How to find a good marriage counselor

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oliblish
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How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by oliblish » Thu Jul 25, 2019 4:07 pm

I am looking for advice in finding a good marriage counselor. I would need someone in Utah County or south Salt Lake that has worked with mixed faith couples before. Does anyone know of some good counselors of have advice on how to look for one?

I think my RBM DW is ready to throw in the towel and I am getting pretty close. I am not sure I could even get her to go with me to try and work things out. We have been married for over 25 years and I just thought it would be worth it to talk to someone before giving a bunch of money to attorneys. The problems go beyond just the mixed-faith issues, but maybe we can salvage things.

Anyway, just wondering if anyone has any suggestions.
Stands next to Kolob, called by the Egyptians Oliblish, which is the next grand governing creation near to the celestial or the place where God resides; holding the key of power also, pertaining to other planets; as revealed from God to Abraham

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jfro18
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by jfro18 » Thu Jul 25, 2019 4:22 pm

Weird as this sounds you might want to message someone like John Dehlin since I think he has more experience with some of them (I wouldn't ask him to counsel you because at least with my wife John Dehlin is somewhat of a dirty word)... or ask on reddit maybe on a throwaway account?

Just try to find someone who is not LDS since that seems to be an issue that comes especially in Utah if you can -- it's not that you want an ex-mormon or anti-mormon, but you do want a level playing field and someone who won't report your secrets to the bishop.

Good luck and I hope you can get your wife to go. It's not exactly fun doing couples therapy and it seems to open up more wounds than heal them, but I am told it's a pretty long process esp when things as deep and encompassing as Mormonism are involved.

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Who Knew?
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by Who Knew? » Thu Jul 25, 2019 5:11 pm

Sent you a PM.

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oliblish
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by oliblish » Thu Jul 25, 2019 6:25 pm

Who Knew? wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 5:11 pm
Sent you a PM.
I didn't seem to receive your message. My inbox is empty. Can you please send it again?

Thanks
Stands next to Kolob, called by the Egyptians Oliblish, which is the next grand governing creation near to the celestial or the place where God resides; holding the key of power also, pertaining to other planets; as revealed from God to Abraham

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Not Buying It
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by Not Buying It » Fri Jul 26, 2019 6:47 am

Very sorry to hear it.

I wouldn’t necessarily rule out an LDS therapist - some of them are more sympathetic to mixed-faith marriages than others, there are some that are able to be more or less objective. You just have to know going in whether or not they are one of the ones who can be fair about mixed-faith marriages, and that isn’t easy to know about ahead of it.

It has been my experience that LDS Social Services therapists are anything but objective, I’d avoid them for sure.
"The truth is elegantly simple. The lie needs complex apologia. 4 simple words: Joe made it up. It answers everything with the perfect simplicity of Occam's Razor. Every convoluted excuse withers." - Some guy on Reddit called disposazelph

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Red Ryder
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by Red Ryder » Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:24 am

oliblish wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 6:25 pm
Who Knew? wrote:
Thu Jul 25, 2019 5:11 pm
Sent you a PM.
I didn't seem to receive your message. My inbox is empty. Can you please send it again?

Thanks
It might be his low post count. If I remember right, there’s a setting on the board that requires 5 posts before pm’s are allowed. Try again or post a few more times. I dunno.

Hermey had someone he recommended but they might have been in salt lake county or Davis.

I agree with NBI. Our therapist was LDS but not with LDS social/family services.
Not Buying It wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 6:47 am
Very sorry to hear it.

I wouldn’t necessarily rule out an LDS therapist - some of them are more sympathetic to mixed-faith marriages than others, there are some that are able to be more or less objective. You just have to know going in whether or not they are one of the ones who can be fair about mixed-faith marriages, and that isn’t easy to know about ahead of it.

It has been my experience that LDS Social Services therapists are anything but objective, I’d avoid them for sure.
We did 15 months of therapy going every other week/3rd week. She led us through emotional focused therapy based on Gotman’s sound relationship house. PM me if your interested in hearing our story. What worked and why. What didn’t and still doesn’t. I’m open to talking about it over the phone or pm.

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moksha
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by moksha » Fri Jul 26, 2019 5:41 pm

Not Buying It wrote:
Fri Jul 26, 2019 6:47 am
I wouldn’t necessarily rule out an LDS therapist - some of them are more sympathetic to mixed-faith marriages than others, there are some that are able to be more or less objective.
Plus a good therapist who is LDS can pick up on LDS ideas that are being twisted into creating marital strife. Mormons can get wacky ideas and sometimes it takes a Mormon to call another Mormon on their wackiness.
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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oliblish
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by oliblish » Mon Jul 29, 2019 8:41 am

Thanks to everyone for their input. I have a couple of counselors to consider and might be contacting them soon.

