You are not welcome

[azflyer]

After watching seven younger siblings all get married in the temple, my youngest brother is finally getting married. And for the first time, with no TR, I am not welcome to see my brother be married. I talked to my brother a few months ago and gently suggested he consider doing a civil ceremony first, which is now "legal" in the church process. He said that his fiancé and he had considered it, but they think it will be "more special" this way. I don't fault him for thinking this way. He's young. He's twitterpated. And this is all he's ever known. I really should not have expected him to do anything different.

They're getting sealed early in the AM on a Saturday. We aren't even going to the temple. Why would we? So I can sit outside and feel like a second class citizen? So I can babysit my 20-something nieces and nephews? Neither my wife, nor any of my own five kids want anything to do with the church anymore.

It's just frustrating that something that should be a happy time will turn into a sad occasion for both the believers and the non-believers. The believers will mourn our absence, and we will mourn our loss as well. I never really understood before when people without TR's said that the church divided families. But I understand now. And now I'm embarrassed that I couldn't see it sooner. Why did it take me being in this position before I could recognize this?

[Zeezrom]

After watching seven younger siblings all get married in the temple, my youngest brother is finally getting married. And for the first time, with no TR, I am not welcome to see my brother be married. I talked to my brother a few months ago and gently suggested he consider doing a civil ceremony first, which is now "legal" in the church process. He said that his fiancé and he had considered it, but they think it will be "more special" this way. I don't fault him for thinking this way. He's young. He's twitterpated. And this is all he's ever known. I really should not have expected him to do anything different.

They're getting sealed early in the AM on a Saturday. We aren't even going to the temple. Why would we? So I can sit outside and feel like a second class citizen? So I can babysit my 20-something nieces and nephews? Neither my wife, nor any of my own five kids want anything to do with the church anymore.

It's just frustrating that something that should be a happy time will turn into a sad occasion for both the believers and the non-believers. The believers will mourn our absence, and we will mourn our loss as well. I never really understood before when people without TR's said that the church divided families. But I understand now. And now I'm embarrassed that I couldn't see it sooner. Why did it take me being in this position before I could recognize this?

I think as a TBM you don’t see this as unfairness at all but totally fair and justified. Being a TBM is often a hard life full of doing meaningless rituals, sitting through long boring meetings, reading the same damn Book of Mormon passages for the hundredth time, praying hours into thin air, paying a full tithe and generous offerings, denying yourself any fun on the sabbath, avoiding any hint of “feel good” beverages, feeling like your immortal soul is in peril if you don’t share the gospel and enlighten all you meet, feeling guilty over every “lustful” thought etc..etc…etc…

If people could get away with just living life however they want and still share the same privileges like attending temple weddings—-that would just suck big time. Faithful membership is supposed to have its privileges or what’s the point??

[deacon blues]

I've been on both sides: as a TBM and as a Doubter on the outside looking in, and I would like to add a big AMEN.

[Red Ryder]

Been there.

The mind games were bad enough. I stayed home and didn’t play the waiting game. Showed up later at the luncheon and reception. Walking in gave me anxiety from thinking everyone was going to ask why I wasn’t there. Only one guy did because he wasn’t there either. In reality everyone silently judged.

Mormonism... where your own underage siblings, unworthy uncles, and non-member grandmas can’t attend your wedding.

Jesus Christ your church is stupid!

[wtfluff]

Sorry Flyer.

Like most others here, I've been there, done that.

Personally, at this point I truly can't understand your brother's thinking, but then, I'm a heathen.

In my experience, no-one will dare to mention you're absence, but if they do, make sure to tell them: "I wasn't invited." The stunned silence you will receive is deafening.

[azflyer]

In my experience, no-one will dare to mention you're absence, but if they do, make sure to tell them: "I wasn't invited." The stunned silence you will receive is deafening.

I like that. It's the truth. I was not invited.

[azflyer]

In reality everyone silently judged.

[jfro18]

I'm so sorry.

I was a convert so when we got married I insisted on a civil wedding first and DW never pushed back on it at all. The idea of telling me family they couldn't be there was just something I was unwilling to do, and I found that to be problematic from the get go.

[moksha]

He's young. He's twitterpated. And this is all he's ever known.

I love your use of words!

Snubbing family members and friends through restrictive rituals can indeed be hurtful and drive wedges into families. I have been hurt by even reading about the pain of parents missing their daughter's wedding because of this.

[Corsair]

They're getting sealed early in the AM on a Saturday. We aren't even going to the temple. Why would we? So I can sit outside and feel like a second class citizen? So I can babysit my 20-something nieces and nephews? Neither my wife, nor any of my own five kids want anything to do with the church anymore.

Were you offered the chance to babysit multiple children outside the temple? It's amazing that the church functionally expects children to wait outside the temple where there is no playground or anything else to do. And if you are in an AZ temple then it's going to be hot and uncomfortable waiting outside in the August sun.

[moksha]

Wonder if the Temple workers in SLC are ever tempted to sing the Rawhide song in between sealings:

Keep movin', movin', movin'
Though they're disapprovin'
Keep them Mormons movin', rawhide

Move 'em on, seal 'em up
Seal 'em up, move 'em on
Move 'em on, Seal 'em up, rawhide

[Linked]

I'm sorry azflyer, that sucks.

I used to see the temples as beacons of goodness and hope, but now they are a reminder of the unwarranted control the church has over the lives of so many people in my life, and over me by extension. It's Orwellian.

