I need to make some changes in my life

[Thoughtful]

And I'm really writing this to try to figure out what they are and how to do them, so I am hoping that this post will help it take some shape as I write it.

This week, two of my children have interacted with stressful events at school and they made some choices that demonstrated some deficits in problem solving and coping skills that concern me quite a bit. It all sort of came to a head Thursday evening and Friday with both girls separately melting down in a big way. I responded appropriately to my youngest daughter and used my empathetic words like I've been trained to do. My middle daughter I did not do so well. As I'm reflecting on how to re-approach that, I started thinking about our lives and what I would like them to look like vs how they currently are functioning.

We had a weekend trip scheduled and ultimately I bowed out and Spouseman took the girls with him, so I'm home trying to figure out how to approach it all. They aren't available by phone so I can't process it with any of them.

I am feeling some urgency to reshape my lifestyle in ways that make me more available and have better relationships with my immediate family so that home can be a sanctuary. I know that right now we do not have much time to just be, and we are doing a lot of running around--work, side gigs, kids activities, church, extended family. Leaving less time for things like fun outings, yard work, household maintenance including meals and laundry. Sundays are typically a day, where after having Saturday to de-escalate from the week, I feel confident heading into church but ultimately I end up having a meltdown in the afternoon/evening because of all the issues with church and go into the work week exhausted.

Some of the things I'm mulling over are:

-Hiring a housekeeper.
-Backing off of my work responsibilities to the point where work can stay at work better.
-Automating whatever can be automated related to work, bills, and so on.
-Consider which kid activities aren't bringing them joy and cut back on them.
-Implementing mindfulness practices into my family life, creating better rituals that center around love, communication, peace, relaxation, etc instead of what we are all accomplishing or where we are headed in our careers, school, etc.

Those are all potentially difficult, but plausible I think.

But the big ones:
Re-evaluating my relationship with the church and with Spouseman's family.

I want to walk away from the church completely. I feel that the message of the church that God's love and approval must be earned is the antihesis of what I need to be teaching my kids right now. They need to know that they ARE enough. That they can just be themselves and do things that make them happy and not always be worrying about the eternal consequences of any action they make. I want to decide that it is unhealthy for me and for my children and pull the plug on it. However, I am not sure Spouseman will be on board with it or how grudgingly he would interact with that decision. I do NOT want my children mitigating the stress of walking the tightrope of activity vs belief though, the way I have been trying to do, or the way they would find themselves doing IF I were to just leave by myself and let them all continue on without me. I don't think it's fair to push that down another generation.

Spouseman's family is one big controlled slow panic acted out in religious scrupulosity. I want my kids away from that example and away from the compulsive righteousness and terror at the idea that mistakes are devastating us all to hell.

I want away from both of these.

I want to wake up an hour early and have a cup of coffee at a slow pace, get ready for work and have time to braid my girls' hair and talk to them about the day coming up. After work I want to work in my garden or sit on the patio while they jump on the trampoline and play music and laugh.
On weekends, I want to take little trips or go on hikes. I want to take the 4 wheelers out into the wilderness and let the dogs run. I want to teach my puppy 1000 English words to recognize and respond to.

I do not want to cram laundry, lawn mowing, making freezer meals, vacuuming, and grocery shopping into Saturday so that we can go to church for 3 hours Sunday morning, hearing about how bad we are, come home, attempt a nap from the exhaustion and then stay up to late fuming about church and start the week short on sleep and tired from crying. I definitely don't want to clean the church.

I want to fund our retirement and our vacation fund, instead of funding RMN's trips to Africa and settlements for sexual predators.

I have no idea if Spouseman would be on board with any of it, I'm sure some of it he would balk at (notably, his family.)

Thoughts?

[IT_Veteran]

I can sympathize with a lot of those. A year ago, I would never have imagined I’d be where I’m at now. My wife assured me when I told her I no longer had a testimony that she’s would be by my side regardless of where that led. She’s remained in the church after I told her I had decided to leave. True to her word, she’s been supportive of me.

We’ve been married more than 18 years. I never would have thought she’d offer some of the supports that she has. I think a big factor was me being open and honest with her about why I felt the way I did. Not getting into doctrinal issues, being very clear that I would not want to be the reason she lost her own testimony, but telling her that it was painful for me to hear others bear their testimony, or that I was expected to act or believe in a certain way that made me feel dishonest.

She told me her testimony was her own to deal with, not my problem and to just be honest with her. She has since asked to be released from her callings so she can spend more time with me and my son who also decided to leave. She wants to be in the church, but also be willing to go out of town with me and the kids should the opportunity arise.

For us, being open and honest with each other has been an important component of my faith transition. We’ve allowed space for each other to be authentic, without putting artificial restrictions or requirements on each other.

I don’t know your relationship - I’m just a stranger on the internet. If your relationship can take it, I would share what you wrote here (written or typed elsewhere, not so he can come read all the stuff you’ve written) exactly as you wrote it, but for him. Ask him to read it, process it, and then go out for an ice cream or something to discuss. It gives him time to process but still tackle a difficult conversation. It removes the risk of interruption and distraction. I feel that vulnerability is often returned in kind. And, at least in my experience, improves the relationship through building trust as you’re both vulnerable with each other.

