Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

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Tudor_Princess
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Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by Tudor_Princess » Wed Dec 26, 2018 11:21 pm

DH knows about my un believing status. However some things are still taboo. I've been drinking coffee for a while now but still haven't told him. As it's been Christmas I decided to try some alcohol....albeit ot the best to start with but it's what was here and on a whim. I tried a sip of sherry as a free sample from a supermarket (gross). I was given a bottle of prosecco from my secret Santa at work. I brought it home and my Mum drank it on Christmas day. I tried a sip when no one was looking. Also gross. I cant see alcohol featuring too much in my life if they all taste like that. However, I'm still up for trying more. I dont know whether to tell hubby or not. Some habits really die hard and for some reason I think this would be a biggie for him even though weve broken just about every other 'commandment' and he has even told me he wouldnt stay celibate if anything ever happened to me. The mindset weve been taught is messed up.

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jfro18
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by jfro18 » Thu Dec 27, 2018 6:09 am

I don't know if there's a "right way" here, but maybe I would try telling him I was trying coffee first? That way you can ease into the fact that you're trying other things because you no longer believe it's a sin, but not hammering him over the head with alcohol?

One other approach I've seen on here is sitting DH down and just telling him that because you no longer believe the church is true, you want to try some things that you couldn't try before like coffee/alcohol, but make it clear that it won't change who you are, and with alcohol you're not planning on running around getting drunk.

The church puts such a great fear into members that one sip of alcohol turns everyone into raving drunks, so when members see others take a drink they feel like the sky is falling.

Good luck -- it sounds like you're in the mixed faith predicaments that so many of us are in whether it's coffee, garments, or going out on Sundays.

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NewLight
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by NewLight » Thu Dec 27, 2018 6:49 am

I agree with jfro18 on this – you really need to not hide it from your spouse. At the same time, you will have to use some level of care divulging it. If you are done with alcohol after trying the sherry and the prosecco, I don’t know as I would even mention that at all. There are quite a few people who try alcohol and decide it is so gross they just cannot see drinking it again.

But if you really want to look into it a little more, I think it would be important to let your spouse know as gently as possible. There is no telling how people will react though, because alcohol is such an extreme taboo in Mormonism and many of the devout think it is the point “apostates” reach that totally opens the door to go sin like crazy. Too bad it is like that.

Finally, if you really want to experiment more with drinking, sherry and a dry white wine are not the best out of the starting gate. Try a sweet wine, like Bartenura Moscato (it comes in a blue bottle) or a sweet mixed drink like a mohito and maybe go pretty light on the rum. You may find out that you land like I did, drinking mainly socially on special occasions. Alcohol can be pretty expensive as well.

Good luck!!

aoirselvar
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by aoirselvar » Thu Dec 27, 2018 8:16 am

I sat my wife down and we had a frank talk. I told her that I would continue to do things that made sense and that science backed up (smoking, hard core drugs, over all health) but that coffee and tea wasn’t really that much of a problem. And alcohol in moderation and marijuana (but only if it’s legal). I also emphasized that I’m not an 18 year old going on a bing. I’m 40 and that’s just not likely to happen anyway.

We went to Cancun and I was wanting to try some and I was really surprised when my TBM was said I might as well live it up. So I tried all sorts of stuff. I do have to say, if you’re anything like me you still have a mormon palate (used to everything having sugar). So the cocktails were much better than the dry wine in my opinion.

My wife was very worried that I would become an alcoholic, and part of that is due to the fear Mormons have towards alcohol but also she knows that I have a tendency to get obsessed easily. So I try to be careful.

For the first time this week I actually went to the liquor store and got something and kept it at home, that’s a big step in my wife accepting it I think.

Anyway, I kind of made my post about me, sorry. I think having a talk with your spouse and being open and honest about your feelings is important. Also, really listening to their fears, not just dismissing them. This whole mixed belief marriage thing isn’t for the feint of heart, good luck.


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alas
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by alas » Thu Dec 27, 2018 9:02 am

I do not believe in Mormonism, but still have the same basic moral values, such as lying to your spouse is a bad idea. So, while I have no problem with the coffee or alcohol, I think hiding things from your husband is asking for more trouble than just tasting alcohol or drinking coffee. And looking at it from his perspective, drinking coffee is one sin against Mormonism, but lying about it is a betrayal of the marriage. Two “crimes” instead of just one.

So, I for sure would not keep it from him, but have a sit down discussion about now that you don’t believe the church is true, that you also no longer see the WoW as from God, but just the folk wisdom of the time, because it WAS the common folk wisdom of the time that those things were not good for children and never given to children, so how can they really be good for adults? But now we have science confirming that yes, tobacco is harmful, but that coffee in moderation is good for adults, but still you don’t want your children bouncing off the walls, so don’t give it to them. The results are still mixed about alcohol, with some studies saying wine is good in moderation, and others saying that any alcohol is harmful. But, since the studies are mixed, it s kind of up to us to use our best judgement.

