NOM

I haven’t said much on this board but I’ve been a quiet observer. I left the church several years ago, but DH stayed. I completely respect his beliefs but it’s still hard sometimes. I’m the only one that’s not LDS now on both sides of our families and some of them still don’t even know. So my question is when does the loneliness get better? My husband is super understanding, but i don’t talk to him about it much anymore. I don’t have any friends that aren’t super Mormon and I work in a very Mormon environment. I’m surrounded. For the most part it’s ok, but then I have times where Im just tired of feeling different. Going back isn’t an option either. I can’t make myself believe after all I’ve learned. Sorry I just had to vent to people that’s would probably understand. Thanks for listening.

Hey..I know that integrity..real truth..and being genuine in love and friendship..doesn't always hug you back..but you have what others do not have..real self respect. Hugs to you..I admire you and you know..the church doesn't have anything over you love for spouse and family and their for you. Be strong.

That sucks that you're in an area where its hard to find non-LDS people to go out to lunch with or just talk to.

I'm lucky to be away from the 'mormon corridor' so I'm not surrounded by it, even if the church has been and continues to be a wedge in my marriage. There's no going back for me either, which is awkward around family who are LDS, but again I'm not surrounded by it so that's not nearly as bad as it could be.

The only think I can think of is to try joining some outside groups - maybe some hobby groups, sports groups, nature groups, whatever... and see if you can find some people you could hang out with to talk to. It's been helpful to me to be on here to vent and discuss because I can't really *talk* about this with anyone else, but actually getting out and being around other people is so helpful even if you're not talking about church at all.

One caveat to that is if you do end up going that route, be upfront with your husband that you need an outlet for what you're going through. That might be weird, but it's probably better now than down the road.

And, as always, feel free to post here. Most of us are going through this to some degree, and I think it's sometimes easier/safer to talk here than to do it with people we know who either don't agree with us or just have no understanding of what we're going through.

Hope things get better... and keep us posted!

You’re not alone! Online friends counts for something, right!

Remember that God/Spirit/ Higher Self/universe/ source/ life/whatever you want to call it, it’s is not just in those churches or bibles or temples. It’s right here. It’s between the lines and felt in those slow moments. It’s in nature especially. I’ve felt God more sitting outside in nature with gratitude then I ever have in those temples. Connect with animals or trees. I don’t know if you still believe in God but just find where you connect with it, the feeling of aliveness. Where do you feel peace? Follow that. Then you’ll get more peace. Learning to actually trust you feelings is so hard after coming out but we need to do whatever makes us feel most alive. When that happens you’ll know you’re not alone. There’s life all around us and the place to start is within yourself.

I don’t usually go all that spiritual and gushy, but I felt the need to. That’s what I’ve found helps me. Take what you need and leave the rest. We’re here for you! <3

Yeah, online friends do count. Thanks all of you. It always helps to know someone hears you and isn’t judging at all. I’ll look harder to find a connection to nature, I really like that idea. Thanks again, I needed it.

It's tough because I feel like I don't fit in to any group. I can't relate well to never-mo's and I can't relate well with members any longer, and I don't want to be super bitter like a lot of exmo's are. Online forums like this and a select few friends and family are all there is now. Lonely indeed.

I live in small town Utah in winter and small town Idaho in summer, so I am not only surrounded by total TBMs, but very conservative TBMs, with very limited other social outlets. So finding monmember friends is hard. NOM is about the only place I find people who think like me, so it is still a necessary part of my sanity.

So, my recommendation would be to post on NOM more. Meanwhile, look for other groups you can join, or take some classes from community education or whatever university is close.

Mormonism is only an illusion of friends and companionship. Parrallel activity, not interaction. Join a group of similarly interested people as yourself. The first few meetings will also just be parallel, but you'll soon grow some bonds and deeper interaction beyond the surface.

Activity in the Mormon church was never a friendship community for me. Beyond common belief we didn't actually share any values or interests. And the belief can't bear much discussion or analysis so there's no way to build much there.


