Ward Council is Closed (Minded)

This is for encouragement, ideas, and support for people going through a faith transition no matter where you hope to end up. This is also the place to laugh, cry, and love together.
Wonderment
Posts: 308
Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2017 3:38 pm

Re: Ward Council is Closed (Minded)

Post by Wonderment » Tue Jul 07, 2020 2:27 am

n other words, as long as I only say "I'm not so sure about a, b, or c", and never go into any more detail. As long as I still bless the sacrament for our family, give priesthood blessings, help every single man/woman/child who needs a blessing or is moving a piece of furniture. As long as I still pay tithing and plan to attend the temple. As long as I am still 100% TBM in every action and detail then we have a peaceful time. But any degree of conversation past that brings tears, fighting, and avoidance.

I AM willing to give her space to believe. I will even continue to go to church and support her. But I HAVE to be able to be myself as much as she needs to be herself. Right now, we can't even have that conversation. That is what I am looking forward to. I don't need her to change. I don't need her to follow me out. I will support her staying in. But I cannot stay in myself, not indefinitely.
You are willing to let her be who she is in terms of religious faith, but she is not willing to let you be who you are . So you have to live a lie instead of living an authentic life. It is like being trapped in a prison, with the spouse in control of the keys to the prison cell. This situation, where you cannot be your authentic self, because she insists on total control of your actions ( attend meetings, pay tithing, give blessings, help everyone move furniture, and so forth), and when you don't comply, you face her retribution and wrath ( Passive-agressive, tears, fighting, the silent treatment, etc.) is completely untenable.

So, one of the purposes of therapy might be to ask her to stop her highly controlling, micro-managing behavior. As you say, it's not about convincing her to believe as you do --- it's about her giving you enough space to be your authentic self. I'm very hopeful that the therapist will be able to see the anguish and pressure that you're under. It's so emotionally stressful and painful to live with a dominating "control freak", even if you really love them.
Very best wishes to you, and please keep us posted. -- Wndr.

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slavereeno
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Location: QC, AZ

Re: Ward Council is Closed (Minded)

Post by slavereeno » Wed Jul 08, 2020 12:27 pm

alas wrote:
Mon Jul 06, 2020 3:51 pm
With women this fear is a little worse because not only do they lose the man they love, they get “assigned” to somebody else. This fear of finding themselves the 33rd wife of John Doe who is a total stranger to them is horrifying.
Damn. As a male in the church, I never thought about how upsetting this would feel. Frankly that kind of doctrine is nothing short of Satanic.

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slavereeno
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Joined: Tue Sep 19, 2017 8:30 am
Location: QC, AZ

Re: Ward Council is Closed (Minded)

Post by slavereeno » Wed Jul 08, 2020 12:31 pm

With my DW, being vulnerable and talking about my insecurities, pain and anxiety about the church stuff was far more effective than actually talking about the church stuff.

I can see how this might back-fire though, if this is perceived as "loosing the spirit" then the response may cement into one of "come back and you will feel better, can't you see this is Stan trying to lead you ash-tray?"

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