Shouldn't have, but I outed myself

[whatififly]

Late Thursday evening a member of the elder's quorum stopped by our house. He was dressed up so (I assume) heading back from a meeting where they were discussing the inactives in the ward. I genuinely like this guy. He's sincere.

Anyway, after the basic "how you doing" conversation he asked in a roundabout way about our church attendance. It was pretty awkward because he had spent quite a bit of time previously discussing one of his children who has left the church and how painful and awful that is for him, wondering where he went wrong, etc. I felt so bad for him, understanding how difficult that must be for him and cursing the fact that this "family oriented" church leads people to believe that they can't be with their families in the next life if they don't believe the same thing!

I really should have just avoided his question, but I guess feeling emotional about the crap this church teaches about families NOT being together, I ended up saying way more than I meant to. I started out just hinting that I had read disturbing things about the origins of the church and... Ultimately admitted that I don't have a testimony if Joseph Smith anymore. Or current prophets. Or really any doctrine.

What is truly crazy is that anything I mentioned he had never heard of and automatically refuted it by saying it wasn't true! Anti mormon lies! About the seer stone, JS polygamy, burning the press that tried to expose it, and so on! Totally ignorant and brainwashed! I guess I've submerged myself in this stuff so much that I forgot that just a year or two ago I didn't know it either! When I showed that it was on LDS.org and in books by lds authors he was visibly shaken. I pulled a few books off my shelf and he said that he felt the spirit leave the room with them and that I should stop reading it.

This guy is sincere. Really concerned about us. And I know I hurt him further. I should have kept my mouth shut. DH asked him not to say anything to anyone because he doesn't want to be treated differently but he is going to tell the elder's quorum president. We specifically asked not to be brought up in ward council but fat chance of that. Now I am just cursing myself wishing I hadn't just verbal vomited all of my issues. It's just been a struggle to keep it all in and once I got started it just kept coming haha. DH was just looking at me like I was crazy but at least my voice was calm.

Sigh. Rant over.

[Perfigliano]

That sounds a bit like the confrontation I had with my parents a few weeks ago, but perhaps worse. I didn't initiate outing myself, but it still went better than I expected. They were pretty loving and were willing to listen, but they mostly wrote off my concerns as anti-mormon lies or blamed it on porn or wanting to sin. My best friend has been respectful about it (I outed myself to him much earlier), but he can't quite wrap his head around why I have made the conclusions I've made.

I wish I could have approached the whole thing on my own terms so that I could bring it up at a time when I'm more secure about leaving the church. The conversation would have had to happen eventually.

But on the bright side, I can act authentically around them again.

I hope things go well. I hope you don't get ostracized as a result.

[IT_Veteran]

As scary as it can be not to know what comes next, I really believe that letting someone know can be cathartic. As long as you’re not proselytizing about what you know now, they’re not going to ask you to stop attending. Sounds like your DH already know as well, so I would imagine you’re safe in that relationship.

It’s hard, but try not to stress about it. You took a big step toward living authentically and I hope you can see that, whatever comes of this, you’re going to be okay.

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

I had one of these cathartic verbal vomiting sessions with my in-laws at one point. It was like an emotional volcano had erupted. They couldn't sleep that night, but I felt much better.

Remember when as a missionary they tell you that when you feel the spirit, the investigator is too and you're supposed to teach them what that feeling means?

Same thing can be done now when someone says "I feel a dark feeling!". That is what cognitive dissonance feels like my friend.

[Mad Jax]

I know it isn't what you wanted, but I think in the end this will be seen as a positive step. The fact that you didn't intend to reveal the way you truly felt doesn't change the genuineness of doing so. And it's always going to hurt somebody. And continue to hurt others.

The "anti-Mormon lies" response is one of the things that I understand; there are sensationalists out there that sell mental snake oil to their own congregations, by painting everything unlike them as occult influenced. It takes effort to separate the disingenuous charlatans from the unbiased historians with no horse in the race. Effort most members don't feel like making when already tasked with answering challenges. It's part of why I hate con artist evangelical "Mormon baiters" even to this day, because their selfish greed obscures the truth about the church as much as the church itself.

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

It's part of why I hate con artist evangelical "Mormon baiters" even to this day, because their selfish greed obscures the truth about the church as much as the church itself.

This is kind of mind blowing to think about, that when the evangelicals create outlandish publications it creates backfire effect locking members into the church even further and discrediting academic info later on in their minds.

They might even be more effective than FAIR

[IT_Veteran]

It's part of why I hate con artist evangelical "Mormon baiters" even to this day, because their selfish greed obscures the truth about the church as much as the church itself.

This is kind of mind blowing to think about, that when the evangelicals create outlandish publications it creates backfire effect locking members into the church even further and discrediting academic info later on in their minds.

They might even be more effective than FAIR

They bother me too, even after leaving, but I have had a hard time explaining why. Thank you for helping me with that. I told my wife a few weeks ago that some things certainly are anti-Mormon lies: my mom was told in her youth by someone raised baptist that she had horns. That’s utter bullshit and it only makes people dig in deeper and refuse to examine their faith somewhat objectively. It plays perfectly into the persecution narrative that helps the church avoid any criticism from the members.

[Red Ryder]

Actually, you should have! You’ll thank yourself sooner and be that much farther down the transition road out.

From here on forward just stick to the core issue. The church isn’t what it claims to be so your out. It doesn’t work for you anymore. From here on forward you will be talked about, discussed, and love bombed with ministering cookies! Confidentially doesn’t exist unless you’re an MTC president with a dark secret. The whole ward will know you aren’t a believer. Embrace the shunning by the innocent; the ministering by the driven; and the confusion by the in between.

Welcome to Contagiousville.

[Perfigliano]

It's part of why I hate con artist evangelical "Mormon baiters" even to this day, because their selfish greed obscures the truth about the church as much as the church itself.

This is kind of mind blowing to think about, that when the evangelicals create outlandish publications it creates backfire effect locking members into the church even further and discrediting academic info later on in their minds.

They might even be more effective than FAIR

Christian anti-Mormon videos are, and always have been, cringy to me. They tend to latch onto the "weird" doctrines and stuff BY/JS taught once rather than the actual problems with the church.

For instance, they make a big deal out of Satan and Jesus being brothers, owning planets, moon people, etc... when they could be focusing on church history, tithing politics, and the protecting of sexual predators. Y'know, the stuff that actually drives people out of the church. People like the weird doctrines. They're not much of a deterrent.

[JustHangingOn@57]

It was bound to happen, I believe. I skipped church today and played golf with my brother. (First time I have golfed on a Sunday since joining the church 35+ years ago. It was glorious!) My point in bringing that up is that my TBM sister-in-law, who I am very close to, came over tonight to visit and I SO wanted to tell her about my golf day. Deep down I think I want to out myself and let the chips fall where they may. I want people to know I am done. It will be painful, but then I can at peace with my true self. It would definitely be cathartic. Maybe sub-consciously that's what you were experiencing?