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Explaining Miracles
Posted: Sat Nov 02, 2019 12:26 am
by moksha
News article from the faithful:
JERUSALEM - At 5 PM at the intersection Dolarosa and Vine, the face of God appeared and uttered in an unknown language, “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.”
The huge face was witnessed by a crowd of 127 Jerusalemites (122, since 5 were preoccupied at the Levshal Falafel Stand and missed the miracle).
Reb Ari Finkelstein, speaking for the Sanhedrin, stated it was a divine manifestation and meant that the chosen people should avoid shellfish, bacon, and avocado toast.
-- Zev Parnass, Israeli Gazzette, 97 BCE
Disbelieving gentiles have issued a statement that such a preposterous event never occurred or else was a mass hallucination brought on by camel fumes.
So, what really happened? Was this a holoprojection from the future that was actually meant to sell pajamas or something else?
Re: Explaining Miracles
Posted: Sun Nov 03, 2019 1:14 am
by moksha
So are you implying by way of this news parable that apart from what is claimed and doubted, there is a better or perhaps even real explanation?
Re: Explaining Miracles
Posted: Sun Nov 03, 2019 1:26 am
by moksha
Penguin Clone wrote: ↑Sun Nov 03, 2019 1:14 am
So are you implying by way of this news parable that apart from what is claimed and doubted, there is a better or perhaps even real explanation?
Are you attempting to read my mind? Well, that will not work! I learned from the Glenn Beck show how to fashion aluminum foil into a helmet that will effectively block those mind rays. So there.
Re: Explaining Miracles
Posted: Sun Nov 03, 2019 9:03 am
by Hagoth
I heard that 500 people watched a resurrected guy fly up into heaven. I know it's true because one guy, who wasn't there at the time, wrote it down a few decades later.
I understand there were actually more than 500 (oddly round number) people there but, you know, falafel.
Re: Explaining Miracles
Posted: Wed Nov 06, 2019 1:06 pm
by slavereeno
I dunno, I kind of like this version of God that shows up to tell a joke then disappears again. Seems Legit.
Re: Explaining Miracles
Posted: Wed Nov 06, 2019 2:42 pm
by alas
slavereeno wrote: ↑Wed Nov 06, 2019 1:06 pm
I dunno, I kind of like this version of God that shows up to tell a joke then disappears again. Seems Legit.
I also like the idea of a God who shows up to tell a joke, even a bad one, even in a language nobody understands, much better than the super serious God of Christianity who yells at people and sends babies to hell for not getting baptized, before they can even walk let alone make a decision to get baptized. Nope, if your parents don’t do it for you, I am going to punish you for eternity.
Re: Explaining Miracles
Posted: Wed Nov 06, 2019 7:43 pm
by Red Ryder
alas wrote: ↑Wed Nov 06, 2019 2:42 pm
slavereeno wrote: ↑Wed Nov 06, 2019 1:06 pm
I dunno, I kind of like this version of God that shows up to tell a joke then disappears again. Seems Legit.
I also like the idea of a God who shows up to tell a joke, even a bad one, even in a language nobody understands, much better than the super serious God of Christianity who yells at people and sends babies to hell for not getting baptized, before they can even walk let alone make a decision to get baptized. Nope, if your parents don’t do it for you, I am going to punish you for eternity.
I also like the idea of a God who uses camel dung to induce mass hallucinations brought on by camel dung fumes to promote the idea of a God people will like! Eternity is circular with this camel dung God.
*Penguins may be used as substitution for camels in cold weather climates.
Re: Explaining Miracles
Posted: Sat Nov 09, 2019 9:50 am
by moksha
moksha wrote: ↑Sat Nov 02, 2019 12:26 am
JERUSALEM - At 5 PM at the intersection Dolarosa and Vine, the face of God appeared and uttered in an unknown language, “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.”
-- Zev Parnass, Israeli Gazzette, 97 BCE
The face of God appeared once more in ancient Jerusalem. This time it said, "I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food". Not sure what meaning the Sanhedrin will assign to this vision.
Re: Explaining Miracles
Posted: Sat Nov 09, 2019 2:27 pm
by Hagoth
As far as jokes that are actually in the Bible go (aside from the talking ass, of course - that's a cheap laugh), my favorite was when Yahweh appeared to Moses and showed him his butt instead of his face. I take it as a prescient message about how seriously to take the stuff that Moses would come up with afterward. Moses didn't get the joke.
Re: Explaining Miracles
Posted: Wed Nov 13, 2019 1:10 am
by Anon70
Hagoth wrote: ↑Sat Nov 09, 2019 2:27 pm
my favorite was when Yahweh appeared to Moses and showed him his butt instead of his face.
I clearly didn’t pay attention in my BYU Old Testament class
Re: Explaining Miracles
Posted: Wed Nov 13, 2019 5:59 am
by Just This Guy
When Moses say a burning bush, it wasn't a plant...
Today you can get a cream for that.
Re: Explaining Miracles
Posted: Wed Nov 13, 2019 11:00 am
by Hagoth
Anon70 wrote: ↑Wed Nov 13, 2019 1:10 am
Hagoth wrote: ↑Sat Nov 09, 2019 2:27 pm
my favorite was when Yahweh appeared to Moses and showed him his butt instead of his face.
I clearly didn’t pay attention in my BYU Old Testament class
Exodus 33:20 And he said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live. 21 And the LORD said, Behold, there is a place by me, and thou shalt stand upon a rock: 22 And it shall come to pass, while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a clift of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by: 23 And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my
back parts: but my face shall not be seen.
As illustrated by Michelangelo:
Re: Explaining Miracles
Posted: Thu Nov 14, 2019 5:02 pm
by Anon70
Hagoth wrote: ↑Wed Nov 13, 2019 11:00 am
Anon70 wrote: ↑Wed Nov 13, 2019 1:10 am
Hagoth wrote: ↑Sat Nov 09, 2019 2:27 pm
my favorite was when Yahweh appeared to Moses and showed him his butt instead of his face.
I clearly didn’t pay attention in my BYU Old Testament class
Exodus 33:20 And he said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live. 21 And the LORD said, Behold, there is a place by me, and thou shalt stand upon a rock: 22 And it shall come to pass, while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a clift of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by: 23 And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my
back parts: but my face shall not be seen.
As illustrated by Michelangelo:
Just...wow.
