To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

This is for encouragement, ideas, and support for people going through a faith transition no matter where you hope to end up. This is also the place to laugh, cry, and love together.
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River Morgan2
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To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by River Morgan2 » Thu Dec 17, 2020 10:34 am

In another thread, anon70 said,"My plan is that when my youngest is an adult, I bow out.

That comment really caught my eye, because I think my greatest sorrow since mentally leaving the church is that I didn't wake up in time to nudge my children toward the facts that I found.

It worked out anyway with half of them because they're figuring out things on their own. The other half, because of life circumstances, are ending up being True Blue Mormons or Mormonatzis. And that is causing significant problems with *their* children.

I say what I feel like I can say, and then I have to just sit back and ring my hands, because I'm the grandmother, not the mother.

In my mind, it feels like not only a spiritual "to be or not to be," but a mental and emotional one as well.

So for those of you who still have children at home, which direction are you taking with them? And for those of you whose chicks have already left the nest, how is it working out?

Thanks,
River
Every time you find humor in a difficult situation, you win. -Snoopy

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RubinHighlander
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by RubinHighlander » Thu Dec 17, 2020 10:52 am

The sooner the better IMO, depending on circumstances in family and social structures. I think about how much better the lives of each of my children are, now they are out of it. On the flippity, I see the need with younger kids in mixed faith families to maybe bide their time and weigh out stability against full disclosure. So many here are in that boat and the water can get rough at times. It's certainly not just a yes or no question when time and circumstance is factored in. Maybe the answer is yes, eventually.
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River Morgan2
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by River Morgan2 » Thu Dec 17, 2020 10:55 am

Thank you, RubenHighlander, excellent points!

Anyone else want to put in their two cents, or their experiences?

River
Every time you find humor in a difficult situation, you win. -Snoopy

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Red Ryder
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by Red Ryder » Thu Dec 17, 2020 11:10 am

I have not specifically told my kids about my unbelief. In the beginning, they were too young. Then by the time I felt they were old enough, the timing was never right. Then there was trying to balance perspective with the TBM wife.

So I just lived my life without religion on my sleeve all the while we went as a family every week. Family was the most important and they know this. Vacations overlapped Sunday’s. Ice cream was bought and consumed on Sundays. Church clothes were half way off in the car ride home. Sunday NFL games blasted through the house. Home teaching was never done. Blessings few and far in between. Scriptures were read when mom took the lead. Movies were watched regardless of rating. Mom wears funny underwear while dad’s is normal. Ice tea, green tea, and sometimes coffee have pierced lips around here. LGBTQ conversations, philosophy, and opinions are all welcome (even by mom god bless) and often religion is questioned. BS has been called on many Mormon ideas (including the name change). My family has participated in church, held callings, etc. tithing settlement was attended, non-tithe disclosed. I haven’t hidden, denied, or lied about anything. Never fully told anyone I didn’t believe. I just didn’t make church a significant priority. Basically went along to get along. To keep peace in the house.

This told the kids all they needed to know. My children have grown up and become distant from church activity. Mainly because they find it extremely boring and unfulfilling. Not because I don’t believe. I’m sure that plays a part but the reality is the church product doesn’t interest them.

I don’t know if I should have done something different? It’s not like there’s a manual for any of this. It’s an emotional train wreck when your wife cries at night because her children and husband don’t take Mormonism seriously and she feels alone. She feels betrayed.

It hurts.

I also refuse to take the blame for any of this. It’s not my fault joseph made it up. It’s not my fault the church has hidden the facts and white washed the narrative. I feel betrayed.

It hurts.
Those who do not move do not notice their chains. —Rosa Luxemburg

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Not Buying It
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by Not Buying It » Thu Dec 17, 2020 11:24 am

Red Ryder wrote:
Thu Dec 17, 2020 11:10 am
I also refuse to take the blame for any of this. It’s not my fault joseph made it up. It’s not my fault the church has hidden the facts and white washed the narrative. I feel betrayed.
This will always be my position - it isn’t my fault I was born into a fraudulent religion that none of the family I was raised with sees for what it is. It’s not my fault I believed in it when I married my wife and only came to realize it was a sham afterwards. It isn’t my fault the Church isn’t what it claims to be. I’m just doing the best I can with the hand I was dealt, and I refuse to feel any guilt for a situation I didn’t ask for and I didn’t create. All the Church had to do was be what it claims to be and I wouldn’t be in this mess.

