Moving out of Utah

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Aphrodite
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Joined: Sun May 02, 2021 4:11 pm

Moving out of Utah

Post by Aphrodite » Thu May 13, 2021 9:33 pm

Hey everyone, long time poking around the forum but first ever post.

Little bit of background on me, I’m in my mid 20’s, no longer believing in the church or practicing it. Family still thinks I believe in it - and I don’t have the heart at this point in my life to ruin the relationship I have with them to tell them I don’t believe the same as them.

I was pondering doing one of those exchange programs, as apart of my college to go visit another state for a while and still work on my schooling. It’d be a good excuse to get out of Utah and rediscover myself away from the environment of Utah, though it’d be far from family.

The reason why I’m thinking about moving away is that I just feel this guilt for not believing the way my family does, and also the constant pressure for me to “find a Mormon man to marry”. As well as all the other pressures people my age face.

It seems if I were to get away from all of this social pressure I could feel a little more like myself. I’ve lived out of Utah on my own before but it was never permanent, but it was very freeing. Plus it’s refreshing to go on dates with people and not have the “so are you one of the Mormons” conversation, ha!

Have any of you moved out of Utah for similar reasons?

Any thoughts on leaving Utah?

Any thoughts on someone in my situation that decides to stay in Utah?

I’m excited to hear from you all.

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moksha
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Joined: Tue Oct 18, 2016 4:22 am

Re: Moving out of Utah

Post by moksha » Thu May 13, 2021 11:34 pm

Sounds exciting. Wish I could be in my early twenties with a teaching certificate in English. I would move to Taiwan, South Korea, or China and be an English teacher for a couple of years. Talk about a change from Utah.

Best wishes for your adventure.
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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Palerider
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Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2016 8:44 am

Re: Moving out of Utah

Post by Palerider » Fri May 14, 2021 10:22 am

Personally I would have a hard time living in Utah.

But moving away isn't going to solve your issue with familial relationships.

We have friends whose children were raised in the church but have all moved away from their parents for the exact reason you mention. They want to live their lives as they please without Mom and Dad nearby making little judgements. But Mom and Dad know what's going on and they've realized there's not much they can do about it.

They still hold out hope for their kids to return to the flock but it's never to happen. The kids know too much.

It would be nicer to have them a little closer to strengthen the relationship but the kids know that comes with a price.

If not for your parents and the "dating thing" would you rather stay in Utah or the Mountain West? There are great parts of Idaho, Wyoming, Montana and Arizona that are little influenced by Mormons.

Good luck with whatever you decide. 8-)
"There is but one straight course, and that is to seek truth and pursue it steadily."

"Truth will ultimately prevail where there is pains to bring it to light."

George Washington

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Linked
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Re: Moving out of Utah

Post by Linked » Fri May 14, 2021 10:24 am

Welcome Aphrodite!

I'm sorry you are made to feel guilty for being yourself. It sounds like you are a thoughtful person who doesn't deserve that guilt.

I think getting away from home for a while would do any young adult good to see different ways of life. In your situation I think it would be even better so you can discover yourself outside of the emotional pressure cooker here in Utah. I got out of Utah when I was young for a mission and for an internship, and the experience of other cultures was great, even though I was TBM at the time.

No judgement here if you decide to stay. We are all doing our best to get along in this life and be happy. I'm sure there is much comfort in being near family and home, even if it comes with the discomfort from faith differences.

What led you to believe differently than your family?

-Linked
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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Red Ryder
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Re: Moving out of Utah

Post by Red Ryder » Fri May 14, 2021 11:21 am

Welcome!

I grew up in the PNW before my family moved around a few times and ultimately ending up in Utah for my senior year of high school. I left Utah to go to college and never returned. It was a good decision.

For you, put yourself first in your decision. Don’t move to run away from Mormonism. Move to chase your dreams. After all, you have to live tour own life regardless of family pressure to live their prescribed lifestyle. Learn to be your own person now in your mid 20’s and you’ll have a long fulfilling life built for you, by you!

Family is nice to visit, but even better to leave and return to your life.

You’ll thank me in your late 40’s. 🤣
“It always devolves to Pantaloons. Always.” ~ Fluffy

“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga

“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg

Aphrodite
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun May 02, 2021 4:11 pm

Re: Moving out of Utah

Post by Aphrodite » Sun May 16, 2021 7:48 am

moksha wrote:
Thu May 13, 2021 11:34 pm
Sounds exciting. Wish I could be in my early twenties with a teaching certificate in English. I would move to Taiwan, South Korea, or China and be an English teacher for a couple of years. Talk about a change from Utah.

Best wishes for your adventure.
That sounds amazing! Leaving the country is a bit too out there for me but something like that would be great to immerse yourself in a different culture.
Palerider wrote:
Fri May 14, 2021 10:22 am
Personally I would have a hard time living in Utah.

But moving away isn't going to solve your issue with familial relationships.

We have friends whose children were raised in the church but have all moved away from their parents for the exact reason you mention. They want to live their lives as they please without Mom and Dad nearby making little judgements. But Mom and Dad know what's going on and they've realized there's not much they can do about it.

They still hold out hope for their kids to return to the flock but it's never to happen. The kids know too much.

It would be nicer to have them a little closer to strengthen the relationship but the kids know that comes with a price.

If not for your parents and the "dating thing" would you rather stay in Utah or the Mountain West? There are great parts of Idaho, Wyoming, Montana and Arizona that are little influenced by Mormons.

