How to skip Priesthood mtg?

[stuck]

Hey everyone,

My ward (elder's quorum) is very tbm and I don't feel comfortable there because being tbm as they are they are not open to alternative viewpoints other than tbm ones. In any event, my wife is still quite tbm even though she knows why I think and don't believe like I used to. But, it seems a bit scary for me to break it to her that I no longer want to attend elder's quorum. Does anyone have experience with this and if so how did you do it and what was the result?

Thanks!

[Hagoth]

You could always tell her that it is a narrow-minded echo chamber that makes you frustrated to the point that the stress making you anxious and sick, so you need to take a break from it for a while. You don't have to fess up to a faith crisis to hate Priesthood Meeting. It is very hate-able all on its own.

I used to get headaches. I don't mean that I faked them, I mean I really got them. It wasn't until I voluntarily stopped going that I realized they were stress headaches from cognitive dissonance. The reason I finally quit going is for the first reason I listed.

Mrs. Hagoth has some friends who are loyal TBMs in every other aspect but they can't force themselves to go to Relief Society because of the stress, shame, and anxiety it causes them. Am I being sexist here or is there some reason women seem to be able to get away with that easier than men? I know these friends' husbands would be seriously shamed for the opposite behavior; if they didn't go. They just expect you to man-up and honor your priesthood duty.

[Wonderment]

Hey everyone,

My ward (elder's quorum) is very tbm and I don't feel comfortable there because being tbm as they are they are not open to alternative viewpoints other than tbm ones. In any event, my wife is still quite tbm even though she knows why I think and don't believe like I used to. But, it seems a bit scary for me to break it to her that I no longer want to attend elder's quorum. Does anyone have experience with this and if so how did you do it and what was the result?

Thanks!

If your wife knows that you don't believe like you used too, then some of the hard work is already completed, in terms of explaining your feelings to her. For example, ( just as a suggestion), you could remind her of the previous discussions about your beliefs, and you could mention that since the EQ only allows very tbm viewpoints, you'd like to skip it for awhile. Hopefully, this will make sense to her, because it relates back to previous discussions.

The good news is that you don't have to drop a huge bombshell on her all at once, because she already knows that you don't believe like you used to. Since you don't have to drop the big bombshell, then the fall-out is much less.

This is a good example of taking things slowly and going step-by-step. One conversation builds on the next conversation, so you can break the news very gently. In general, this approach has been shown to have very good results. Best wishes, and please keep us updated. -- Wndr.

[Linked]

Hey everyone,

My ward (elder's quorum) is very tbm and I don't feel comfortable there because being tbm as they are they are not open to alternative viewpoints other than tbm ones. In any event, my wife is still quite tbm even though she knows why I think and don't believe like I used to. But, it seems a bit scary for me to break it to her that I no longer want to attend elder's quorum. Does anyone have experience with this and if so how did you do it and what was the result?

Thanks!

Like Wonderment said, you've already done the hard part in talking to her about your beliefs. She probably won't be very surprised to hear that you aren't going to attend priesthood anymore because she knows what you think. The hardest part now will be bringing up something you know she dreads; there's not really a natural time in a TBM life to say you are done going to a church meeting . Maybe you could do it as you get ready for church, or on the drive/walk, or whisper it to her in sacrament meeting.

The first time I didn't go was a spur of the moment thing where I just couldn't bear to go in there. DW didn't seem too concerned about it. Now I haven't been to priesthood meeting in a long time and my DW doesn't seem to care; she almost encourages me to go home now.

I hope it goes smoothly for you and your DW.

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

For some of these things you just have to say eff it and just stop going. No permission required. Make a new normal for yourself.

[nibbler]

You don't have to fess up to a faith crisis to hate Priesthood Meeting. It is very hate-able all on its own.

This. It's pretty common for the person giving the lesson in PH to resort to having people take turns reading a conference talk one paragraph at a time, then pausing long enough to ask someone to rephrase the paragraph in their own words. It's super, super boring and even orthodox believing members understand why someone chooses to be out in the hallway.

[wtfluff]

Does anyone have experience with this and if so how did you do it and what was the result?

Back in the old days, during 3-hour church, I was teaching young-uns Sunday School, and many Sundays, after an hour wrangling 12 and 13 year old's I was in no mood to go to elders quorum. The last time I went must have been a decent day in Sunday School, because I actually "felt" like going to priesthood. Well, as luck would have it I showed up on the day of heaping on shame and guilt about home teaching. After gritting my teeth for that hour, as I left, I thought to myself: "Why did I do that? What a complete waste. I'm never doing that again." And that was it. I never set foot in another elders quorum meeting. There was never any discussion with the wife about it, I was just done...