If you can’t just out and out tell your kids you don’t believe, drop breadcrumbs and ask hard questions with them every chance you get. Eventually you may find them at a point where you don’t have to tell them. Whatever you do, don’t let the Church’s brainwashing go unchallenged - find a way to counteract it as effectively, as subtly, as carefully as you have to - but for the love of Pete, don’t let the Church get its claws into your kids without doing anything. That’s not what responsible parents do - when you know something is dangerous, you don’t turn a blind eye. You may not be able to do much, but do something.
"The truth is elegantly simple. The lie needs complex apologia. 4 simple words: Joe made it up. It answers everything with the perfect simplicity of Occam's Razor. Every convoluted excuse withers." - Some guy on Reddit called disposazelph

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alas
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by alas » Thu Dec 17, 2020 1:32 pm

I was in the position of the kind of NOM this site originally was set up for. That is, Someone who doesn’t believe in the traditional way, but still finds enough good in the church to not run screaming away. My husband was of the mind set that if I didn’t believe it was grounds for divorce and since the church wasn’t the harmful train wreck it seems to be today, and I didn’t know I was raising a gay child. And I was/am still Christian enough that I liked a place to worship Christ and figured that since I was more or less stuck in the church to make the best of it. So, I kept my doubts to myself.

I did teach my kids critical thinking and figured it was up to them to decide what they wanted to believe.

Well, my oldest was never very religious anyway and ran head on into the hypocrisy of “Utah Mormons” when she went from early morning seminary to released time seminary with most of the football team in her class. She just rebelled and did all the stuff that horrifies Mormon parents and married someone who hated Mormons. Yikes. Second child was very religious but looked deep into Mormon theology and decided to be pagan, and 20 years later is still quite happily pagan. She was pagan before figuring out why she didn’t feel “love” for any of the men in her life, so she got out of Mormonism before it hurt her that way, but her wife did not. Third child looked like he would drift away, but then fell head over heals with a holier than thou Mormon girl, who told him some mean stuff about his lack of TBM over done righteous. So, since she had said that he wasn’t “husband material” unless he went on a mission, he got ready and went on a mission. Girl dumped him anyway, but good riddance. No regrets there because the mission was good for him and the girl he found after his mission would have rejected him unless he had been on a mission. She was an RM herself. If I could have chosen his wife I would have picked her, she is that perfect both for him and for fitting in with our family and in every way. And third child’s wife is now feminist and looking at the church like she is questioning. I don’t dare bring it up with her for fear she will retrench and my son will follow her out if she stops believing. So, end result is three grandchildren are being raised Mormon(ish) and two were never even blessed as babies. And it is the three Mormonish kids I worry about the least. Two of them have good heads on their shoulders and won’t let a church hurt them, because my “that perfect” daughter in law has taught them to use religion and not let religion use them, if that makes any sense. The middle child has some personality quirks that will be a bigger problem than her religion. The two children of the daughter who rebelled as a teen needed more structure and self esteem than their parents were able to provide. They are not OK, even though they were not raised Mormon and might have done better to be raised with the structure of Mormonism.

So, I look at it this way, if you teach kids critical thinking, and to use religion to improve their lives rather than letting religion dictate their lives, they will turn out OK. The child’s personality is often stronger than the religion you teach them. For example, my oldest would have rebelled and done stupid stuff until she turns 50 (I am hoping she eventually grows up) no matter if we raised her Mormon or not. She has kind of a “I will do it my way” personality. My second child is very analytic and would uncover the problems in the Mormon church and Christianity. She just needed to invent her own personalized religion and avoid the intellectual loopholes of all organized religion, so an “unorganized” religion is perfect for her. My third child is a follower. If he had fallen in love with a Catholic girl, he would be Catholic. We just happened to live in Utah where most girls are Mormon.

So, look at the personalities of your kids. A follower is still going to be a follower. A rebel is going to rebel. Someone who has OCD is going to manifest that OCD either in Mormon scrupulosity or other life disrupting ways. Scrupulosity isn’t caused by Mormonism, but is caused by the underlying OCD. Several of “Mormonism problems” are just the problem being manifest in a Mormon way instead of say being nuts about other details of living. Often whether Mormonism is harmful to your kids or just an expensive hobby, or is actually helpful in keeping them away from drugs and alcohol is more dependent on the kids personality than on what Mormonism actually is. You sometimes can guess your kids are gay early enough to make a difference with the destructiveness of the Mormon attitude, then their are kids like mine who are ultra feminine and turn out gay at 24 after a failed marriage to a guy.

