NOM

Hey God,

Sorry to interrupt you while you’re on vacation or whatever your up to these days. I know your not answering my prayers or taking my calls so I thought I would send you an email and let you know how we are doing down here on planet earth. We still have mass poverty, political turbulence, and Carol Baskin.

Oh yeah there’s that PANDEMIC too!

So could you... maybe... uh.... help a brother out! let someone know what’s going on? I heard there’s a guy or twelve in Salt Lake City Utah who claim to represent speaking for you, on your behalf, to be a mouth piece in these latter days and trying times. Maybe you can tell them to pass along a message of hope? Maybe they can speak for you? Or tell them politely to tell us everything is going to be ok.

Perhaps this is another joint effort, a master plan, a PR stunt or what not to get all of us that forgot about you to turn our hearts and minds towards you. You may have to do something a little more tolerable because frankly most of us here are running out of patience and toilet paper.

Please send a flock of seagulls, locust, or other form of retribution to clean the earth. I know you flooded it once but I’m ok if you think that will clear the air and heal the sick. Hell, I’ll even accept a flock of pigeons, poop and all, if needed.

Please for the love of (yourself), do something soon. We’ll gladly give up insignificant things like chocolate, new episodes of The Masked Singer, and non missionary position sacred marital intimacy for 120 days. We’ll call it Lent 2.0 or shout out a fancy hashtag like #God Saves! Whatever you want to do, we can negotiate.

So please big guy, I know your busy and all but can you please do something here? We’re tired of skipping meals, blowing out our knees, and wondering where the hell you’ve been!

Sincerely yours,
RR

Eagerly awaiting god's reply.

Please Return and Report™ Red Cowboy.

This sounds suspiciously like the famous 1970 young adult novel, "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" by Judy Blume. I have not read it because I have never been a teenage girl. I was only interested in teenage girls when I was a teenage boy. Perhaps Joseph Smith and the early LDS leaders should have read it because of their much more prevalent interest in teenage girls.

Perhaps you will get an answer redirected through your bishop or stake president, much like if you write a letter to Russell Nelson. At that point we already have a good idea of what the answer to your prayer will probably be. It will largely be counsel to "follow the prophet, remain temple worthy, pay your tithing, and make sure that it's not porn that is blocking your access to the divine like that one time.

So that's pretty much the answer your're going to get. I'm not an answer to prayer very often, but it's nice to be the answer once in a while.

I did read that book as a preteen, and all I can recall is some terrifying (to me at the time), outdated information about menstrual products.

God's too busy worrying about how to protect Russ's money to get back to you, Red. You're just out of luck. I find the best way to deal with this is to be too busy living to care about God being an absentee parent.

Dear Red Ryder,

Stop whining. This ain't the Black Death yet. Together, a cup of cold water and your left hand make an effective bidet.

What makes you think Russ ever listens? He's been deaf to me since before he threw out his parents' liquor. The Mormons got to him. Now he's their leader and doesn't think he has to listen to anybody.

Tell you what. Because you went to the effort to not be tediously deferential with the "thee" and "thou" and "I'm unworthy" bullshit, I'll throw you a bone. The next time you recall the April 2020 General Conference, you'll remember Dallin having no rhythm during that ridiculous Hosanna Mumble. I'll have had Lucifer go back in time and distract him with gay thoughts about Russ.

Oh, and I don't want your hearts, minds, and sacrifices. You're supposed to give those to each other, dumbass.

God

Reuben wrote: ↑

Thu Apr 23, 2020 4:38 pm

Oh, and I don't want your hearts, minds, and sacrifices. You're supposed to give those to each other, dumbass.

Sooo... I ended up portraying Jerk Jesus. Sorry about that, RR. I guess it's the only way I can make sense of the Christian god nowadays.

Dear Red,

It is all Adams fault, if he had stayed in the garden and obeyed, I would have given him a third wife, just like I did when Lilith got mad and left. Then there wouldn’t be sickness and stuff on the earth. So, go yell at Adam.




Hmmm, another way to make God a jerk.

So, the decision comes down to either God is a jerk, or God is not omnipotent. I go with God is not omnipotent and is bound by natural laws, such as that contagious disease spread and kill people, and there is nothing God can do but watch and maybe give us the comfort that loving each other at least makes things less miserable.

You're just not listening to the answer, RR. God is speaking through his prophet in Washington. The latest revelation is to drink or inject Lysol and Clorox. Pay attention, man!

alas wrote: ↑

Fri Apr 24, 2020 7:22 am

I go with God is not omnipotent and is bound by natural laws...

Alex Trebek: "What is, God is an alien?" would have also been an acceptable answer.

Hope this isn’t too much of a downer, but this thread reminds me of the sorrow I felt when I admitted to myself I could no longer believe in God or even a god.

And, I often think of this video when I feel that grief now.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds