Voted off the island

[Thoughtful]

Tonight I was uninvited to Spouseman's reunion. Apparently, I'm depressing people, and there is concern that I might make a scene.

This because I'm not ok with brushing lewdness with children under the rug. Also they don't like that I told another victim to go to the police like I did about what happened to my daughter.

I wasn't going to the reunion anyway, because I had already decided not to take on their negativity. However, I also realize that part of the dichotomy of scapegoating includes a hero complex as counterpoint. One is scapegoated, the other is elevated as the hero. In this case, the hero is Spouseman's parents who preserve the status quo. I dislike that someone is getting a ego boost from this.

[Reuben]

However, I also realize that part of the dichotomy of scapegoating includes a hero complex as counterpoint. One is scapegoated, the other is elevated as the hero. In this case, the hero is Spouseman's parents who preserve the status quo. I dislike that someone is getting a ego boost from this.

Seems similar to how getting pushed out of the church feeds its persecution narratives, which of course cast the church as the beleaguered hero.

I think people tend to make moral decisions by choosing the actions that they think will make them feel safe and worthwhile. When safety clashes with worth, you get crap like your current family drama. Shame is a powerful thing.

Sucks to be in your place right now. (((Thoughtful)))

[alas]

Will spouseman side with his parents and go to the reunion, or side with you and stay home? It is past the point where he can remain “neutral” and just go to the reunion without you. Before his parents became so vocal, he could have, but with his parents disinviting you, he kinda will have to chose sides. I think they want people to proclaim loyalty to them rather than you and are forcing the issue. Kind of trial by splitting the family in half. If enough people side with her, then he really didn’t do anything. I don’t think they imagine they could lose a son over this. For him to show up at the reunion at this point would be a huge show of support for the child molester. For ANYONE to show up at this point is loyalty to the jerk.

His parents are so deep into rape culture that they are siding with the offender against his victims. I can’t comprehend ANYONE siding with an offender against their own grandchildren. If someone had done something to my grandkids, I would be right there prosecuting them, no matter if it was another family member, even my child. Heck, if my only son was doing anything sexual to any of my grandchildren, I would be all for locking him up and throwing away the key.

I am so angry for you I could spit. This is gong to leave me stabby all day, and I better shut up before I just feed your anger.

[achilles]

I agree with alas. Spouseman needs to take a stand. But the consequences are not mine to live. You're very brave. Offenders can be very good at pulling the wool over everybody's eyes.

[Thoughtful]

Seems similar to how getting pushed out of the church feeds its persecution narratives, which of course cast the church as the beleaguered hero.

Interesting, isn't it? I note that this whole scenario involves everyone falling right in line with what I would expect to happen in a dysfunctional family system. Had a great talk with Spouseman last night about how infuriated he is by how they choose to handle things in the worst way possible, all the while thinking they are most functional and special.

It was a good opportunity for me to note to him how his dad in particular is always very "othering" in his speech about people, and it's clear who is on the outs from the way he talks about them. I pointed out to Spouseman that there's no doubt who is being talked about this way to others right about now.

Will spouseman side with his parents and go to the reunion, or side with you and stay home? It is past the point where he can remain “neutral” and just go to the reunion without you. Before his parents became so vocal, he could have, but with his parents disinviting you, he kinda will have to chose sides. I think they want people to proclaim loyalty to them rather than you and are forcing the issue. Kind of trial by splitting the family in half. If enough people side with her, then he really didn’t do anything. I don’t think they imagine they could lose a son over this. For him to show up at the reunion at this point would be a huge show of support for the child molester. For ANYONE to show up at this point is loyalty to the jerk.

His parents are so deep into rape culture that they are siding with the offender against his victims. I can’t comprehend ANYONE siding with an offender against their own grandchildren. If someone had done something to my grandkids, I would be right there prosecuting them, no matter if it was another family member, even my child. Heck, if my only son was doing anything sexual to any of my grandchildren, I would be all for locking him up and throwing away the key.

I am so angry for you I could spit. This is gong to leave me stabby all day, and I better shut up before I just feed your anger.

The offender has been uninvited. One of the "depressing" things I've done is point out that including a known pedophile could disrupt my nephew's adoption of a baby from foster care. They uninvited him. I am unclear on whether uninviting me reinstated him...

The enmeshment and confusion is very thick with these.

I agree with alas. Spouseman needs to take a stand. But the consequences are not mine to live. You're very brave. Offenders can be very good at pulling the wool over everybody's eyes.

I am not sure yet what Spouseman will do with it all. I did overhear him standing up to his parents on the phone when they said they think I'm "enjoying" what I'm "doing to them."

[wtfluff]

+1 more to the thought that Spouseman needs to leave the island with you.


We have something "slightly" similar going on in my family with an in-law doing stupid things, and then blaming everyone else, and "punishing" them for their actions. (Nothing involving children, but abusive nonetheless.) I won't be attending any family functions with the offender; It will be interesting to see how everyone else handles the situation...

[Just This Guy]

If nothing else, think of it this way...

You now have a free weekend (day, week, whatever it was planned for) for you, the kids an hopefully your spouse. Go do something fun that you want to do.

I always found family reunions annoying and pointless. If I got told not to come, I would be celebrating.