Missionary social training 101

[ulmite]

Missionaries, even more so after the age drop, can be quite pushy, unreliable, or outright rude (unintentionally). For example, strictly adhering to random mission rules which can be socially offensive, canceling dinner with members to give a discussion to some person on welfare they met the day before,...
I'm bringing this up because I'm the ward choir director and :
-an extra practice 20 min before the ward party was hijacked by all the missionaries, elders AND sisters, who showed up for 2 min and then left to go greet [random investigators] showing up early. Since they make up over half the choir (big city ward so 4 sisters and 4 brothers), we couldn't practice at all, wasting me and other member's time.
-last Sunday one pair of elders (most of my bass section) scheduled appointments immediately after choir practice, so they had to skip practice to eat lunch.
They obviously don't realize that working with the members is only possible if they don't behave like jerks (and they don't realize that singing in the choir is the highest form of service in the church).
All this venting to propose (to all you GAs reading this) that the MTC give missionaries-in-training basic social skills, so the members don't become as annoyed as most non-members by them. Do you have other examples? While we wait for social training 101 to become a chapter of Preach my Gospel, what can we (those of us on this board who still have some contact with the missionaries in our wards) do about it? I already tried to scold them on Sunday, and candidly explain why it was not OK to do that, but it's hard for me because I'm about their age, haven't had much practice scolding people, and they used the "missionary work comes first" trump card.

[MalcolmVillager]

There are some socially backwards missionaries foe sure. They are in La-La land for sure.

[w2mz]

A few years ago we accepted the assignment to have the elders come to dinner. My TBM DW made a yummy chicken dinner and a delicious dessert made from home grown raspberries. Anyway, one of the elders was quite socially inept. While he was snarffing down his dessert he kept saying how his mom made a similar dessert with raspberries but that hers was SO MUCH BETTER. His poor companion just stared at his plate with embarrassment. My DW was actually a bit offended. Obviously this kid either had a real problem or he was just very backward.

I agree, the missionaries should be given some training on manners and social norms.

[Culper Jr.]

Oh yeah, my DW could go on for hours on this... although she is TBM, she loathes the missionaries. Besides being rude and pushy, they always show up at meal time unannounced, to "get to know us better" or to "share a special message with us". That sends her through the roof; it is kind of funny to see the confused looks on their faces when my completely active TBM wife that they see at church every Sunday angrily sends them on their way. It's like "hey, you're supposed to like us, what's going on here?!?" and I'm the one trying to calm her down. A couple of weeks ago, right at dinner time when DW is putting the food on the table she notices something through the window and suddenly storms off to the front door, throws it open and yells, "What to you want?!?!" I walk up there to see what is going on and four missionaries are piling out of their car at our house with shocked looks on their faces. I sort of wedge myself in there and say with a smile, "hey, sorry guys, this is really not a good time." As they turn around to get back in their car, DW yells out, "and NO we don't have any referrals, and don't bother our neighbors!" Then to me: "Unbelievable, they expect me to feed FOUR extra missionaries at a moments notice!!" Wow, and I'm the one with the belief issues!

Our mission president's wife handled manners/social training at zone meetings. She even made handouts on table manners, how to politely handle social situations and did a training segment every month. We also had an interview with her every few months right before we had our mission president's interview about scripture study, making sure our health was okay, and questions about social/manners stuff. I found it very helpful. I have known of some other missions where the MP's wife took an active role in this sort of thing, but it seems to be the exception rather than the norm. I get the feeling it is more where the MP's wife takes the initiative versus it being an official thing, or perhaps some are just more effective at it than others.

[glass shelf]

Oh missionaries. On one level, I feel bad for them because I know they're just young adults without much life experience who believe they're on the Lord's errand, but that sense of superiority does some really dumb things to them.

1) One day, I'm mowing my backyard. I see the missionaries casing my neighborhood, but I figure no big deal. I'm mowing. They can keep walking. Instead, I realize they must have stopped at my house. My kids are sitting inside doing their homework at the kitchen table. We have a huge window, so I can see through the kitchen to the front door. I notice the door start to open. I run around to the front.

Me: Guys, we're kind of busy right now.
Them: Well, we could tell people were home, so we wanted to say hi.
Me: I'm mowing the yard. Chat with you later.
Them: Well, we can help.
Me: I'm almost done, and I don't need any help. See you Sunday.
Them (follow me to backyard): Do you know anyone we can help?

