NOM

Hi all, I've not posted in NOM for I don't know how long. I was on NOM at the beginning of my faith crisis/journey, clear back to the early 2000's. My username was it'sanewday.
My problem is that now my oldest son who is a returned missionary and who went inactive soon after, is now posting anti stuff on FB. His friends on FB include many devout friends and family of his. I worry he is going to cut off a lot of relationships. He has resigned along with a couple of close friends who have devout parents. Luckily my son has myself and my husband that are almost in the same boat, but we've not resigned. But we worry that my MIL, his extremely devout grandma, is going to be devastated if she finds out. And now with his posting on FB, she will hear about it.
Any advice on how I should approach him? Or should I let it all be? I just see it hurting his relationships, sadly. ETA: Also, his siblings are all inactive and another son is going to resign soon too. I feel like they will piggyback his anti statements and it's all going to backfire on our whole family. My husband and I are in the closet somewhat, but we've moved and know hardly anyone in our ward, so no one knows we're inactive much. But this is scaring me so much, that our world is going to cave in. I'm already without many friends, since my friends were always connected to the church.

He's an adult. You should not try to monitor his actions or concern yourself with his social media activity. He gets to decide if he wants to take the risks that come with posting that information. You get to decide whether or not you want to read it.

Some of my relatives post political stuff that makes my head want to explode. I stop reading what they post on social media and unfollow their accounts. Your relatives can make the same choice for themselves.

edit: If your friends decide not to be your friends anymore because of stuff that your adult child says about their religion on FB, then they weren't really your friends. I think it seems like Mormon boundary issues are leading you to have poor separation between your adult son and yourself and that you're concerned other people will do the same.

Hi Tacenda, I like to read your posts whenever I glance at the MADD board.

Seems like there is not much to do until the results of your son's FB posting are known. Hopefully, familial bonds will transcend any butthurt feelings about your son's religious views. Best wishes on successfully navigating this new development so that you retain all your friends and possibly make some more.

Thanks moksha and glass shelf, your answers are just what I needed to hear. We'll see what happens, and I'll tell my husband we should let this slide. Have the best holidays ahead, you two!

By saying posting anti-Mormon things are you saying he is posting the truths about church history that TBMs often deny as well as true information that is not 100 percent faith promoting?

He's an adult. You should not try to monitor his actions or concern yourself with his social media activity. He gets to decide if he wants to take the risks that come with posting that information. You get to decide whether or not you want to read it.

Some of my relatives post political stuff that makes my head want to explode. I stop reading what they post on social media and unfollow their accounts. Your relatives can make the same choice for themselves.

edit: If your friends decide not to be your friends anymore because of stuff that your adult child says about their religion on FB, then they weren't really your friends. I think it seems like Mormon boundary issues are leading you to have poor separation between your adult son and yourself and that you're concerned other people will do the same.

Absolutely correct.

By the way, what is "anti-information"? Are you meaning to say "the truth" ?

Yes, anti truth, lol. The truth but not faith promoting. Thanks Wonderment & 2BizE for the reminder!

Hi Tacenda!

I used to see your posts over on MADD as well. You seemed to be vascilating back and forth about the church back then. Sounds like you have come down on the right side. Sometimes difficult, but still the right side.

I have to say the same as others here. Your son is actually showing some courage to say what he really believes. Truth sayers always pay a price but I believe it's worth it in the long run.

ETA: Glad to see you here.

Hi Palerider! I recognize you, haha!! I live on that dang MDDB board. But help me out here, why the initials MADD, it works though, they can make ya go mad!!
But this NOM board was my first venture in the discussion forum arena. I always felt more intimidated here. I hope I can discuss on here without that feeling any longer.
Thanks for your reply!! Means alot!

Tacenda wrote: ↑

Sun Dec 15, 2019 10:17 am

Hi Palerider! I recognize you, haha!! I live on that dang MDDB board. But help me out here, why the initials MADD, it works though, they can make ya go mad!!
But this NOM board was my first venture in the discussion forum arena. I always felt more intimidated here. I hope I can discuss on here without that feeling any longer.
Thanks for your reply!! Means alot!

I guess I just picked up the MADD monicker from someone else here. I'm not sure how that works out as an abbreviation.

I think many years ago this board was much more "strident" shall we say, in some of it's views. A few years ago I decided to try it once more to see how things were and was pleasently surprised that things had "softened" here considerably.