For me, I drink coffee to self medicate ADD, because I don’t like the side effects of the prescription stimulants the doctor gave my daughter. My husband has seen the difference in my ADD, and will actually make me get some coffee. So, he is not only tolerant of my coffee drinking, he insists.

But I started with tea and gave him time to adjust to each step of my moving away from the church. In my experience over time on NOM, taking these things slow is better because if you move too fast, your spouse panics because they see you going off the deep end before they know you can swim. They don’t know how far you are going to go in abandoning the moral principles you were taught and don’t see that you can have moral principles without religion, so they see no end to your going down the sin road. So, that needs to be part of the discussion, that you do still have limits on what you are going to try. For instance, some spouses need assurance that you will not become alcoholic, that you won’t commit adultery, that you won’t try hard drugs, that you are still basically the same person, just not Mormon.

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Hagoth
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by Hagoth » Thu Dec 27, 2018 9:42 am

Tell him you took a sip and thought it was gross, so you're wondering why so many people like it. That keeps it from being a secret and suggests that you are still curious.
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” -Mark Twain

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Red Ryder
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by Red Ryder » Thu Dec 27, 2018 1:02 pm

What if he's been secretly drinking without telling you?
Those who do not move do not notice their chains. —Rosa Luxemburg

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RubinHighlander
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by RubinHighlander » Thu Dec 27, 2018 3:26 pm

Hagoth wrote:
Thu Dec 27, 2018 9:42 am
Tell him you took a sip and thought it was gross, so you're wondering why so many people like it. That keeps it from being a secret and suggests that you are still curious.
I like this suggestion. It's enough of a confessional to keep the honestly flowing, but giving you some room to keep tasting things.

When my DW was still TBM and I admitted to having a beer at lunch sometimes with the boys at work, she didn't like that at all and told me she didn't want to know. So I didn't talk about it anymore until she became a NOM and joined me. Looking back I don't know if that moment helped propel her in the right direction because it added to her cogdis over me having a faith crisis or it was not worth mentioning. Depends on the relationship because there are so many variables.
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Tudor_Princess
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by Tudor_Princess » Thu Dec 27, 2018 3:38 pm

Some excellent points to ponder here thank you. I agree sherry and wine are not the best to start with which is why I haven't ruled it out altogether. I will definitely try a sweeter wine next time. I think mentioning I tried a sip on a whim to him is probably the best starting point. I am dreading it but it does need to be done, I dont like secrets.
I am almost 100% sure he isn't drinking on the sly. I know him. He still hopes/believes he can get back into church but deep down I think he knows he's kidding himself. So a tiny bit at a time is probably the best starting block.

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Hagoth
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by Hagoth » Thu Dec 27, 2018 3:44 pm

Red Ryder wrote:
Thu Dec 27, 2018 1:02 pm
What if he's been secretly drinking without telling you?
How about, "hey I took a secret swig of booze, what have you been doing secretly?"
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” -Mark Twain

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Kishkumen
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by Kishkumen » Thu Dec 27, 2018 4:19 pm

Tell him.

Find a way. Minimize the collateral damage as much as possible, but tell him.

Tell him you have something to discuss and you're nervous to tell him, that you need him to be understanding and supportive. Be vulnerable, be kind, be open and honest. Expect the same from him.

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glass shelf
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by glass shelf » Thu Dec 27, 2018 11:35 pm

I think you should tell him that you want to try alcohol. Kindly, but definitely. I'd definitely start with the coffee thing, though.

It's a different situation because we both left the church, but I wanted to try alcohol and my husband didn't. He wasn't super thrilled when I told him this, and he didn't understand. I think the programming on alcoholism ran deep for him. Anyways, we had a talk about it, and I told him, "I really want to try alcohol, and I respect your choice not to do so, but I am going to. I want to understand why that upsets you so much." By the end of that conversation, he told me that 1) he wanted me to start by drinking at home when he was there and 2) he wanted me to always call him for a ride if I'd been drinking at all.

Fast forward 4 years from that conversation, and it's a non-issue at our house. He still doesn't drink, I drink sometimes, and he's happy to be the designated driver. He points out fun-looking drinks to me in restaurants to see if I might want to try them. Honestly, it's like the rest of my hobbies that aren't his thing. And that's okay. We have other things that we do like to do together.

I think it's good for our kids to have different examples of responsible alcohol use and self-chosen abstinence, too, as opposed to only having fear-based religious prohibitions.

Anyways, I think it would have been a lot harder if I hadn't just openly stated that I was going to do it, and we'd never had that initial conversation. Trust is a big thing in a marriage, and you don't want to break it over something as silly as alcohol.

