Bittersweet

[Emower]

She tells me something about reading women's abuse stories on Facebook. #whyididntreport. It was depressing she said. One week earlier we had a fight over Sam young. He could have handled it differently, should have handled it with more love. She still hasn't read those stories. I drew a parallel. I tried to have a talk. No go.

I am sorry we don't have anything talk about.
I am sorry I can't accept what you accept.
I am sorry we live seperate lives and separate wants.
I am sorry I can't keep my thoughts to myself.
My thoughts feel like they have a will of their own.
Someday, they will quiet. Until another Sam young gets excommunicated. Or another kid gets abused. Another mall is built, another gas lamp is lit. Then those thoughts will show again. It may never end.

Somedays I think "yes, I am free!" I rejoice in a newfound sense of wonder, awe, and excitement as I survey the world from on top of a mountain peak. I toast with a beer that doesn't taste good, but it represents something.

Other days I think "why did I go down this road?" Why have I subjected my family to this heartache? I feel like I am on the loneliest road I have ever trod. And I feel guilty for feeling that way. It was my choice after all.

[IT_Veteran]

I've had similar feelings at times. My wife has been on board with Sam and has actually all but left the church at this point. I'm very lucky in that regard.

But I watch her struggle, and cry, and quietly rage at the church. And it's hard, because it's mostly my fault. It's my fault we're at this point because I wouldn't just go with the program. She would disagree with me, I think. She would tell me that it's okay. But it's so hard sometimes to see what I've done.

At other times it's great. It's great to repair the relationship with my oldest because I'm not shaming and judging him for things anymore. It's great seeing my middle child get over the modesty teachings and be comfortable with herself, even if she still believes.

You're not alone.

[græy]

I am sorry we don't have anything talk about.
I am sorry I can't accept what you accept.
I am sorry we live seperate lives and separate wants.
I am sorry I can't keep my thoughts to myself.

...

Other days I think "why did I go down this road?" Why have I subjected my family to this heartache? I feel like I am on the loneliest road I have ever trod. And I feel guilty for feeling that way. It was my choice after all.

I really can relate to this. A few nights ago I was reading Saints when my wife got home from a rare night out with friends. She asked what I was doing and I told her, but then joked that I felt I should read the book since we watched an hour long commercial for it the other night. (Referring to the Cook face-2-face.)

What I thought was a small joke set off a 20 minute talking-to from her about how negative I've become about the church.

But from her perspective, I'm sure I am quite negative. I have no one else to talk to. I don't really have any good friends within the church (and none outside who would understand). The people I might go to are the ones in power over our ward and stake, who I'm certain would call for my release and make a big public thing about it if I came clean about my doubts. The result is I tend to unload on her. But I'm finding now that I can't do that either.

As a result, we're taking a break from watching Remini's Scientology series, and our conversations are all about family schedules, or which episode of The Office she'd like to see. Nothing of substance, that's a level of intimacy that we can't really approach anymore.

I feel like I am on the loneliest road I have ever trod. And I feel guilty for feeling that way. It was my choice after all.

Amen, brother.

[Red Ryder]

Young Padowan,

Don't rage against yourself, rage against the machine!

You guys are in a great spot relative to the alternatives. Just read reddit and you'll agree with me.

I think your issue is safety. It's hard to feel safe outside of the church when you've never been outside of the church and everyone you know outside of the church is normal. Mormons don't recognize normal. They see normal and translate to non-member which in turn means worldliness.
Your wife feels comfortable and safe within the bubble wrap of the church.

So what do you do? Pull back on church conversations. Every conversation triggers her self defense mechanism muscle. This exercise is building her mormon muscle and dividing your relationship.

Focus on her feeling safe in your new normal.

It gets better with time.

[wtfluff]

I have no one else to talk to. I don't really have any good friends within the church (and none outside who would understand).

Find someone else to talk to, I mean, there really are dozens of us!

It's what I do to keep sane. Just like many of you, speaking the truth at home is like unto murder...

[græy]

Find someone else to talk to, I mean, there really are dozens of us!

LOL

imgur: Tobias Funke - "Dozens!"

[MerrieMiss]

I'm sorry it's like this. I always assume that unless someone is posting otherwise, everyone's lives are going great and not nearly as dysfunctional as my own. My husband and I have had some really bad conversations around this recently so all I can do is commiserate. I have no answers.