And if your spouse is like mine was for so many years, you may not have much say in whether or not the kids are raised Mormon. So teach them critical thinking. Teach your girls that they can grow up to be anything and reject the ridged gender roles of Mormonism. Teach your kids that who they are is OK, and that you will love them no matter. Be gay affirmative, be gender flexible. Teach them about other religions and other cultures. Teach them tolerance and fight racism. Be sex positive, not shaming of normal feelings or normal development. Teach the difference between modesty and body shame and that men are responsible for their own thoughts. You can do all that without fights with the TBM spouse.

With many of my relatives right now, it isn’t Mormonism that is hurting them. It is the inability to separate conspiracy theories from reality and the gullibility that has them believing Trump’s lies. So, the critical thinking is probably more important than the antiMormonism.

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River Morgan2
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by River Morgan2 » Thu Dec 17, 2020 2:26 pm

alas wrote:
Thu Dec 17, 2020 1:32 pm
...teach them critical thinking. ... Teach your kids that who they are is OK, and that you will love them no matter. Be gay affirmative, be gender flexible. ... Be sex positive, not shaming of normal feelings or normal development. Teach the difference between modesty and body shame and that men are responsible for their own thoughts. ...

With many of my relatives right now, it isn’t Mormonism that is hurting them. It is the inability to separate conspiracy theories from reality and the gullibility that has them believing Trump’s lies. So, the critical thinking is probably more important than the antiMormonism.
Alas, dear friend, you are an old soul. Such wisdom!

As an aside, most of my extended family could also use a long course in critical thinking! 🙄

One of my grandchildren is gender-fluid. Their parents are T!B!M! (mom) and Mormonatzi (dad). Fortunately the mom made sure the children always knew they would be loved no matter what. The dad has always been emotionally unavailable and the grandchild coming out definitely hasn't helped.

The problem the gender-fluid grandchild encountered wasn't because they came out, it was because they *did* analyze their religious upbringing and gave it a one finger salute. You can imagine how well that went over!

Then another grandchild got caught doing a very natural thing to do when a child hits puberty and both parents came unscrewed! This grandchild is having to undergo Mormon "counseling" on an individual and group basis both. And mom watches them like a hawk. The child is in their mid-teens now and is already showing signs of the problems that are a natural result of this stupidity.

Have I said something about this problem? Boy howdy! If you really knew me you wouldn't have to ask. 😁 I've been as diplomatic as I can figure out how to be, but after several attempts I was told to butt out.

Sometimes it feels like your grandchildren take none of your time and all of your worry.

River
Every time you find humor in a difficult situation, you win. -Snoopy

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wtfluff
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by wtfluff » Thu Dec 17, 2020 3:13 pm

I've never had a real "sit-down" "come-to-Zeus" discussion with any of my kids about doubts, or beliefs.

In a mixed-faith marriage, something like that is difficult, even with kids who are not True Believers™.

By the time I really figured out that I wanted next-to-nothing to do with MORmONism, my oldest was adult enough to make their own decisions. I didn't feel like I could bring in the shock-and-awe campaign and yank the rug out from under them, when I'd spent most of their lifetime shoving the rug down their throat. That kid is still "in" and eventually married in the Polygamy Palace. Though still in, the kid is very nuanced, along with the kid-in-law. Honestly, I don't know how they will stay in, but only time will tell.

The other 66.66666% of my kids are basically out. They pretty much followed me out when I quit attending, mostly due to how boring church is, but there has also been some critical thinking involved. Even after I quit attending, I kept asking them if they wanted to attend, volunteered to fight with them for 2 hours to get them ready ( :P ) etc. Basically everything up to, but not including encouraging them to go. The answer was always: Nope, don't want to dress up in an uncomfortable "MORmON Uniform" and go be bored for 3 hours. My youngest will literally say out loud: "I'm not MORmON." I'm not sure how my believing wife truly handles that, and I'm too big of a wimp to ask.

As mentioned, there has never been a sit-down with any of the kids, but at least one of them has overheard a "not-so-quiet" discussion between myself and my wife where I share my insights about how fraudulent LD$-Inc. is. :shock:

Basically, as others have mentioned, I look for every opportunity to apply the Socratic Method/Street Epistemology with my kids, and try to get them to think rationally for themselves, and apply logic, reason and skepticism. I also don't hold back when the opportunity arises to point out the Bat-Sh!t craziness of some of the "finer" points of MORmON doctrine, and there have been some very interesting discussions related to that.

