NOM

Hey everyone,

Some of you know me and others don’t. I thought I’d give an update. My wife was moderately orthodox up until maybe 5 months ago. I had basically dug in for the long haul expecting to try to make it work as best as I could. I had been teaching GD for about 3-4 years. I enjoyed it. With the NT, I integrated a lot of my interest in historical, critical analysis but also supporting the typical devotional comments of the class as well so it was a nice blend. I had mentally given up on the general leadership. I focused more on what I could locally contribute to make our ward a better place. But basically we found out that one of our adult children probably came out of their church experience with religious trauma syndrome. Not sexual abuse or anything like that but basically traumatized by the excessive emphasis of purity culture. Modesty. Shame-based and fear-based messages about sex and chastity over the course of many years which to my utter disappointment and sadness, I was not able to mitigate for them. When my wife found out that our child needed professional help to recover, her shelf basically broke. We discontinued our callings and pulled away. We wanted to focus on our children. We wanted to send an unequivocal signal that they were more important than the church. Our child is doing better now. Our relationship with them is back on track and our other children are doing okay. It’s been really choppy for DW because this came really suddenly whereas I came on this NOM board way back in like 2011. We attend occasionally to see friends. Garments are gone. Dream come true for me. My quality of life got immeasurably better. DW has had more problems of struggle but interestingly E. Holland’s BYU talk helped her immensely to become secure and that she had made the right decision. I never thought it would happen. We are all doing better individually and as a family. All of our children were non-believers which was a big source of pain for DW. Now she doesn’t feel like she has to fight to bring them back in the fold. It’s been a CRAZY few months. I really can’t believe it.

Stealth!!!

SO good to read your words again. Hope you will continue to grace our presence.




♫ ♫ Someone to hear your prayers, someone who cares... ♫ ♫

Thanks for the update, Stealth. 2011 was when I joined the old board and your posts were very helpful for me. I am still caught in the mixed faith marriage system with my wife the only holdout with our immediate family. I hope to have her let go of the burden of bringing us all back as I feel that could take a long term toll on her mental health. If she still finds benefit in the rest of it, so be it.

The nonsense the church did after Obergefell in 2015 forced my hand with my youngest daughter where I had to make sure she knew I would put my kids ahead of the church if it came to that. The rest had already left by then.

Hey, I remember you!

I don't post much here anymore either but browse when I'm bored.

My formerly TBM wife finally had her issues boil to the surface earlier this year and left. I think the issue that just pushed her over the edge was that she had direct knowledge that a currently serving bishop had molested a little girl as a teen. She wrote three letters to the church to inform them and they never contacted her for more information and the man continues in that calling to this day. So I think the pandemic slowdown allowed it to really sink in that the church just doesn't take abuse prevention seriously. Plus, all of the other nagging issues she had and now had time to really think about and digest.

I about died the night she told me, "I think I'm done with the church." Totally came out of nowhere for me.

Anyway, really happy for you. It has been nice for me to just not care about the church and to watch my daughters wear what they want and talk like they want (i.e. cuss and show their shoulders). Oh, and have cocktails with the wife. That's fun.

Thanks for the update!

In many ways my wife has mirrored yours in terms of progressive thinking including support for LGBT and toxic shame induced by the church. Yet she holds on.

Someday...

I hope the church continues to lose the best and brightest Like you and your wife. Your posts and participation in NOM back in 2013 and 2014 were so helpful. It’s too bad we can’t have some type of reunion and all meet in person for the first time.

stealthbishop wrote: ↑

Thu Sep 09, 2021 9:22 am

Hey everyone,

But basically we found out that one of our adult children probably came out of their church experience with religious trauma syndrome. Not sexual abuse or anything like that but basically traumatized by the excessive emphasis of purity culture. Modesty. Shame-based and fear-based messages about sex and chastity over the course of many years which to my utter disappointment and sadness, I was not able to mitigate for them.

Yes. In addition to my own issues/faith crisis, I ran smack-dab into the realization of what church teachings had done to my kids. It was all under the surface. Looking at it from the outside, they were chipper and active, following the program. So the conversations after them pulling away from the church were pretty painful for me. I felt badly that I hadn’t run more interference for them.

I'm happy to hear your wife is joining you, and that she won't have to deal with a TBM husband/kids. Still, she's had the rug pulled out and now must deal with the painful fall. That's what happened to me. I was so mad, sad, disappointed, and relieved. Has she read any of the comments here or online of others' dealing with the same? That was always helpful while healing.

Really great to hear from you, Stealth! I hope we'll see you around here more often. But on the other hand, it sounds like you probably don't need us anymore. Still, it's always nice to feel welcomed and appreciated in your old ward.

These stories are always encouraging to see... I haven't been here nearly as long as you so it's nice to see there can be light at the end of the tunnel.

And I hope you stick around and let us know how it's going as she transitions. I always have hoped my wife would entertain that the church might not be true, but I always wonder what the actual outcome of that would be.

Glad to hear a success story - they are always needed around here!

What a great thing it is, to see one of our friends here reach escape velocity with his family! Congrats!!!

But as we all know, many years in that cult come at a great cost, mentally and financially. I think my DW and I will have issues to wrangle with the rest of our lives because of TSSC. But we've found such amazing joy, love and true emotion now and it's ours! We've experienced the absolute best days of our lives, free from the mormon matrix.

Nice to see you check in. Here are two quality DM remixes you might like, if you haven't heard them.

Should be Higher (MAPS Remix)
Wrong (Thin White Duke Remix)

Good to hear story of someone supporting their kiddo above supporting the church. Congratulations on everyone escaping the cult.