Faith Crisis and Depression

This is for encouragement, ideas, and support for people going through a faith transition no matter where you hope to end up. This is also the place to laugh, cry, and love together.
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Kalikala
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Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by Kalikala » Wed May 23, 2018 10:29 am

I know it’s not uncommon for depression to be a side effect of a faith crisis, but has anyone had their faith crisis during an already existing bout of depression?

I’ve been dealing with this bout of depression and anxiety for well over a year now. My faith crisis is only a few months in. Some days I’m ok, some days I’m apathetic and don’t care about anything, and some days I feel like I’m drowning.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in this position and what they found useful or beneficial.
"The opposite of Faith is not Doubt, it's Certainty." ~ Anne Lamott

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Red Ryder
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by Red Ryder » Wed May 23, 2018 10:59 am

It's complicated. Looking back my faith crisis occurred in my early 30's when life was pretty busy with little kids, career ambitions, and a general sense of "church really sucks, I'm not getting anything out of it". My faith transition answered a lot of questions in my mind but also created a complete sense of loss of a known way of life and created a lot of uncertainty. At first I couldn't embrace the uncertainty which caused anxiety and depression that lasted for the first year. I quickly realized it was taking it's toll and I counterbalanced it with focus on things I wanted to do. Things I needed to do for myself. Once I learned to take care of myself, the guilt and shame inherent in Mormonism faded. Once those were gone life got better upstairs between my ears. Now I thrive off uncertainty and find a unique sense of beauty within it!

How to make it better?
Don't be ashamed to see a therapist.
Don't be ashamed to take medication.
Exercise! Exercise! Exercise!
Find what makes you feel better and control your environment.

I've found that when I'm aware of my moods and pay attention to the tone of my own self talk I'm able to assess and make adjustments to manipulate my emotions back to my baseline. I do this with self talk centered around gratitude, listening to music I like, listening to podcasts of stuff I find interesting, listening/watching stand up comedy. I highly recommend Ali Wong's new bit on Netflix. It's hilarious.

Our brains can be distracted with a lot of things that mask depression and anxiety but the reality is some times we need chemical adjustments and medication/therapy to get through it. Everyone is different so find what works for you.

I also recommend finding other NOM's who you can meet in person and form a support group. There's nothing better than getting together for lunch and listening to everyone's story and realizing you aren't the crazy one for thinking Mormonism is crazy. It is!
“It always devolves to Pantaloons. Always.” ~ Fluffy

“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga

“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg

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MerrieMiss
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by MerrieMiss » Wed May 23, 2018 11:46 am

My faith crisis coincided with postpartum depression. I don't know if one caused the other - chicken and egg type of thing. The truth is, I have a family predisposition to depression, and I've probably been depressed on and off for a lot of my life. While I am not in the throes of a deep depressive funk, I don't feel like I've fully recovered or been "myself" since the last kid was born. In order to move past it, I think I need to move past the church and that's been...complicated. So there's that.

My faith crisis was more of an existential crisis (maybe all of them are? I don't know) and I still find myself fighting existential angst now and again. I'd put so much trust and energy and myself into the church, I didn't know who I was, what I wanted, what the purpose of anything was...it was a downward spiral and I am certain I was very, very unpleasant to live with for several years.

I saw a therapist for a while. It took me hitting rock bottom to see one since I had been given the idea that they were bad (see Boyd K. Packer) and I could just pull myself up by my bootstraps and I knew a lot of LDSFS therapists in my ward and was less than impressed with them. With the help of my OBGYN I found a non-mormon therapist. It was good to say things to someone I didn't know and had no personal interest in me. It helped to just talk to someone, talk through my feelings, learn to acknowledge that I had feelings and that was okay. My experience in the church was being told how to think, how to feel and how damaged I was if I didn't fall in line with what the church said I should be feeling/doing. I've been thinking about going back to a therapist.

A few things I've done that help (not solve it, but do make things more uplifting, pleasant, small joys and ways to get through the hard times)
  • Painted the walls. It seems stupid, and I never would have believed it, but my mood lifted entirely once I painted the halls/living space another color
  • self care - for me this means I get a haircut every six weeks, no excuses
  • exercise - truthfully, this only makes me feel better while I am doing it. The benefits disappear once I stop, but it feels good to look back at the day and say "I went on a run" rather than "I ate a bag of potato chips." I also felt waaaay better once I stopped exercising with mormon women. Exercising alone was better than that.
  • I put up a birdfeeder -I enjoyed watching and seeing the birds all through the winter and spring. They became regular visitors I looked forward to seeing every day. I also enjoyed listening to their songs. It's been a fun activity with the kids as well.
  • Go out in nature - this one benefits me more than exercise. If I am feeling really down, I get myself and the kids out in a natural setting - not a manufactured space, not the temple, but something natural. We may walk through a greenspace nearby, go on a hike, whatever
  • Find people that aren't mormon to spend time with
  • I go to the ocean regularly - there's something calming about the waves, the cool air, the repetition of the water, and just seeing and knowing how big it is - it is so much bigger than me and and anything I can comprehend. I suppose a lot of people feel the same way about space/the universe, but for me the beach is much closer :D
  • I put flowers outside the kitchen/living space windows - again, I feel like this is stupid, but I put a hanging basket outside the kitchen and made sure the view outside the windows where I spend the most time is weeded, flowering, green, etc. It makes me feel so much better to look out the window to see that than dismal dirt or weeds. It took some energy to do this (which is so hard to come by when depressed and apathetic), but it has more than paid off for me.
I'd be interested to hear the small things other people do.

