Thoughts/Lessons from Resigning

[GoodBoy]

One option for NOMs to consider is to resign, and then continue your participation in the church, but as an unobligated volunteer.

For me, resigning was like a ceremony. It created a mental break and closure. It allowed me to grieve and move on. It got me out of that horrible half-in, half-out state. It brought me some of the apathy towards the church that I had longed for.

It also created a clear message to church leaders and to friends and family. Resigning made it clear that I had thought it through and made a deliberate and rational decision. Because of this I am able to maintain some of my dignity and self-respect. Now there is no expectation that I hold a calling or go home teaching. I don't worry if people see me drink coffee or beer, including my kids. I can skip church with a clear conscience. I don't have to try to keep a temple recommend or worry about participating in baptisms or baby blessings. I still hope to be invited and am happy to go, but I can't participate, and it's the church that is preventing me from participating and not because of a personal weakness. I do not act bitter towards the church (even though I am a little).

I haven't been kicked out of the community. I asked the bishop not to tell people, and to be honest he doesn't want to tell people because it damages faith. It is leaking out, but people generally treat me the same. I still respect members. I still participate with them. I still host home teachers over and help with moves. I am empathetic about the value that they put on their faith in the church and I respect that, and I don't try to take it away from them the same way I respect Muslims and don't try to convince them that they are wrong.

Since I resigned absolutely no one has asked me about why I lost my faith. It is interesting. They don't want to know. They want to believe. I can respect that... a little. I was certainly like that for most of my life. I have realized that my wife and kids are way more interested in their status in the community than they are in whether the church is true or not. Therefore I try to behave in a way that helps them maintain their status in the community. Primarily by inviting and hosting social events. I buy a lot of food for other people. It's way cheaper than tithing, and more effective at maintaining friendships.

I have a fairly good reputation, a good job, a strong and good family, and a certain amount of status within the LDS community, so people might be more motivated to be nice to me, so your mileage may vary. However, I think we kick ourselves our of the church community more than others kick us out. You've done nothing wrong. If you act guilty and act like you don't belong it will be assumed that you are guilty and don't belong. Hold your head up. Smile and be cheerful and reach out to others. Continue to love and serve your Mormon friends and family. Just don't let them tell you what to do.

[Rob4Hope]

... I still respect members. I still participate with them. I still host home teachers over and help with moves. I am empathetic about the value that they put on their faith in the church and I respect that, and I don't try to take it away from them the same way I respect Muslims and don't try to convince them that they are wrong.

What you said here is one of the reasons I am certain LDS teaching are very cult-like. JS said the ONLY reason someone would leave is at the instigation of the devil, "and you will come to hate me and even thirst for my blood." I remember Truman Madsen's lectures on JS emphasizing this point, and it terrified me from leaving.

But look at what you are saying here? You left,...and you "respect members".

HUNH?

I applaud your choice in being honest with yourself, and I find it reassuring that you (and I) are able to respect members. I have had to learn to do this--it hasn't been easy either. But I'm getting there. And, though the respect is there, this ability contradicts JS and people who preached him like Truman Madsen.

Its nice to be free of the abusive control, and at the same time know that the 'cult' techniques to keep you in are false.

[John G.]

Great post! Interesting idea! I like it and am seriously considering it!

[SeeNoEvil]

Congratulations on your resignation! I enjoyed your "thoughts/lessons". Beautifully stated GoodBoy.

I resigned April 2015. Hindsight I probably would have done things different had I known the S-storm that was about to take place in my life around the time I discovered the truth .. most which had nothing to do with my disaffection but none the less drastically changed who I am today. I resigned during the eye of those storms which tells me I knew what I was doing. I was at a calm with a clear mind that day when I sent off my resignation letter and thus it was the right time for me. Had those storms not come I probably would be doing much the same you are. I do miss the things I loved about the church but I am at peace with my decision.

