How do you respond when...

This is for encouragement, ideas, and support for people going through a faith transition no matter where you hope to end up. This is also the place to laugh, cry, and love together.
Somegirl
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How do you respond when...

Post by Somegirl » Tue May 29, 2018 9:24 pm

Somebody says something like: I’ve missed you at church. Or I haven’t seen you at church in awhile. Or I haven’t seen you in forever!

I have been getting comments like this lately. A girl from my ward (that I don’t know very well) texted me today to ask a question, and she said something about not seeing me at church in awhile. Previously when people would make these comments, I would become uncomfortable because I’m not really sure how to respond. Today I just wrote back “I haven’t been to church in awhile. How are you and your family doing?” I figured I may as well just say that as it’s the truth, and surprisingly it didn’t feel awkward. Maybe that’s also because it was over text and not in person, and we aren’t really friends that get together... but who knows?

What do you all say?

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jfro18
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Re: How do you respond when...

Post by jfro18 » Tue May 29, 2018 9:43 pm

I think it all depends on what you're comfortable revealing.

I've seen some that will reply with "Yes, I have not been to church in a while. I have come across some information in the church's history that I did not previously know. I'd be happy to talk with you about it, but I also respect your testimony and do not want to put this on you. If you do want to talk further let me know."

Then I've seen people that just stay cryptic and let them know they haven't gone lately... or people who just try to effectively hide from the "love bomb"... or those who almost play along for a while just to keep everyone at bay.

I think it all depends on what you want people to know - some have to do the slow fade because of family and friends, while others can just cut the cord and walk away without a second thought.

Easy, right? :lol:

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Just This Guy
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Re: How do you respond when...

Post by Just This Guy » Tue May 29, 2018 10:24 pm

In my experience, I really depends on the person saying that they haven't seen you.

I have had some people use that as a way to guilt you to coming back. I have seen others where church was their primary method of social contact with a person and that was their way of saying they missed the contact with you, but were willing to come up with new contact methods outside of church.

Is the person someone you would want to have contact with outside of church? How much effort you put into it, may be dependent on how much they are worth to you.
"The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." -- Douglas Adams

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glass shelf
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Re: How do you respond when...

Post by glass shelf » Tue May 29, 2018 10:58 pm

Depends on the person and what I want our future relationship to be. Mostly, I just smiled and nodded. If it's someone that I actually like and want to see more of, I'd say, "I miss you, too. Let's do lunch. How's next Tuesday for you?"

It's been almost 4 years since I left, so it's not much of an issue for me anymore, but that strategy helped me keep some friends that I actually do enjoy. People who really want to be your friend will jump on an actual social invitation, and then you can see where it goes from there.

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slavereeno
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Re: How do you respond when...

Post by slavereeno » Wed May 30, 2018 8:48 am

I find it telling that:

1. DW and I are terrified of the ostracism, shunning, shaming and judging that will be directed at us by many who are close friends and loved ones if/when we leave.

2. Those people are supposed to be members of Jesus Christ's one true church.

My brain cannot make both of those statements true. If number 2 were "those people are supposed to be members of a cult" then it all works out and 2+2=4 again.

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wtfluff
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Re: How do you respond when...

Post by wtfluff » Wed May 30, 2018 8:59 am

Somegirl wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 9:24 pm
Somebody says something like: I’ve missed you at church. Or I haven’t seen you at church in awhile. Or I haven’t seen you in forever!
I personally haven't had this experience. It seems that all of my "friendships" in my ward were so completely superficial, that all of those "friends" have completely forgotten me. Other "active" folks in the neighborhood have pretty much avoided me like the plague also. It may be that my wife who still attends on occasion has told everyone to avoid me also.

If it ever did happen, honestly I'd like to answer the "Haven's seen you at church" statement with: "Church sucks. Most everyone who attends every week knows it, they're just unable to actually admit it to themselves, and/or say it out loud."

As far as "haven't seen you in a while" I'd love to reply: "I haven't moved. Let me know when you'd like to drop by." (Like any of them actually want to drop by... :lol: )

Yes, my social-reject comes out when I think about these scenarios. Why not just be honest instead of the stupid passive-aggressive mormon dance?
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus

Keep the company of those who seek the truth - run from those who have found it -Václav Havel

We are secrets to each other

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MoPag
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Re: How do you respond when...

Post by MoPag » Wed May 30, 2018 10:34 am

Somegirl wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 9:24 pm
Somebody says something like: I’ve missed you at church. Or I haven’t seen you at church in awhile.
You could say "Yeah, well I figured out that church sucks a$$...sooo...I'm not going anymore."
...walked eye-deep in hell
believing in old men’s lies...--Ezra Pound

Cadahangel
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Re: How do you respond when...