By the way, I have tried to PM a couple of people about their responses, but for some reason the PMs just seem to sit in the outbox and don't appear to be sent. Maybe I am doing something wrong. What do I need to do to get PMs to send?
Stands next to Kolob, called by the Egyptians Oliblish, which is the next grand governing creation near to the celestial or the place where God resides; holding the key of power also, pertaining to other planets; as revealed from God to Abraham

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wtfluff
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by wtfluff » Mon Jul 29, 2019 8:56 am

oliblish wrote:
Mon Jul 29, 2019 8:41 am
Thanks to everyone for their input. I have a couple of counselors to consider and might be contacting them soon.

By the way, I have tried to PM a couple of people about their responses, but for some reason the PMs just seem to sit in the outbox and don't appear to be sent. Maybe I am doing something wrong. What do I need to do to get PMs to send?
PM's "sit in the outbox" until the recipient reads them.
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus

Keep the company of those who seek the truth - run from those who have found it -Václav Havel

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oliblish
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by oliblish » Mon Jul 29, 2019 10:47 am

wtfluff wrote:
Mon Jul 29, 2019 8:56 am
PM's "sit in the outbox" until the recipient reads them.
Thanks. Good to know.
Stands next to Kolob, called by the Egyptians Oliblish, which is the next grand governing creation near to the celestial or the place where God resides; holding the key of power also, pertaining to other planets; as revealed from God to Abraham

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Linked
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by Linked » Mon Jul 29, 2019 11:36 am

DW and I visited Veon Smith in South Jordan a few times. I thought he was a good counselor, but DW didn't like it. Maybe someday...
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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oliblish
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by oliblish » Tue Oct 13, 2020 6:53 pm

Well, my wife finally told me she wants to get a divorce today. I guess it is probably for the best. I don't think it has much to do with the church, but that may have been what pushed things over the tipping point. Things have been dead in our marriage for a long time. I agree that there is not much to try to salvage at this point. At least I think we will be able to be civil about it and we both agree we don't want lawyers to take all of our assets.

Any veterans of divorce have any good advice?
Stands next to Kolob, called by the Egyptians Oliblish, which is the next grand governing creation near to the celestial or the place where God resides; holding the key of power also, pertaining to other planets; as revealed from God to Abraham

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Not Buying It
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by Not Buying It » Wed Oct 14, 2020 5:48 am

oliblish wrote:
Tue Oct 13, 2020 6:53 pm
Well, my wife finally told me she wants to get a divorce today. I guess it is probably for the best. I don't think it has much to do with the church, but that may have been what pushed things over the tipping point. Things have been dead in our marriage for a long time. I agree that there is not much to try to salvage at this point. At least I think we will be able to be civil about it and we both agree we don't want lawyers to take all of our assets.

Any veterans of divorce have any good advice?
I an very sorry to hear it, but sometimes it is for the best. There are few better examples of the sunk cost fallacy than sticking with a marriage that isn't working.
"The truth is elegantly simple. The lie needs complex apologia. 4 simple words: Joe made it up. It answers everything with the perfect simplicity of Occam's Razor. Every convoluted excuse withers." - Some guy on Reddit called disposazelph

stuck
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by stuck » Wed Oct 14, 2020 12:13 pm

Sorry to hear Oliblish. Hope it goes well. Don't have any experience myself except for trying to stay happily married to a tbm.

Wonderment
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by Wonderment » Wed Oct 14, 2020 8:06 pm

Oliblish, I am sorry to hear this, as it can be a stressful time. I see that this original thread is from 2019. I don't know what happened in the past year, but if your wife did not want to attend counseling, I think it is very helpful to attend by yourself. If one counselor doesn't work for you, then try another. I have found that counselors can be very useful in giving objective feedback and support in stress reduction.
Best wishes to you, and please let us know how you're doing. -- Wndr.

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Linked
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by Linked » Thu Oct 15, 2020 3:39 pm

I'm sorry things didn't turn around for you and your wife Oliblish.

I don't have any first hand experience with divorce, but a friend of mine lawyered up for his divorce. His ex made him have to with the way she handled things. He made sure to start communicating via email about stuff so there was a record of what was said, and eventually only communicating through their lawyers for a while. You and your wife may be able to navigate without the lawyers (I hope so, cause that is expensive), but if it comes to needing one because things are getting messy I suggest it may be worth it.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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Deepthinker
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by Deepthinker » Thu Oct 15, 2020 3:45 pm

oliblish wrote:
Tue Oct 13, 2020 6:53 pm
Well, my wife finally told me she wants to get a divorce today. I guess it is probably for the best. I don't think it has much to do with the church, but that may have been what pushed things over the tipping point. Things have been dead in our marriage for a long time. I agree that there is not much to try to salvage at this point. At least I think we will be able to be civil about it and we both agree we don't want lawyers to take all of our assets.

