My "no one-on-one interviews with my daughter" experience

[Culper Jr.]

Some time back when I first heard about the Sam Young petition, I decided this was a great idea and wanted to implement it with DD. I really wanted to get my TBM DW on board though so that we could present a united front on this. I wasn't sure how she'd react; she's pretty turbo TBM. To my surprise, she was totally on board and by the time the conversation ended, she was more fired up about it than I was.

I get along pretty well with our bishop, and I took him aside and spoke to him about it, and he agreed immediately. I guess they've had some guidance on this? Anyway, no pushback at all. I sent a follow up email to him and his counsellors and he replied that he would make sure my wishes were followed.

Up until recently, in interviews the bishop has only asked, "Do you obey the law of chastity?" with no other follow up questions. DD (13 years old) had a recommend interview with the bishop recently which was the first time since we've started the no one-on-one thing she'd been interviewed. DD wanted a YW leader that she's close to to go in with her and that was fine, just so another adult would be in there.

I was waiting outside the office, and when DD came out she was like, "let's just go" with a serious look. We were riding home, and I asked her what's wrong. She starts crying and told me the bishop asked her about porn, masturbation, touching others; all kinds of things. "It was CREEPY, he was CREEPY!" she kept saying. I was pretty livid. Told DW and she was pretty livid. Called and made an appointment with the bishop.

We go to the interview, and DW wants to take the lead because, "you get too mad and I don't want this to turn ugly if we can help it." So we go in and DW is sort of dancing around the subject trying to be diplomatic and I'm sitting there probably looking like I want to take his head off. Finally I just said, "Look, DD knows what the law of chastity is, so all you need to ask her is if she lives it. That's it." He was then saying that a lot of kids don't know what he means by the law of chastity. I told him that the effect of his questioning is that DD comes in excited to go to the temple, and comes out feeling gross and creeped out. She goes in respecting the bishop and comes out thinking he's -quote- "creepy". I told him that even though he may have good intentions, I don't think he realizes the effect of his questions on these young kids. Bishop seemed pretty upset that DD thinks he's creepy, so maybe it hit home. Anyway, he agreed to no more invasive questions.

We were driving home and I asked DW, "you think he got the message?" "Uh, I think EVERYBODY got the message!" Just walking into the church building puts me in a foul mood, so evidently I had sounded angrier than I intended.

I'm happy the bishop is willing to respect our wishes, but I am so angry the church makes us have to go through this in the first place. In addition, I'll probably have to go through it again whenever this bishop's term is up and we get a new one. Who knows what that person's attitude toward this will be? I mean, this bishop is on the "good guy" end of the spectrum, so as annoying as all of this was, it was pretty tame compared to what others deal with or what I may have to deal with in the future.

[Dravin]

We were driving home and I asked DW, "you think he got the message?" "Uh, I think EVERYBODY got the message!" Just walking into the church building puts me in a foul mood, so evidently I had sounded angrier than I intended.

Angrier than intended maybe, but considering you didn't leave him cowering in a puddle of his own urine I'd say you were restrained. He violated both the trust of your daughter and the trust of you and your wife and he did it by sexually harassing your daughter. So I say, even if you sounded angry, kudos on your restraint.

[moksha]

The LDS Church lets its untrained representatives ask some pretty invasive questions.

Seems like a wildlife situation where the wolf buffalos the sheep; so all you Moms and Dads quit being dormice and speak up like Culper Jr. - protect your brood.

[alas]

I think your anger was appropriate. Bishops need to learn that this kind of questioning is creepy, and it makes the girls think their bishop is creepy. I remember thinking that my bishop was creepy, although I can't remember 50 years latter what specifically he did to make me feel he was creepy, but it went as far as me wondering if my friend his daughter was safe or was he creepy with her too. It is pretty bad when the teen girls get to wondering if he is molesting/voyeristic with his daughter. See, my father was molesting me and he was "that way" with me.

I think by definition, if someone does not understand the definition of the law of chastity, they cannot be breaking it. Think about that, if they do not know enough to about sex to understand the law of chastity, they do not know enough to give informed consent. Therefore, if they have not given informed consent, they are innocent. So, if the child does not know what the words "law of chastity" mean, then by definition, they are obeying it. (Well, unless they are repeating behavior done to them by molesting another child, and even then the courts define them as more of a victim than perpetrator)

[2bizE]

What i am contemplating doing on a fifth sunday with combined RS and EQ.
Bishop question for group: Why is the church the only true and living church on the earth?
2bizE raises hand: Bishop do you and your wife prefer oral sex to regular sex? Also, what is your favorite sexual position? Oh, have you ever tried anal sex? What are your thoughts on that?
I'm sure everyone will be about as uncomfortable as a youth being asked sexual questions in an interview.

