Would you consider an LDS-lover again?

[Meilingkie]

Hello all,

Day 14 has arrived, and developments in the Meilingkie Household are going at breakneck-speed.
It makes my head spin to be honest.

On Day 7 my ExDW had a day out with her lover, she went to Ikea with him, and had lunch as well.
The same time I picked up my DD from her aunt, who suggested I contact an old friend of hers who recently split up from her longtime BF.
SIL actually listed 4 ladies, but pointed out 1 of them being particularly suited.
She felt we would be a really nice fit, to me it was way too fast, but OK....
You nod and politely say you'd think about it.

I know the lady vaguely, and by happenstance I ran into her last Sunday, on Day 8.
I attended the Rotterdam 1st Ward where she ocassionally attends as well, she's rather NOM-ish.
Has read the CES-letter and thinks the LDS-Church is valuable, but not always truthful, or healthy.

As it happened she spotted me after I parked the car several blocks away and we walked to church together.
I babysat the bishop's daughter while she busied herself with someone else.
She wanted to leave immediately after SacMtg, but a torrential downpour held us captive so we chatted up, again.
In the end I walked away with her phone-number, first time ever I did that .

Day 9 we had a funeral of ExDW's grandmother, really weird, as I stood in the middle of a foyer, and ExDW clearly avoided her own parents and siblings the entire day, she's done with them, and the Church, and me for obvious reasons.
In the end only one BIL (of4) and I chatted with her and one another.
Dysfunctional, yes, quite a bit it seems.
After an exhausting day where we also settled our bankaccounts in preparation for the divorce I received a text from my acquaintance.

Would you like to have lunch on Sunday after service?
Some questions need not be asked twice.
ExDW agreed, and bought me some perfume and new shoes to spruce me up.
Last night we talked about the weekendplans and she said: Saturday I will be visiting my friend at his home for the first time, do you mind?
I have started birthcontrolm just so you know.....

So ExDW and I still have 5 month till the divorce is legally final, but she's started a whole new chapter in her life.|
I'm happy for her, I think the divorce has been long overdue, and it's for the best now.

So tomorrow, on day 15 I will have my first date, and she's LDS.
I'm quite excited about the prospect, she's really nice, polite, educated, feminine, and knows the hard stuff too.

Which begged ExDW to question: She's LDS, why on earth would you do this to yourself yet again???
Yes Meilingkie, why??

[TheRoadSouth]

I have thought about it, if it ever got so bad that divorce was the option. Fortunately nowhere near that. But, I concluded that I probably would look outside the church. NOM-ish is good, though.

[glass shelf]

Definitely not.

i don't ever plan on getting divorced, but if I did, I'd want to leave the LDS church far out of any future marriage. I probably wouldn't even want to date someone who was exmo just because I'm so over Mormonism and want it to minimize it from all angles in my life. Luckily, where I live 1% of the population is LDS, so it's not really a huge deal.

[Hagoth]

Meilingkie,

I think the most important thing is how the two of you will get along regardless of the church and how much you understand and care about the others' needs. Put the church as far to the back of the bus as possible. It needs to be a relationship that is not built on the church in any way.

It's imperative that you help her to understand where you are and what you are willing to do/not do, as far as the church goes. Make sure she doesn't think you're there for her to save. The fact that she was willing to read the CES letter says a lot. Consider how much you are willing to participate in the church, if at all, and stick to it. If that means attending Sacrament Meeting just to sit with her, and absolutely nothing else, she needs to understand and actively support you in that. If you want no interaction with the church she needs to know that up front and accept that it will never change.

My advice would be to take it very slowly, tell her your entire story and your plans concerning the church, that you are interested in her as a person, not her as an LDS woman. Set your boundaries and see how it goes for a few months. At this point, I wouldn't make a final decision one way or the other based solely on your feelings about the church until you understand better where she is.

Considering that you haven't had your first date yet, I wouldn't get too far ahead of things one way or the other.

Good luck!

[alas]

Meilingkie,

I think the most important thing is how the two of you will get along regardless of the church and how much you understand and care about the others' needs. Put the church as far to the back of the bus as possible. It needs to be a relationship that is not built on the church in any way.

It's imperative that you help her to understand where you are and what you are willing to do/not do, as far as the church goes. Make sure she doesn't think you're there for her to save. The fact that she was willing to read the CES letter says a lot. Consider how much you are willing to participate in the church, if at all, and stick to it. If that means attending Sacrament Meeting just to sit with her, and absolutely nothing else, she needs to understand and actively support you in that. If you want no interaction with the church she needs to know that up front and accept that it will never change.

My advice would be to take it very slowly, tell her your entire story and your plans concerning the church, that you are interested in her as a person, not her as an LDS woman. Set your boundaries and see how it goes for a few months. At this point, I wouldn't make a final decision one way or the other based solely on your feelings about the church until you understand better where she is.

Considering that you haven't had your first date yet, I wouldn't get too far ahead of things one way or the other.

Good luck!

This.

There are more important things than her religion. Does she accept you where you are? Are you a good fit? Do you enjoy time together? Do you enjoy the same things? Are your politics the same? Values the same?

My DH and I have a pretty good marriage even with the religious difference because (a) we have enough other things in common. (b) he accepts and understands where I am at with my religion and I understand and accept where he is. (c) we enjoy each other's company. (d) we enjoy the same activities.

I am probably still too Mormon to be happy with someone who has no concept of the culture I was raised in. So, say my DH gets killed and I get lonesome. I want a NOM, or nonangry exMo, or a nonmember raised in Utah. I don't want someone rebelling and angry cause some exMos make hating the church their new religion. But mostly I want someone who understands and accepts where I am at with religion.