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2bizE
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by 2bizE » Wed May 23, 2018 12:27 pm

Yes, I have been in an unhealthy, depressed state for a few years. It is complicated, and I try to endure...but I’m not sure how long I can last in this state.
~2bizE

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Linked
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by Linked » Wed May 23, 2018 1:17 pm

I can't speak to starting a faith crisis with depression, I've never been diagnosed, though I think I've had a couple bouts. Very high anxiety one day and just wanting to sleep all day the next, living in my own head and feeling nothing. My tactics are pretty specific to my needs and likes.

- Play a team sport, basketball for me
- Increase time with friends (this can backfire, it's probably more of a keep depression at bay than get out of depression)
- Change whatever needs changing, or formulate a plan that takes you out of the situation causing depression (for me work anxiety on top of faith crisis stuff took me over the top. Thinking of and acting on ways to reduce the work anxiety has been helpful. Obviously a faith transition creates a bunch of unsolvable issues which is part of the problem, but maybe something can be "fixed".)

How do you find a therapist? I googled some and the names of the clinics really turned me off, and I just don't know what makes a good counselor or bad. Is it important to go to a psychiatrist, psychologist, or is a mental health coach ok? I am at a point now where I am bouncing between really low and ok, and it would be nice to have a place to go if I go really low again...

Sorry if this is a thread jack.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

Reuben
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by Reuben » Thu May 24, 2018 3:50 am

I used to think my faith crisis began about a month after my third bout with depression was over. Now that I've written about it, it's clear that it actually began a little while after depression lifted. It just took about a month of post-depression rumination, increasing cognitive dissonance, and denial before all the Mormonism was torn away and I finally recognized what had happened.

That bout of depression had been caused by another health issue. If I had resolved the other health issue later, I'm sure I would have had a faith crisis anyway. My mind had started heading that direction months before depression set in. It would have really sucked to have struggled with losing half of my identity while still depressed. The aftermath of a faith crisis is hard enough on its own.

Kalikala, I second other people's suggestions to see a therapist if you're not seeing one already. I'm emerging from my fourth bout of depression now, which was caused by a different health issue, work-related stress, and loss of my church tribe. Even though the health issue is taken care of, I still feel depression tugging at me sometimes. Cognitive behavioral therapy has been super helpful in helping me identify and change some unhelpful thinking habits so I can better keep depression at bay.

Another thing I've found super helpful is learning secular Buddhism. The fear, pain and sorrow we feel when we lose cherished things or anticipate losing them, including religion and tribe, is partly caused by necessary changes to our expectations and resistance to those changes. Mormonism doesn't teach people how to deal with this beyond general platitudes about accepting adversity. It usually denies that profound losses happen by teaching that everything good will be restored.

At 40 years old, just before my faith crisis, I had never had to deal with sorrow by expecting it and leaning in to push through it, even though I had lost three grandparents. This year, I needed help to deal with losing my tribe, as well as a lot of other possible and anticipated losses. Secular Buddhism has worked great. I started with this book, written by someone who has had to deal with chronic pain, which brings chronic losses:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Wake-Up-Bu ... 1614290563

I highly recommend it. There's also a lot of great stuff from Noah Rasheta, an exmo who has a secular Buddhism podcast and has written a book on it:

https://secularbuddhism.com/

I've found that secular Buddhism has a lot in common with cognitive behavioral therapy, but it tends to focus on change via acceptance rather than change via self-reprogramming. It's a good complement.

Secular Buddhism and CBT have also helped me help our youngest daughter deal with anxiety. I take a combined approach; usually meditation plus talk therapy. CBT self-reflection is like this: "What were you thinking about?" "What worst thing were you afraid would happen?" "What do you think is likely to happen?" "What can you try to think next time instead?" Secular Buddhism self-reflection is like this: "Thank you, brain, for trying to keep me safe, happy, and healthy." "What would the worst thing actually be like?" "What makes you feel worse, the worst thing, or being afraid of the worst thing?"