Those storms taught me much and changed much of how I think and do things these day. By the time April 2013 rolled around my thoughts were I needed to be all in or all out. I think it is great that you are making it work and admire your reasons for doing so. Much like yours, my leaving brought that instant release from all the fears, guilt, abuse and confusion surrounding the Mormon religion that I had been born into. I never asked to be a Mormon nor did I know what that meant. Resignation is such a personal decision and just like our journeys to what got us all here in the first place, no two are alike. I knew one day I would resign. I tried to make it work for children and family but but by the time I made that final decision the husband was gone, the children were grown, my Mormon friends had left and I had moved across country where no one knew me. It was just me and I had only me to answer for. I have no regrets.

Good luck to you and keep us posted on how your journey is going.

[deacon blues]

I have considered resigning but..........one thing that holds me back is the hope that the Church will become more Christ centered. There is a lot of dead skin for the church to shed (temples, Joseph Smith, polygamy, works-mentality, the list could go on and on......) but I'm still waiting. There sometimes appear to be baby steps in the right direction; and then baby steps in the wrong direction. Hopefully the passage of time will lead to a community where Jesus is the Way>

[Reuben]

There is a lot of dead skin for the church to shed [...]

That's a fascinating analogy. I wonder whether those who have resigned think of it like shedding skin, too.

[GoodBoy]

But look at what you are saying here? You left,...and you "respect members".

HUNH?

All of us make irrational and emotional decisions. The church members' white-knuckled grip onto their poorly-placed faith is irrational, but I understand why their emotions won't allow their brains to consider the possibility that they might be wrong. Evolution created emotions that promote tribalism since it is the only way that prehistoric man and their relatives could survive and reproduce. It is the oldest, strongest, and most irremovable part of our brains. Mormonism is their tribe. Their brains are programmed to make them really, really want to cling tightly to their tribe and to their status within their tribe. You and I are the same way, which is why it hurts so much for us to leave, why it causes us so much distress (losing our tribe), and therefore why the whole situation makes us angry. I can respect them because I was and still am like them.

[GoodBoy]

I have considered resigning but..........one thing that holds me back is the hope that the Church will become more Christ centered. There is a lot of dead skin for the church to shed (temples, Joseph Smith, polygamy, works-mentality, the list could go on and on......) but I'm still waiting. There sometimes appear to be baby steps in the right direction; and then baby steps in the wrong direction. Hopefully the passage of time will lead to a community where Jesus is the Way>

I salute you deacon blues. It is people like you that are taking the hero's journey, alone and against all odds, but doing what is right. You have more influence for promoting change from inside than from outside.

[GoodBoy]

Much like yours, my leaving brought that instant release from all the fears, guilt, abuse and confusion surrounding the Mormon religion that I had been born into. I never asked to be a Mormon nor did I know what that meant. Resignation is such a personal decision and just like our journeys to what got us all here in the first place, no two are alike. I knew one day I would resign. I tried to make it work for children and family but but by the time I made that final decision the husband was gone, the children were grown, my Mormon friends had left and I had moved across country where no one knew me. It was just me and I had only me to answer for. I have no regrets.

I agree. Resignation can ruin your social life, but it seems to heal your tortured soul. But it sounds like your social life was destroyed for many other reasons as well. I'm sorry you had to go through that painful process. I wish we all lived close enough together that we could re-form our own support groups.

[SeeNoEvil]

Much like yours, my leaving brought that instant release from all the fears, guilt, abuse and confusion surrounding the Mormon religion that I had been born into. I never asked to be a Mormon nor did I know what that meant. Resignation is such a personal decision and just like our journeys to what got us all here in the first place, no two are alike. I knew one day I would resign. I tried to make it work for children and family but but by the time I made that final decision the husband was gone, the children were grown, my Mormon friends had left and I had moved across country where no one knew me. It was just me and I had only me to answer for. I have no regrets.

I agree. Resignation can ruin your social life, but it seems to heal your tortured soul. But it sounds like your social life was destroyed for many other reasons as well. I'm sorry you had to go through that painful process. I wish we all lived close enough together that we could re-form our own support groups.

