New Hymns

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2bizE
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New Hymns

Post by 2bizE » Sat Dec 21, 2019 10:26 pm

As the church will be releasing a new hymn book soon, I thought it would be fun to list NOM hymn titles you would like to see included in the new hymn book. Perhaps you will be thinking of these NOM hymns as you sing in church tomorrow.

Hymn Title Ideas:
1) What if God doesn't really exist?
2) Book of Mormon Myths
3) If I could Hi to Pittsburgh
4) Children's hymn: Jesus is like Santa for Adults
5) Seer Stone of Ages

What hymns can you come up with?
~2bizE

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StarbucksMom
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Re: New Hymns

Post by StarbucksMom » Sat Dec 21, 2019 11:33 pm

If you could get high up on Kolob

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nibbler
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Re: New Hymns

Post by nibbler » Sun Dec 22, 2019 7:41 am

In light of recent news:

I Earn Million$ Every Hour
More Billions$ Give Me
Oh Thou Kind but Stingy Father
While Shepherds Watched Their Stocks
Because I Have Been Given Much (I Think I'll Hoard)
Called to Save
Put Your Dollar On the Pile

Edit: Couldn't resist

Put your dollar on the pile and move alo-ong
Our portfolio has grown big and stro-ong
Get back to work - you peasant jerk
And put your dollar - on - tha - pile
Last edited by nibbler on Sun Dec 22, 2019 5:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
We see things not as they are, but as we are ourselves. - H.M. Tomlinson

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2bizE
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Re: New Hymns

Post by 2bizE » Sun Dec 22, 2019 11:01 am

These are good Nibler
~2bizE

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Palerider
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Re: New Hymns

Post by Palerider » Sun Dec 22, 2019 11:28 am

We thank thee oh god for a profit.
Follow the profit.
Pays to the man.
Joseph Smith's first, second, third and fourth prayer.

For new hymns I suggest:

A white shirt and tie will pass the demons by.
Joseph takes his rock and hat.
Emma won't you take me back.
Fanny wants to see the barn.
A flaming sword in old Nauvoo.
Martin can you spare a dime?
The mummies have the final say when you go down old Egypt way.
Helen's mighty young but the deal is said and done.
"There is but one straight course, and that is to seek truth and pursue it steadily."

"Truth will ultimately prevail where there is pains to bring it to light."

George Washington

Reuben
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Re: New Hymns

Post by Reuben » Sun Dec 22, 2019 2:02 pm

The Shelving Breaks (the dissonance flees)

The Spirit of Lies (quench your pants, which are burning)

Now Let Us Resign (when our conflicts diminish / no longer as strangers at church need we roam)

High Up On Ensign Peak (advisors hoard your gold)

Awake and Go Home (all ye poor, checked-out nommies)

Joseph Smith's False Prayer (Oh, how retconned was the morning!)

Battle Hymn of the Democratic People's Republic of Utah

How Sandy a Foundation

How Numerous God's Commands

I Sit All Amazed (at the garbage they fling to me)

Do What's Expected (or consequence follows)

Oh, Say, What Is Truth? (unchanged)

Oh God, it's Sabbath Morning

Families Can Be Divided Forever (like Heav'nly Father's clan)
You were born to trust, not fear. It is your birthright.

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Corsair
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Re: New Hymns

Post by Corsair » Sun Dec 22, 2019 2:51 pm

I stand all amazed at the funds Nelson earned from me
Confused at the interest and dividends kept from me
I tremble to know that no funds were tax quantified
That for me a tither I paid them and sacrificed

Oh, it is profitable that Nelson cares for me
Enough to tithe from me!
Oh, it is profitable, profitable from me!


Reuben
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Re: New Hymns

Post by Reuben » Sun Dec 22, 2019 3:36 pm

I can't let nibbler and Corsair outdo me. I mean, it's fine if they do because they're talented, but it's also not fine, you know?

