Considering sending this to bishop - don't want DW to have to explain my position to him

[IT_Veteran]

Bishop,

I felt like I needed to write you to let you know that I am leaving the church. Out of respect for my wife, my children, and my other family members I do not plan to remove my name from the records of the church at this point. My plan had been to just stop coming to church and kind of fade away, but I didn't want my dear wife to have to explain my situation. Although I am not removing my records, I do not wish to be contacted by the missionaries, home teachers, or priesthood leadership.

I also feel that I need to explain why I have decided to leave. I have struggled for a long time with my testimony. I have not been able to resolve a belief that humanity is 6000-7000 years old with the knowledge that complex societies existed more than 10,000 years ago. I cannot believe that death did not exist on the earth before Adam and Eve with incontrovertible evidence to the contrary. Reading about steel, iron, horses, domesticated goats, and plants that were not introduced into the Americas until the Spanish arrived was another evidence, to me, of the Book of Mormon being incorrect. It was for these reasons that I decided to leave the church. I don't know what I believe anymore, but I know that my belief moving forward is not rooted in the Old or New Testament or Book of Mormon.

I arrived at this decision several months ago. I wrote my wife a letter/email in December but did not have the courage to send it to her until two weeks ago. From the time she read that letter, she has been very supportive of me and our relationship is strong, though it will take a while for us to find our new normal. I assured her that I am willing to support her and our children in their own faith, whatever and wherever that may be. We have notified my family and hers of my decision.

Since making that announcement I have begun researching church history. I refrained from doing so previously because I was afraid to based on the claims of anti-LDS sentiment and twisting of facts. I have been amazed and shocked at the depth of information that is available surrounding the early church that contradicts so much of what I have been taught my entire life. Not from anti-LDS sources, but from the Joseph Smith Papers, byu.edu resources, and the essays that the church released on controversial topics.

I did not know the translation of papyri was 100% incorrect when Joseph Smith wrote the Book of Abraham (the church now acknowledges this) or that he translated plates that had been created and planted by man to prove he was not being truthful.

Despite knowing polygamy existed, I had no idea that Joseph was sealed to women already married to men, whom he would then send on missions and move their wives into his home. I did not know that he married girls as young as 14. I did not know that he had an intimate relationship with a woman that was not Emma shortly before he received the revelation on polygamy.

The church, for as long as I can remember, portrayed the process of translation as Joseph sitting with the gold plates and dictating the words to be written down. I did not know how it actually happened: with his face in his hat reading the seer stone - the same stone he used to hunt treasure years before.

I did not know that Joseph did not record in any personal journals or relay to anyone his account of the first vision. I did not know there is no evidence of him having told anyone about it for many years. I did not know that there were multiple versions of the first vision: not simply different emphasis as it states in the essays the church produced, but profound differences in what he was seeking and even the number of personages he saw.

As you can imagine, not knowing these things and only finding them out after I have spent 36 years in the church has upset me. I feel angry, I feel hurt, I feel that I have been misled. I know many will say that even if it is a lie, it is an innocent one. I would vehemently disagree with that statement. Teaching youth that masturbation is next to murder in seriousness, creating shame and feelings of unworthiness that take years to overcome does real harm to people. Teaching people that they are less because they are LGBTQ, or that they cannot be baptized because their parents are, does real harm. I hope to overcome this anger with time, and I am actively working to do so. Writing this letter is one way I intend to move past the anger.

Despite all of this, I love the people of the church. I do believe that most want to do good and serve others. I hope to remain friends with them, though I understand that my membership status in the church will dictate how many of them respond. I understand that I am somewhat like a leper now: people will worry that they, their spouse, or their family members will catch what I have.

Let me be clear: I do not intend to return to the church at any point. However, I have no desire to destroy anyone else's faith. I will not raise these topics of discussion with others unbidden. However, if someone asks me, I will not lie to them either.

Sincerely,
IT_Vet

[alas]

You said that you don't want your wife put in the position of having to explain your dropping out of church. People are still going to ask her, so she needs an answer ready for the nosy that will shut off their being nosy. My husband has been asked many times why I no longer attend. Rather than attempting to explain, he simply tells them they should just ask me. Funny, but nobody ever has. It saves him having to explain, which he is uncomfortable with and he doesn't want to get something about how I feel incorrect or to feed what will just become gossip. So, this works well for everyone. People who really care about me are invited to come directly to me, while people who just want fodder for gossip are shut down. And people still leave me alone. People don't really want to know. They seem to just want to act like they care.