It took me five more minutes to get rid of them. It was 90 degrees, and I'd been mowing for almost an hour. All I wanted was to finish the stupid yard and take a shower.

2) Eventually, I stopped volunteering to feed the missionaries because for many times in a row, my hungry kids would be sitting at the table. Food ready. We'd wait, and then they'd call 15-30 minutes later with an excuse, but they were on their way! That got really old. I finally stopped making the kids wait. The very last time, I had signed up to have the sisters over. They cancelled on me for Tuesday, but said they didn't have a Wednesday appt. I told them that Weds. were a crazy day for me between afterschool and church activities. They persisted, and I caved because I feel bad for people who don't have enough food. I told them they 1) had to be on time and 2) it would be really simple food. They show up 20 minutes late and complain the entire time about the fact that we only had one kind of homemade dressing to go with the salad that I'd made. I had to push them out the door so we could be on time to the church activity that I was in charge of. After that, I decided I needed to take a break. My shelf crashed not too long after, so it ended up being a pretty permanent break.

3) After I resigned, the missionaries showed up our house one Friday night. i was irritated, but I figured they might have tracted into us. I told them we weren't interested and started to close the door. They call out, "Isn't this the Shelf house?" Me: Yeah, but we resigned last year. Them: We heard. We just wanted to talk to you. Me: Get off my property, and take me off any potential contact list. I'm no longer a member. (Door closes.)

That was probably the one that riled me the most. It's hard to maintain civil relationships with friends in the ward when the missionaries do this kind of thing and then go back to ward council to share this stuff with your friends.

So many more stories, but I think these illustrate some of the main issues with missionaries: no boundaries, no realization of the importance of other people's time, and a general lack of gratitude.

[glass shelf]

Just thought of another one. So many missionaries are so clueless about life. Because of where I've lived, we usually get ones from small towns in UT and ID which adds to the awkwardness.

I'm at a friend's house for dinner. Missionaries were there, too. Friend's husband is a high-ranking military guy. Dinner goes okay, then the missionaries start mining for prospects before dessert.

Me: Well, everyone I know is people from the ward since we just moved to this base.

Friend: Ditto. (We knew each other before we moved there. The LDS/military world is a small one.)

Missionary: There's got to be someone. Friend's husband, don't you work with people?

Friend's husband: I work with a lot of people. It wouldn't be appropriate for me to proselytize at work. If anyone asks me about the church, I'll be sure to let them know how they could contact you if they're interested in doing so.

Missionary: But you can surely say something at a meeting? Maybe make a spiritual message?

Friend's husband: We have chaplains who do that kind of thing, but as the squadron leader, I'm not able to make those kinds of statements. It would be very unprofessional and bad for morale.

Missionary: Don't you want to help us?

Friend's husband: I've explained this. My workplace is not a place to share my personal religious beliefs in that way.

Missionary: But... (this goes on for a few more minutes)

Friend's husband: Don't you have another meeting you need to go to?

And that's how the missioanaries didn't get to stay for dessert.

[Dravin]

Some things the missionaries do are a result of social deafness resulting from a lack of social and life experience. The other part of the picture is it arises from their training, they're constantly pounded with a messages that tend to either reinforce or create bad manners, messages such as:

• They're endowed with power and authority to do their missionary work.
• They're on the Lord's errand/There is nothing more important than what they are doing.
• Baptisms, contacting, lessons, these things are important as they are reported. Serving members (and others) are important only inasmuch as they lead to these things. A lack of these things to report is your fault.
• Every member is a missionary and has duty to assist the missionaries in their work. They should always be happy to jump as high and as far as missionaries need in fulfilling this obligation.
• If they don't take an opportunity to teach/drunk then they're showing the Lord they aren't a worthy servant and if they reason an opportunity is a long shot they're just showing they don't have sufficient faith.

It's a perfect recipe combined with callow youth for a lot of the annoying behavior of missionaries and one of the insidious things about it is that regardless of what Preach My Gospel may say, it's the messages constantly sent and reinforced by the culture that get incorporated into daily decision making. It was amusing looking back on it how whenever I'd correct leadership over using baptisms as a metric for success, usually be referencing or quoting the definition from Preach My Gospel, how annoyed they'd get. I wasn't wrong, they couldn't say I (and Preach My Gospel) was wrong but you could tell I was frustrating them because for them there was only one definition of success and it wasn't the one from Preach My Gospel. They'd thank me then go right back to using success = baptisms.

Some things though, like the issue with the dessert leave me wondering what on Earth was going through the missionaries head.