Joseph Smith's False Prayer

Oh, how retconned was the morning!
Maybe beamed the sun above.
Supposedly the sweet birds singing,
Music ringing thru the grove,
When within a shady letter
Joseph added the God of love,
When within a shady letter
Joseph added the God of love.

Humbly kneeling, sweet appealing—
'Twas a younger Joseph's prayer—
When the pow'rs of sin totes could have
Filled his soul with deep despair;
But undaunted, he would have trusted
In his Heav'nly Father's care,
But undaunted, he surely trusted
In his Heav'nly Father's care.

Probably a light descended,
Brighter far than noonday sun,
And a shining, glorious pillar
O'er him fell. (Look, that's the same.)
While appeared a heav'nly being,
'Twas the Lord, O merc'ful Son.
I mean clearly two heav'nly beings,
God the Father and the Son.

"Joseph, this is my Beloved;
Hear him!" Oh, purported word!
And a better prayer was answered,
While he listened to the Lord.
Oh, what rapture filled his bosom,
For he got the grace of God,
I mean rapture filled his bosom,
For he got his call from God.
You were born to trust, not fear. It is your birthright.

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Brent
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Re: New Hymns

Post by Brent » Tue Dec 24, 2019 5:25 pm

Excerpt from "Tithing a Stairway to Heaven"

There's a woman who's sure
All that glitters is good
And she's tithing a stairway to heaven

When she gets there she knows
If the doors are all closed
With a token she can get what she came for

Oh oh oh oh and she's tithing a stairway to heaven

There's a sign on the wall
But she wants to be sure
'Cause you know sometimes words have gaslit meanings

In a store in the mall
There's a leasee who sings
Sometimes all of our thoughts are sins

Ooh, it makes me wonder
Ooh, it makes me wonder

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moksha
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Re: New Hymns

Post by moksha » Tue Dec 24, 2019 6:18 pm

Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

Anon70
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Re: New Hymns

Post by Anon70 » Sun Dec 29, 2019 11:37 am

These are cracking me up. But now I have hymns ringing through my head....

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nibbler
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Re: New Hymns

Post by nibbler » Sun Dec 29, 2019 1:47 pm

There is a green hill far away,
Made up of c-note bills,
That pays for malls and real estate,
We're aiming for one trill.
We see things not as they are, but as we are ourselves. - H.M. Tomlinson

Reuben
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Re: New Hymns

Post by Reuben » Sun Dec 29, 2019 6:21 pm

nibbler wrote:
Sun Dec 29, 2019 1:47 pm
There is a green hill far away,
Made up of c-note bills,
That pays for malls and real estate,
We're aiming for one trill.
I... I think I love you, nibbler.
You were born to trust, not fear. It is your birthright.

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Raylan Givens
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Re: New Hymns

Post by Raylan Givens » Sun Dec 29, 2019 11:19 pm

Praise to the men who commune with accountants
"Ah, you know, I think you use the Bible to do whatever the hell you like" - Raylan Givens

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Raylan Givens
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Re: New Hymns

Post by Raylan Givens » Sun Dec 29, 2019 11:20 pm

Corsair wrote:
Sun Dec 22, 2019 2:51 pm
I stand all amazed at the funds Nelson earned from me
Confused at the interest and dividends kept from me
I tremble to know that no funds were tax quantified
That for me a tither I paid them and sacrificed

Oh, it is profitable that Nelson cares for me
Enough to tithe from me!
Oh, it is profitable, profitable from me!
Too good
"Ah, you know, I think you use the Bible to do whatever the hell you like" - Raylan Givens

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Corsair
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Location: Phoenix

Re: New Hymns

Post by Corsair » Mon Dec 30, 2019 8:33 am

This topic was brought up right after the hundred billion dollar revelation so there is a financial angle to most of these song lyrics. It might have been a different set of songs if this was right after one of the polygamy essays was released or a high profile news story featured an LDS leader in a sex abuse story.

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