Son announced he's leaving the church too...

[IT_Veteran]

Well, last night my teenage son approached DW and I and asked if we had time for a hard discussion (it was about 9:30) and we, of course, told him absolutely.

He announced to both of us last night that he no longer believes in the church and has decided to leave it. My DW is still pretty TBM, though seems to be more NOM these days than anything else. We were both supportive of him, told him we loved him. DW is happy that he can now let go of some of the shame he's been carrying for things in his personal life. I'm happy for him because it feels like he's earnestly searching for truth. He doesn't know what he believes now, but we've encouraged him to keep searching and find what he does believe in whether that be religion, nature, or just connections with people. We encouraged him to continue to live the values that he knows and figure out what kind of person he wants to be and how to get there.

I'm happy for him, but I'm also conflicted. I worry that my DW is taking it harder than she's letting on. She's going through her own faith crisis right now. I don't know if this will have a significant effect on her own study, but there's a part of me that worries she will dig in deeper to support our other kids that are still in the church. I'm also sad for her, I know this isn't what she had planned. I'm sad that my faith journey has hurt her in any way, and now it's extended to at least one of our kids. She's been there for me and I want to be there for her too.

[hiding in plain sight]

All of your feelings, reactions and desire are so real.

Congratulations on your son and I am sorry for the grief you and your wife are going through. It seems like you have your head on straight and a good grasp of the reality of this journey for everyone in it.

At some level, it all comes down to love and support. What would love and support look like to your wife right now? Most TBM's are at risk of retrenchment when faced with these kinds of situations. But if there is any way for her to feel your love and support and unconditional love, no matter what, they may go a long way to feel more at peace to not have to retrench to an unhealthy level.

A month or so ago, my wife and I were reading my oldest daughter's email explaining why she no longer believes in mormonism and how she was viewing her future. I gave a big sigh, because it was such a thoughtful e-mail and very emotional. My wife looked at me and asked what was I thinking? Was I also thinking about doing the big bail on the church?

I looked at her and told her I was choosing her and choosing to be by her side for the journey. I reaffirmed that the church could push me out if they asked the wrong things of me. But other than that I was willing to sacrifice to be by her side and that we would do this journey together.

It helps to give her the peace to still evolve in her faith and not have to push for orthodoxy in the HIPS family.

Everyone's journey is their own. I would love to hear how your's progresses.

[IT_Veteran]

My DW knows I can't attend anymore. I'm not resigned or anything, but I did send a letter to my bishop explaining that I wouldn't be returning to activity and that I don't want to be a project. My wife is fiercely defensive of me to anyone, including her family. She sees my apostasy as a good thing actually: she says that it's made me a more compassionate and empathetic person and that it's actually been good for our family.

Immediately after my son left the room last night she asked for references on the idea that she would be given to a worthy priesthood holder in the afterlife. Turns out we had the book in our library so she found it pretty fast. She abhors the idea. She picked up the Miracle of Forgiveness for the first time and was appalled by what was in it. She wants a fire pit for Mother's Day and she wants to burn that particular book. Lord help the leader that recommends it to any of our children.

I've also reassured her that I'm not going anywhere. We are here for each other wherever she lands.

[JustHangingOn@57]

She sees my apostasy as a good thing actually: she says that it's made me a more compassionate and empathetic person and that it's actually been good for our family.

That is such an great point. When I announced my non-belief in the church to my wife her natural instinct (inculcated over 54 years) was to begin watching for the sure signs of apostate behavior (course language, anger, cynicism, the desire to sin, etc. You know the list). I consider myself to be basically a good person, so it's not like I had to go out of my way to be a good husband and father, but I guess the experience has made me more attuned to the consequences of ANY negative behavior.

[IT_Veteran]

Well, I mean, I do have some apostate behaviors. I use coarse language, but not in front of the kids. I bought a coffee maker, enjoy the occasional drink now as well. She just realized pretty quickly that those things don’t change my character.

I do worry about how it affects other people’s perception of me though. I still look around for ward members at the grocery store when there is coffee or coffee paraphernalia in my cart. It’s the only grocery store in town, so I will occasionally run into them. Haven’t been caught with my sin juice yet though.