[document]

What I find fascinating is that the membership looks on these boys and girls as if they are somehow more knowledgeable in the church than they are. I just don't get it. I never understood as a believer, either.

These are 18 - 21 year old boys and girls, fresh in the world with eyes wide and a lacking knowledge of the world and the gospel. Yet, they are treated as if they are priests with masters in divinity. Heck, they are treated with more veneration than most priests are.

[Dravin]

What I find fascinating is that the membership looks on these boys and girls as if they are somehow more knowledgeable in the church than they are. I just don't get it. I never understood as a believer, either.

These are 18 - 21 year old boys and girls, fresh in the world with eyes wide and a lacking knowledge of the world and the gospel. Yet, they are treated as if they are priests with masters in divinity. Heck, they are treated with more veneration than most priests are.

At it's root that idea comes from combining D&C 100:5-6 with the idea that whom the Lord calls he qualifies. Missionaries may be as a general rule callow youth, but since God has called them he's going to give them special direction and help in fulfilling that calling. So it's not so much that they're thought to be better studied but that they've got god back-seating what they do and say (until they do something embarrassing, then they're just youth away from home and we can't expect too much from them).

[Korihor]

And that's how the missioanaries didn't get to stay for dessert.

I'm laughing hard right now. I've never had some that were this bad before.

[glass shelf]

And that's how the missioanaries didn't get to stay for dessert.

I'm laughing hard right now. I've never had some that were this bad before.

Dang typos.

Yeah, they were probably the most horribly persistent missionaries that I've ever witnessed, and I was really glad that I was just dealing with my little kids while my friend's husband was having that conversation. My friend and I were trying hard not to crack up because her husband was getting in pure squadron leader form by the end of that exchange, but I think the missionaries were too socially unaware to realize how angry he was because he was in strict, miltary mode rather than yelling mode, kwim?

There are so few people who it's appropriate to refer to the missionaries, that I wonder if they ever get anything good from those harrassing questions. Almost every TBM that I know hates being put on the spot like that.

[Korihor]

I know what you mean. Getting back from my mission I thought I was going to be the best Member MIssionary ever. Reality sets in pretty quickly.

As noted in my other post about feeding the sister missionaries, they did give a little schpeal about inviting someone to the ward Xmas party later that week. I tried to politely say we didn't have anyone in mind, but they pushed a little. I just said "We'll keep an eye out" and excused myself to the kitchen.

Next time the Mishie's come over and press us for referrals or invite a friend, I'm gonna lay down the law of the real world.

[Advocate]

I feel bad for the missionaries. Everyone knows that members don't have referrals to give and members hate being put on the spot, but church leaders keep pushing member referrals. So the missionaries listen to the leaders and keep begging for referrals, putting everyone except the church leader in an awkward situation.

For the church leader, it's a win-win. The missionaries have something to do (ask for referrals) and it leads to guilty feelings (members for not being good missionaries and missionaries for not being successful) which gives the church more control.

I'm sure church leaders realize how ineffective at gaining converts our missionary program is, but they can't come up with anything better to replace it with. If only there was someone in the church who could get clear direction from God.

[Enoch Witty]

Maybe members would have referrals to offer if church leadership didn't constantly resort to us-versus-them, the-outside-world-is-scary-and-bad, we-are-at-WAR rhetoric. Just a thought?

[glass shelf]

Maybe members would have referrals to offer if church leadership didn't constantly resort to us-versus-them, the-outside-world-is-scary-and-bad, we-are-at-WAR rhetoric. Just a thought?

I don't really think that's the problem here. I think social rules tell us that it's not nice to sell your friend's information to a corporation selling a magazine let alone a religion. I hate when people add me to FB groups for the random MLM they're shilling for. I think it'd be hard for lots of relationships to survive one member siccing a religion on the other. It's just not something that's really acceptable in modern culture.

[Enoch Witty]

Maybe members would have referrals to offer if church leadership didn't constantly resort to us-versus-them, the-outside-world-is-scary-and-bad, we-are-at-WAR rhetoric. Just a thought?

I don't really think that's the problem here. I think social rules tell us that it's not nice to sell your friend's information to a corporation selling a magazine let alone a religion. I hate when people add me to FB groups for the random MLM they're shilling for. I think it'd be hard for lots of relationships to survive one member siccing a religion on the other. It's just not something that's really acceptable in modern culture.

Oh, I totally agree with you. But I also remember thinking, "What referrals would I have for you? All my close friends are Mormon. The church pretty clearly wants it that way."