Now... If only I could find the right sharp, pointy (or blunt?) instrument that would pop my wife's MORmON bubble...
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus

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alas
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by alas » Thu Dec 17, 2020 3:14 pm

River Morgan2 wrote:
Thu Dec 17, 2020 2:26 pm
alas wrote:
Thu Dec 17, 2020 1:32 pm
...teach them critical thinking. ... Teach your kids that who they are is OK, and that you will love them no matter. Be gay affirmative, be gender flexible. ... Be sex positive, not shaming of normal feelings or normal development. Teach the difference between modesty and body shame and that men are responsible for their own thoughts. ...

With many of my relatives right now, it isn’t Mormonism that is hurting them. It is the inability to separate conspiracy theories from reality and the gullibility that has them believing Trump’s lies. So, the critical thinking is probably more important than the antiMormonism.
Alas, dear friend, you are an old soul. Such wisdom!

As an aside, most of my extended family could also use a long course in critical thinking! 🙄

One of my grandchildren is gender-fluid. Their parents are T!B!M! (mom) and Mormonatzi (dad). Fortunately the mom made sure the children always knew they would be loved no matter what. The dad has always been emotionally unavailable and the grandchild coming out definitely hasn't helped.

The problem the gender-fluid grandchild encountered wasn't because they came out, it was because they *did* analyze their religious upbringing and gave it a one finger salute. You can imagine how well that went over!

Then another grandchild got caught doing a very natural thing to do when a child hits puberty and both parents came unscrewed! This grandchild is having to undergo Mormon "counseling" on an individual and group basis both. And mom watches them like a hawk. The child is in their mid-teens now and is already showing signs of the problems that are a natural result of this stupidity.

Have I said something about this problem? Boy howdy! If you really knew me you wouldn't have to ask. 😁 I've been as diplomatic as I can figure out how to be, but after several attempts I was told to butt out.

Sometimes it feels like your grandchildren take none of your time and all of your worry.

River
Arg. Mormon sex shaming at its worst. Have I ever talked about my lesbian niece? Just over the last however many years I have been on NOM. You’ll recognize the story. Anyway, niece’s mom very very homophobic. Girl at 12 or so starts to come out. Mom comes totally unglued. We hardly ever see family because my brother is (was he died last summer) very quiet and mom is enough to make us crazy. For several reasons, homophobia being the least. But once when my mom was in the hospital before she died, we are leaving and see niece crying in the hallway. We stop to talk and tell her that we love her no matter and that her cousin is also gay and we DO understand about her mother, but we are careful not to undermine Mormonism or her mother, just that we recognize the problem and it is *not her* that there is anything wrong with. We kind of fall out of contact with family because SIL makes us crazy. 10 years slip by. Brother is injured and we go to hospital. Girl makes a huge scene at seeing us with how much she has missed us. We go to break room to talk to just her without any other family. She tells us how that one small conversation at the hospital kept her alive. She cut her parents out of her life for those 10 years and is now happily married to her wife and they are adopting a little boy. And mom is slowly coming around.

So, just let the grandchildren know that you support them and love them no matter what, and that you are there if they ever need it. That is really all you can do, because you can’t fight their parents, but you can love them in spite of the parents.

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Deepthinker
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by Deepthinker » Thu Dec 17, 2020 4:03 pm

I’ll share what I’ve done so far with my 5 kids, 3 of which are now adults. Two have left the nest, and a third will be getting married in February. For years I would send signals to my kids that I know helped them see I wasn’t completely orthodox; openly supporting my gay brother being one example.

The oldest went on a mission while I was in “faith crisis” mode and he returned 2 months later diagnosed with depression. I told him then where I stood on beliefs, how proud I am of him, that I love him, and that I only want him to be happy. We found out that he has Asperger’s Syndrome and he hasn’t been back to church since coming home.

About a year later, I came home from church early one Sunday to escape and my second oldest was at the house. It was just the two of us, and I told him the real reason I was home. We had an incredible talk, and we’ve had many more since then. He doesn’t believe in God and had already stopped going to church. Having me there to openly love and support him for who he is I know has helped him, and it’s brought us closer.

Ok, third oldest…and first daughter. I was ready to tell her last year and just as I was finding the right opportunity, she tells me she wants to go on a mission. So, I hold off and support her, even got a recommend just for her to be there for her endowment. She was ready to head out to the MTC when the pandemic hit and they shut the MTC down. She did the online MTC and waited…and waited..then decided to hold off going on a mission. So, this summer I finally told her…she was the one I was most worried about because she is fully believing. Her response still brings me to tears…the empathy and love and caring she showed. All of my worry was just that, and once again me opening up helped us become even closer.