Post by Cadahangel » Wed May 30, 2018 2:27 pm

Funniest thing I have seen lately with something like this I was in a business and two employees were talking. Out of nowhere one of them just asked the other Are you Mormon? Which she replied "Not Usually" it made me laugh and left the guy who asked speechless :lol:

Somegirl
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Re: How do you respond when...

Post by Somegirl » Wed May 30, 2018 9:19 pm

jfro18 wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 9:43 pm
I think it all depends on what you're comfortable revealing.

I've seen some that will reply with "Yes, I have not been to church in a while. I have come across some information in the church's history that I did not previously know. I'd be happy to talk with you about it, but I also respect your testimony and do not want to put this on you. If you do want to talk further let me know."

Then I've seen people that just stay cryptic and let them know they haven't gone lately... or people who just try to effectively hide from the "love bomb"... or those who almost play along for a while just to keep everyone at bay.

I think it all depends on what you want people to know - some have to do the slow fade because of family and friends, while others can just cut the cord and walk away without a second thought.

Easy, right? :lol:
Oh yes, very easy! ;) I appreciate your insight. I have done a few of those responses I guess. Great thoughts!

Somegirl
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Re: How do you respond when...

Post by Somegirl » Wed May 30, 2018 9:22 pm

Just This Guy wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 10:24 pm
In my experience, I really depends on the person saying that they haven't seen you.

I have had some people use that as a way to guilt you to coming back. I have seen others where church was their primary method of social contact with a person and that was their way of saying they missed the contact with you, but were willing to come up with new contact methods outside of church.

Is the person someone you would want to have contact with outside of church? How much effort you put into it, may be dependent on how much they are worth to you.
Great thoughts and questions. This is somebody that I barely know. She friended me on social media after the first time she saw me at church (a few years ago - she had just moved into the ward). I didn’t even know her name at first. I think she was substituting in my child’s primary class or something. So... I don’t really know her, though she’s nice enough. I think I’ll stuck to the bare minimum with my responses to her. 😉

Somegirl
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Re: How do you respond when...

Post by Somegirl » Wed May 30, 2018 9:23 pm

glass shelf wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 10:58 pm
Depends on the person and what I want our future relationship to be. Mostly, I just smiled and nodded. If it's someone that I actually like and want to see more of, I'd say, "I miss you, too. Let's do lunch. How's next Tuesday for you?"

It's been almost 4 years since I left, so it's not much of an issue for me anymore, but that strategy helped me keep some friends that I actually do enjoy. People who really want to be your friend will jump on an actual social invitation, and then you can see where it goes from there.
This is a good idea. I will keep the lunch invitation in mind.

Somegirl
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Re: How do you respond when...

Post by Somegirl » Wed May 30, 2018 9:28 pm

slavereeno wrote:
Wed May 30, 2018 8:48 am
I find it telling that:

1. DW and I are terrified of the ostracism, shunning, shaming and judging that will be directed at us by many who are close friends and loved ones if/when we leave.

2. Those people are supposed to be members of Jesus Christ's one true church.

My brain cannot make both of those statements true. If number 2 were "those people are supposed to be members of a cult" then it all works out and 2+2=4 again.
Terrified is a good way to describe the situation. It’s hard when you worry about losing pretty much your whole support system! Luckily I’ve never relied on much from ward members, and for some reason I’ve never been close friends with people in my wards. My friends are all people I’ve met through college, work and I still have a great friend from high school. But obviously the family is a different story.

Somegirl
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Re: How do you respond when...

Post by Somegirl » Wed May 30, 2018 9:31 pm

wtfluff wrote:
Wed May 30, 2018 8:59 am
Somegirl wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 9:24 pm
Somebody says something like: I’ve missed you at church. Or I haven’t seen you at church in awhile. Or I haven’t seen you in forever!
I personally haven't had this experience. It seems that all of my "friendships" in my ward were so completely superficial, that all of those "friends" have completely forgotten me. Other "active" folks in the neighborhood have pretty much avoided me like the plague also. It may be that my wife who still attends on occasion has told everyone to avoid me also.

If it ever did happen, honestly I'd like to answer the "Haven's seen you at church" statement with: "Church sucks. Most everyone who attends every week knows it, they're just unable to actually admit it to themselves, and/or say it out loud."

