My Update

This is for encouragement, ideas, and support for people going through a faith transition no matter where you hope to end up. This is also the place to laugh, cry, and love together.
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stealthbishop
Posts: 399
Joined: Sun Sep 09, 2018 9:25 am

My Update

Post by stealthbishop » Thu Sep 09, 2021 9:22 am

Hey everyone,

Some of you know me and others don’t. I thought I’d give an update. My wife was moderately orthodox up until maybe 5 months ago. I had basically dug in for the long haul expecting to try to make it work as best as I could. I had been teaching GD for about 3-4 years. I enjoyed it. With the NT, I integrated a lot of my interest in historical, critical analysis but also supporting the typical devotional comments of the class as well so it was a nice blend. I had mentally given up on the general leadership. I focused more on what I could locally contribute to make our ward a better place. But basically we found out that one of our adult children probably came out of their church experience with religious trauma syndrome. Not sexual abuse or anything like that but basically traumatized by the excessive emphasis of purity culture. Modesty. Shame-based and fear-based messages about sex and chastity over the course of many years which to my utter disappointment and sadness, I was not able to mitigate for them. When my wife found out that our child needed professional help to recover, her shelf basically broke. We discontinued our callings and pulled away. We wanted to focus on our children. We wanted to send an unequivocal signal that they were more important than the church. Our child is doing better now. Our relationship with them is back on track and our other children are doing okay. It’s been really choppy for DW because this came really suddenly whereas I came on this NOM board way back in like 2011. We attend occasionally to see friends. Garments are gone. Dream come true for me. My quality of life got immeasurably better. DW has had more problems of struggle but interestingly E. Holland’s BYU talk helped her immensely to become secure and that she had made the right decision. I never thought it would happen. We are all doing better individually and as a family. All of our children were non-believers which was a big source of pain for DW. Now she doesn’t feel like she has to fight to bring them back in the fold. It’s been a CRAZY few months. I really can’t believe it.
"Take second best
Put me to the test
Things on your chest
You need to confess"

-Depeche Mode

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wtfluff
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Location: Worshiping Gravity / Pulling Taffy

Re: My Update

Post by wtfluff » Thu Sep 09, 2021 10:22 am

Stealth!!!

SO good to read your words again. Hope you will continue to grace our presence.




♫ ♫ Someone to hear your prayers, someone who cares... ♫ ♫
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus

IDKSAF -RubinHighlander

You can surrender without a prayer...

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DPRoberts
Posts: 391
Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 6:48 pm

Re: My Update

Post by DPRoberts » Thu Sep 09, 2021 10:33 am

Thanks for the update, Stealth. 2011 was when I joined the old board and your posts were very helpful for me. I am still caught in the mixed faith marriage system with my wife the only holdout with our immediate family. I hope to have her let go of the burden of bringing us all back as I feel that could take a long term toll on her mental health. If she still finds benefit in the rest of it, so be it.

The nonsense the church did after Obergefell in 2015 forced my hand with my youngest daughter where I had to make sure she knew I would put my kids ahead of the church if it came to that. The rest had already left by then.
When an honest man discovers he is mistaken, he will either cease to be mistaken or cease to be honest. -anon
The belief that there is only one truth, and that oneself is in possession of it, is the root of all evil in the world. -Max Born

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fetchface
Posts: 123
Joined: Wed Oct 19, 2016 6:45 pm

Re: My Update

Post by fetchface » Thu Sep 09, 2021 11:17 am

Hey, I remember you!

I don't post much here anymore either but browse when I'm bored.

My formerly TBM wife finally had her issues boil to the surface earlier this year and left. I think the issue that just pushed her over the edge was that she had direct knowledge that a currently serving bishop had molested a little girl as a teen. She wrote three letters to the church to inform them and they never contacted her for more information and the man continues in that calling to this day. So I think the pandemic slowdown allowed it to really sink in that the church just doesn't take abuse prevention seriously. Plus, all of the other nagging issues she had and now had time to really think about and digest.

I about died the night she told me, "I think I'm done with the church." Totally came out of nowhere for me.

Anyway, really happy for you. It has been nice for me to just not care about the church and to watch my daughters wear what they want and talk like they want (i.e. cuss and show their shoulders). Oh, and have cocktails with the wife. That's fun.
Ubi Dubium Ibi Libertas
My blog: http://untanglingmybrain.blogspot.com/

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Red Ryder
Posts: 4144
Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2016 5:14 pm

Re: My Update

Post by Red Ryder » Thu Sep 09, 2021 11:28 am

Thanks for the update!

