My only job with kids

This is for encouragement, ideas, and support for people going through a faith transition no matter where you hope to end up. This is also the place to laugh, cry, and love together.
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Raylan Givens
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My only job with kids

Post by Raylan Givens » Sun Mar 18, 2018 12:28 am

This post is based on Thoughtful's post about laying awake thinking about whether they are screwing to their kids.

This past week after dealing with some big struggles at school, I have come to the conclusion. That my only job really is to keep my kids safe and provide them opportunities to grow.

I have worried so much about the outcome lately and how that will affect ME. I have decided I can't, it will drive me crazy, plus it isn't about me.

I am still having a hard time shaking the idea that I am a failure if it all doesn't turn out the way I want. This is especially true when I find myself having a harder time loving one if my kiddos that is displaying behaviors that I really find socially problematic/terrible.

Any advice for when you let go and how it felt? Who knows, maybe DW and I's family is going through this when they think of our lack of involvement in the Church.
"Ah, you know, I think you use the Bible to do whatever the hell you like" - Raylan Givens

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No Tof
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Re: My only job with kids

Post by No Tof » Sun Mar 18, 2018 5:08 am

Someone told me once that the best thing we can do to help our kids grow up to be good people is just let them develop without too much interference. The idea that we all come with the "software" to be great and it is just getting messed with that stunts our growth.

Im no expert but after seeing our five kids grow up in the church, graduate from BYU and then progress out of the church to become pretty stable and rational adults, I think that person was right. They had the right stuff all along and I was just an observer for the most part.

So, I would say relax. Enjoy the experience of watching your kids grow and develop. Despite the pressure of our church involvement and the BS crazy stuff we were all a part of, despite this, the kids have become happy, well adjusted and I believe, sincerely making an effort to build up their communities and the world.

Looking back I think it was in spite of my efforts not because of them. Probably just having fun together was the best part of parenting for both us and them. The structured efforts were less useful. IMO
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.
Rumi

Anon70
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Re: My only job with kids

Post by Anon70 » Sun Mar 18, 2018 10:46 am

No Tof’s thoughts are similar to my own. Be available and accessible to them. Listen. Encourage. This push by our church to MOLD them is counterproductive.

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alas
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Re: My only job with kids

Post by alas » Sun Mar 18, 2018 11:11 am

I agree with this. Our kids already come hardwired for more than most people currently understand. I have long laughed at the male psychologists and their theories of child development. The behaviorist who said you can program a child to become anything you want. I laughed and said obviously he has never been a mother. Then a few years later the behaviorist so discovered that they could only train animals/people in ways that were consistent with what the animal/people already was/were. Piage who had these theories of when children develop certain cognitive abilities. I went home and tested my kids and played around with the ideas by "tweaking" his tests and discovered that either I have three geniouses or the "expert" missed something. Sure enough, now they have "tweaked" his tests and he missed something. Infants have abilities that he claimed did not develop until 7 or 8.

No, our children come hardwired for 50-90% of who they are going to be. They have studied identical twins separated at birth, and you know, they turn out just like the identical twins raised together, except for the fact that they grew up apart. They have the same taste in music, art, occupations, everything. Even when one twin was abused by adoptive parents, the twins are so much alike in most things that it is shocking.

Turns out, the only thing that really matters is who you pick as their other parent as long as you are a *good enough* parent.

The argument between nature and nurture has been won by nature. * If you are even a half decent parent.* Sure, you can screw your kids up with poor nutrition, abuse, neglect, stress. As mentioned in another thread abuse permanently changes the child's brain structure. And poor nutrition or disease can change a person's genotype. Say they have the genes to be tall, but have poor nutrition or start smoking as my one uncle did at 11, then they will never grow to be as tall as their genes predict. But other than pretty major life castrophies, how you parent them is *good enough* unless it is what anyone with common sense knows would be damaging.

As an example, I had one kid with no separation anxiety and no fear of strangers as an infant, a very happy baby. Sure enough as an adult she still trusts everybody. Gets her into all kinds of trouble, but she bounces back and is always happy and still trusting after abuse, cheating....you name it. My second baby was born untrusting, fearful, unhappy, and still as an adult is untrusting, fearful, with a tendency to depression, but still has been through much less crap that her sister, but is more unhappy about it all. But their basic personality is all inborn.

So, accept who they are and watch it unfold and love them for who they are. Don't try to change them, just encourage them in the way that will make them happy, teach them, don't mold them. You are not molding out of clay, but polishing what is already beautiful.

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MerrieMiss
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Re: My only job with kids

Post by MerrieMiss » Sun Mar 18, 2018 4:06 pm

Raylan Givens wrote:
Sun Mar 18, 2018 12:28 am
I have come to the conclusion. That my only job really is to keep my kids safe and provide them opportunities to grow.

I have worried so much about the outcome lately and how that will affect ME. I have decided I can't, it will drive me crazy, plus it isn't about me.

I am still having a hard time shaking the idea that I am a failure if it all doesn't turn out the way I want. This is especially true when I find myself having a harder time loving one if my kiddos that is displaying behaviors that I really find socially problematic/terrible.
Something I found very useful was Alison Gopnik's description of being a parent as a comparison to being a carpenter or a gardener.

From The Atlantic https://www.theatlantic.com/education/a ... nt/501236/:
Gopnik musters all this evidence in an attempt to persuade parents and educators to stop trying to mold children into adults with some desirable mix of characteristics, the way a carpenter might build a cabinet from a set of plans. Instead, we adults should model ourselves on gardeners, who create a nurturing ecosystem for children to flourish, but accept our limited ability to control or even predict the outcome of. Rather than viewing parenting as an activity or skill to be mastered, adults should simply be parents.

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Raylan Givens
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Re: My only job with kids

Post by Raylan Givens » Tue Mar 20, 2018 4:39 am

Love the thoughts, thank you.
"Ah, you know, I think you use the Bible to do whatever the hell you like" - Raylan Givens

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