I'm sorry we live separate lives and separate wants

This is really, really hard. Just like that talk Hinckley gave about the mistake at the switchyard resulting in a mistake ending up hundreds of miles apart, somewhere in my relationship with my husband we took different tracks and I sometimes wonder if we will ever be able bridge that gap.

As a result, we're taking a break from watching Remini's Scientology series, and our conversations are all about family schedules, or which episode of The Office she'd like to see. Nothing of substance, that's a level of intimacy that we can't approach anymore.

The Office is one of those shows we watch over and over and I can't help but feel uncomfortable in the later half of the series as it highlights all of the problems with Jim and Pam's marriage. I know the show took a kind of dive after Carell left, but I think the writers nailed difficulties in marriage. I feel like I'm Jim sometimes - I made these decisions and I just never let my husband in on any of it. And I feel like my husband looks at me with that look that Pam has - "What is wrong? What isn't MerrieMiss telling me?" and the gap just widens. So I stay because I love him and my family, but I'm not okay with it. And because my life isn't a television show, it doesn't wrap up all nice and in a feel good way where everyone is happy. Even something without substance, like watching The Office begins to feel lonely.

[Emower]

So what do you do? Pull back on church conversations. Every conversation triggers her self defense mechanism muscle. This exercise is building her mormon muscle and dividing your relationship.

Sigh.
I was doing really good with this until the Sam Young thing. The hardest part is I can pull back, focus on feeling safe, getting over my feelings etc. But if something comes up, it just reveals that it was all an illusion. The chasm is still there, you are still on opposite sides, all you did was quit paying attention to it. And in that way I suppose the chasm disappears and ceases to have any effect, until something makes you look down and you realize "yup, we have not actually moved anywhere. That sucks."

I'm sorry it's like this. I always assume that unless someone is posting otherwise, everyone's lives are going great and not nearly as dysfunctional as my own. My husband and I have had some really bad conversations around this recently so all I can do is commiserate. I have no answers.

Even something without substance, like watching The Office begins to feel lonely.

I guess some level of dysfunction comes with the territory of being involved with Mormonism on the fringes. I can visualize and imagine that eventually, substance can disappear. I totally understand emotional affairs now. There are large swaths of things we just cant talk about anymore because they either remind me about problems with the church, they remind her about my problems with the church, and for some reason or another I cant seem to not think about it. I dont know exactly how to fix it, other than just getting over things, which apparently is not an area I am good at. I always thought I was a laid back guy, but that doesnt seem to translate here.

[RubinHighlander]

It sucks being in the thick of the suck!

I take most of the responsibility for all the pain I put my DW through when I was going south and she was TBM. I felt a lot of guilt at times when I saw her cry or get upset at the situation I put us in, especially when she said "This is not what WE signed up for!"

But in the end when she found her own way out, it was all worth it. We've never been happier. I know it's not always a happy ending for you NOMs out there, but try not to give up hope. It is a lot of give and take, sometimes for years. Try to stay true to yourself, but also sensitive and sincere to those around you that still believe the BS.

Good Luck!

[stealthbishop]

I can relate. It’s really hard. No couple is perfectly aligned but religion and politics are really tough when there isn’t much overlap. Finding and emphasizing what is in common becomes crucial.

[Thoughtful]

I cringe to think how I would have treated Spouseman had he transitioned first. It would not have been pretty. I do not doubt he handled it more patiently and more kindly than I would have.

I'm 5 years into my transition. He started reading Letter to my Wife about 3 weeks ago. His shelf started cracking hard only after our daughter was harmed by his relative and the church did what they do about those things.

I don't know if I have any good advice, because I can't picture myself reacting well in your wife's shoes. But I think that finding what you do have in common and building, even if it seems casual and less intimate, and starting fresh with whatever small crumbs of concrete are left of your common interests. Give space and love and be committed if you can. I believe love is worth it. I am not sure how much someone has to endure for love though, and I know as LDS women we are well programmed to punish a man that is not a good priesthood holder to be the rock our family is built on, and the salvation our family depends on.

Lots of compassion and positive vibes coming your way. I hope she will come around the way I Spouseman is (I hope he is.)