Growing Up

[Linked]

I'm reading "Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life" as recommended by my therapist to find/make a solid set of core values that are strong enough to pull me through hard times and give meaning to my day to day activities. My religious beliefs used to provide that, but those have changed and don't give me much meaning anymore. The book has been pretty good. Lot's of stuff to chew on, even if it is not all capital T True. A lot of it is about the differences between what a child does and an adult does.

One line from the book really hit me about mormons and mormonism.

Growing up means we take spiritual responsibility for ourselves. No other can define our values, become our authority, or protect us from necessary choices.

There is no room in the modern incarnation of the mormon church for a grown up. The church demands that we accept their authority and their definition of values. Choices in the church are to follow the "covenant path" or be wrong.

[Ghost]

I have a friend who is the farthest thing from religious, who recently decided to define what he values in life. Making an actual list. He encouraged me to do the same thing and discuss it with him. I think this could be a valuable exercise in theory, but I find that I have a hard time even thinking in those terms these days.

I've been trying to decide why I have a sort of a mental block here. On the one hand, I think that maybe I just don't care and am content with largely "coasting" on whatever values I've borrowed or constructed over the years, not reevaluating everything just because the universe might be totally devoid of any ultimate purpose.

But on the other hand, I still do value things and care about some things a great deal. Maybe it's kind of analogous to how I've been basically "religious but not spiritual" for years now. I enjoy life and I like to do good in the world even though I suspect that there will one day be no trace that any of us ever existed.

[dogbite]

I think it's also important to recognize that this is not a one and done event. Your ideals will continue to evolve as you do. They're only as stable/stagnant as you yourself are. Think of it more as a process of refinement rather than a fixed unchangeable declaration.

[Mackman]

So true what dog bite said at age 61 I have noticed over the years is how my values have shifted. I still care about the world, my country and fellow human beings but in different ways than I used to. I think many of us grow up and realize after investigating the churches truth claims they are not what they claim to be and we become more cynical and suspicious so we look for different ways to be fulfilled and I think that is what is driving the exodus from the church.

[Linked]

Good points about our values being a journey. Trying to hold too hard to one value may prevent us from growing.

Making a list would help get a conversation going with yourself and/or others. It would not be the final word on a person's values.

For me, this effort started because I was getting really stressed out about some stuff that didn't matter so much. Back when I was a believer those beliefs would help keep me from getting too high or low about things. The best I've been able to come up with so far is that I think it's really important to be pro-social. And not just in a "smile at everyone and be compliant" sort of way, but to really care about others and work toward what is best for as many as possible (and not just on the surface; if something ends up hurting people instead of helping you need to own it, change, and fix it). This gives me an ingroup of people who are thoughtful, kind, proactive and outgroup of people who harm others physically/mentally/spiritually by action/inaction/on-purpose/by-accident. I like that.

It has proven to be a less helpful than I was hoping. This book is making me think that may just be an expression of my need for validation exacerbated by years of over-praise from my mother (better that as my mommy issues than some other things!). It's a pretty flexible standard which mostly just leaves me angry with anti-vaxxers and Trumpers instead of leading to good action on my part. And it is not powerful enough to keep me from getting too high or low; it probably makes it worse...