Expressing anger in healthy ways

[IT_Veteran]

For a long time, roughly the three+ decades I’ve been around, I’ve been taught that anger breeds contention which invites the spirit of darkness (as my TBM Mom referred to it). At the very least, it drives the spirit away.

With my newfound outlook on life, I’m learning to embrace my anger rather than hide from it. Right now, I’m mad as hell at my FIL (again). DW called to let him and MIL know that my 17 year old has left the church. She did this now because, well, they’ll be here in two months for a visit.

FIL is, thankfully, at least laying lip service to not being upset or frustrated with DS. All of the anger and frustration has been directed at me. I was ready for that, and fully expected it. I’m sure I’ll receive an email in the next day or two.

I’ve found though, that writing is cathartic to me. So I wrote him a letter tonight. I spent about an hour writing and revising. It’s still not perfect but it’s how I feel. It’s my anger expressed in, what I feel anyway, is reasonably respectful in tone. Don’t get me wrong, it’s confrontational IMO, but I’m not going to let him walk all over me.

That said, I don’t intend to send the letter for the time being. If he sends me some asinine appeal to his authority, I may reconsider, but this letter was written to him, for me.

I’d like to share it here if anybody would like to read t, but it’s long so easier to share the document. If you’re not interested in reading it, I’d still like to hear how you all deal with anger constructively.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-WM ... T3B_HRv9Cc

[Mormorrisey]

I find that writing my thoughts down, even if I don't send the actual piece to whoever needs it, is extremely cathartic, so I applaud you doing that, even if you don't send it. I have a series of letters that I keep that I never sent to my very narcissistic mother, and I will never send them. It will only feed her persecution complex, she won't listen, so it was mainly for me. I gave up LONG ago that she would ever respond to me with any form of love or compassion or empathy, so writing my thoughts down was simply for me, which clearly this letter is.

Keep it, live it, but I would be hesitant to send it. But a very thoughtful, reasoned response. It just might not be received that way, and that would be my hesitation, not knowing your father in law. But reading what you've written about him, and what your wife wrote, that increases my hesitation.

Good luck, I responded on your wife's post too. Man, I'm jealous you get to post simultaneously. In a mixed faith relationship myself, we've got to stick together!

[RubinHighlander]

I find that writing my thoughts down, even if I don't send the actual piece to whoever needs it, is extremely cathartic, so I applaud you doing that, even if you don't send it.

+1

I find that frequent use of the F word and other expletives on the commute helps me mentally deal with Utah's idiot drivers. I sound like a sailor with Tourettes, but it's more healthy than brandishing a more physical form of anger. I think of it as road rage prevention management.

[IT_Veteran]

I find that writing my thoughts down, even if I don't send the actual piece to whoever needs it, is extremely cathartic, so I applaud you doing that, even if you don't send it.

+1

I find that frequent use of the F word and other expletives on the commute helps me mentally deal with Utah's idiot drivers. I sound like a sailor with Tourettes, but it's more healthy than brandishing a more physical form of anger. I think of it as road rage prevention management.

Never swearing until reaching the decision to leave the church, I can attest to this. I don’t swear in front of kids (at all) or wife (very much) but when I’m alone or with certain groups of friends I let it fly. There’s catharsis to be found there, for sure.

[MoPag]

I find that writing my thoughts down, even if I don't send the actual piece to whoever needs it, is extremely cathartic, so I applaud you doing that, even if you don't send it.

+1

I find that frequent use of the F word and other expletives on the commute helps me mentally deal with Utah's idiot drivers. I sound like a sailor with Tourettes, but it's more healthy than brandishing a more physical form of anger. I think of it as road rage prevention management.

Same^^ Not when DD is in the car with me though

It's important to give anger a healthy outlet, otherwise it comes out in one form or another and might hurt someone we didn't intend to hurt.

[Margarita]

Wow..I wish that I had a letter like this many moons ago for my own father. Be prepared to send it one day..time will tell. I wish you and famiy many, many good things.

[IT_Veteran]

Thank you!

[Thoughtful]

Anger can really propel action, and change. Ignoring anger is a tool of oppression, if anger is bad, one cannot challenge wrongs.

I think what happened to you is just terrible. I completely understand how in-laws can be utterly infuriating and complicated to deal with because your spouse, even when they agree with you feel and interact with it all differently.

Good luck.

[Coop]

I read your letter and would like to make a few comments. And because we don’t know each other personally I can as candid as I like knowing that you are free to ignore any advice I give.

First off your letter comes off more apologetic than I would like to see. Anger is good. Going on and on, on why you are angry isn't that good. It weakens your position. While it might feel cathartic to write all the reasons why you don’t believe anymore I would be amiss if I didn’t tell you not to send it.

If you did sent a letter I would focus more on the time and energy you spent investigating the Church’s truths claims and not on the results of that effort. The best part is when you; acknowledge the risks of disclosing your disaffection with the Church, how that might impact your relationships, and how you put off disclosing your feelings because of others feeling. This is, by the way, a very Christ like behaviour.

All the best,
Bob

[IT_Veteran]

I read your letter and would like to make a few comments. And because we don’t know each other personally I can as candid as I like knowing that you are free to ignore any advice I give.

First off your letter comes off more apologetic than I would like to see. Anger is good. Going on and on, on why you are angry isn't that good. It weakens your position. While it might feel cathartic to write all the reasons why you don’t believe anymore I would be amiss if I didn’t tell you not to send it.

If you did sent a letter I would focus more on the time and energy you spent investigating the Church’s truths claims and not on the results of that effort. The best part is when you; acknowledge the risks of disclosing your disaffection with the Church, how that might impact your relationships, and how you put off disclosing your feelings because of others feeling. This is, by the way, a very Christ like behaviour.

All the best,
Bob

Thank you for this. I’ll have to go back and reread it, I didn’t intend for it to come across as apologetic. I think I was trying to find a way to help him understand, or at least what I’d like to tell him, without completely destroying the relationship. After sitting on it for the last several days, I still don’t think I want to send it. I know, in all reality, that it doesn’t matter what I say. He’s going to react the way he wants to and he’s not going to consider my feelings or hers. Still, writing it was cathartic and I think it helped me to recognize there is no point to sending it. The writing of it is what mattered to me, not sending it.