Took a big step today - out with everybody

[IT_Veteran]

So, I posted this on my FB feed about an hour ago. Needless to say, I'm pretty terrified of what the fallout might be. However, so far all my exmo/nevermo friends and family have been very supportive. TBM DW said the statement was perfect. Some TBM members from my ward commented to express love and support for me regardless. Overall, I'm pretty happy with the outcome so far. I feel like I'm living more authentically and honestly. Here's the statement if anybody's curious:

Friends and family:

There have been some big changes in my life lately. A few months ago, I decided to leave the Mormon church. For many of my friends, this doesn’t have much meaning. That’s okay, but please be respectful - this is not the time or place to ask if I’ll go get a beer with you.

For those of my friends and family that this is a big deal for, I understand. Please know that I spent many years trying to regain a testimony. I will not go into specifics of what doubts and questions caused me to lose my faith. It is not my desire to convince anyone that I am right and they are wrong. I won’t shy away from questions, but I won’t give my opinion in a public post, so as to preserve the feelings and testimony of my family and friends that are happy in the church.

This decision was not reached easily. I can promise all of you reading this, it’s not the easy way out. I did not leave the church or lose my testimony because of unresolved sins, a desire to sin, laziness, or any of the other reasons automatically assumed when someone leaves the church. I have never spent more time wrestling with a decision. I've never laid awake more nights wondering which way I should go or how it would affect my family. Even posting this is incredibly hard because I recognize the effect it will have on many of my close relationships.

Until this week I was content to keep pretending, among most of you, that I was still in the church. For those of you that are in my ward, I’m sure I would have just seemed to have become inactive. This week some prett terrible revelations about the church failing to protect young missionaries in the MTC from a sexual predator, who also happened to be the MTC president, and subsequently trying to discredit his accuser when she went public forced my hand.

I will no longer be silent. I will no longer pretend for anyone that I am associated with a church that would treat its young people, trying to serve faithfully, with such disregard in order to protect the name of the church.

I hope that all of you will realize that I am still the same person I was before I made this announcement. I am a good person. I love my kids and my wife, I want nothing but the best for them. The overwhelming majority of children are raised in this world without the church and are happy, well-adjusted people. My kids will be able to choose for themselves whether they believe or not. I will support them no matter what and I will do everything I can to help them be good people.

I hope our association with each other is as important to you as it is to me. If you feel like you need to unfriend me or break off contact, I understand. I’m sad you feel that way, but I understand.

For those that are saddened by my decision, I sympathize with you. I've been where you are at now, when a loved one seems to turn their back on the things they (and you) believe in. It's hard to watch and it's hard to understand. Please understand that this is not a rejection of you. Just know that I am okay and that I am happy.

[slavereeno]

I am envious.

[crossmyheart]

I wish I had the courage to post something like this. I love the 3rd paragraph the most- probably sums up all of our shared experience.

Thanks for sharing.

Interested to hear how well it is accepted.

[IT_Veteran]

I wish I had the courage to post something like this. I love the 3rd paragraph the most- probably sums up all of our shared experience.

Thanks for sharing.

Interested to hear how well it is accepted.

So far it's been pretty positive. Several TBM ward members reached out to say they love me and support me. One is married to a high councilor and the other to a bishopric member. Hoping that doesn't mean I get an invite to a CoL now, but we'll see. Everyone else has also seemed to be very supportive and encouraged me to just be me (they're all exmo/nevermo). There were a few surprises with people's own statements of non-faith as well.

I had one older member of the ward reach out via PM to lament the loss of another "warrior for Jesus". He closed by saying:

May your voice be heard in such a way that you are never the stifled warrior.

Here's my response:

Thanks, it's nice to not feel stifled anymore.

I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop as more family and TBM friends check FB later. Overall, not as bad as I thought it would be.

As for not being brave enough to do it... I wrote the post (mostly last night) in an email with no subject and nobody in the to: field. I copied and pasted it into FB three times before just deciding to hit send and let the chips fall wherever they may. Every time I'd start to chicken out, I'd go read another article about Joseph Bishop.

[SeeNoEvil]

This took a lot of courage. Should this ruffle a few feathers stand your ground.

IT_Veteran wrote: I will no longer be silent. I will no longer pretend

- Your awesome!

[IT_Veteran]

Lol, thanks. The responses have still been largely positive. I've had a few PM's to express disappointment with my decision. So far one wanting more information about what caused me to doubt and helped me to make the decision.

[SeeNoEvil]

Lol, thanks. The responses have still been largely positive. I've had a few PM's to express disappointment with my decision. So far one wanting more information about what caused me to doubt and helped me to make the decision.

