Regretting the mindset I had for relationships pre-mission
Posted: Tue Jul 09, 2019 2:55 pm
Here I am, 45 years old, four kids and my tolerant (to my NOMness) TBM wife. Thank God for this woman! Marriage is good, with ups and downs, but would not have it any other way! She is a wonderful, wonderful, woman and I am very blessed to be with her for 20+ years!
We have been cleaning out lately, preparing for a move and I am running across a lot of things that have brought up a lot of suppressed memories. Let me try to explain, as I am seeking support for my feelings. Note this all applies to pre-mission (mostly high school) age.
I was born to fairly TBM Utah parents OUTSIDE of UTAH in the western US. We were a typical TBM active family who had our various issues. I have one older and one younger sister. My mindset and worldview was reinforced and ingrained toward everything the church teaches (and my parents' interpretation of church teachings) from when I was a baby.
During my child and teen years, I was discouraged by my parents to NOT pursue relationships with girls. Their reasons were that the girls were "gentiles" (my dad even called my high school prom date a "gentile woman") and my main goal in life should be to pursue a mission and not be distracted by girls, even if they were members and not ever marry a gentile.
Somehow, I also took the teachings I learned in church of being cautious with girl relationships, especially "pairing off" to reinforce what my parents taught. I was an obedient boy at both church and at home. So, I followed the path of NOT pursuing relationships with girls. I only dated a handful of times and when I did, it was with Mormon girls who I knew more like as sisters and was not interested in.
There were about half a dozen girls or so that I was really interested in during middle/high school years. They were "gentiles", but beautiful in every way. As a young man, I was attracted to them, seeing their faces, their hair, their smiles, their skin, their smells and dispositions felt like a "temptation" that I should not pursue. I felt that I could only have a peripheral relationship with them and had to hold back. It was like a torment of something so beautiful yet not obtainable. So, this crazy paradigm I was in caused me to miss out on this aspect of life. I regret not pursuing any kind of meaningful relationship with them and to experience some sort of physical touch (with chastity being a goal). Thus, I never had a girlfriend in high school.
At college, (BYU) I dated a few girls but found my lovely wife and it was with her that I had my first real kiss and held hands. Fortunately, we have been compatible ever since and have been navigating a mixed faith relationship for almost a decade now. I attend church every week for her, sometimes it is painful. (My kids are one by one turning away from Mormonism and it hurts her).
So, why am I lamenting and regretting? Or, actually WHAT am I lamenting or regretting? Did I miss out on something in life? Would it have been just a bunch of drama? I guess that I am kind of frustrated and angry that I missed out and lost that part of my life and the idea is hard to put out of my mind...it is just frustrating. Something taken that I can not get back.
Would love to hear your thoughts and if anyone was in a similar situation or if you DID have a relationships (especially gentile ones) pre-mission, was it worth it?
Thank you!
We have been cleaning out lately, preparing for a move and I am running across a lot of things that have brought up a lot of suppressed memories. Let me try to explain, as I am seeking support for my feelings. Note this all applies to pre-mission (mostly high school) age.
I was born to fairly TBM Utah parents OUTSIDE of UTAH in the western US. We were a typical TBM active family who had our various issues. I have one older and one younger sister. My mindset and worldview was reinforced and ingrained toward everything the church teaches (and my parents' interpretation of church teachings) from when I was a baby.
During my child and teen years, I was discouraged by my parents to NOT pursue relationships with girls. Their reasons were that the girls were "gentiles" (my dad even called my high school prom date a "gentile woman") and my main goal in life should be to pursue a mission and not be distracted by girls, even if they were members and not ever marry a gentile.
Somehow, I also took the teachings I learned in church of being cautious with girl relationships, especially "pairing off" to reinforce what my parents taught. I was an obedient boy at both church and at home. So, I followed the path of NOT pursuing relationships with girls. I only dated a handful of times and when I did, it was with Mormon girls who I knew more like as sisters and was not interested in.
There were about half a dozen girls or so that I was really interested in during middle/high school years. They were "gentiles", but beautiful in every way. As a young man, I was attracted to them, seeing their faces, their hair, their smiles, their skin, their smells and dispositions felt like a "temptation" that I should not pursue. I felt that I could only have a peripheral relationship with them and had to hold back. It was like a torment of something so beautiful yet not obtainable. So, this crazy paradigm I was in caused me to miss out on this aspect of life. I regret not pursuing any kind of meaningful relationship with them and to experience some sort of physical touch (with chastity being a goal). Thus, I never had a girlfriend in high school.
At college, (BYU) I dated a few girls but found my lovely wife and it was with her that I had my first real kiss and held hands. Fortunately, we have been compatible ever since and have been navigating a mixed faith relationship for almost a decade now. I attend church every week for her, sometimes it is painful. (My kids are one by one turning away from Mormonism and it hurts her).
So, why am I lamenting and regretting? Or, actually WHAT am I lamenting or regretting? Did I miss out on something in life? Would it have been just a bunch of drama? I guess that I am kind of frustrated and angry that I missed out and lost that part of my life and the idea is hard to put out of my mind...it is just frustrating. Something taken that I can not get back.
Would love to hear your thoughts and if anyone was in a similar situation or if you DID have a relationships (especially gentile ones) pre-mission, was it worth it?
Thank you!