NOM

I'm not asking about the actual effects of actually being an active Mormon or not. For example, satisfaction or stress from having a calling if you are an active Mormon isn't the kind of joy or sorrow I'm after.

I'm not asking about the actual effects of thinking of yourself as a Mormon or not. For example, being looked down on after being caught drinking coffee, which you drink because you don't think of yourself as a Mormon, isn't the kind of sorrow I'm after.

I'm trying to get at the joy or sorrow more directly caused by thoughts and feelings related to thinking of yourself as a Mormon or not. I'm after the stuff that goes on inside your head. If you feel isolated from other Mormons because your beliefs would be looked down on if widely known, this could count as sorrow from thinking of yourself as a Mormon. If you feel content in this particular body of Christ, this could count as joy from thinking of yourself as a Mormon. If you feel particularly free and independent on second Saturday, this could count as joy from not thinking of yourself as a Mormon. If you feel alienated from your spouse on Sundays even though your relationship is strong, this could count as sorrow from not thinking of yourself as a Mormon.

Answering this question might require some deep introspection. (It did for me.) If you're having trouble, try imagining having the opposite identity: either giving up your Mormon identity or assuming it again.

Follow-up questions:

• If you don't think of yourself as a Mormon, are there one or more identities that replaced it? If so, what?
• If you think of yourself as a Mormon, are there one or more identities you world rather have? If so, what?

7 or 8 years ago I would have sat up tall and proudly answered for #1. Then I went through some very dark days with so many trials. It wasn't just sorrow. It was clinical depression brought on by my loss of faith.

It feels so good to be on the other side now.

I no longer consider myself Mormon. I actually referred to it as “their church” when referring to my parents yesterday and it felt great (though I’m still on the records).

My relationship with my (until recently) TBM wife has grown stronger, even before her current faith crisis. I enjoy spending time with my kids in ways I didn’t previously. I am drawn outdoors again. I haven’t been happy like this in a very long time.

I no longer consider myself Mormon, but I have not really replaced the label of "what I am religiously." It doesn't fit neatly into a label, or if I tried it might come out as agnostic Christian, pantheist, pagan, ........I don't fit all the way into any of those and I could add parts of several others, so, .09 Christian, .10 agnostic .05 pantheist, .04 pagan, .03 theist, .10 undecided. .06 apathetic....no, maybe .20 apathetic.

I'm running this poll at StayLDS for comparison. (Feel free to vote both places if you have accounts.) I'm really curious about what I'll find.

The poll is inspired by a few things:

• Starting to study secular Buddhism
• Wondering why disaffected members resign, and why they often report such a difference in their well-being when they do
• Discovering that trying out labels for my beliefs (e.g. "Christian agnostic") seemed to lift an emotional burden
• Realizing that keeping the identity label "Mormon" causes me to expect things that are unrealistic, which causes sorrow (but not unto resignation)
• Realizing how far-reaching the effects of all of my identity labels are, and how many of them I have (e.g. husband, father, sibling, Mormon, computer scientist, statistician, American, etc., etc.)

I no longer think of myself as mormon, though I masquerade as one on weekends. My beliefs fall into Agnostic Athiest, with the emphasis on not knowing. I don't feel part of any agnostic athiest community, I feel more connection to online tech blogs and NOMish sites.

I don't identify myself that way to others. I've actively told friends and co-workers that I'm no longer Mormon, but I haven't told family or other members who know me. To them, I just don't bring up religion at all.

It's a mixed bag. Mormonism is without a doubt the biggest influence on my life. It's how I was raised and what I've spent a lot of time and money doing. It would be like taking a smoothed stone out of a river bed and suddenly declaring, "This is no longer a river rock. It's a paperweight." Technically that's true, but being a paperweight says nothing about how its edges were worn down and shaped. It says nothing about the essence of that rock.

Maybe former Mormon or ex-Mormon is a better identifier than non-Mormon. I'm formerly a river rock, but now spend my days as a paperweight.

How 'bout 1, 2, 4, and 5.

A bit of each, depending on the time of day?


But honestly, at this point in time, I'd probably have to choose 3, leaning towards #2.

If "the question" is asked, I have no problem saying I was born mormon, or that I'm a proud, non-believing mormon.

I'll always be mormon. It's in my DNA, and unfortunately, it doesn't wash off.


Edit: While I took way too much time typing up my response, Oliver responded, and I have to say I LOVE the river-rock analogy...

oliver_denom wrote: ↑

Tue Apr 24, 2018 11:22 am

It's a mixed bag. Mormonism is without a doubt the biggest influence on my life. It's how I was raised and what I've spent a lot of time and money doing. It would be like taking a smoothed stone out of a river bed and suddenly declaring, "This is no longer a river rock. It's a paperweight." Technically that's true, but being a paperweight says nothing about how its edges were worn down and shaped. It says nothing about the essence of that rock.

Maybe former Mormon or ex-Mormon is a better identifier than non-Mormon. I'm formerly a river rock, but now spend my days as a paperweight.

+1

Where's my great quotes of NOM thread? I need to add this to it.