In many ways my wife has mirrored yours in terms of progressive thinking including support for LGBT and toxic shame induced by the church. Yet she holds on.

Someday...

I hope the church continues to lose the best and brightest Like you and your wife. Your posts and participation in NOM back in 2013 and 2014 were so helpful. It’s too bad we can’t have some type of reunion and all meet in person for the first time.
“It always devolves to Pantaloons. Always.” ~ Fluffy

“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga

“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg

Charlotte
Posts: 87
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 4:35 pm

Re: My Update

Post by Charlotte » Thu Sep 09, 2021 12:06 pm

stealthbishop wrote:
Thu Sep 09, 2021 9:22 am
Hey everyone,

But basically we found out that one of our adult children probably came out of their church experience with religious trauma syndrome. Not sexual abuse or anything like that but basically traumatized by the excessive emphasis of purity culture. Modesty. Shame-based and fear-based messages about sex and chastity over the course of many years which to my utter disappointment and sadness, I was not able to mitigate for them.
Yes. In addition to my own issues/faith crisis, I ran smack-dab into the realization of what church teachings had done to my kids. It was all under the surface. Looking at it from the outside, they were chipper and active, following the program. So the conversations after them pulling away from the church were pretty painful for me. I felt badly that I hadn’t run more interference for them.

hmb
Posts: 452
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2017 6:43 am

Re: My Update

Post by hmb » Fri Sep 10, 2021 5:14 am

I'm happy to hear your wife is joining you, and that she won't have to deal with a TBM husband/kids. Still, she's had the rug pulled out and now must deal with the painful fall. That's what happened to me. I was so mad, sad, disappointed, and relieved. Has she read any of the comments here or online of others' dealing with the same? That was always helpful while healing.

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Hagoth
Posts: 7076
Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2016 1:13 pm

Re: My Update

Post by Hagoth » Fri Sep 10, 2021 6:50 am

Really great to hear from you, Stealth! I hope we'll see you around here more often. But on the other hand, it sounds like you probably don't need us anymore. Still, it's always nice to feel welcomed and appreciated in your old ward.
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” -Mark Twain

Jesus: "The Kingdom of God is within you." The Buddha: "Be your own light."

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jfro18
Posts: 2064
Joined: Mon Apr 23, 2018 8:41 pm

Re: My Update

Post by jfro18 » Fri Sep 10, 2021 9:03 am

These stories are always encouraging to see... I haven't been here nearly as long as you so it's nice to see there can be light at the end of the tunnel.

And I hope you stick around and let us know how it's going as she transitions. I always have hoped my wife would entertain that the church might not be true, but I always wonder what the actual outcome of that would be.

Glad to hear a success story - they are always needed around here!

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RubinHighlander
Posts: 1906
Joined: Tue Nov 08, 2016 7:20 am
Location: Behind the Zion Curtain

Re: My Update

Post by RubinHighlander » Fri Sep 10, 2021 10:36 am

What a great thing it is, to see one of our friends here reach escape velocity with his family! Congrats!!!

But as we all know, many years in that cult come at a great cost, mentally and financially. I think my DW and I will have issues to wrangle with the rest of our lives because of TSSC. But we've found such amazing joy, love and true emotion now and it's ours! We've experienced the absolute best days of our lives, free from the mormon matrix.
“Sir,' I said to the universe, 'I exist.' 'That,' said the universe, 'creates no sense of obligation in me whatsoever.”
--Douglas Adams

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzmYP3PbfXE

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Ghost
Posts: 414
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2016 11:40 pm

Re: My Update

Post by Ghost » Fri Sep 10, 2021 10:57 am

Nice to see you check in. Here are two quality DM remixes you might like, if you haven't heard them.

Should be Higher (MAPS Remix)
Wrong (Thin White Duke Remix)

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Angel
Posts: 762
Joined: Thu May 31, 2018 8:26 am

Re: My Update

Post by Angel » Fri Sep 10, 2021 4:02 pm

Good to hear story of someone supporting their kiddo above supporting the church. Congratulations on everyone escaping the cult.
“You have learned something...That always feels at first as if you have lost something.” George Bernard Shaw
When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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