"Eternal Truths" are just ideas

[Red Ryder]

Eternal principles, doctrines, and truths are nothing more than the ideas of one, echoed by a group of believers in those ideas.

Eternal everlasting truth is as follows:

1. I am the greatest man alive. Worship me or else you can't live with your family in the next life!

2. Eat red licorice only on Tuesdays.

3. Fish on Fridays.

4. All women must wear pink panties and men blue shorts. Follow the authorized pattern set for by Cindy Crawford and Mark Walburg. If you don't, consider yourself asexual and you'll never reproduce again in the afterlife. No eternal family for you.

5. Read my manifesto every day and make your home a training center to my ideas, philosophy, and eternal truths. You can find it online at Churchofthesandwich.org.

6. Love one another at all times. Be kind.

7. You must watch reruns of Gilligan's Island every first weekend of April and October. Then return and report.

8. You just have to believe these rules will bring you happiness so you can pass this test and return your sorry, weak ass, coffee loving, mortal bag of flesh and bone body I gave you and live with me, Sky Daddy Red Ryder forever!

Prove me wrong. I've prayed and know these things are true and the Holy Pink Panty Ghost of 1990''s Cindy Crawford have born witness of these eternal principles.

Now bow down and worship me! Share your testimony of me on Facebook, Instagram, and all other LDS disapproved social media platforms.

PS, the Beasty Boys are still cool!

[Just This Guy]

You forgot the most important eternal truth: Send me lots and lots of money.

I expect to see those checks rolling in soon, everyone.

[wtfluff]

7. You must watch reruns of Gilligan's Island every first weekend of April and October.

Wait... This one sounds kind of fun.

[MoPag]

I'd like to bear my testimony...

I know the Beasty Boys are still cool...

I know that Gilligan's Island reruns are the most spiritually uplifting things you can watch on the first weekends of April and October.

I say these things in Sky Daddy Red Ryder's name Amen!

[RubinHighlander]

If I skip friday fish once a month, does that mean I'm a TKsmoothie for eternity? Because honestly, after all the $hit I put up with raising kids in this life, I want nothing to do with that job in the next one, let alone, eternity!

DW and I talked about the mormon celestial heaven a couple of nights ago and really, it does not sound like a great way to spend eternity, popping out billions of spirit kids, only to stress about most of them not making it through an fd up mortality test. Seriously?

[moksha]

You forgot the most important eternal truth: Send me lots and lots of money.

Walk blessed, you are on the path of easy monthly payments.

[Newme]

Funny this is mentioned, when I hear conference talks about trivial things members are supposed to do or not do, I kind of laugh and think how it’s like monopoly or another game where each plays a part and must go by certain rules to win. And some win big - like the ones writing and reading the invented instructions (in fine print: which change as we go). But most lose - but are tricked into thinking they will someday win big - even if it’s the next life. You know how Monopoly can go on f o r e v e r?

[crazyhamster]

5. Read my manifesto every day and make your home a training center to my ideas, philosophy, and eternal truths. You can find it online at Churchofthesandwich.org.

I read this JUST as I'm eating a sandwich! I'm sure it's a sign and I'm ready to sign up!

I don't have one single pair of blue shorts though...