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Just This Guy
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by Just This Guy » Fri Dec 28, 2018 10:41 am

I would say it is best to tell your spouse. At a minimum, that way you are able to control the message and present it in the best light and prevent any possible surprises.

Last thing you would way is someone coming up to you at random and mentioning that in front of DH and taking him totally by surprise. Preempt Murphy's Law before it can hit you.
"The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." -- Douglas Adams

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moksha
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by moksha » Fri Dec 28, 2018 3:21 pm

Current TBMs do have the mindset that drinking alcohol (which was a common and natural thing for Joseph Smith to do) is now breaking a sacred commandment from God.

How best to cope with such thinking? Have DH kidnapped and deprogrammed? Tell him the truth and hope that he does not go on some type of rampage? Load him up on Jell-O salad so he can not move fast enough to grab you?

There are so many possibilities. Some responder to this thread most likely has written something that has resonated with you.
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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Liberated Me
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by Liberated Me » Wed Jan 02, 2019 4:19 am

My experience and advice is similar to glass shelf’s words above. Be open about it. Our rule for my drinking is that it always happens among people that are supportive of our marriage. I also only have 1 drink per night and I usually only drink once a month or so. Alcohol is expensive and then I have to get up in the night and pee so I like to drink occasionally when i’m Having fun with friends instead of habitually.
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SincereInquirer
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by SincereInquirer » Wed Jan 02, 2019 11:01 pm

Yes. Tell your spouse. Be open and honest. Hiding things is much worse for your relationship in the long run.
"I don't need the Mormon church to be true, I just need it to not be verifiably false." - something I read somewhere...(help me give proper citation credit if you know where this came from)

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No Tof
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by No Tof » Thu Jan 03, 2019 12:16 pm

Being honest is still the best policy. That being said though, my DW hates it when I drink. We have had the open discussions, come to a fairly agreeable compromise but I’d say it is her line in the sand. If I cross it by drinking at our home or getting drunk with her..... it’s her hill to die on.

Best of luck. It’s a thorny path.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.
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Tudor_Princess
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by Tudor_Princess » Fri Jan 04, 2019 3:40 pm

I told him...I think he was disappointed but not surprised. His face said it all really. I said we weren't missing much....and left it at that. I think starting small is the key. I bought a bottle of red wine for a recipe a few months ago which he wasnt keen on. But these things will lay the foundations over time so if I do want to start drinking on a regular basis, it wont hit him so hard. Thanks for all the advice. My goal this weekend is to but a bottle of rose, a sweeter wine, and see how I get on with that. Who knows, on my next works do I might actually order myself an alcoholic drink from the bar 🍷👍

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DPRoberts
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by DPRoberts » Sat Jan 05, 2019 9:49 pm

I'm glad you told him, TP.

For me, alcohol is something I approach with caution. I no longer worry about skydaddy being upset with me, but there are other practical considerations that I like to keep in mind. For one, while alcohol in moderation is okay, we need to keep in mind that alcoholism can ruin relationships and personal health, so our spouses have a significant reason to be concerned. Of course, that concern is magnified out of proportion by the teachings of the church, but it is still legitimate. Also of concern may be the cost of alcoholic beverages. It can become a rather expensive hobby as I have observed with my DD and SIL.

I have tried to alleviate the first concern for DW and for myself by vowing not to drink alone. I will only drink socially. So far I can count on one hand all the times that has occurred. And I am not crazy about the taste of most things I have had a sip of. So this does not feel like my hill to die on. You may likewise decide that it is not all that important to you.
When an honest man discovers he is mistaken, he will either cease to be mistaken or cease to be honest. -anon
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wtfluff
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Re: Do I tell DH I've tried alcohol?

Post by wtfluff » Sun Jan 06, 2019 10:54 am

DPRoberts wrote:
Sat Jan 05, 2019 9:49 pm
For one, while alcohol in moderation is okay, we need to keep in mind that alcoholism can ruin relationships and personal health, so our spouses have a significant reason to be concerned. Of course, that concern is magnified out of proportion by the teachings of the church, but it is still legitimate.
OK... Since we like to spew about facts and statistics 'round here, lets spew some facts and statistics about alcohol: According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism: In the US, of adults 18 and older who drink, 6.2% end up with Alcohol Use Disorder (alcoholism?) Of the 6.2%, the male/female ratio is: 8.4% male, 4.2% female. (These are statistics from 2015.)

I haven't found any "numbered" statistics for the following, but it is also a "know fact:" The younger one begins partaking alcohol, the more likely they are to develop a problem with alcohol. So the inverse of that: Us NOM's who start drinking in our old age are very unlikely to develop a drinking problem.

Not that facts and statistics actually matter to believing family members, but what else can we share with them besides truth and facts? ;)
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus

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