You are probably still more attached to the church even than I am. You attend some of the time because you want to. Me, I am out, but would still want someone with some understanding of the culture I was raised in.

[Dravin]

Short answer is no. Long answer is that it depends on a whole bunch of factors and certainly not someone who was TBM or who had TBM parents they weren't willing to stand up to.

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

There is something to be said for shared experience making a foundation of understanding, however there is risk one person may have religious zealotry re-stoked and cause pain for the other.

[Red Ryder]

Just have sex already!

That's what this is really all about, am I right?

[Reuben]

Just have sex already!

That's what this is really all about, am I right?

That's what I thought, too, except for the first sentence. I thought "be careful" instead.

If she's just had a faith crisis and is currently going through a second teenage phase, where she's engaging in self-destructive behavior out of pain, or she's sinning it up to test her new independence and boundaries, then don't engage. (I'm not saying sex is necessarily self-destructive, just that it can be used that way.) There are a lot of ways things could go bad. Go slow!

Also, give regular updates with all the juicy details because Red Ryder would be very sad if you didn't.

[glass shelf]

I do agree with being careful and taking your time.

If I was getting a divorce, I'd be thinking long and hard about life before I started dating again. 15 days later, months before the divorce is actually going to be final? Nopes.

[Wonderment]

Meilingkie,

I think the most important thing is how the two of you will get along regardless of the church and how much you understand and care about the others' needs. Put the church as far to the back of the bus as possible. It needs to be a relationship that is not built on the church in any way.

It's imperative that you help her to understand where you are and what you are willing to do/not do, as far as the church goes. Make sure she doesn't think you're there for her to save. The fact that she was willing to read the CES letter says a lot. Consider how much you are willing to participate in the church, if at all, and stick to it. If that means attending Sacrament Meeting just to sit with her, and absolutely nothing else, she needs to understand and actively support you in that. If you want no interaction with the church she needs to know that up front and accept that it will never change.

My advice would be to take it very slowly, tell her your entire story and your plans concerning the church, that you are interested in her as a person, not her as an LDS woman. Set your boundaries and see how it goes for a few months. At this point, I wouldn't make a final decision one way or the other based solely on your feelings about the church until you understand better where she is.

Considering that you haven't had your first date yet, I wouldn't get too far ahead of things one way or the other.

Meilingkie, you are a very nice person, and we all support you. I agree with Hagoth above -- any new relationship should not be based upon church attendance or church beliefs.
You seem to be surrounded by well-meaning people who want to set you up with single women very quickly. This includes your ex-wife. ( it seems to me that she wants you to find someone else ASAP so she can feel less guilty about the break-up. But, that may just be my impression).
After 15 days, things are moving very fast, as you explained. It is fine to do what you said, just nod politely and say you will think about it.
It is okay to just take it "one day at a time." Please take care and keep us updated. - Wndr.

[Brent]

Lover & LDS in the same sentence is an oxymoron.

[jfro18]

Nothing wrong with having lunch and getting to know someone better. As others have said - it probably doesn't need to be a prerequisite for a relationship, but you'll want to be upfront at some point about your feelings with the church. If you both know where things stand are are OK with it, that could be the foundation for a good, trusting relationship that keeps the church away from the center of your lives.

I personally wouldn't want to be involved with someone in the church if I was in that position, but we all have our own paths that shape where we want to go. Really it comes down to setting those boundaries before things were to get super serious, but not worrying about it until then.

[moksha]

An obvious point to consider is that not all LDS members are the same. Some adhere to the principles of the Dark Ages and some are cruising along in the 21st Century.

The crucial thing to do is determine if she is a TBM with enough literal belief and zealotry baggage to make her disqualified as a Meilingkie dating prospect. If she is of this century, then look to see what you have in common.

[GoodBoy]

Sure! Why not? If not, you would be being as close-minded as the TBMs that drive us crazy. You probably have much more in common and have similar thinking than you would have otherwise. As long as she isn't a fundamentalist and isn't close-minded and is OK with you not attending when you don't want to, then... sure.

Here's my (likely unwanted) advice:
Be slow to jump back into long term commitments. Don't make any big decisions for at least a year I would say. Also, if you develop a more serious relationship, don't try to change her, and be very wary if she seems like she wants to change you. You have to accept each other the way you are, and will probably need to be OK with large parts of your lives being kind of separate, but just having a friend to do things with on the weekends, and someone to sleep next to at night. Trying to meld your minds and lives into one is likely going to be an exercise in frustration for mature individuals.

[No Tof]

I have a TBM LDS lover now and wouldn’t trade her for anything. If I had to find another partner I don’t think I’d discriminate on the grounds of church affiliation. If I wasn’t with DW I probably wouldn’t have much or any connection to the church so the likelihood of connecting with a member would be small but if chance brought us together I think it could work.

Unlike my temple marriage a new one would start out with effort to actually getting to know the other and test all aspects of compatibility. We wouldn’t just have the spiritual witness to make us feel/know all would work out.

If we had similar outlooks, enjoyed lots of the same things and could enjoy the process of seeking true intimacy, then that would be a green light, LDS or Buddhist.

Wishing you real joy in your future.

[Archimedes]

No. People are shit.

[Reuben]

No. People are shit.

I don't understand how the second sentence supports the first.

[nibbler]

Would you consider an LDS-lover again?

[mooseman]

Sure i would.

As long as thats not her whole identity. As long as its not what our relationship and future was built on. As long as she respects my beliefs, opinions and we can have stimulating conversations.

So she's have to be pretty special.

They do exisit though. My brother, who's been out for years recently met a young lady who let him know up front shes lds and asked what he thought of "working towards a Temple marriage" and he politely said no way, explaining he's not even on the records now. Two weeks later, she suggested they have a slumber party.
He's very happy with his lds lover.