Hang in there when the wedding comes.

[DPRoberts]

There's a reason there is a market for these. "Said and did" would be a bit more more complete.

https://www.amazon.com/SORRY-WHAT-MORMO ... B07CVSM9XK

I have also been on both sides. The last time I had a recommend it was to attend one niece's wedding. And while her mother (my sister) thanked me for supporting her daughter, it really was a no win situation when the flip side of being in the temple is witnessing the injustice of those being kept outside. I missed the latest niece's sealing, but then, so did her (semi-active Mormon) parents.

We all live and (hopefully) learn. Someday your brother may realize the apology he owes to those close family who were excluded. In the meantime, your NOM family is here.

[Wonderment]

Excluding loved ones and friends from ceremonies that mark a major passage in life is one of the cruelest actions the church can take. And it is deliberate. It's intentional. Hopefully, later on in life, your brother will realize that.

I agree w/ Fluff. Turn it back on them, and make them own it. It's not about you; it's about them. It's doubtful that anyone would ask where you were, however if someone brings it up, tell them kindly, but point blank. "I wasn't invited." The person who questioned you will immediately change the topic and never mention it again. I'm so sorry that anyone, especially you, has to be a target of this spiritual abuse. But it's the church's problem, and forcing families apart on a wedding day is their issue. -- Wndr.

[azflyer]

As I sit at my keyboard this morning, my family, my brother, my parents, and three of my children are gathering outside the temple to celebrate the wedding of my brother to his new wife; did I make the right decision?
Am I just being petty?
Why didn't I just fake another TR interview?
Why didn't I just suck it up and go?
What are they all thinking of me?
Why do I care so much?
Why can't I just let it go?
Why didn't my brother just do a civil ceremony first?
Why do I feel my blood boiling?
What am I going to say to people at the reception tonight?
Should I answer questions with quippy pre-planned responses that are meant to sting?
Should I be the "bigger person", and just deflect?

I hate all of these questions. I hate that they even have to be questions. I hate that this "gospel" that is supposed to unite families is making me feel like I'm not part of my own family. I hate that what should be one of the happiest moments for our family is turning into this disgusting frustrating moment for me.

After his wedding, my brother and his new wife are moving out of state. There is a good chance today will be the last day the entire "Flyer" clan is all in one place together. There are 10 of us kids. We're all married now. We live in four different metro areas spread across three different states. Grand kids keep getting older. It's very likely all of my parents decedents will never be in one place together again. And I feel like I mucked up the whole day because I couldn't go stand outside a stupid overpriced building that I'm not allowed to go into.

[Angel]

As I sit at my keyboard this morning, my family, my brother, my parents, and three of my children are gathering outside the temple to celebrate the wedding of my brother to his new wife; did I make the right decision?
Am I just being petty?
Why didn't I just fake another TR interview?
Why didn't I just suck it up and go?
What are they all thinking of me?
Why do I care so much?
Why can't I just let it go?
Why didn't my brother just do a civil ceremony first?
Why do I feel my blood boiling?
What am I going to say to people at the reception tonight?
Should I answer questions with quippy pre-planned responses that are meant to sting?
Should I be the "bigger person", and just deflect?

I hate all of these questions. I hate that they even have to be questions. I hate that this "gospel" that is supposed to unite families is making me feel like I'm not part of my own family. I hate that what should be one of the happiest moments for our family is turning into this disgusting frustrating moment for me.

After his wedding, my brother and his new wife are moving out of state. There is a good chance today will be the last day the entire "Flyer" clan is all in one place together. There are 10 of us kids. We're all married now. We live in four different metro areas spread across three different states. Grand kids keep getting older. It's very likely all of my parents decedents will never be in one place together again. And I feel like I mucked up the whole day because I couldn't go stand outside a stupid overpriced building that I'm not allowed to go into.

If it is any consolation, you have now shown yourself to be the go-to guy for anyone else in your family who needs out of the cult. Every family needs someone to be the first out. Every family needs a "safe" person to get help when needed. Keep being that pioneer. I'm sure there will be dinners? Get-togethers afterwards? Buck up, go with kindness and strength . Big hugs!!

[Palerider]

None of my family was able to attend our wedding. Neither were my wife's parents. Her father was not a member and he had always dreamed of walking his daughter down the aisle to give her away at a nice church ceremony.

The LDS church took that dream away from him.

He later joined the church partly I think because he could see that he was going to miss his son's wedding as well.

Ironically, he was never able to tell his mother (a good Presbyterian woman) that he had joined the LDS church. It would have wounded her deeply.

It's all a little crazy when it comes to the LDS church.

But you, AZflyer.....you stood up for what you believe and that is to be admired.

[Deepthinker]

I'm sorry you had to experience that az. The church is all about bringing families together, unless you're not part of the "in group".

People in the church say they want you to be there, that you're invited...but the real message is that you aren't invited, that you're unclean and we don't want you making the temple "dirty" with your sins. It's an awful belief, and a damaging message.

It's why I fought so hard just to have a temple recommend for my daughter's wedding earlier this year. I wasn't going to allow the church to take that opportunity away from me.

[Tangent]

So sorry to hear about this. And to think you won't (likely) get any sympathy from members. My perception is that most of them think that we get what we deserve

Heartfelt wishes to you as you work through this pain and get back to a good place.