Your sense of loneliness may also be clinical. Try out some therapy and see if that helps your skills and relationships. Some chemical medicine may also be of benefit and there's no failure on your part in that benefit. My daughter has strong anxiety among other issues. Her friends are chronically late, to varying degrees. She threw a gathering recently and they were over an hour late at the worst but they did show. That hour was very difficult for her and if she were not on medication I don't know how she'd have come through. Chemical imbalances are real and shape one's view of reality.

It gets better.

I truly sympathize. I am the singular unbeliever in my family although my Lesbian daughter has caused my children to be liberal believers. But siblings and parents are all quite devout and I am largely tolerated as an iconoclast at best.

Leaving the LDS church without finding a new social group is really tough. It's such an easy community to join despite the high demand nature of belonging to it. As a result I do recommend two things. First is to join the Mormon Stories Facebook group. You can certainly check for people in your area that also belong.

In addition, check out Mormon Spectrum. This includes a map to the hopefully local people that you can contact. Simply having an occasional lunch with a sympathetic and understanding former believer is really cathartic.

Hugs sweetie!

Loneliness is certainly a part of the journey. And it's a part we all have to revisit from time to time. Hang in there. At least we all have NOM!

Here’s a little song to help you get along. It will see you through when you’re feeling blue. And though it’s not profound when you’re feeling down, so down,Sing this little tune, and you’ll feel better soon.

You’re not alone, even when you’re feeling on your own, You are loved in ways that can’t be shown; your needs are known;

You’re not alone!

And when you cry, you’re just letting go of heartache deep inside, And tomorrow there’ll be sunshine and sky and love close by;

You’re not alone!

And we know that it’s not easy, but we know that it won’t last, ’cause one that loves you more than me is sending blessings fast.

You’re not alone, say it one more time,

“I’m not alone,”

And even when it’s hard to find the words, our prayers are heard; We’re not alone.

You’re not alone.

Scruples wrote: ↑

Sat Jun 09, 2018 3:35 pm

My husband is super understanding, but i don’t talk to him about it much anymore. I don’t have any friends that aren’t super Mormon and I work in a very Mormon environment. I’m surrounded.

I understand how this would be really tiresome. It's OK to speak up/vent here if you need to. We're glad you're here now. I think without this community I might actually lose my mind just because I don't know who, IRL, I can really trust. But this is a safe space.

Thank you for that Red Ryder!! I love it and it means a lot! . If I’ve learned anything from this post it’s that even though I may feel alone I’m really not. You have all been so kind to give me ideas I didn’t have before, and booste me up when I was down. There are some amazing people in the NOM world, I think I’ll keep coming!

Scruples wrote: ↑

Mon Jun 11, 2018 3:48 pm

Thank you for that Red Ryder!! I love it and it means a lot! . If I’ve learned anything from this post it’s that even though I may feel alone I’m really not. You have all been so kind to give me ideas I didn’t have before, and booste me up when I was down. There are some amazing people in the NOM world, I think I’ll keep coming!

Don't thank me... Thank Micheal McLane!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bVFrs-rxo98

Well thanks for bringing it to my attention. Lol

First off, I'm sorry and I have been there.

There are people out there to be friends with IRL who aren't Mormon, maybe time to put yourself out there a bit and start looking if you are ready? I have some resources for women through facebook if you want to DM me. There's a few ex-Mormon women groups for Utah and a few non-Mormon groups for Utah that have nevermos and postmos in it. I'm now part of a non-mo book club! Who'd have thought that was even possible for me? Not me, a few years ago.

The pain and isolation is very real. And when you are ready, there is life after Mormonism. <3 It takes a lot more work and effort to make friends without the church handing out relationships like visiting teachers or doing a calling together with an automatic shared connection of shared faith and goals, but it really can happen. Even in Utah County! It's slow and sometimes awkward, but possible.

If you don't want to do the groups I suggested, there are lots of other ways, meet up website, join hobby based classes, get into politics (there's a group called Democratic women of Utah County that meets monthly).