In Which I Justify Watching a Rated R Movie

[achilles]

I read a couple of blog posts today, one on Feminist Mormon Housewives and one on By Common Consent that got me thinking.
http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org ... obedience/
https://bycommonconsent.com/2018/02/26/ ... the-world/

It was the summer of 1998. I had just barely graduated from college and was in the interim between my time as an undergrad and as a graduate student. I was 23 years old. I was a "good kid". Sure, I looked at internet porn every once in a while (and paid for every image with weeks of spiritual anguish and self-flagellation). I was...gasp..."same-sex attracted", so I watched my friends have normal relationships while I attempted to keep myself cloistered away, dutifully attending therapy sessions in downtown Salt Lake that would change my sexual orientation. Doing the right thing mattered. Every little thing.

About a year earlier, I was excited to hear that Steven Spielberg was going to make a movie about the storming of Normandy. I had read that it would be pretty graphic--he was trying to really capture what happened on those fateful days in June of 1944. I figured it would end up being rated-R, but I told myself "You know--this is an important subject. I believe God would justify my watching because it would grow my soul." My roommate made the same justification, and in late July of 1998 I went to see Saving Private Ryan.

I was (and still am) a tender-hearted, pacifistic young man (just a kid, really). As the men stormed Omaha Beach I literally went into shock. My blood ran cold, I began sweating, my stomach churned. I thought "Should I leave?" "Should I stay?" I stayed, and endured three hours of hell. As I tried to hold on, I latched onto that kid who got dragged into combat, the interpreter. He wasn't ready. But he made himself face his fears and was heroic in his own way.

I left the theater shocked. As I tried to go to sleep that night, I could still hear the bombs. I could still see the German pushing his knife into the Allied soldiers heart while shushing him like a little child. I became a man obsessed. I began to devour books on WWII. I turned to Benjamin Britten's War Requiem and the poems of Wilfred Owen to make sense of the senseless violence and death. The waste. I felt like I had to see the movie one more time, so I could exorcise the demon it caused to possess my heart. And again, I had to justify seeing with God. One more time.

I was a good kid. I was tormented by my attractions, by my lustful moments, and thought I was a terrible person. But I was a good kid, and couldn't see it. Wouldn't see it. Because it was pounded into my mind and heart that I shouldn't watch rated R movies. That I shouldn't masturbate, no matter my circumstances. That I must change my sexual orientation just to be acceptable to the Lord's Church and the Lord Himself.

God help me, I was a good kid.

[Fifi de la Vergne]

You were a good kid. You are a good man. And this just broke my heart.

[achilles]

You were a good kid. You are a good man. And this just broke my heart.

Aw, shucks...

[Ghost]

Thanks for sharing this. Your story reminds me a little of a movie I watched recently called Stations of the Cross. It's about a teenage girl in a fundamentalist Catholic family.

She sees herself as a vile sinner (and is encouraged to think that way by her family and teachers) but an outsider (the viewer) can see just how steadfast she actually is. (I hesitate to use the word "good" because that would seem to validate the system that she is trying to follow perfectly, similar to what you describe in your own case.)

[Hagoth]

I had just barely graduated from college and was in the interim between my time as an undergrad and as a graduate student. I was 23 years old...

That says it all. You were an adult but didn't feel like you had the right to act like an adult because you didn't have permission to grow up. I'm fighting the use of the C word.

You're a good man, Achilles. We love you.

[Reuben]

I hate how this church punishes some of its most tender-hearted members for the horrible crime of not being perfect. It's just not right.

Achilles, I can see my daughter in your story and I ache for both of you.

[Mad Jax]

The church and society in general always has a way of telling us we are defective for being what we are. It sounds like you found a measure of acceptance of yourself though, which is a priceless thing to attain.

[Corsair]

I was serving as a ward clerk and still was a full believer when "The Passion of the Christ" was released. I realize that this is not a universally loved movie and certainly is biased in several ways. There are some historical innacuracies also. But do tell me if there is a movie about any aspect of the life of Jesus that is fully objective.

My stake president made it clear in stake conference that this was an R-rated movie and we should not attend R-rated movies. But I had gone to the movie the week before so had avoided the moral crisis by a technicality. Still, I really enjoyed it realizing that while this was not something to show children, it could certainly be uplifting to someone who was spiritually and emotionally mature.

My bishop had been waffling on seeing "The Passion of the Christ". He remains a strong, orthodox believer to this day. He was actually glad that I could give a full report on the movie so that he could avoid seeing it and stay in the good graces of our stake president.

[achilles]

My stake president made it clear in stake conference that this was an R-rated movie and we should not attend R-rated movies. But I had gone to the movie the week before so had avoided the moral crisis by a technicality. Still, I really enjoyed it realizing that while this was not something to show children, it could certainly be uplifting to someone who was spiritually and emotionally mature.

We have so very many hedges around the Law. Not only do we have things like For the Strength of the Youth, but every six months there is a new meme, a new way to prove to one another how righteous and devoted we are, new suggestions from aspiring seventies, apostles, and infantilizing women leaders of how we can one-up one another in the worthiness rat race.

It constantly amazes me how the Church can simultaneously push the doctrine of the Gift of the Holy Ghost (and personal revelation), and insist on telling us every little thing we have to do. Which is it? And to second what Hagoth said--all these little rules and surveillance culture create adults who aren't adults. They are treated as children, and feel like they can't make adult decisions about their own lives. It's very sad.

For example, college is a very important time where young men and women learn to make important personal decisions, make mistakes, take the personal consequences, and stand on their own two feet. Except that doesn't happen at Church schools, or even at state and private schools with strong Institute programs. I was 38 and had two advanced degrees and two careers before I felt like I was an adult.

[IT_Veteran]

Yes! Where is the agency? If I was in tune with the spirit, wouldn't I notice when that spirit was gone? Is it really so hard to imagine that I'd be able to discern those things on my own? Why do I need somebody sitting in SLC to tell me what the rules are and then what the new rules are after that guy dies?

[vankimber]

Wow, I sought the same "permission",and for the same movie! I felt that the Lord was OK with my seeing it because it would give me a perspective on the realities of war. It wasn't easy, but I did see it, and have never regretted it. Now, of course, I'd just go, and not have such angst about it. I did have a professor at BYU in the mid 70's who assigned the class to go see some R-rated films saying, "How can you fight against something if you don't know what it is? "

[Mad Jax]

Wow, I sought the same "permission",and for the same movie! I felt that the Lord was OK with my seeing it because it would give me a perspective on the realities of war. It wasn't easy, but I did see it, and have never regretted it. Now, of course, I'd just go, and not have such angst about it. I did have a professor at BYU in the mid 70's who assigned the class to go see some R-rated films saying, "How can you fight against something if you don't know what it is? "

You should have given your report on Pink Flamingos.