I still get called out occasionally on issues that maybe I need to reexamine. Sometimes I agree. Other times I don't.
And sometimes I call others out as well. But I try to do it in an inoffensive way if possible. Hopefully there will be more "light than heat" in the end.

I hope you stay around this time.

It's happened. My other son posted a comment that basically said pres. Oaks is a d i c k, with a emoji of a zucchini. I can't bear this, I'm sorry. I texted the son that is anti and asked him to take it down, but if he didn't I would understand. I feel helpless now. My kids don't mince words and their anger at the church is blatant. Why not leave quietly, oh well...

If you are worried about your children looking relationships due to posting anti church stuff on FB, what are the consequences of that? In the end, the people that are likely to be offended, are they really people that you would want your kids to be in contact with anyway?

Where do they live? If it's Utah, I could see that causing problems, but outside of the MORidore, most people really don't care and may actually be supportive.

End of the day it's just FB.

Yes, we live in Davis County, Utah. Emphasis on Davis County.

Tacenda wrote: ↑

Sun Dec 15, 2019 10:17 am

Why the initials MADD, it works though, they can make ya go mad!!

The initials used to be MAD before the name change. Most people at the Mormon Discussions board still call it the MAD board out of a sense of history and whimsy. I've frequently referred to it as the Mormon D&D board. I imagine at the MD&D site participants may refer to it as "the world's truest message board".

Tacenda wrote: ↑

Mon Dec 16, 2019 9:58 am

It's happened. My other son posted a comment that basically said pres. Oaks is a d i c k, with a emoji of a zucchini. I can't bear this, I'm sorry. I texted the son that is anti and asked him to take it down, but if he didn't I would understand. I feel helpless now. My kids don't mince words and their anger at the church is blatant. Why not leave quietly, oh well...

I think you are right to ask for a little candor and thoughtfulness in their postings. It is ultimately their choice, but helping guide them a little on the sensitivities involved could be helpful for future posts. But, they sound like my DW, you ain’t going to tell her to tone it down. It is what it is.

There’s not much you can, or probably should,do. It sounds like you’ve already mentioned that it may cause problems. Other than that, they are adults and should be responsible for any blow back. My concern is that the issue could start to become a problem between you and them, and I don’t think you want that.

Tacenda wrote: ↑

Mon Dec 16, 2019 9:58 am

It's happened. My other son posted a comment that basically said pres. Oaks is a d i c k, with a emoji of a zucchini. I can't bear this, I'm sorry. I texted the son that is anti and asked him to take it down, but if he didn't I would understand. I feel helpless now. My kids don't mince words and their anger at the church is blatant. Why not leave quietly, oh well...

By and large I've avoided posting anything about the church on social media but if I did make a critical post, even a crude one, and my Mom ask me to take it down... while not exactly mature I'd probably take it down just so I could repost it in bold if I was still in my angry stage. I'm out of the angry stage so it'd be a more mature, "Feel free to put me on ignore."

Thanks for all the replies. My son, the exmormon/exmissionary, saw no problem in my asking him to take it down and understood. The son that posted the comment, did have a problem that I asked his oldest brother to take it down. He told me that he hadn't really even read the meme, he just knew it was an LDS leader and wanted to make a quick comment between his brother and he, and to him it was hilarious. He could care less who saw it. I guess what it actually said was that the LDS leaders are big "zuchinni" asses. So he was almost complimenting them in a backhanded way, I guess.
We had a huge conversation, and it's definitely a problem, his age vs. my old age and me trying to live civilly in an uncivil world, my words. He told me he wants to be a comedian, and can't stand people like me that care too much what others think. And you know what? I had to do some self evaluating, I wonder if it's just that I worry what people think of my parenting skills, could be. But also, don't like him tearing down our family and friends' religion to their face. But he didn't even do that. So I blew it, big time, and it's something I do all the time. But thanks Nommies! You helped set me straight.

I think you should investigate why you have so much anxiety about your adult children posting things that they think on social media. This isn't healthy.

It's such a fine line we have to walk in order to stay on good terms with those with whom we don't always agree. If one burns a bridge and we essentially become enemies or alienated, we lose whatever influence we might have with that other person. We also lose the ability to engage their help if for some reason we end up needing it. It's hard to ask for help from your enemy when you're in a real bind.

On the other hand, if we don't stand by our own principles to a large degree we risk being swept by others into things that are utterly wrong according to our core values.

I prefer to keep a bridge intact as long as possible.