Fourth child is 16, and I’m looking for a time to tell her next. Youngest is 13 and he really doesn’t like church, so I’m not worried about telling him in the near future.

My experience is that telling my children about my change in beliefs has been positive, and has only made my relationship with them better. I know that’s my experience, and it depends on each child. I feel pretty lucky. I just reached a point where I felt like I needed to tell them. I think you will know when you're ready.

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Linked
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by Linked » Thu Dec 17, 2020 5:41 pm

I have 2 kids in elementary school. So far I haven't told them I don't believe church; my TBM DW didn't seem ready for that earlier, but I think we are getting close. I plan to tell them before they turn 12 because I suspect that somewhere shortly after that is where they could feel really betrayed if I haven't told them.

My focus so far has been to expose them to lots and lots of critical thinking. And science. Provide them with plenty of things that they can discover are real and that may disagree with the church so they have a solid foundation that can resist dogmatic thinking. And I try to develop a strong relationship with them so that it will weather the storm of emotion when they are told I am a bad person at church.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by Hagoth » Fri Dec 18, 2020 3:25 pm

I got nuthin'. My kids got out before I did.
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” -Mark Twain

Jesus: "The Kingdom of God is within you." The Buddha: "Be your own light."

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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by Mormorrisey » Fri Dec 18, 2020 9:38 pm

It took me many, many years to be fully open with my kids about what I think. And even now, they don't fully know HOW much I know, and what I really, really think about a variety of church topics. But they all know I'm not a fully committed believer in the fundamentalist sense of my spouse, I have very nuanced beliefs, and I really only attend to keep the peace and have the ability to go to the unmarried kids' weddings one day. But I have tried to honour my wife in not being TOO confrontational about it, I've just tried to mitigate the guilt and anxiety about church stuff - unfortunately all my kids suffer to some degree from anxiety issues, although I would say it doesn't have much to do with the church, just their own personalities.

What is very interesting, though, is that all of my kids are very liberal and are NOM in the traditional sense. And they came to this conclusion all on their own, from their own experiences, and from their own critical thinking. At some point over the last six years, they've all had to explain to their mother that they do not believe in the church the way she does - and to Sis M's credit, she's taken this turn of events better than I thought she would ever be able to. My most TBM married child, who is very conservative and more like her mother when it comes to church issues, shocked me a while back when she told me how stupid I was to have paid tithing on my gross, and she would never have done that. And she's very critical of her rural ward, who are all Bensonite members. They drive her absolutely nuts. It's pretty funny, and we have bonded a lot over her frustrations with the loony tunes.

So I would argue that with this generation, who have been taught to think critically WAAAY more than my generation or earlier generations, tend to see the church for what it is, not the romanticized version of previous generations. And I think if you simply embrace critical thinking skills, even unrelated to church topics, as wtfluff suggested, they will eventually use them on the church. And we all know from experience, it's pretty much game over for buying in fully to the church narrative when that happens. So playing the long game, and being gentle with how I think and feel, rather than ramming it down their throats, has made a world of difference.

I'll repeat what I've always said when it comes to my kids. They can stay active in the church and participate whichever way they choose, or they can leave it, and it won't make much difference to me and how I love them. I just want them to try and see the church for what it IS, not what church leaders say it is. And so far, I'm batting 1.000 on that, even as they all are "active" in the church.
"And I don't need you...or, your homespun philosophies."
"And when you try to break my spirit, it won't work, because there's nothing left to break."

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glass shelf
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by glass shelf » Sat Dec 19, 2020 11:25 am

One of the things that I'm most grateful for in life is that I managed to get out of Mormonism before it had also trapped my kids. I definitely told them about it when I left the church, and I'd answer any questions they have at any time now.

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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by DPRoberts » Tue Dec 29, 2020 9:28 pm

I used to say I was the poster child for failure to raise believing children, since all 4 of mine are non-believers at this point. For the most part I did it unintentionally, and even when I reached the point where I actually preferred that they leave, I generally kept my misgivings to myself, lest I give my TBM wife reason to blame me for their leaving. I basically did not "come out" to my any of my kids until the topic came up when alone on a hike with my oldest and her (RM) husband, who were clearly out at that point. Similarly, although all but one of mine stopped attending by the time they turned 18, it was some time after that age they learned that I was similarly disaffected. Even at that they do not know how deep it goes with me. Occasionally my son will touch on a specific topic with the church that allows me to brain dump to a certain depth, but only occasionally.

