It's not about you

[Reuben]

I was reminded this week of a conclusion I came to years ago about the bullying I had endured in school. I also realized that I've been unknowingly - and I think correctly - using this conclusion as an assumption in understanding how and why the church has bullied me and mine. In case it's helpful to those who haven't worked through bullying and similar forms of abuse before, here's what I was reminded of.

Bullying is never about you. It only looks like it's about you because you're the direct object.

Bullying is really about the bully's needs and wants, and is done in accordance with warped attitudes that justify harming you in order to secure them.

When the spoiled jock in sixth grade elicited jeers against me, it was to maintain his high status in an unstable social hierarchy. He wasn't about to have it threatened by a mouthy newcomer who acted above his station... or he just saw an opportunity to climb a little higher. He acted in accordance with social norms and was probably mimicking a parent.

When my parents refused to adjust their unrealistic expectations of me, which led to my childhood being characterized by much more judgment and criticism than acceptance and praise, it was because they were afraid. If I failed to eventually meet their expectations, it would be their failure as well, by their own judgment and by the judgment of their peers. They acted in accordance with false ideas about absolute agency, and were mimicking their own parents and their church.

When I used to shout at my kids, it was almost always to try to meet a real need for a low level of aural and visual noise. Where I went wrong was thinking it was okay to let myself fly off the handle to coerce them into giving it to me. I was mimicking my mother, who has the same need. She was mimicking her father, who almost certainly did, too.

When the church teaches my daughter that she's broken, or teaches my family and friends that I'm contaminated, it's because those teachers have based most or all of their self-worth on the prophets always being right, their church being uniquely God's, and their self-exalting beliefs being true. (Have you noticed that the worst of it tends to come from Mormons who feel like they have the most to lose if they're wrong?) They judge and reject, and divide and derogate, in accordance with current Mormon doctrines of self-earned purity and worthiness. They mimic their parents, past church leaders, and as they suppose, God himself.

The most insidious bullying happens when it becomes internalized: when the bullied takes the place of the bully in abusing the self. It's still done to secure needs and wants, and in accordance with warped attitudes that justify harm. In this case, the bullying is about you, just not in the way you think. It's really hard to notice that you're doing it, let alone stand up to yourself over it. Authoritarian social groups with a strong sense of identity and something to prove have been bullying their members into bullying themselves pretty much forever.

In all of these examples, the bullied have been or done something that makes the bullies afraid. They fear losing status, fear failing, fear experiencing pain, fear losing power or control, or fear losing self-worth. Regardless of their perceived or stated reasons, bullies act to protect themselves.

If you're bullied, rejoice and be glad, for so bullied they the people before you who also terrified them.

[vankimber]

I came to this same conclusion a couple of months ago, in treatment for PTSD caused by my abusive parents. It opened up a whole new perspective for me when I realized that it was never about me. These people had decided who I was, and, since they couldn’t bear being wrong, would never see any need to adjust their thinking. It’s sad because they spent their lives reacting to a person who never existed, and that kept them blind to the person who was right in front of them, who had more admirable traits than they could ever imagine. The towers of strength that they imagined themselves to be were actually as fragile as empty eggshells, unable to endure the slightest perceived bump. As obvious as that may seem from the outside, it took me years to fully realize it. It was hugely freeing to know it had never been about me.