[IT_Veteran]

You said that you don't want your wife put in the position of having to explain your dropping out of church. People are still going to ask her, so she needs an answer ready for the nosy that will shut off their being nosy. My husband has been asked many times why I no longer attend. Rather than attempting to explain, he simply tells them they should just ask me. Funny, but nobody ever has. It saves him having to explain, which he is uncomfortable with and he doesn't want to get something about how I feel incorrect or to feed what will just become gossip. So, this works well for everyone. People who really care about me are invited to come directly to me, while people who just want fodder for gossip are shut down. And people still leave me alone. People don't really want to know. They seem to just want to act like they care.

This makes a lot of sense. I will tell her that as well. I think my wife is anxious about telling the bishop, to be honest. She’s wanted to meet with him the last two weeks, but ends up sleeping in instead because (I think) she doesn’t want the confrontation. I’m ready for the news to be out there though, so I can move on with my exmormon life.

Thank you for your honest feedback, I really do appreciate it.

[Vito]

It's well written clear request, I'm not attending and don't drop by to discuss my choice.

I hear how disturbed you are by things that were said and taught that were not factually accurate or left out important details. That you want to move on with your life after Mormonism and experience release and peace.

I hope they honor your request. My experience is that as long as your name is on the records you will be visited at some point.

For writing advice, consider if they need to know all of it?

[IT_Veteran]

It's well written clear request, I'm not attending and don't drop by to discuss my choice.

I hear how disturbed you are by things that were said and taught that were not factually accurate or left out important details. That you want to move on with your life after Mormonism and experience release and peace.

I hope they honor your request. My experience is that as long as your name is on the records you will be visited at some point.

For writing advice, consider if they need to know all of it?

Thank you. I'm trying to decide how much to delete of the specific issues I see now. None of those issues contributed to my decision, since I made it before researching church history, but I'm pretty angry about them now. I'd be willing to bet he doesn't know most of those things either. I recognize that I'm very much in a "tell the world" phase of grieving my own loss of faith, but I also recognize there's likely to be blowback from that.

[Red Ryder]

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to disengage from a bishop as long as the tone is genuine. If your mad; be mad. If your sad; be sad. Regardless of your emotions be clear that you are in charge and setting a boundary and you expect them to respect the boundary.

In regards to your letter, you've stated your reasons which are probably more cathartic for you to write than they will be for him to read and understand. I'd suggest waiting a few days or even a week, then go back and reread it. If you still feel like sending then do. If not then don't.

Some people exit quick, burn rubber to get the hell out, only then to turn around and realize your wife and kids are still in the building. It sounds like you have support so continue to get out at your own speed.

Here's a few universal tips that I've accumulated over the last 10+ years of watching disaffections.

1. Mormons will not understand why; they will only assume you have sinned in some way.

2. Mormons will never validate leaving; it's God's kingdom, why would anyone choose to leave? (See #1)

3. Your spouse will feel like their world and reality is crumbling around them; you will feel like your world and reality is expanding! Bridge the gap by being the best damn spouse you can possibly be.

4. It takes time to define and find your new normal. Always be searching, always be curious, always be learning. This may be our only time to live so go and live life.

5. Seek to become indifferent. What are the Amish up to these days?

6. Love wins the long game.

[Kishkumen]

Just tell your wife your not attending any longer. No need to tell the BP. If BP asks your wife about you, she can say to ask you himself.

You owe zero explanations to anyone except your spouse.

Live your life free of justifications. They have zero power over you. Its very likely they wont understand why, it'll just lead to confusions and messy situations. Just do your thing and they can inquire if they choose to.

[wtfluff]

As many others have mentioned: You don't owe Mr. Bishop an explanation. Also keep in mind that anything you tell him will likely get blasted to the ward council, and within minutes get tossed into the ward gossip-mill.

If you really feel the need to "tell" Mr. Bishop, you could keep it as simple as: The LDS church is a volunteer organization. I hear-by withdraw all of my volunteerism, and will no longer be attending.

Then possibly something to about not rallying the troops to bring you back.

