Ruined relationships

[Newme]

I am divorced Newme. I waited until my children were grown. I don't have any counterpoint to compare against, saying its easier now than later. But I will tell you a few things that were part of my pathway:

1. When we announced the divorce to the children, they didn't even blink. They all said, aftward, "its about time." They weren't necessarily in favor of it, they just saw it coming for over a decade.
2. I did everything I could to financially prepare for this, but my wife refused over years to get an education, a job, and so forth. Consequently, I ended up getting hit up for some steep alimony--which I pay faithfully. But my point here is you should prepare yourself. I don't know what your financial situation is, but I can tell you that divorce is akin to financial suicide.
3. I am still happier I'm out, even after I hit 5 years. Actually, we were separated for around 3 years prior, so it feels like this is a lot longer.
4. I have moments of regret where I think: "Could I have held on a little longer? Could I have done things differently?" I take those feelings in stride, and I also take those as NORMAL feelings. When I look closely at those feeling and put them in context of where I am now, I consistently conclude that divorce was the right answer in my situation.

I'm not advocating you get divorced. What I am saying is it is a possibility. There is life after divorce. I am doing better now than I was in the marriage. I have many of the same friends, and a whole lot of new ones. I'm able to find support, help, love, compassions, and fun. I'm also completely and permanently out of the LDS church. That caused some of the problems in my marriage, and I can see no way of reconciliation.

Just some thoughts.

I’m glad you’re happier & I imagine it was easier on your kids since they were grown.

I feel like I’m growing, healing etc - but a lot more to go. There are several factors I consider - the well-being of my kids/parenting single, finances, lack of support. Also, I had a bit of a wild youth & part of me is afraid of going back to that and neglecting my kids. This life may be less authentic than I’d prefer, but it seems to keep me from going too wild. I’ve got to learn moderation.

Thanks again for your thoughts. It helps more than you guys know.

[Newme]

I can see your point of wanting to work on yourself so that you don’t just repeat and marry another narcissist or someone with equal problems. And I guess it doesn’t matter if you do it while sharing a house with your husband. I am glad you have a plan you are working on.

Thanks, Alas. Assuming you had the same username on the old Nom, I was reading an exchange I had copied, between you and SPG which has helped me. You were suggesting the need to not just look at or discuss the ugly swamp of anger - but the need to get through it to move on (so to speak). Good advise I probably never thanked you for.

[Newme]

Thanks for checking in. Hope it all works out and you find a more fulfilling and peaceful life. Hang in there.

Thank you.
I’m hanging in there. There’s a lot of good - I’m trying to focus on.

[Newme]

Another gathering. It’s painful, but I keep thinking if I process through it enough, I’ll get over it. But maybe I just need to let it all go.

I think my mom is jealous and feels threatened by me, so her mistreatments are more about her than me. Being able to see - to understand my own beliefs, feelings and goals - is actually pretty huge. I’ve got a lot to work on, but I’m an adult and can create a better life than the programming I received.

I’ve been reading Dostoevsky’s Notes of the Underground... Most people are like herd animals who don’t think much but just react to what everyone’s doing, and are kind of ignorantly blissful - but when they suffer, they don’t know why. Some people who think more, and question have to be careful not to be paralyzed with skepticism but otherwise are able to see more clearly multiple options and navigate their way better.

I watched this video, “Rethinking Infidelity...” And it reminded me of the need to have a firm base of self esteem/compassion so I don’t depend on a significant other for it. My marriage is over partly because he still denies despite evidence. This new one with him is temporary - for our kids. Some of relationships are facts - how the other treats us but much of it is internal dialogue, which I want to work on.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q