So maybe you should just say something like: Hey hunny, priesthood SUCKS, and see where that leads?

[Mormorrisey]

Maybe just start to "skip" by degrees, given your family situation. Start by going for about half the class, then get up like you have to go to the bathroom, and then just don't go back. And then you can start attending the hall class - every ward has one, those people who would rather talk in the halls than go to class. Then, when it becomes part of the pattern, you'll find yourself not going in no time!

All joking aside, once I started realizing I go when I WANT to go, not when somebody is telling me I HAVE to go, I go to EQ a little less than half the time in my ward. I actually like to go to remind myself how crazy these people are, and the entertainment value alone of listening to nonsense is worth the nearly 50% of the time I actually manage to sit there. And, when I've had enough, I do one of two things. I just play on my phone, reading old posts I've made on NOM, or, if it's particularly egregious, I just walk out. Once you've set the terms, what can they do? The church's rather low standard for activity is once a month attendance, so that's what I do.

Even my ultra-TBM spouse no longer gives me grief over this, because when I go I just laugh at the nonsense (stuff that she supports, unfortunately) and so she kind of grits her teeth and listens. I actually think deep down she likes it when I don't go, because I don't laugh at stupid church members. So my process of fading out is still happening, and it's been a six/seven year process. So if you're up for the long game, the slow fade rocks!

Good luck.

[RubinHighlander]

You don't have to fess up to a faith crisis to hate Priesthood Meeting. It is very hate-able all on its own.

This. It's pretty common for the person giving the lesson in PH to resort to having people take turns reading a conference talk one paragraph at a time, then pausing long enough to ask someone to rephrase the paragraph in their own words. It's super, super boring and even orthodox believing members understand why someone chooses to be out in the hallway.

Yes, let's be honest; even as a TBM there were very few PH meetings that I ever enjoyed, very few! The very few who do enjoy it are those that are zealot militants in the faith. At least in HP the quorum was bigger so you could hide in the back and there were some interesting and entertaining (sometimes infuriating) comments from some of those old bigoted curmudgeons. Made it easier to surf the web and pass the time, or just skip out all together. You don't need any excuses, just hop back in the car and head over to Starbucks; bring some joy back into your Sabbath.

[Hagoth]

What's the worst that would happen if you just stopped going?

When I did this my wife asked why I wasn't going and I said, "Because I hate it." And that was the end of that. She encouraged me to go a few times. "I heard Brother X is teaching the lesson today and you've always enjoyed him..." Sometimes I was curious but I decided to just leave that door closed and I never went back. A couple of times I related to her some incidents of the ridiculous degree of spiritual one-upsmanship and rameumptumism that dominates our ward's Priesthood meetings and told her I just don't need that. She had to agree that she would have a hard time with it too.

[Random]

I don't think I would ever have noticed if my husband was going or not. Been married twice, as a tbm, and neither husband was prone to tell me what was going on in their classes (too boring, I guess?), and I didn't care enough to ask. If they had spent 100% of their time in hall priesthood, I would never have noticed.

[stuck]

Thanks everyone for your responses!

I especially liked five finger's response Anywho, my wife does care if I attend or not and often asks me questions about it unfortunately. This last Sunday I hated it because the teacher wanted us to turn to our neighbor and discuss our spiritual experiences or something. Luckily, my neighbor turned to the other neighbor to discuss. Anyhow, I felt like a fish out of water at that moment and really wish I wasn't there. A lot of times I can sit in the back and not participate but sometimes like this last week, it makes things awkward. Perhaps I should just stop going and when she asks explain that I just no longer feel comfortable there because they are not open to other viewpoints and so by being there I can't participate authentically like what happened on this past sunday.

Thanks again and wish me luck! I'll keep y'all posted.

[SincereInquirer]

I am late to the discussion, but my method of skipping priesthood meeting used many of the methods and suggestions here. They all can work.

The one that worked best for me for when I was in the situation like it sounds like you are in now (spouse cares a lot that you attend), is to get on the primary substitute teacher roll. If your ward is anything like mine is currently (at least how I understand it to be from DW since I don't attend at all anymore unless there is a special occasion), then there should be an opportunity almost every week. I much preferred sitting in nursery or sunbeams drawing pictures with kids than listening to the drivel from the last conference talks. If you can handle that, then it is a good way to not deal with PH meetings.