If you'd like to offer him the opportunity to ask you why, tell him he has to read the essays before you explain anything to him, and give him links to what you want him to read.

And I agree with Alas: Your wife simply needs to refer questions to you. Most people won't ask you, they're just looking to someone like your wife to give them a lame excuse that will allow them to stay inside their comfy little bubble.

[DPRoberts]

I think I will join the choir here. There is really no good that can come of sharing your specific issues with the bishop. The last sentence of your first paragraph is really all the bishop needs to know. Your wife will get the questions anyway, but she really only needs two answers. Why does he no long come? He doesn't want to. Why doesn't he want to? You'll need to ask him.

Think about the long game here. How might the bishop use the information you give against you? Might he choose topics for lessons and talks that attempt to take on your issues in a one-sided format? Could inoculation of children (including yours) find its way to the ward council agenda? Is there some future family event where the bishop might have the power to make things difficult for you? If your information is new to him he may resent the rocks you put on his shelf. If it is not new he may judge you weak for not handling it in a faithful way.

You're not far enough into this to determine how long you will have to deal with this bishop or others he might share the information with. It might be best to keep your cards close to the vest.

[Grace2Daisy]

You know how the church organization works. This bishop may honor your request, it will however be a topic of discussion in bishopric meetings, ward council, with PH leadership and the RS will work on ways to support your wife. Keep in mind, the life span of a bishop is five years (COB sends letter to the SP at 4.8 years reminding him of the timeframe), so there will be a new bishop who will feel he is guided by the spirit to re-activate you. You can request to be placed on the "Do Not Contact" list, but there will always be a new bishop, PH leader, and a new SP, it goes on and on with each of them being lead by the spirit to work with you. It is a never ending cycle.

The advice you have been given that you owe the bishop no explanation is good. You only hold an allegiance to your DW, and that is all you need to hold sacred. My best to you going forward with this new chapter in your life. I've walked it as well.

[IT_Veteran]

Thanks to everybody for the advice and support. I did ask my wife if she’d like me to send something to him so she isn’t holding the bag on Sunday, and she said yes. So I took the advice I received here and only sent him the first and third, and last two paragraphs and did not mention any specific issues.

Our discussion last night also led to a discussion of the petition to protect LDS youth and what is happening to the author of the petition. She signed the petition! She was absolutely shocked by some of the questions asked of our youth. She also agreed that there is no place for 1:1 interviews about sex with our children and will attend all of them in the future.

After she signed it she looked at me and said “maybe we’ll just get excommunicated together!” I know she was kidding, but this is not something I could ever picture her joking about before now.

[Hagoth]

IT_veteran, I think you did the right thing. Most people, once you start telling them your reasons will immediately snap into "he got deceived by anti-Mormon literature mode."

I really like the suggestions that the spouse should just tell people to ask you for themselves, and if they do (they won't) to respond with a request that they read the essays and then sit down with you prepared to discuss them. I have given that offer to local leaders and that has been the end of it. They don't even want to read what is in the church approved essays. They just don't want to know anything that might rock their boat.

[IT_Veteran]

Thanks again all. Hagoth - I did actually add that to the letter as well - that anyone that asks my wife why I no longer attend be directed to me.

[Mad Jax]

My plan had been to just stop coming to church and kind of fade away, but I didn't want my dear wife to have to explain my situation.

Just go to one final fast and testimony meeting and announce to the ward that you are now a son of perdition. That ought to keep people from bugging your wife.

[IT_Veteran]

DW came home from church today and said she had a great meeting with the bishop. He had read the letter and she had a previously scheduled meeting.

He first wanted to know if I had been offended by anyone in the ward or by him personally. She assured him that I had not. I guess the statement in the letter that I love most people in the church concerned him, but DW explained that’s pretty much everybody except the leaders in SLC.

He agreed not to contact me and let the ward council know that I’m not coming back to church. DW also told him I’d be willing to participate with non-religious activities on occasion, so I’ll take those calls (we had talked about this ahead of time).

DW expressed concern that I might be ex’d since I talked about it the other night and he reassured her he sees no reason to.

All in all, I think DW and I are happy with the outcome.

[græy]

...she has been very supportive of me and our relationship is strong, though it will take a while for us to find our new normal.

All in all, I think DW and I are happy with the outcome.

Congratulations! You've got a great wife there! Let her know that.