One Month Down. 59 To Go.

This is for encouragement, ideas, and support for people going through a faith transition no matter where you hope to end up. This is also the place to laugh, cry, and love together.
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græy
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One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by græy » Tue Jun 01, 2021 12:29 pm

tl;dr - Being a bishop is weird.

Scheduling Holy crap Sundays are busy! I thought they were bad as a counselor, but man. It is go-go-go from 7:30am to 6:30pm and I sometimes have more phone calls after that.

Counselors. One of them wants to be bishop. He lives to climb the church hierarchy, and I think he was a little sad to be called as a counselor rather than bishop himself. He's great at reminding me of upcoming events that need planning or some amount of forethought. For that alone I'm glad to have him. It also helps out that he's almost eager to take on nearly anything I don't absolutely have to do myself since it is giving him a better taste of being bishop. Ambitions aside, he is an honest friend and he and his family are very well liked by most of the ward.

My other counselor is completely new to the church leadership thing. He is much more humble, and I suspect he's still trying to really feel like he belongs. He's been happy to help with whatever is asked, but is also happy to sit in the backseat and doesn't really care who is driving so long as it isn't him.

All in all, I'm glad I picked them. I don't have to find speakers, have only conducted sac. meeting once, and they've been pretty supportive of my proposed sacrament topics being core values rather than scriptural references or GC talks.

Stake Leadership Our stake decided to resume in person meetings with no restriction ins May. Our ward council decided to take advantage of being the last ward in the building on Sunday and have a "linger-longer" type activity. To be COVID safe it was going to be outdoors and each family was responsible for bringing their own food. But the stake killed that idea after we announced it to everyone. Apparently eating together isn't safe enough, and extra meetings on Sunday put too much strain on families. Meanwhile, the stake is serving indoor refreshments at most of their youth activities and planning stake conference meetings that take up not one full weekend, but two. :roll:

But whatever. I told the ward council that the stake said we had to cancel our plans. Much murmuring ensued.

Supporting Members We have several single mothers in our ward who are at least temporarily dependent on fast offering support. Previous bishop was very generous supporting single mothers and I will continue that trend. I am just surprised at how badly church teachings have set up women to deal with future divorce/separation or death of a spouse. When education is cut short in the name of early marriage and large families it is a recipe for disaster for those statistically significant numbers of families who don't have their imagined (and promised) happily-ever-after.

As the church has played a large hand in creating a lot of struggles for people I have also been more than happy to pay for therapy sessions for people/couples who are struggling. In my view, it is the least the church can do for creating so many of these toxic circumstances in the first place.

Youth / Young Men I really enjoy working with the youth. We had a chess tournament last week that turned out to be way more popular than I originally thought it would be. The highlight of the night was when one of the 16 year old boys lost his queen to the other players bishop and responded by yelling out "Gah! That STUPID bishop!" One of the quieter young men sitting nearby loudly whispered back "Dude, quiet. He's standing right there!" and gestured toward me. Much laughter ensued.

Heads up for anyone with youth in the church. June 13th is a lesson on avoiding pornography. I will be teaching the YM and have asked the YW president to also teach the YW from this plan...

https://www.danielaburgess.com/blog/202 ... ornography

which was created by Dr. Daniel Burgess, an actual real therapist with actual real work experience not breaking people by telling them they've already committed adultery thousands of times in their hearts.

Teaching I had to teach the 5th Sunday lesson this past weekend. It took a great deal of prep work on my end, but I think it worked out. The topic was on unity. I read a few scriptures from the New Testament, and then shared a bunch of content from actual real therapists on dealing with differences of opinion or conflict, and developing empathy. We even briefly talked about cognitive dissonance and confirmation bias. It was great. The only "testimony" I shared was how great it was to see ward members accept, support, and serve each other.

Eye Opening Conversations This was actually Mrs. Græy's experience, but I'll share anyway. She has two good friends, both members of the church. The three of them first developed their friendships when Mrs. Græy was primary president and they were her counselors. One has since moved to another ward, but the three of them still try to get together for birthdays, or girl's nights out.

A few days ago the three of them went out to dinner and the subject of my being made bishop came up. They both asked DW about the story and DW, for whatever reason, felt this was the time she wanted to completely honest about our entire situation. She has to this point in time not spoken to anyone about my lack of belief in the church.

She told them how I'd delved into church history years ago, and had a good deal of struggle while being a bishop's counselor and EQP. She told them that we were not expecting the call to be a bishop, but actually thought I was going to be chastised and/or released. When the stake president's response was simply "Church history is something I haven't had to reconcile." we were both completely shocked. DW told them how I went back and forth for days about if I felt okay accepting this call, or if doing so would just made me a hypocrite. She even went so far as to tell them to listen to what I say when I speak at the pulpit. She pointed out that I never speak about Joseph Smith and I rarely ever say anything about modern leaders or Q12, unless I need to say their name to announce an upcoming broadcast.