[MalcolmVillager]

DW and I have discussed this and have formulated our plan. Luckily our bishop spoke to your YW and read them all the questions he is required to ask for mission interviews. He then laid out what any I interviews before that time would look like. He told them they can refuse any question. He told them he will not ask any specific questions or explore in any way. Simply "do you live the law of chastity". He also mentioned that they should bring someone else.

I even heard a rumor that no adult should ever be alone with any minor, including BP and SP leaders.

The church is changing. It has to. That doesn't make it true, but that makes me happy for all the children and women throughout the world who are set up for abusive and manipulative environments.

[Not Buying It]

The remarkable thing isn’t that you are angry. The remarkable thing is so many members whose children are asked similar questions aren’t angry.

You bet it’s “creepy” - your daughter nailed it.

[Mormorrisey]

I think you and your daughter handled this very well. And it is creepy, no doubt, she nailed it.

Good for you to set the boundaries!

[slavereeno]

The remarkable thing is so many members whose children are asked similar questions aren’t angry.

+1

[AllieOop]

Not Buying It wrote: ↑Mon May 07, 2018 7:00 am
The remarkable thing isn’t that you are angry. The remarkable thing is so many members whose children are asked similar questions aren’t angry.

This. It's this type of "programming" of young girls (and boys) that it's ok to be alone with an adult male, behind closed doors, with them being asked inappropriate sexual questions that lead to what just happened to the sister missionaries with the mission president who was sent home from Puerto Rico and ex'd (President Philander Knox Smartt III). The youth grow up believing every one of their leaders is inspired and of God and whatever they ask or do is righteous.

There are blog posts being posted that were written by sister missionaries (certain ones were called to be "Sister Missionary Trainers' who were alone without a companion). One posts that she's staying at the mission home (alone) and has her own bedroom and bathroom. These blog posts are for everyone to read, but mainly for her parents (there are personal messages in them), and the parents were just fine with reading this. Why no red flags? This mission president was into deep doctrines and attempting to start living polygamy. Turns out that his wife was in the US quite a bit for health reasons and he was back with these sister missionaries alone.

Thank goodness another sister missionary broke the rules and called SL about what was going on. But the parents? No...if the MP was doing this, it was from God.

Here's one of the blog posts:

I'm at the Mission Home right now. I spent the night here, and I"ll be going out to Ponce this evening to work with HERMANA G. and give her companion a break. Not sure how I feel about it, but I'll go where the Lord needs me to go. She doesn't know I'm coming yet, but when she finds out, I know she'll be really happy. She calls me often and when she heard about my new calling, she said she couldn't wait for me to come down there. (Little does she know, though, that a visit from me isn't necessarily a good thing...) But I'm excited! It'll be a fun experience. And on Thursday, if all goes as planned, I'll be back in Fajardo with Hermana D. for a day.

But back to the here and now, I'm pretty much living here when I don't have anywhere to go. I'd been lugging all my junk around this past week, and it's nice because I get to leave it all here. I have my own room and bathroom! It's like I'm back home!!

And more:

“How many ‘Sister Missionary Trainers’ are there in the mission? There are 5: two live in Rincon, and the other two live in Old San Juan, and me, obviously. I could have ‘lived’ in either house (technically, just left my stuff there), or come here, and I decided (obviously) to come here. I feel like I'm at home! Kinda. Just without you guys. Last night was like my first real Sunday I've had in almost a year, where you just sit at home and don't really do anything. I felt super uncomfortable, like I was neglecting some important task. And this morning, at breakfast time, I felt awkward too, cuz none of the food that's here is what I bought, and I felt like I was stealing. But whatever. I'm over it. Last night for dinner, we had grilled chicken, and it made me think of Dad's Korean chicken. Good stuff.

Well anyway, I hope I answered all your questions sufficiently. I have NO idea what I'm supposed to do here all day, I'm by myself in a huge house, and I'm waiting for my laundry to finish. NORMAL LIFE IS SO BORING. Hahahaa.”

[græy]

... the effect of his questioning is that DD comes in excited to go to the temple, and comes out feeling gross and creeped out. She goes in respecting the bishop and comes out thinking he's -quote- "creepy". I told him that even though he may have good intentions, I don't think he realizes the effect of his questions on these young kids.

Bravo! And kudos to you and your wife! While the whole situation should never have occurred in the first place, it sounds like you made a difference to that bishop. I imagine your daughter also has no room to doubt who's side you're on.

[MoPag]

We were driving home and I asked DW, "you think he got the message?" "Uh, I think EVERYBODY got the message!" Just walking into the church building puts me in a foul mood, so evidently I had sounded angrier than I intended.

Way to rampage for your kid!! You are an awesome dad!

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[Culper Jr.]

Thanks for the comments everyone, it means a lot.

Way to rampage for your kid!!

Yessss!! So funny, LMAO!! You can always be counted on MoPag for a great Archer reference!