It's been working pretty well so far.
Learn to doubt the stories you tell about yourselves and your adversaries.

Kishkumen
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by Kishkumen » Thu May 24, 2018 9:54 am

My Faith Crisis, i.e. Faith Transition was the final straw to erupt my depression into total life crisis.

I'm still going through it. The fallout is hasn't ended. For some, it seems a faith transition makes things better. For me, things have not gotten better yet. It can take a long, long time.

Just stay connected with open communication with your spouse. Don't repeat my mistake.

Hopebeat
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by Hopebeat » Thu May 24, 2018 2:37 pm

My suggestion is to write down as many things as you can that bring YOU joy. What do you like to do? What did you used to do in the past? Do you like books, being out in nature, chatting with friends, or maybe a certain type of music? Do at least one thing a day that you want to do that brings you joy. Something to look forward to. Be there for yourself. If the church can’t be there for you then step in and be there for yourself. Hold space to feel the feelings that are there so they can be let go. I have some books that can help if you’re interested I’ll let you know the titles.

Another suggestion I have is to find something to fill the loss you feel. Someone suggested Buddhism. If that resonates with you go for it. For me, I didn’t find my thing until months after FC and after I had started working on self development with a life coach (which is an amazing alternative to therapy, by the way). I found yoga. Actually it kinda found me and I’m obsessed with it. It works for me. Find what works for you.

The question of therapy has been around a few threads and I would say to look into life coaching instead. They give you a different perspective on life instead of sitting there trying to work on the past. Therapy never worked for me. But others find value in it and that’s good for them.

Take care.

Margarita
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by Margarita » Fri May 25, 2018 2:53 pm

I did not know what real depression was until Ieft the church..you mix anger and depression..it spells help. Get some. I ended up going to a counselor...on prozac..and it has taken many years to develop self esteem outside the church that so reveled in my service and devotion. I had to regain the talents I had in that service and remember it was me..not God..that gave me the assurance of worth. Best to you.

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whatififly
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by whatififly » Sun May 27, 2018 9:32 pm

I had depression prior to my faith crisis, and in some ways my faith crisis has actually helped lessen my depression. I no longer feel held to a rigid box of LDS standards that I could never quite meet. However, the beginnings of my faith crisis were absolutely brutal. I would experience bouts of terror concerning what happens after we die. It did super weird things to my brain to suddenly be on the "wrong" side. My grandmother is a convert and has always disparaged those who leave the church for intellectual reasons. It really encouraged an us vs. them mentality in me. She made ex-mormons sound so depraved! Realizing that I identified with them sure was a trip and took its toll on me. It was beyond depressing.

As this transition has progressed I feel that I am in a much better place mentally and emotionally. I feel more at peace than I have in years. I'm still dealing with occasions of fear and wonder if Satan really does have ahold of me, but this usually occurs late at night when my mind is its most vulnerable. It has helped me a lot to re-evaluate my beliefs and explore the newfound freedom to decide for myself what resonates for me. Reading about anything and everything that I have wondered about but that contradicted LDS beliefs, whether or not I agree with it. I've learned about evolution, reincarnation, and various religions. Spending quiet time in nature and learning to relax and fully appreciate small moments has been therapeutic as well.

Learning how to recognize the indoctrination has also helped with depression. Reading about mind control techniques has made me so much more self aware and confident in my self and my own abilities to recognize what is true to me and makes me happy.
“There is freedom waiting for you, on the breezes of the sky, and you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?” ― Erin Hanson

Proud Doubter of Dubious Doctrines

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whatififly
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by whatififly » Sun May 27, 2018 9:36 pm

MerrieMiss wrote:
Wed May 23, 2018 11:46 am

A few things I've done that help (not solve it, but do make things more uplifting, pleasant, small joys and ways to get through the hard times)
  • Painted the walls. It seems stupid, and I never would have believed it, but my mood lifted entirely once I painted the halls/living space another color
  • self care - for me this means I get a haircut every six weeks, no excuses
  • exercise - truthfully, this only makes me feel better while I am doing it. The benefits disappear once I stop, but it feels good to look back at the day and say "I went on a run" rather than "I ate a bag of potato chips." I also felt waaaay better once I stopped exercising with mormon women. Exercising alone was better than that.
  • I put up a birdfeeder -I enjoyed watching and seeing the birds all through the winter and spring. They became regular visitors I looked forward to seeing every day. I also enjoyed listening to their songs. It's been a fun activity with the kids as well.
  • Go out in nature - this one benefits me more than exercise. If I am feeling really down, I get myself and the kids out in a natural setting - not a manufactured space, not the temple, but something natural. We may walk through a greenspace nearby, go on a hike, whatever
  • Find people that aren't mormon to spend time with
  • I go to the ocean regularly - there's something calming about the waves, the cool air, the repetition of the water, and just seeing and knowing how big it is - it is so much bigger than me and and anything I can comprehend. I suppose a lot of people feel the same way about space/the universe, but for me the beach is much closer :D
  • I put flowers outside the kitchen/living space windows - again, I feel like this is stupid, but I put a hanging basket outside the kitchen and made sure the view outside the windows where I spend the most time is weeded, flowering, green, etc. It makes me feel so much better to look out the window to see that than dismal dirt or weeds. It took some energy to do this (which is so hard to come by when depressed and apathetic), but it has more than paid off for me.
This. The small things really make a difference. Painting the walls and planting trees and flowers in my yard were huge for me. Like you, I have experienced postpartum depression and found that just painting the walls bright, happy colors and putting color outside to look out was very instrumental in lifting my mood. Going outside and listening to the birds and making a concentrated effort to breathe slowly and clear my mind has been great.
“There is freedom waiting for you, on the breezes of the sky, and you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?” ― Erin Hanson