Apparently, at this point, one of the two friends broke down into full-on sobbing tears in the middle of the restaurant, but was refusing to explain why. Mrs. Græy was really starting to think she'd screwed up by sharing everything. But then the 2nd friend then started talking about how her own husband (who appears fully active from the outside) is also either extremely nuanced, or outright denies the church restoration. In her particular case, he still attends and goes through all the motions to support his wife and family, but they NEVER actually talk about it. It just isn't something they can bring up without arguing. Friend 2 then suggested that their family would start looking for houses within our ward.

Once friend 2 finished her story, friend 1 finally calmed down enough to say that she herself has struggled with church history, mostly polygamy, for her entire adult life. Her own husband refuses to engage in any discussion about church history with her and so she has simply kept it all to herself for nearly a decade. Later on in the car with just the two of them, friend 1 told DW that over the years while she has been in multiple presidencies and on the ward council herself, she has felt trapped and scared to ask about or discuss her concerns with anyone. But when she learned about my stance, she finally felt like someone might be at least willing to listen without condemning her.

Mrs. Græy sent both of her friends a link to David Ostler's book Bridges, and a link to the Marriage on a Tightrope podcast. As for what impact that conversation had on Mrs. Græy, I'm still trying to unravel that.

So, good times. Mostly. Some frustrating moments for sure.
Well, I'm better than dirt! Ah, well... most kinds of dirt; not that fancy store-bought dirt; that stuff is loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff. -Moe Sizlack

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Linked
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by Linked » Tue Jun 01, 2021 1:21 pm

Thanks for the update Græy, sounds like you have been busy. It is heartening to hear how much of a difference you have been able to make in just 1 month, the members of your ward are lucky to have you.

That experience for your DW sounds really big; for her, for you, and for her friend. After years of feeling all alone at church, hearing that there are sympathetic people is life-changing.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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Ghost
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by Ghost » Tue Jun 01, 2021 3:31 pm

Thanks for sharing. I'm sure every ward has at least a few active but nuanced or non-believing members. Probably more than you'd expect.

I encountered someone who had been in my ward previously at a Mormon Stories event (this was years ago when they briefly held those) who told me they'd never have guessed I'd be the type to entertain such ideas. Which made me wonder how I might ever identify other locals I might be able to have an open discussion with. I'll bet I knew (and still know) at least a few but if so I've never been able to identify them. And now I'm afraid I'm too far gone for it to really be helpful (though it still could be fun).

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Red Ryder
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by Red Ryder » Tue Jun 01, 2021 5:13 pm

Love the update!

Please continue the count down format and you have yourself a journal. :lol:

I’m amazed at how many people have issues but don’t have anyone to talk to about it. Hope your DW can become an ally and support her friends.
“It always devolves to Pantaloons. Always.” ~ Fluffy

“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga

“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg

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jfro18
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by jfro18 » Tue Jun 01, 2021 6:44 pm

I love these updates - please keep them up if it helps you process and remember your time as bishop!

I am amazed at how many members there are that don't believe. There are very few Mormons around here, and yet I have made friends with 4 people who have recently left - mostly because they found each other not believing and got the courage to kind of dive into the history which led them to walk away.

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wtfluff
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by wtfluff » Tue Jun 01, 2021 6:54 pm

This is one awesome Graey-Bispo update!

I shall look forward to the future updates.

The part about un-believing friends confirms my own confirmation bias about active un-believers. Thanks for that. :|

And... For your own, and your families sake, I really do hope that you don't actually complete the 60-month sentence. (I'm not saying you won't do a wonderful job, I'm saying I don't think it's worth the toll on you and your family. Then again, if it turns out you actually enjoy doing time, more power to you. :D )
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus

IDKSAF -RubinHighlander

You can surrender without a prayer...

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moksha
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by moksha » Wed Jun 02, 2021 5:49 am

I predicted that Græy would be a great bishop and the prediction is holding true. I attribute that to having watched many episodes of Elder Perry Mason, Attorney-at-Law, and being able to imitate the sounds from Law and Order.
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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FreeFallin
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by FreeFallin » Wed Jun 02, 2021 6:13 am

Bishop Graey, Thank you for taking on such an intensive position and serving your Mormon community with such love and awesomeness. You are already making a significant difference for members just by being you. I wish you the best as you continue forward.

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2bizE
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by 2bizE » Wed Jun 02, 2021 9:01 am

Wonder work you are doing. Keep delegating so you can have a life outside of church.
Perhaps wearing a tapir lapel or pin will be a signal to other nuanced members. Or a LGBTQ 🏳️🌈 pin.
~2bizE

stuck
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by stuck » Wed Jun 02, 2021 11:09 am

Good work Graey, keep it up!

I don't know how you do what you do, but that's great if you can keep doing it as long as it doesn't negatively affect you or your family.

God speed! (I like how Deacon blues has that quote "God is truth, God is love")

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1smartdodog
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by 1smartdodog » Wed Jun 02, 2021 2:09 pm

Your not a hypocrite if you are using your position to help others and you can retain generally honesty along the way.

A real hypocrite would be someone who is doing it for power and prestige.


