An alternate perspective on marriage

[Zeezrom]

Thought I’d share my story after occasionally lurking for the last 7 years or so. I see a lot of you struggling with mixed faith marriages to TBM spouses and feeling trapped and tied to a cult you can never escape.

I can offer a different perspective that a lot of time and distance and unique circumstances have afforded.

I achieved (Almost) complete freedom from the cult of Mormonism but it didn’t come cheap or easy or without great sacrifice.

I was born under the so-called covenant and grew up knowing no other world view. While I struggled with inactivity as a young adult and didn’t serve a mission, I found my footing in the church in my 20s and became a scholar in all things TBM lol. Went to a YSA ward and married a faithful sister in the temple which was really the only goal of being in a YSA ward as many of you know. In a heavy Mormon area we were led to believe that WHERE you got married was way more important in the eternal scheme than WHO you married. We got along well enough we thought. After all the church leaves you little spare time or energy when done right to really delve into personal relationships. Sure there was lots of lip service paid to strengthening families and marriage but when the husband spends all week outside the home working to support a big and growing family and half the weekend or more filling church leadership callings—-what time is there for marital bonding? And what time there is involves family prayer and scripture study so you don’t always get a real person warts and all.

Anyway I went through my shelf breaking faith crisis like all of you and stopped believing. I had been a great debater and a convincing apologetic in my little corner of the church so I found myself in the bishopric, teaching gospel doctrine, and institute at the local university. When my shelf broke I was able to use my powers of persuasion to very quickly lead my then wife out of the church with me. In a matter of months our names and kids names were removed from the records of the church at our request. To many of you struggling and trapped in a mixed faith marriage it would sound like a dream come true. Except it wasn’t.

Not going to point fingers or bash anyone. I became far less judgemental as an ex-member. All I’ll say is that when you marry someone’s testimony and marry with the temple itself as an end goal you don’t really know who you married to until that testimony and all that was wrapped up in it is stripped completely away. You’ve all heard how some TBM’s say they can’t imagine what kind of person they’d be without the gospel and there’s some truth to that—especially where lifers are concerned.

So my short term reward for getting my family out of a pernicious cult of a church was a nasty bitterly contested divorce and the loss of being in my children’s lives full time. Many dark days that led me to the brink of suicide. Again I can’t really elucidate without coming across as bashing an ex-spouse so the less said the better. My point is to be careful what you wish for and be prepared for a hell storm you can’t imagine facing when you had just a TBM spouse. Some people like Jerald and Sandra Tanner can make it through, maybe because they were soulmates with or without the church.

My story did have a happy ending and I wouldn’t change a thing about my past. I met my true soulmate who happened to also be an ex-member of a different organized religion. She made my life complete and introduced me to paganism and the Goddess based earth religion. I’d hardly call it religion though as it’s so much freer than organized religion

[moksha]

Zeezrom, welcome to NOM! Go forth in the open and lurk no more.

[Charlotte]

Thanks for your story. It’s wonderful that you’re happy now.

I guess that I do imagine a life where we‘ve both distanced ourselves from the church, which could turn out to be not pretty. But, like you said, I’m careful about what I wish for. At this point it is nothing more than my spouse’s mild interest in what I’m going through, what I believe, and why. I know it could all be worse, but the indifference does sting.

[Zeezrom]

It’s a tough conundrum and maybe impossible trying to ease someone else out of the church. If it’s done too quickly it’s like letting a wild animal out of its cage. I think a person has to go through years of deep personal turmoil and reflection to safely remove the cult mindset on their own terms. No one else can tell you it’s not true or you’ll retrench or worse

[jfro18]

Welcome to NOM, Zeezrom!

I hope you stick around - it's a fun little group which I suppose you know since you've lurked before.

You make some great points and that's something I have definitely thought about as I've tried to talk to my wife about church stuff. i guess on some level if she left the church and then decided to leave me for whatever reason I could live with it, which I know sounds awful and probably because I know it'll never happen anyway (her leaving the church).

Please hang around - we can always use new perspectives around here!

[Red Ryder]

Zeezrom!

Glad to see you back and parting wisdom.

I remember following your story on the old board and how happy you became after meeting your pagan goddess.

Everything you said is true. Life is only greener ever the septic tank.

Glad to see you stop in.

[Hagoth]

Sometimes we can only truly appreciate the roller coaster ride in retrospect, right?

I'm so glad you found a life situation that works for you. Of all of the various spiritual experiences I have had in my life the only one that involved the manifestation of a personal being came in the form of a female goddess who showed me the cosmos and said, "I created all of this for you." Disclaimer: there were mushrooms involved.

[græy]

Hi Zeezrom,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us! It is often hard in the moment to recognize that things could get worse, and if they do, its equally hard to remember that they will also likely get better. I'm happy to hear that you've found a good place after all your years.

I look forward to hearing more from you in the future!

[stuck]

Zeezrom,

Welcome to NOM! I appreciate hearing your story and am glad you found happiness after all. Hope to hear from you more later.

Stuck

[annotatedbom]

Zeezrom,

It seems we’re a little uncertain about whether you’re totally brand new to NOM. I thought I recognized your username, others are welcoming you as a newbie, and Red Ryder recognizes you from the old NOM. Regardless, welcome; glad to have you here.

Great observations by the way. I’m so glad you made it through the dark days. For any still going through real darkness, it’s good to hear that in spite of the anguish or pain, things can get better and life can become good again.

Thanks for sharing

[jfro18]

Thanks for sharing

Not to threadjack, but the Chris Cornell avatar is quite nice to see... that's my music!

[annotatedbom]

Not to threadjack, but the Chris Cornell ... that's my music!

Glad to hear there’s another here who appreciates his music. There’s something about so much of his work that speaks to me personally.

To turn it away from a possible threadjack and back to something from the OP, Cornell’s suicide underscores the tragedy of those who can’t see their way through those dark days. Thinking of that, I just want to encourage anyone struggling emotionally, or however, to reach out. You matter, and there are many great folks here and elsewhere who really care.

[Zeezrom]

I was on this board back in 2014 as ArthurDent. I left after completing my journey out of the church and stayed away when my ex kind of slandered me on the board.