As far as "haven't seen you in a while" I'd love to reply: "I haven't moved. Let me know when you'd like to drop by." (Like any of them actually want to drop by... :lol: )

Yes, my social-reject comes out when I think about these scenarios. Why not just be honest instead of the stupid passive-aggressive mormon dance?
Yes, I understand superficial friends from the ward. It’s surprising to me that this person reached out. We haven’t seen Home teachers or visiting teachers in years, let alone anyone trying to be my friend. I think I must be a social reject too - at least when it comes to this ward 😉.

Somegirl
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Re: How do you respond when...

Post by Somegirl » Wed May 30, 2018 9:31 pm

MoPag wrote:
Wed May 30, 2018 10:34 am
Somegirl wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 9:24 pm
Somebody says something like: I’ve missed you at church. Or I haven’t seen you at church in awhile.
You could say "Yeah, well I figured out that church sucks a$$...sooo...I'm not going anymore."
Lol. Great idea!

Somegirl
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Re: How do you respond when...

Post by Somegirl » Wed May 30, 2018 9:32 pm

Cadahangel wrote:
Wed May 30, 2018 2:27 pm
Funniest thing I have seen lately with something like this I was in a business and two employees were talking. Out of nowhere one of them just asked the other Are you Mormon? Which she replied "Not Usually" it made me laugh and left the guy who asked speechless :lol:
That is funny. I always wish I could think of these things on the spot. I usually think of something funny to say afterwards. This is great though!

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deacon blues
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Re: How do you respond when...

Post by deacon blues » Thu May 31, 2018 7:01 am

Somegirl wrote:
Wed May 30, 2018 9:32 pm
Cadahangel wrote:
Wed May 30, 2018 2:27 pm
Funniest thing I have seen lately with something like this I was in a business and two employees were talking. Out of nowhere one of them just asked the other Are you Mormon? Which she replied "Not Usually" it made me laugh and left the guy who asked speechless :lol:
That is funny. I always wish I could think of these things on the spot. I usually think of something funny to say afterwards. This is great though!
Excellent response. Humor greases the wheels of human relations. :lol:

I'm reminded of the old adage- "diplomacy is to do or say the hardest thing in the nicest way."
God is Love. God is Truth

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AllieOop
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Location: Where the sand meets the Sea...

Re: How do you respond when...

Post by AllieOop » Thu May 31, 2018 7:25 am

Somegirl wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 9:24 pm
What do you all say?
I've responded with saying something like, "We've been spending a lot more time together doing things as a family." It's only happened a few times, but I've found no one can argue with that or say anything negative in return.

I've also just nodded and said, "Yes, it has been awhile." I haven't ever had anyone ask me why or want to talk about any reasons I may not be attending. Seems no one really wants to ask those question (at least in my experience).
"There came a time when the desire to know the truth about the church became stronger than the desire to know the church was true."

dogbite
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Re: How do you respond when...

Post by dogbite » Thu May 31, 2018 7:27 am

"your eyes seem to work just fine then"

Acknowledges you're not there, changes the topic puts them off balance a bit

Somegirl
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Re: How do you respond when...

Post by Somegirl » Thu May 31, 2018 9:06 pm

deacon blues wrote:
Thu May 31, 2018 7:01 am
Somegirl wrote:
Wed May 30, 2018 9:32 pm
Cadahangel wrote:
Wed May 30, 2018 2:27 pm
Funniest thing I have seen lately with something like this I was in a business and two employees were talking. Out of nowhere one of them just asked the other Are you Mormon? Which she replied "Not Usually" it made me laugh and left the guy who asked speechless :lol:
That is funny. I always wish I could think of these things on the spot. I usually think of something funny to say afterwards. This is great though!
Excellent response. Humor greases the wheels of human relations. :lol:

I'm reminded of the old adage- "diplomacy is to do or say the hardest thing in the nicest way."
What a great reminder, thanks! I’m always trying to fix the nicest way to say things. Especially those hard things. 👍

Somegirl
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Re: How do you respond when...

Post by Somegirl » Thu May 31, 2018 9:07 pm

AllieOop wrote:
Thu May 31, 2018 7:25 am
Somegirl wrote:
Tue May 29, 2018 9:24 pm
What do you all say?
I've responded with saying something like, "We've been spending a lot more time together doing things as a family." It's only happened a few times, but I've found no one can argue with that or say anything negative in return.

I've also just nodded and said, "Yes, it has been awhile." I haven't ever had anyone ask me why or want to talk about any reasons I may not be attending. Seems no one really wants to ask those question (at least in my experience).
You know, come to think of it, nobody has asked me why either. I guess they don’t really want to know, huh?

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