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“Five percent of the people think; ten percent of the people think they think; and the other eighty-five percent would rather die than think.”
― Thomas A. Edison

Mackman
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by Mackman » Wed Jun 02, 2021 2:48 pm

Way to go graey !!! You are difinetly doing service work in your new calling, please keep it up is needed more than you know. God Bless.

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A New Name
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by A New Name » Wed Jun 02, 2021 4:10 pm

Bishop, you should have gave a "Triger warning" at the start of your post! My PTDS returned when you talked about your long Sundays! :lol:

Give everything you can to your councilors, wear them out, then changes then every 2 years to a fresh batch. It will make your life much better.

Once a 70 came to Stake Conf, and spoke just to the Bishops Sat afternoon. He said that the Q15 wanted to make sure that all bishops when released still had a job and a wife, and that they were seeing far too many that were losing one or the other for prioritizing thier calling over wife/job. He said that the average length of service of bishops world wide was only 3.5 years because they moved out of the ward due to the strain of the calling!

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moksha
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by moksha » Wed Jun 02, 2021 7:58 pm

2bizE wrote:
Wed Jun 02, 2021 9:01 am
Wonder work you are doing. Keep delegating so you can have a life outside of church.
Perhaps wearing a tapir lapel or pin will be a signal to other nuanced members. Or an LGBTQ 🏳️🌈 pin.
A simple rainbow banner for the podium would work wonders.
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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Hagoth
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by Hagoth » Thu Jun 03, 2021 5:49 am

Thanks for taking the time to give us an update! I think a church-wide policy of only calling post-faith-crisis bishops would make everything better for everyone.
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” -Mark Twain

Jesus: "The Kingdom of God is within you." The Buddha: "Be your own light."

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Corsair
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by Corsair » Thu Jun 03, 2021 4:19 pm

græy wrote:
Tue Jun 01, 2021 12:29 pm
tl;dr - Being a bishop is weird.
Græy, this is an amazing update and I am endlessly thankful that you are taking this on this astonishing challenge. Thank you so much for providing updates to us. I cannot conceive how I could possibly assist you, but if you ever think I could help you out, please let me know.

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Red Ryder
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by Red Ryder » Thu Jun 03, 2021 4:35 pm

Corsair wrote:
Thu Jun 03, 2021 4:19 pm
græy wrote:
Tue Jun 01, 2021 12:29 pm
tl;dr - Being a bishop is weird.
Græy, this is an amazing update and I am endlessly thankful that you are taking this on this astonishing challenge. Thank you so much for providing updates to us. I cannot conceive how I could possibly assist you, but if you ever think I could help you out, please let me know.
Oh, oh, oh, I know, I know!?

Maybe you could build a discussion board website patterned after NOM that members of Bishop Graey’s ward can join and discuss their testimony issues and concerns anonymously. You know with fun avatars and stuff.

He’d get pretty good feedback about Stake and ward activities and know with a perfect knowledge who actually LIKES Sister Smith’s meatloaf! :lol:
“It always devolves to Pantaloons. Always.” ~ Fluffy

“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga

“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg

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wtfluff
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by wtfluff » Thu Jun 03, 2021 5:46 pm

Red Ryder wrote:
Thu Jun 03, 2021 4:35 pm
... and know with a perfect knowledge who actually LIKES Sister Smith’s meatloaf! :lol:
NOW I'm going to have to update my fake apostate calling to: Ward Funeral-Potatoe and Meatloaf Specialist™.

Many thanks to RR and Enough for inspiration on how to answer "What's you calling?" questions.
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus

IDKSAF -RubinHighlander

You can surrender without a prayer...

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MoPag
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by MoPag » Fri Jun 04, 2021 3:37 pm

You. Are. Killing. It!!!!!!

Way to go Bishop G!!!
...walked eye-deep in hell
believing in old men’s lies...--Ezra Pound

hmb
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Re: One Month Down. 59 To Go.

Post by hmb » Sat Jun 05, 2021 4:57 am

græy wrote:
Tue Jun 01, 2021 12:29 pm

Counselors. One of them wants to be bishop. He lives to climb the church hierarchy, and I think he was a little sad to be called as a counselor rather than bishop himself.



As the church has played a large hand in creating a lot of struggles for people I have also been more than happy to pay for therapy sessions for people/couples who are struggling. In my view, it is the least the church can do for creating so many of these toxic circumstances in the first place.

I've always been very suspicious of anyone who WANTS to be a bishop. I have one sibling who was jealous of the other sibling that was called as bishop. The brother who was bishop did not want that calling. The other loved the idea of being respected and adored. Power hungry.


Do the therapy sessions, paid by the church, have to be LDS therapists? It's better to separate therapy from the church, but I'm surprised if they are willing to pay for non-LDS therapist sessions.


I enjoy reading about your wife's experience. It's sad that so many have to play pretend while struggling with their, or their spouse's, doubts. It's refreshing to read of a supportive setting where your believing wife can share with close friends and help them feel so not alone.

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