My youngest got to know at the earliest age, since by then I had less reason to keep up appearances. Plus I was really pushed into showing my had a little earlier on wit her. She was still a teen in 2015 while the church was insanely reacting to Obergefell and I felt that I had to say something to counter the toxic garbage they were spreading then. So I did tell her that the church was as wrong about this as it had been historically regarding race, and if any of my kids were to come out as gay my loyalty would definitely be to them and not the church (she was definitely touched when I told her that). Like two of her siblings she quit attending on reaching her majority. Nevertheless she still has some close connections with some of her YW leaders, and she has some good memories from some of the activities despite never quite fitting the mold.

So what do I think I may have done right? A big thing that has already been mentioned multiple times over, is that I always encouraged critical thinking. My kids were raised on PBS science shows and hardly knew what the popular serials were. The other thing, and I give my wife as much or more credit for this as I give myself, is that they know that our love and support for them is not contingent on their being good MOTCOJCOLDS. This was more of a factor when I still had one trending TBM. It is pretty much academic now if we intend to stay connected to them.
When an honest man discovers he is mistaken, he will either cease to be mistaken or cease to be honest. -anon
The belief that there is only one truth, and that oneself is in possession of it, is the root of all evil in the world. -Max Born

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moksha
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by moksha » Wed Dec 30, 2020 5:18 am

alas wrote:
Thu Dec 17, 2020 3:14 pm
We stop to talk and tell her that we love her no matter and that her cousin is also gay and we DO understand... we recognize the problem and it is *not her* that there is anything wrong with.

10 years slip by. Brother is injured and we go to the hospital. Girl makes a huge scene at seeing us with how much she has missed us. We go to the break room to talk to just her without any other family. She tells us how that one small conversation at the hospital kept her alive.
There is an important lesson here. Speaking up and letting people know they are okay and also loved makes a huge difference. It is a triumph of human decency over dogma.

Around 70% of Millenials and Generation Z will leave the Church.
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by jfro18 » Fri Jan 01, 2021 9:55 am

We have one kid who is now 8... when i went down the rabbit hole 2.5 years ago, I told DW that I'm OK with our kid still going to church but I would also like to be able to teach him lessons about my beliefs. I was clear that my lessons would NOT be to contradict the church, but to teach critical thinking and ask questions about if things made sense to him.

She didn't want to do that, so our kid has not gone in two years. Now she teaches him on the sly (which I'm not a fan of), but I'm pretty sure she sticks to just Bible stuff.

A few times he's said something to me like "Did you know Adam and Eve were the first two people" and I asked him questions about what he thought about that and just replied that a lot of people believe that, but a lot of people also believe that's not the case because of what science can now tell us. He's not too interested in the details, but I figure that way I'm not saying it's not true but at least letting him know there are a lot of alternate viewpoints.

It's really tricky and I've had to bite my tongue a number of times, but hopefully just asking him questions helps him to be open to new info and to realize when things simply do not add up. But it still sucks, and as RR said, I am not going to feel bad about not wanting him to get sucked into something that is provably false after I made that mistake myself.

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MalcolmVillager
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by MalcolmVillager » Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:50 pm

Such great advice here. We have been candid about easy stuff like age of the earth, evolution, LGBT and racial equality, feminism and patriarchy, and especially polygamy. We have also had discussions about biblical mythology and the goodness in other churches. Lastly we have been open about our disagreement with the brethren.

We live in the MorCor and the entanglement is deep so we have been slow and cautious about hurting relationships. The slow fade will likely put out outside eventually but it hasn't been blatant and open yet.

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moksha
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by moksha » Sun Jan 10, 2021 7:44 pm

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Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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IT_Veteran
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Re: To share your doubts with your children or not, that is the question

Post by IT_Veteran » Sun Jan 24, 2021 7:15 pm

When I told DW I’d decided to leave the church it was a bit of a bombshell. She knew I didn’t have a testimony about a year earlier, but as far as she knew I was still trying to make it work. Once I told her, she wanted us to tell the older kids (17 and 13) without specifics about why. We didn’t discuss it with the 3 year old. I had it fairly easy because my why was simply loss of belief in god, I hadn’t dealt with the church history stuff or social issues yet.

We gave the kids permission to stay home with dad or attend with mom as they wanted. Pretty soon brunch and Starbucks runs became pretty attractive for the oldest and youngest. Middle kiddo had the hardest time walking away. DW kept taking them to church until she had her own issues to deal with regarding church and told that kiddo that they’d have to find a ride with friends if they want to keep attending.

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