Proud Doubter of Dubious Doctrines

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MerrieMiss
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by MerrieMiss » Wed Jun 06, 2018 3:48 pm

I've been thinking about this, and while I think a lot of depression and anxiety may come with or as a result of the faith crisis, there's also a lot of depression and anxiety that leaves. It's like trading one kind for another. It can feel so good to get rid of all the baggage that the church loaded up on, like the guilt and perfectionist thinking. Losing belief in the church is a loss, it's hard and often wrapped up with a loss of identity. It's still difficult for me, and I haven't believed at all for over four years and had very serious doubts for about three years prior to that. But there is the nice part of no longer caring about whether I am as good as the mormon mom next to me, because frankly, I don't care anymore.

whatififly wrote:
Sun May 27, 2018 9:36 pm
This. The small things really make a difference. Painting the walls and planting trees and flowers in my yard were huge for me. Like you, I have experienced postpartum depression and found that just painting the walls bright, happy colors and putting color outside to look out was very instrumental in lifting my mood. Going outside and listening to the birds and making a concentrated effort to breathe slowly and clear my mind has been great.
Yes, I didn't mean to paint to improve my mood, I needed to repaint, did it, and suddenly noticed I was less tense generally and life wasn't such a drag at home. It was great. The natural world is wonderful for calming and clearing the mind.

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Archimedes
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by Archimedes » Thu Jun 07, 2018 8:45 am

Kalikala wrote:
Wed May 23, 2018 10:29 am
I know it’s not uncommon for depression to be a side effect of a faith crisis, but has anyone had their faith crisis during an already existing bout of depression?

I’ve been dealing with this bout of depression and anxiety for well over a year now. My faith crisis is only a few months in. Some days I’m ok, some days I’m apathetic and don’t care about anything, and some days I feel like I’m drowning.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in this position and what they found useful or beneficial.
Yes. Yes to anxiety and depression, in my case. Actually found out that the anxiety and depression had been there for many years, untreated.

Modern psychology and mediations are not a cure-all but can be helpful in many cases. I suggest a non-LDS counselor/psychologist. Good luck in your struggles.
"She never loved you; she loved the church, her one true love. She used you to marry the church by proxy."

-- unknown reddit poster

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Perfigliano
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by Perfigliano » Fri Jun 08, 2018 7:44 pm

For me, while the faith crisis itself was stressful and depressing, with each step away from the church, my depression diminished. Turns out the church was a major source stress, especially during my 6 months of questioning.
Integrity is more important than loyalty.

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Hagoth
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by Hagoth » Sat Jun 09, 2018 2:34 pm

Kalikala wrote:
Wed May 23, 2018 10:29 am
I know it’s not uncommon for depression to be a side effect of a faith crisis, but has anyone had their faith crisis during an already existing bout of depression?

I’ve been dealing with this bout of depression and anxiety for well over a year now. My faith crisis is only a few months in. Some days I’m ok, some days I’m apathetic and don’t care about anything, and some days I feel like I’m drowning.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in this position and what they found useful or beneficial.
First of all, I want to give you a big virtual hug Kalikala. Hang in there.

I experienced depression during my faith crisis, but I had never been diagnosed with depression and didn't understand the pain I was feeling. As I came to accept the unwelcome truth much of the pain began to dissipate. Being able to eventually laugh at how seriously I had taken the role playing of Mormonism was a huge help.

Best of luck!
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” -Mark Twain

Jesus: "The Kingdom of God is within you." The Buddha: "Be your own light."

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Kalikala
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Re: Faith Crisis and Depression

Post by Kalikala » Mon Jun 11, 2018 12:24 am

Thank you all for the positive responses. I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist this week to see if we can get my medication smoothed out. I’m hopeful that that will help.
"The opposite of Faith is not Doubt, it's Certainty." ~ Anne Lamott

Love More.

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