I got these questions when I resigned. At first I tried to answer everyone's questions until it became a game of them trying to argue my points. Now I just refer them to the following links and they can come back to me if they want to really discuss and not argue.

https://mormonessays.com/
https://cesletter.org/
http://www.letterformywife.com/
http://www.mormonthink.com/

[IT_Veteran]

Make that two people now.

The first one is questioning. She wants to know more.

The second one promised not to try and convert me or bring me back, but wanted to understand.

Both conversations went pretty well, TBH.

[IT_Veteran]

So now both have asked for the letter. One is questioning, the other has a questioning wife that he wants to understand.

[IT_Veteran]

Looks like the other shoe has dropped. This is from my dad this evening:

IT_Veteran if you keep airing your greviences against the Church for the actions of a few mortal and fallible men in a public forum that your children have access to I will predict three things. You will turn them against the Church. You will continue to break your Mother's heart. You will make me understand more fully exactly how Alma and Mosiah felt.
Your Mother has been crying non-stop since your last post. Please use restraint and realize that the Church is run by men, subject to the temptations of the world, not perfect beings.

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

Looks like the other shoe has dropped. This is from my dad this evening:

IT_Veteran if you keep airing your greviences against the Church for the actions of a few mortal and fallible men in a public forum that your children have access to I will predict three things. You will turn them against the Church. You will continue to break your Mother's heart. You will make me understand more fully exactly how Alma and Mosiah felt.
Your Mother has been crying non-stop since your last post. Please use restraint and realize that the Church is run by men, subject to the temptations of the world, not perfect beings.

He certainly has that last part right, wish those leaders would admit to more fallibility. Sorry to hear your Mom is so upset. Looks like the classic "you'll screw up your kids" method of scare-mongering.

[glass shelf]

Welcome to the other side.

When I posted a similar letter a couple of years ago, I got requests from more info from a few people. Two are totally out with their families now.

[glass shelf]

Looks like the other shoe has dropped. This is from my dad this evening:

IT_Veteran if you keep airing your greviences against the Church for the actions of a few mortal and fallible men in a public forum that your children have access to I will predict three things. You will turn them against the Church. You will continue to break your Mother's heart. You will make me understand more fully exactly how Alma and Mosiah felt.
Your Mother has been crying non-stop since your last post. Please use restraint and realize that the Church is run by men, subject to the temptations of the world, not perfect beings.

In response to this, I'll say that you are not responsible for your parents feelings, and this is manipulation.

I know extended family members have cried long and hard over us leaving the church. At this point, I just feel bad for them that they cling to a religious system that causes them so much pain.

[Linked]

Congrats on being out! Your post was diplomatic and thoughtful, I'm sorry your father is trying to bring the shame. Keep being a good person and a good dad and hopefully your parents will be able to work through their grief, grief that is caused by church teachings not being true.

[Wonderment]

Your message was very well written and thoughtful ! Congratulations on taking this big step. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. - Wndr.

[deacon blues]

Your father's shaming is sad. These kind of responses do not show any empathy for you, or any understanding of the big picture. Hopefully, he may be motivated to broaden his views, and exercise some empathy after the emotional jolt wears off.

[oliblish]

Maybe you can use some quotes from this talk to push back against the fear and manipulation that is being used against you:

Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear
By President Dieter F. Uchtdorf
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/ ... r?lang=eng

Historically, fear has often been used as a means to get people to take action. Parents have used it with their children, employers with employees, and politicians with voters.

Experts in marketing understand the power of fear and often employ it. This is why some advertisements seem to carry the implicit message that if we fail to buy their breakfast cereal or miss out on the newest video game or cell phone, we run the risk of living a miserable life, dying alone and unhappy.

We smile at this and think we would never fall for such manipulation, but we sometimes do. Worse, we sometimes use similar methods to get others to do what we want.

My message has two purposes today: The first is to urge us to contemplate and consider the extent to which we use fear to motivate others—including ourselves. The second is to suggest a better way.

[SeeNoEvil]

I'm sorry your dad responded like that. When I came out I braced myself for the storm. I had been on the ex mo boards for years and kind of expected it. I got mainly the silent treatment which today 3 years later still exists to some extent with what family is left in the church. What I did not expect was a comment from a very uber TBM BIL who after I told him I had resigned said: "You have to do what makes you happy and I respect that." THIS is how it should be. Good luck to you. Keep us posted on the wonder places you will go now you are out!

[Hagoth]

Well done, thou good and faithful servant.

[MalcolmVillager]

Congrats. NOM is so helpful at living vicariously through others missteps and victories to avoid landmines and follow proven methods. You only get one chance with things like this and the more data the better!