Endure to the End

This is for encouragement, ideas, and support for people going through a faith transition no matter where you hope to end up. This is also the place to laugh, cry, and love together.
Tudor_Princess
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Jun 05, 2018 12:40 am

Re: Endure to the End

Post by Tudor_Princess » Thu Nov 29, 2018 2:26 pm

Wow. I couldn't do all that. I never even did all that when I was a TBM 😂 Perhaps its slightly different for me as DH is on board with my dissafection. But whereas I'm ready to leave he wants to cling on, even though he hates going to church more than I do!
The only church related thing I do is attend around one-2 times a month, and say a prayer every night with the kids. That's literally it. If I had to do all you do feeling g like I do, I genuinely think I'd have a nervous breakdown. Kudos to you my friend.

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Dravin
Posts: 339
Joined: Sun Oct 23, 2016 11:04 am
Location: Indiana

Re: Endure to the End

Post by Dravin » Thu Nov 29, 2018 4:11 pm

I wouldn't be able to do it beyond some sort of short term waiting for shock to wear off situation. Those ultimatums would eventually be tested even if the consequence was possible divorce. Not that I would deliberately throw away my marriage, but a marriage with a prerequisite "You pretend to believe what I believe or else." is one I would eventually nope out of. Of course I have no kids, so that removes that particularly messy situation from consideration.
Hindsight is all well and good... until you trip.

Mackman
Posts: 36
Joined: Sat Apr 07, 2018 10:03 am

Re: Endure to the End

Post by Mackman » Fri Dec 07, 2018 7:41 am

I am amazed that you are able to do all that and keep it all in your head !! I tried that but was unable too. My situation is very much the same. I am however considering to opt out on the or else part !!!! I am threatened with rejoin the church , I left 18 months ago but have never stopped attending . Rejoin or else !!!! I am thinking maybe or else isn't that bad. We will see down the road I guess. God bless to all that post and keep me somewhat sane!!!!!! P.S. I think this behavior qualifies as emotional abuse, does anyone else agree ???

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alas
Posts: 950
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 2:10 pm

Re: Endure to the End

Post by alas » Fri Dec 07, 2018 12:11 pm

Mackman wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 7:41 am
I am amazed that you are able to do all that and keep it all in your head !! I tried that but was unable too. My situation is very much the same. I am however considering to opt out on the or else part !!!! I am threatened with rejoin the church , I left 18 months ago but have never stopped attending . Rejoin or else !!!! I am thinking maybe or else isn't that bad. We will see down the road I guess. God bless to all that post and keep me somewhat sane!!!!!! P.S. I think this behavior qualifies as emotional abuse, does anyone else agree ???
After working with women and men who were experiencing physical and/or emotional abuse, I have to say “Maybe this could be abusive.” Depending on if it is a threat and part of a pattern of controlling and demeaning behavior. It would not be abuse if the spouse is normally kind and this just happens to be something they can’t live with. But any ultimatum that says “do _________, or I will divorce you,” is a bad idea. You just don’t go throwing around the word “divorce” if you want to stay married. But it is only emotional abuse, *IF* is is part of a pattern of controlling behavior. It crosses a line from stating what you want into controlling your spouse, and depending on whether it is just badly stated, or is part of a pattern of demeaning and controlling behavior. Any ultimatum given as an ultimatum and not as deal breaker crosses into control. So, someone who throws out the word “divorce” frequently may be doing it as control, and keeping their spouse off balance and insecure. It is a fine line between saying, “I just will not stay married to someone who cannot support me and the children in Mormonism,” and “If you stop going to church, I will divorce you.” One is drawing a boundary about what behavior you will and will not accept and the other attempts to control your spouse. It is the motivation of the spouse that makes the difference, and how clear they are about what is and is not acceptable and how many and how often they throw out ultimatums, and if there is other controlling and demeaning behavior.

So, is this the ONLY thing she has ever threatened divorce over? Does she make you feel inadequate and like nothing you do is ever good enough? Does she control your friends or contact with your family? Does she insult you about your looks or dress or behavior? Does she control the finances? Does she control you in other ways, or is this a case where she just needs her husband to help here raise the children in Mormonism?

Mackman
Posts: 36
Joined: Sat Apr 07, 2018 10:03 am

Re: Endure to the End

Post by Mackman » Fri Dec 07, 2018 2:12 pm

Thanks Alas : To answer your questions it is yes to all the controlling behavior. This is why I say or else might not be that bad !!!!! I .just be rebaptized or else the divorce word comes up . She says she will not live with a man that is not a church member. Sometimes I think to myself " oh well". God bless. P.S. We have 3 children all are adults.

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