I'm on my way out at this point and I have nobody but me to answer to. So I don't really think of myself as Mormon. It's so fresh that I really don't know if I should be happy or sad about it. I'm not really losing much community, but it's a bummer that something that once made me so happy now does the opposite.

I no longer believe in the church and I can't really stand by many of the things it does. It is my hope that my interactions on NOM will help me reduce the anger I will be dealing with in my exit process. I'm hoping to go more the post-Mormon route than ex-Mormon.

I'd say my current identity is "confused", but I think it's gravitating toward agnostic universal deism. I don't know if there is a god, but I hope there is, that such a god is loving, and that there is "salvation" for nearly everyone in some sort of afterlife. This god clearly does not intervene much, if ever. If there is anything, it's primarily the bringing of internal peace or some form of inspiration.

I think of myself as a victim of having been all-in Mormon. When I was in the church (a convert) I self-identified as Mormon. I gave it my all, including my trust, my time, and my tithing. The shelf-crash was very damaging to me, and I am recovering from that, more so than from being Mormon.

I do not identify as Mormon now, but I have emotional and other fallout from having had that identity (and all it implied) in the past.

I'm no longer Mormon. I'd describe My current beliefs as agnostic atheist. My choice to be a ex Mormon brings me much joy and freedom. But when I think back on my years spent in the church it gives me great anxiety, sadness, embarrassment and incredible regret for all those major life decisions I made all to please the Mormon God.

wtfluff wrote: ↑

Tue Apr 24, 2018 11:34 am

If "the question" is asked, I have no problem saying I was born mormon, or that I'm a proud, non-believing mormon.

I'll always be mormon. It's in my DNA, and unfortunately, it doesn't wash off.

I'm with Fluff ^^

It will always be a part of me. I can't go undo how I was formed by the church. I can try to learn from it, and heal from it. And that is what I'm doing. I think in a way that is what we are all doing here on NOM.

I also love Oliver's river rock analogy.

Reuben wrote: ↑

Tue Apr 24, 2018 7:24 am

Follow-up questions:

• If you don't think of yourself as a Mormon, are there one or more identities that replaced it? If so, what?
• If you think of yourself as a Mormon, are there one or more identities you world rather have? If so, what?

I'm Pagan too! I love it! It's empowering and it works for me. Paganism gave me a much healither world view. I can value and appriciate the diversity of other peoples' beliefs. We all have different beliefs, and that is a beautiful thing!

Hey, thanks for your responses and comments so far, everyone. This is super interesting.

Here's how my predictions stack up against the actual responses so far.

Prediction: Few who think of themselves as a Mormon, for whom this brings more joy than sorrow (i.e. #1). Reasoning: Selection bias. Little need for a support group like NOM if identifying as Mormon brings more joy. Actual: Just one at this point.

Prediction: Few who don't think of themselves as a Mormon, for whom this brings more sorrow than joy (i.e. #5). Reasoning: When people let go of a Mormon identity, it tends to happen to increase peace of mind. Actual: Just one at this point.

Prediction: For those who think of themselves as Mormons, more sorrow than joy in general. Reasoning: Generalizing from own experience and others'. Actual: Many more mixed bag responses instead. Explanations: Faulty generalization? We tend to let go of identities that cause us more sorrow than joy (i.e. movement from #2 to #4 or #6)? Time tends to turn more sorrow into mixed bag (i.e. movement from #2 to #3)?

I'm interested in hearing from our outliers. Would either of our #1 or #5 respondents like to chime in? (Please feel free to ignore this request for any reason.)

I've got a hypothesis regarding resignation. An identity isn't always something you can easily let go of, even if it causes distress, especially if it's longstanding or has been central to your self-esteem. Usually such things need to be replaced or waited out. Resignation is a formal process that can tear the identity out all at once - it's a way to rip off the band-aid.

(There are plenty of other reasons, too. Avoiding group culpability is a common one.)

I chose “I don’t think of myself as Mormon...brings more joy than sorrow”.

I still attend with my NOM wife for now, although I am mentally checked out. When talking about the church I feel uncomfortable saying “my church”, “we believe”, “our leaders” etc. Mentally, I don’t relate to Mormonism enough to consider myself Mormon. Also, if more members knew what I thought about Mormonism now, they would not consider me Mormon either.

didyoumythme wrote: ↑

Wed Apr 25, 2018 9:56 am

I chose “I don’t think of myself as Mormon...brings more joy than sorrow”.

I still attend with my NOM wife for now, although I am mentally checked out. When talking about the church I feel uncomfortable saying “my church”, “we believe”, “our leaders” etc. Mentally, I don’t relate to Mormonism enough to consider myself Mormon. Also, if more members knew what I thought about Mormonism now, they would not consider me Mormon either.

Same here. I actually, when referring to my parents, called the church "their church". Started referring to it from an outside perspective with TBM friends and family on FB and it feels great.

I had a great conversation with a non-believing Catholic coworker a couple of weeks back. I called myself an "unorthodox Mormon." He asked what that meant, and I said I no longer believe but I attend for family and community.

The conversation after that was an extremely pleasant two sided discourse on spirituality that I am positive I would not have been able to benefit from in my TBMish days.

I need an option that says, "I know I am Mormon, but I don't really think of myself that way."