Any veterans of divorce have any good advice?
Not a veteran, but it looks like I'm getting close to divorce too. You're not alone in this. It's good that it sounds like an uncontested divorce is a possibility. I've talked with a few divorce lawyers, but I'm not one, so take what I say with that in mind. I would start deciding how things will go with kids, if you have kids, and then look at how best to divide assets. Do what you can to figure things out on how to do an uncontested divorce. Some attorneys should give you a fixed price to file everything and give walk you through things. If you're in Utah, there is a child support calculator online if you need to pay child support.

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Red Ryder
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by Red Ryder » Thu Oct 15, 2020 4:28 pm

Deepthinker wrote:
Thu Oct 15, 2020 3:45 pm
oliblish wrote:
Tue Oct 13, 2020 6:53 pm
Well, my wife finally told me she wants to get a divorce today. I guess it is probably for the best. I don't think it has much to do with the church, but that may have been what pushed things over the tipping point. Things have been dead in our marriage for a long time. I agree that there is not much to try to salvage at this point. At least I think we will be able to be civil about it and we both agree we don't want lawyers to take all of our assets.

Any veterans of divorce have any good advice?
Not a veteran, but it looks like I'm getting close to divorce too. You're not alone in this. It's good that it sounds like an uncontested divorce is a possibility. I've talked with a few divorce lawyers, but I'm not one, so take what I say with that in mind. I would start deciding how things will go with kids, if you have kids, and then look at how best to divide assets. Do what you can to figure things out on how to do an uncontested divorce. Some attorneys should give you a fixed price to file everything and give walk you through things. If you're in Utah, there is a child support calculator online if you need to pay child support.
Great advice. If you can determine those early on it makes the process easier.

Edited to add: Oliblish and Deep, check your PM’s.
Those who do not move do not notice their chains. —Rosa Luxemburg

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Deepthinker
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by Deepthinker » Fri Oct 16, 2020 7:58 am

Thanks RR!

I'll add a bit more on the financial preparations that I thought about. Start separating your banking accounts and credit cards now. Get separate checking and savings, close joint accounts.

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oliblish
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Re: How to find a good marriage counselor

Post by oliblish » Wed Oct 21, 2020 3:43 pm

Deepthinker wrote:
Thu Oct 15, 2020 3:45 pm
oliblish wrote:
Tue Oct 13, 2020 6:53 pm
Well, my wife finally told me she wants to get a divorce today. I guess it is probably for the best. I don't think it has much to do with the church, but that may have been what pushed things over the tipping point. Things have been dead in our marriage for a long time. I agree that there is not much to try to salvage at this point. At least I think we will be able to be civil about it and we both agree we don't want lawyers to take all of our assets.

Any veterans of divorce have any good advice?
Not a veteran, but it looks like I'm getting close to divorce too. You're not alone in this. It's good that it sounds like an uncontested divorce is a possibility. I've talked with a few divorce lawyers, but I'm not one, so take what I say with that in mind. I would start deciding how things will go with kids, if you have kids, and then look at how best to divide assets. Do what you can to figure things out on how to do an uncontested divorce. Some attorneys should give you a fixed price to file everything and give walk you through things. If you're in Utah, there is a child support calculator online if you need to pay child support.
I replied to this post several days ago but I guess something went wrong and it disappeared...

There shouldn't be any child support or alimony. We both work and have similar incomes. Our children are all adults, just our youngest lives at home due to some learning disabilities (that will likely add some complexity). I will look into what it takes to do an uncontested divorce.

It is kind of discouraging to see what I can buy with the funds from my half of our house. Just a 3BR townhome here in the south Salt Lake/North Utah County area goes for around 350K+ lately. The places I have looked at are all crammed into a very small space and are teaming with young TBM families with little kids. I don't know that I will fit in very well in such a place as a divorced apostate in my 50s. I don't want to go much further north because I would like to be close to my kids and my work. I will probably end up renting for a while. Maybe I can rent the basement in my own house :lol: .

Our family and friends will be completely shocked when they find out about this. We have been faking a good marriage for years. When I was young my parents had a bad marriage, but when the home teachers came over we would act like everything was great. I kind of assumed that most marriages were that way. My parents did end up getting divorced when I was on my mission.

I have not been open about my disbelief with family and friends except my wife and my children. That will probably add to the shock. I will likely be seen as the bad guy in the divorce because of my disbelief.

I am sure there will be good to come from all of this. But right now I am not seeing it yet.
Stands next to Kolob, called by the Egyptians Oliblish, which is the next grand governing creation near to the celestial or the place where God resides; holding the key of power also, pertaining to other planets; as revealed from God to Abraham

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