You are right in that leaving does help to mend the "tortured soul!" My tribe and those missionaries to help you move were some of the things I missed the most. Having to find a new tribe was expected because of other NOM experiences. I was just surprised who of my friends did bail on me so that part was the hardest. The one thing I realized when I left was those friends were for the most part assigned ... visiting teachers, home teachers, teachers and leaders for my family, etc. When I started questioning they left and moved on to their next assignment. They were never really friends in the first place. Now my friends are my friends not by assignment but by choice. When I lived in the Provo area for a short time a few years ago I attended the groups there in Draper that meets at Harmons. They are a great bunch. So finding an exmo tribe near you would be ideal. I live in Mesquite, NV now. So if you or anyone are near give me a shout out!!

[FreeFallin]

Love your post, Goodboy. I have just sent in my resignation through quitmormon and am hoping to feel the relief you mention. It has been almost 10 years since I quit believing and I'm not angry or stressed about the church, but simply realized that I was keeping a membership I didn't want because of how others would feel. It's not about them so I went ahead and gave myself the gift that I want.

[Reuben]

All of us make irrational and emotional decisions. The church members' white-knuckled grip onto their poorly-placed faith is irrational, but I understand why their emotions won't allow their brains to consider the possibility that they might be wrong. Evolution created emotions that promote tribalism since it is the only way that prehistoric man and their relatives could survive and reproduce. It is the oldest, strongest, and most irremovable part of our brains. Mormonism is their tribe. Their brains are programmed to make them really, really want to cling tightly to their tribe and to their status within their tribe. You and I are the same way, which is why it hurts so much for us to leave, why it causes us so much distress (losing our tribe), and therefore why the whole situation makes us angry. I can respect them because I was and still am like them.

Absolutely. You've neatly summed up the conclusions I've come to as well.

I've also come to the conclusion that if anything is going to destroy us all and everything we've built, it'll be tribalism. Plenty of tribes are more dangerous than Mormonism; it just happens to be the one that hurts us most directly.

[Hermey]

One option for NOMs to consider is to resign, and then continue your participation in the church, but as an unobligated volunteer.

For me, resigning was like a ceremony. It created a mental break and closure. It allowed me to grieve and move on. It got me out of that horrible half-in, half-out state. It brought me some of the apathy towards the church that I had longed for.

It also created a clear message to church leaders and to friends and family. Resigning made it clear that I had thought it through and made a deliberate and rational decision. Because of this I am able to maintain some of my dignity and self-respect. Now there is no expectation that I hold a calling or go home teaching. I don't worry if people see me drink coffee or beer, including my kids. I can skip church with a clear conscience. I don't have to try to keep a temple recommend or worry about participating in baptisms or baby blessings. I still hope to be invited and am happy to go, but I can't participate, and it's the church that is preventing me from participating and not because of a personal weakness. I do not act bitter towards the church (even though I am a little).

I haven't been kicked out of the community. I asked the bishop not to tell people, and to be honest he doesn't want to tell people because it damages faith. It is leaking out, but people generally treat me the same. I still respect members. I still participate with them. I still host home teachers over and help with moves. I am empathetic about the value that they put on their faith in the church and I respect that, and I don't try to take it away from them the same way I respect Muslims and don't try to convince them that they are wrong.

Since I resigned absolutely no one has asked me about why I lost my faith. It is interesting. They don't want to know. They want to believe. I can respect that... a little. I was certainly like that for most of my life. I have realized that my wife and kids are way more interested in their status in the community than they are in whether the church is true or not. Therefore I try to behave in a way that helps them maintain their status in the community. Primarily by inviting and hosting social events. I buy a lot of food for other people. It's way cheaper than tithing, and more effective at maintaining friendships.

I have a fairly good reputation, a good job, a strong and good family, and a certain amount of status within the LDS community, so people might be more motivated to be nice to me, so your mileage may vary. However, I think we kick ourselves our of the church community more than others kick us out. You've done nothing wrong. If you act guilty and act like you don't belong it will be assumed that you are guilty and don't belong. Hold your head up. Smile and be cheerful and reach out to others. Continue to love and serve your Mormon friends and family. Just don't let them tell you what to do.

I concur.