I hate that the church makes this so threatening to talk about. The fact that we can be so intimate with our spouses yet unable to talk about something as simple as our faith and changes to it really says a lot to me about the church.

[Reuben]

Dude, I feel your pain. It would be like if I, as I am now, were to somehow become the father in the family I grew up in. That would suck.

I want to walk away from the church completely. I feel that the message of the church that God's love and approval must be earned is the antihesis of what I need to be teaching my kids right now. They need to know that they ARE enough. That they can just be themselves and do things that make them happy and not always be worrying about the eternal consequences of any action they make. I want to decide that it is unhealthy for me and for my children and pull the plug on it. However, I am not sure Spouseman will be on board with it or how grudgingly he would interact with that decision. I do NOT want my children mitigating the stress of walking the tightrope of activity vs belief though, the way I have been trying to do, or the way they would find themselves doing IF I were to just leave by myself and let them all continue on without me. I don't think it's fair to push that down another generation.

Spouseman's family is one big controlled slow panic acted out in religious scrupulosity. I want my kids away from that example and away from the compulsive righteousness and terror at the idea that mistakes are devastating us all to hell.

There might be a healthy compromise you can make without throwing your children onto the belief/activity tightrope. You would need help and continual reinforcement from Spouseman.

Keeping in mind that I'm more or less an agnostic atheist with a healthy respect for Jesus as written, here's my idea: teach salvation by grace.

The main aspect of control that the Pharisees and the LDS church have in common is that they did/do it using shame: internalized fear of being rejected or punished by the community, and internalized fear of being rejected or punished by God. (I think these fears are essentially the same, but this isn't a critical point.) To become free, this burden has to be lifted. I can tell that you see this burden for what it is and want to lift it from your family.

I would guess that you're like most exmos and NOMs in that it was lifted from you when you threw off the burden of certainty in unsupportable truth claims and found yourself a closeted outsider. It doesn't have to be so all-or-nothing, though.

My burden of shame was lifted about 8 years before my faith crisis when, reading the Book of Mormon without assuming I already knew what it said, and with a little nudge from a friend, I realized that salvation was taught to be immediate, complete, and easy to obtain. As soon as I believed that God refrained from judging me, not only did I stop judging myself, but I stopped judging others and I was inoculated against institutional judgment. Seriously, it was a pretty dramatic conversion. I don't know whether this is this is the exception or the rule.

A short while later, I ceased buying into the bullshit claim that personal righteousness was required for my prayers to be answered, which reduced scrupulosity immensely. 8 years later, it gave me the latitude to be angry with God about an unanswered prayer: surely he wouldn't cast me off forever just for expressing a feeling. Anger gave me the space to doubt what I had been taught about God's frequent and intimate intervention. The idea that not believing what was taught in church would damn me didn't cross my mind, possibly because I already felt that there was almost nothing I could do that would cut me off from God. (I realize that this explanation isn't consistent, but neither was I.)

The Mormon version of salvation by grace requires asking for mercy and demonstrating willingness to keep the commandments by baptism, taking the sacrament, and trying to improve. That's it. No neurotic scramble for perfection, no public or private flagellation... just quiet assurance that as long as you're trying, things are okay been you and God, and nobody else's opinion about you really matters. Honestly, I sometimes miss it.

FWIW, I've walked away from the church entirely and recently taught salvation by grace with my wife's support. (YMMV, of course.) I'll make another post about it to avoid a thread-jack.

[Red Ryder]

It sounds like someone needs a sabbatical from the Mormon sabbath!

Thoughtful, why not just pull the plug and do it? Start with ONE week off and plan to miss church for a fun family activity. Then the following Sunday plan another fun family day activity built off the momentum of the prior week. Continue the weekly activities and turn it into a wonderful planned summer sabbatical.

Communicate your weekly vacation plans to Spouseman’s family in the form of a return and report. We had a wonderful time doing XYZ, Use the Vacation Card as your excuse.

You don’t have to quit the church cold turkey and burn the place down on your way out. You just have to miss going one week at a time.

[Red Ryder]

I would guess that you're like most exmos and NOMs in that it was lifted from you when you threw off the burden of certainty in unsupportable truth claims and found yourself a closeted outsider. It doesn't have to be so all-or-nothing, though.

My burden of shame was lifted about 8 years before my faith crisis when, reading the Book of Mormon without assuming I already knew what it said, and with a little nudge from a friend, I realized that salvation was taught to be immediate, complete, and easy to obtain. As soon as I believed that God refrained from judging me, not only did I stop judging myself, but I stopped judging others and I was inoculated against institutional judgment. Seriously, it was a pretty dramatic conversion. I don't know whether this is this is the exception or the rule.

A short while later, I ceased buying into the bullshit claim that personal righteousness was required for my prayers to be answered, which reduced scrupulosity immensely. 8 years later, it gave me the latitude to be angry with God about an unanswered prayer: surely he wouldn't cast me off forever just for expressing a feeling. Anger gave me the space to doubt what I had been taught about God's frequent and intimate intervention. The idea that not believing what was taught in church would damn me didn't cross my mind, possibly because I already felt that there was almost nothing I could do that would cut me off from God. (I realize that this explanation isn't consistent, but neither was I.)