Good luck with whatever you decide. 8-)
Understood- it’s not that I don’t have a great relationship with my parents, I do. It’s more of a matter of wanting to pairbond and not finding a person who really gets me here. Non Mormon dating in Utah feels like having to choose between 2 extremes. I was thinking of a nearby state such as Arizona.
Linked wrote:
Fri May 14, 2021 10:24 am
Welcome Aphrodite!

I'm sorry you are made to feel guilty for being yourself. It sounds like you are a thoughtful person who doesn't deserve that guilt.

I think getting away from home for a while would do any young adult good to see different ways of life. In your situation I think it would be even better so you can discover yourself outside of the emotional pressure cooker here in Utah. I got out of Utah when I was young for a mission and for an internship, and the experience of other cultures was great, even though I was TBM at the time.

No judgement here if you decide to stay. We are all doing our best to get along in this life and be happy. I'm sure there is much comfort in being near family and home, even if it comes with the discomfort from faith differences.

What led you to believe differently than your family?

-Linked
What led me to believe differently... really it started in my teens. Seeds started when I’d almost obsessively read the scriptures for blessings or to feel closer to God and I wouldn’t. Or maybe it’s the countless times I cried and prayed for peace or prayed that my loved ones would pay attention to me, and that never happened. When I was a little older it was when my YW leaders never listened to me as the class president and sitting in seminary listening to my teachers tell us that all the answers were in scriptures. If we just have faith and study we’d get answers, but none of that seemed relevant to me, though I tried making it fit. The scriptures explained how the church was started, but it didn’t explain to me why it was so hard for me to make friends, or what I should do with my life to make the most impact and help others.

Into my early adulthood I had a coworker ask me why Mormons can’t have coffee, he genuinely wanted to understand the health concern. I couldn’t give him an answer better than “because our leaders told us it’s bad” and I suddenly realized how weird that sounds to someone from the outside.

Then I met a guy and we did some things we weren’t supposed to, and I felt zero guilt- I just was loving and connecting with someone. I was a sinner. And I was horrified at the thought of telling a bishop or anyone about this. Mostly because of embarrassment but also because I knew in my heart, if I had to repent for something I could do it with myself and god only, and privately. I really didn’t believe I’d need this middle aged bishop to know what I did and to deem me worthy or unworthy based on my works. I had sinned, and everything they told me I’d feel from sinning just wasn’t the case.

At this point I hadn’t read anything “anti” at all. I still believed in god or Jesus and I got an app on my phone that had a different version of the Bible and I started reading it and realized that the New Testament teaches completely different things then what the church is telling us.

I found the YouTube channel ex Mormon files and there was stories about Mormons finding a different more personal relationship with god and just getting rid of the middle man, I liked that. I had also found Mormon stories and I was just interested in listening to other peoples experiences. I would lay in bed all Sunday after church and watch those videos to help the cognitive dissonance.

There really wasn’t a single moment where I decided it wasn’t true, it was more of events like these unfolding. No fault on anyone really. My parents know I don’t go to church but I think it hurts them to see me living this way. Really from the outside it just looks like I’m inactive. I don’t intend on going to church and being apart of that, but I’m not going to remove my name from the record either. I don’t want to hurt them further by saying I don’t believe in it at all- I don’t see a need to start drama with no real reason to.

That was a longer answer then I intended but it was therapeutic in a way to reflect on it, thank you.
Red Ryder wrote:
Fri May 14, 2021 11:21 am
Welcome!

I grew up in the PNW before my family moved around a few times and ultimately ending up in Utah for my senior year of high school. I left Utah to go to college and never returned. It was a good decision.

For you, put yourself first in your decision. Don’t move to run away from Mormonism. Move to chase your dreams. After all, you have to live tour own life regardless of family pressure to live their prescribed lifestyle. Learn to be your own person now in your mid 20’s and you’ll have a long fulfilling life built for you, by you!

Family is nice to visit, but even better to leave and return to your life.

You’ll thank me in your late 40’s. 🤣
I really just want to experience the world and see what it’s about. Living here and working I couldn’t easily see my future and how boring and predictable it’d be. I want to meet people and go to school and find my place. Haha thanks.

Thoughtful
Posts: 1162
Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2017 9:54 pm

Re: Moving out of Utah

Post by Thoughtful » Sun May 16, 2021 9:26 am

Welcome!

I would not want to date in UT, especially as a woman. The misogyny from the church filters into non and ex mo dating. So yes, to pairbond, get out especially if you're female or femme.

Living away from family is good for me. My son just spent his first year away from and it was good for him, but hard in a pandemic scenario. Glad he's coming home for summer but also definitely good for him to go again this fall. And that's with him sharing our same beliefs (postmo).

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2bizE
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Re: Moving out of Utah

Post by 2bizE » Sun May 16, 2021 3:42 pm

I lived outside of Utah for a few years, and the church was best during that time. People were less judgmental. It was when I moved back to Utah that I saw how toxic the church is.
~2bizE

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moksha
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Joined: Tue Oct 18, 2016 4:22 am

Re: Moving out of Utah

Post by moksha » Sun May 16, 2021 9:43 pm

I had a theory once that life grew progressively less judgmental the further you moved from Provo, Utah. It seemed that once we arrived in Ulaanbaatar, what we were being judged for would be turned around. People would offer us a cup of coffee without fear of eternal damnation. The theory was fanciful but flawed. Those Richter Scale waves found in Provo turned out not to be from the center of the Earth but from a direct telepathic link established between the BYU Department of Religion and some mysterious coordinates tagged "Outer Darkness".
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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