With that said, the piece of advice I would give you is to find happiness for where you are at as soon as possible, but to be open and honest with your spouse about it while doing so. I tried to "make it work" by putting on a show and attending church meetings for way too long, and I didn't loop my spouse in to how unhappy I was (though she could definitely see it in my actions at church and it upset her). It did a serious number on my happiness, and created a big burden on my marriage. DW knew I wasn't happy, and I was showing it outwardly but not admitting to how I really felt.

I went about my faith transition vis a vis my DW all wrong and am really a textbook case of how NOT to go about it with your spouse. I am not sure where you feel like you stand, but do take things slow with your spouse (if possible) while moving deliberately to get yourself to a place of happiness as soon as possible. Most important (which I know now) is to be open and honest about it all with your spouse. Don't do things (or not do things) behind their back because of fear. It may make your spouse upset, and you may be fearful of the response or potential repercussion, but it will be way better to be open and honest about things you are feeling and want to do (or not do) before the step is taken. If you take the step and disclose later (or even worse, are caught in the act) it makes our spouses feel betrayed, which really is like an atom bomb to your relationship. I dropped a lot of atom bombs on my relationship, and I am still working to repair them.

Best of luck and let us know how things go.

[hmb]

You could always tell her that it is a narrow-minded echo chamber that makes you frustrated to the point that the stress making you anxious and sick, so you need to take a break from it for a while. You don't have to fess up to a faith crisis to hate Priesthood Meeting. It is very hate-able all on its own.

On top of the sickness from the narrow-minded echo chamber, did you get the guilts? Before I was a nonbeliever, I would skip SS and RS. My family and myself was less than perfect (way less) and I would sit in the car and read a novel. It made me feel guilty, but not as bad as attending meetings with other moms of perfect families. I'm curious if the guys feel guilt at not being superman PH dude, or just sick from the narrow minds and boredom?

[2bizE]

I find it no long hard just to not go to a priesthood meeting.

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

You could always tell her that it is a narrow-minded echo chamber that makes you frustrated to the point that the stress making you anxious and sick, so you need to take a break from it for a while. You don't have to fess up to a faith crisis to hate Priesthood Meeting. It is very hate-able all on its own.

On top of the sickness from the narrow-minded echo chamber, did you get the guilts? Before I was a nonbeliever, I would skip SS and RS. My family and myself was less than perfect (way less) and I would sit in the car and read a novel. It made me feel guilty, but not as bad as attending meetings with other moms of perfect families. I'm curious if the guys feel guilt at not being superman PH dude, or just sick from the narrow minds and boredom?

It's more like sitting in a meeting of zombies listening to monotone readings, anecdotal and routine personal stories made into miracles, goebbels level propaganda, and the occasional attempts at guilt trips over home teaching.

[Hagoth]

...did you get the guilts? Before I was a nonbeliever, I would skip SS and RS. My family and myself was less than perfect (way less) and I would sit in the car and read a novel. It made me feel guilty, but not as bad as attending meetings with other moms of perfect families. I'm curious if the guys feel guilt at not being superman PH dude, or just sick from the narrow minds and boredom?

Oh yeah. We were made extremely aware of the difference between those who magnify their priesthood and those who don't. Those who could instantly turn any situation into a gospel teaching moment for their families. Those who were leading by example. Those who were squeaky-clean-worthy to give a blessing on the spot to someone who would probably die if the priesthood bearer wasn't sufficiently worthy, etc. etc. The guilt/pressure could be crushing. You have to remember that the underlying message was that we with our priesthood power were capable of doing things that were orders of magnitude more important that the things done by mere women and non-priesthood men, and that required orders of magnitude greater devotion and spiritual effort.

When I couldn't force myself to go to Priesthood meeting I would either go home and take advil or I would try to find an empty classroom to read the Ensign, which I figured would give me a more coherent message than just hearing another session about porn or listening to people brag about how much more they read the scriptures than the rest of us.

I know I've mentioned these before, but a few of things that stand out are the guy who claimed to have read the Book of Mormon 839 times (at last count), the guy who decided to stop cooking Sunday dinner for his family because he realized - to his horror -that he liked it and had been enjoying himself on the sabbath, and the guy who, having barely dropped anchor on a fishing trip, felt prompted to immediately headed back to shore so he could rush home and read his scriptures because God would be more approving of that.

[blazerb]

There must be 50 ways to skip PM.

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much . . .

[Brent]

Her belief system is based on feelings right. My Pop always said, "you can't tell someone they FEEL wrong."

I would suggest you let her know you're uncomfortable at Priesthood Meeting and would like to spend the time with someone who makes you feel better...like her and the kids.

[Just This Guy]

Can use you the excuse that you got an important phone call from whar that you just have to take right them work for you? Depending on you career, this may or may not work.