The Mormon version of salvation by grace requires asking for mercy and demonstrating willingness to keep the commandments by baptism, taking the sacrament, and trying to improve. That's it. No neurotic scramble for perfection, no public or private flagellation... just quiet assurance that as long as you're trying, things are okay been you and God, and nobody else's opinion about you really matters. Honestly, I sometimes miss it.

FWIW, I've walked away from the church entirely and recently taught salvation by grace with my wife's support. (YMMV, of course.) I'll make another post about it to avoid a thread-jack.

Great post Reuben. I too had a similar moment where the burden of shame was lifted. It became even more clear after I stopped believing in Satan and realized every great story needed an antithesis and I was merely the dude stuck between the polarity of religion. Jesus loves me; Satan wants to destroy me. Religion now binds me between the two and I’m stuck right where they want me. I’ve been diagnosed with the diesease and sold the cure. Just take two pills and pay your tithing.

Once i recognized my place in religion I eliminated the easiest side first. See ya later Stan! Then Jesus (as a Savior) followed and was downgraded to become a dude selling kindness and peace. Only then (as you eleoqunetly stated) did the quiet assurance that as long as you're trying, things are okay been you and God, and nobody else's opinion about you really matters.

[MalcolmVillager]

Yeah I feel you there. Some are able to pull off a sabbatical. That wasn't and isn't in the cards for me. However I am able got get the wife and kids to do weekends off rather than completely stepping away in a statement of possible permanence.

Do it all on yoiur terms, and those that the family can get behind.

Good luck!

[Silver Girl]

You sound exhausted and stretched in too many directions. Here are some thoughts or ideas, for what it's worth:

Definitely hire a housekeeper. Even twice a month will make you feel like a new person on the days when you come home to a clean house waiting for you. Don't even look back, just do it. You deserve it.

Definitely automate bill-paying as much as possible. I pay all of mine online (through my bank) and it's wonderful. The system even adds things up, and I don't have to spend several hours each month tracking things down and writing checks. I do some automatic draft payments, but otherwise, I just do them manually (so I can pay things off earlier). Takes me maybe 15-30 minutes max to go into the system, enter the amounts and click "Submit." Not even that long, actually.

Consider taking periodic "Mental Days Off." I'm not sure I can explain this well, but years ago, I was cratering from too much stress and some demanding kids. I felt I never had any "time off," and I came upon the idea of just taking a day to do nothing now and then. For me, just staying home and giving myself permission to veg out was amazing and renewing. Pro-tip: Schedule those days right after the house has been cleaned. Wallow in the idleness, and in the thrill of not even having chores nag at you. Sleep all day if you want to. Read a book. Watch stupid movies. If you at ALL feel tempted to do anything productive, stop short and remind yourself it's your "day off."

Use the same "permission" strategy to put work aside when you leave the office. Stop yourself from thinking about it, and tell yourself this is the time for you and your family. The "permission" thing is key - it releases the stress and conflict part.

See if the family would go for missing church once or twice a month for "something else." Just sneak it in. Don't make it a huge planned thing involving tickets to an event, just have a picnic or whatever and enjoy being with each other. During those times, reinforce to your kids that they're wonderful just as they were born. Make those times a huge, huge contrast to the oppressiveness of the church.

Learn some sort of deep-breathing or releasing techniques to use when the Hyperdrive In-laws kick into their TBM mode. Find a way to only do what matters to you, and just smile at them but firmly resist anything you don't want to do. This will take practice.

Do an inventory of all the things you're involved in, and all the things the kids are involved in. Periodically, I have done a "spring cleaning" on my activities, and (again, for me), giving myself permission ahead of time to let go of some things greatly helped me follow through. I also remind myself of what I'd rather be doing, or what I've been ignoring in life (such as a hobby I love, etc.). Then I "spring clean" to create more resting space and to open the way for balance in activities. I'm actually overdue for another "cleaning," so I appreciate your thread - it's a reminder to me.

If you have any callings at church, resign them. No need to explain - just do it. You don't owe them a thing. Smile big, and say, "No. I won't be doing that."

If you absolutely have to go to church, cut back to only two hours, or one hour, if possible. If that's not possible, play hooky in the middle hour and go shopping at a nearby store. I did that for more than a year before my shelf even cracked, and it helped me stay sane during a time when I felt I "had" to attend, but I really didn't like it. I got to be an expert at driving to a nearby Walgreens or grocery store (or anything) and picking up some odds and ends, and making it back for third hour.

I hope you find some strategies that work for you. I would love to see a future post that talks about those four-wheeler days, or evenings out on the patio.

[Thoughtful]

Sabbatical --I took off about half of the Sundays in Feb -March. It made mt discomfort worse when I was there.

Things are happening. My toxic and manipulative MILs response to what happened with middle daughter may have hastened Spouseman's shelf toward crashing.

I don't think I have to go back to church after this. I plan to use this as a reason to resign from my calling.

Radical love is going to be my focus now through my Hawaii trip.