Find an internship or a way to help other people somewhere in the world. On my mission, I wished I could do a lot more service, and service without the ulterior motivation of finding more investigators. You don't have to be a Mormon missionary. And when you come back, maybe you can transfer to a state school? Who knows. The world is your oyster.

Yeah, I know that I would hate serving with the underlying motivation of finding investigators... I really want to serve and connect with people authentically and wholeheartedly, without an ulterior motive. Anyways, thanks for the encouragement and insight, Achilles. It has helped me feel more excited and at peace about what is to come.

I'll second the idea of internships. What better way to get out away from the church school, get real world job experience, good resume booster, Meet new people, see a new part of the country, and get paid for it as as well! ...
See if the depart of the school you are going to has a career councilor. They should be able to point you to tons of internships throughout the country. The only thing I will say is if you want to do this, start getting applications thrown out now!! Most companies are looking to do their summer intern hiring around March.

Thanks for all the tips, Just This Guy. I definitely want to look into internships more (I do already have plans for this summer though, so I think I have time to look around and find one that will really work for me).

Someone mentioned the Peace Corps in a conversation, they were talking about a sister in law that went. I guess you get $10K at the end of your service.. I don't know much about it but its a possibility.

I have considered the Peace Corps for sure! But I would need to graduate first, so it's not something I could do yet. I am keeping it in mind for the future though