It’s been saved a few other places. A classic!!
The Holy Ghost is A Pussy by Lloyd Dobler
The Holy Ghost is a pussy. Oh yea, I said it. The holy ghost sucks my ass. He is a loser. He is selfish and he obviously does not do his job. The holy ghost drops the ball every chance he gets. Pass him the ball and you can count on him to throw it into the stands and leave the building.
Ever notice how the holy ghost gets out of dodge at the first sign of trouble? I mean is he THAT sensitive? Why do we constantly have to talk about NOT offending the holy ghost? I mean isn’t the dude like millions of years old at this point? Has he not seen it all? I guess not because it seems he still runs for cover when like a 14 year old boy is playing violent video games or looking at a naked lady. Jesus Christ the holy ghost is invisible, how many naked ladies do you think he has seen at this point? But no, that kid, who just killed another dude playing black ops or is looking at some chick in a Victoria’s Secret catalog, he is on his own because like Elvis, the holy ghost has left the building. Imagine being in a foxhole with the holy ghost. He is your best buddy. Telling jokes, saying how we are going to get those guys and then as soon as the bullets start firing, you look to your right and he is……………..gonzo. I mean if the HG is not around after say 10 minutes of “sin” and working hard to get you to stop or whatever, what good it HE?
Were we not all given the gift of the holy ghost? Some gift. If it only helps out when you are righteous and not when you are making mistakes I mean, what good is he? And another thing, so say I steal the proverbial candy bar, yeah that’s right, the f-ing candy bar and the holy ghost, well, he is grieved and he bails faster than Usain Bolt coming out of the blocks…….when does he come back? Oh, that’s right, I have to beg for him to come back, I have to plead…………and for what, so the dude can come back and be with me until I make a mistake again? Yeah, that sounds good because I will probably be making another mistake in about…………..wait for it…………wait for it……..5 minutes. Thanks a lot holy ghost, you dumb ass.
And why won’t he do his freaking job? I remember praying each night in the MTC, crying and begging God to let me know the book and the church were true…….nothing. No wonder the New Era put out that fake story last year about the girl who read and prayed about the book 4 TIMES and never got an answer………the 5th time? What does she do? She decides she does not even have to pray because she simply already knows its true. Nice work holy ghost. Finally, on the bottom bunk at the MTC, I had worked myself up into such an emotional state and while laying in bed, trying to stare inside my own body for an answer, finally I just said, ok, I have been answered. What a bunch of shit. But no, the holy ghost is an equal opportunity pussy because did he ever answer any of my investigators when they tried out Moroni’s promise? Nope.
I distinctly remember my first discussion and that we challenged her to read the scriptures and do Moroni’s promise. After the discussion, I told my comp how it is basically game over and she is going to get dunked. Well, guess f-ing what? We go back and lo and behold she said she did not feel anything………I mean where the hell were you holy ghost? Were you out playing cards with Light of Christ or something? After about six months I realized it was not because they were sinning or not even trying the promise, I realized the holy ghost just was not answering them. I wised up and totally soft sold Moroni’s promise and focused more on dunking them for social and personality reasons. That was a lot easier than relying on the laziest member of the god head, the holy ghost. I had one girl my whole mission out of over a hundred people who said she got a spiritual confirmation that the book was true. Less than 1% success rate. I mean door to door fliers have yield a higher rate of return than the holy ghost.
I love it when people get up to speak in church, in any church setting and they HOPE and PRAY the holy ghost will be with them…….wtf? Shouldn’t the holy ghost ALREADY be with them? I mean is it that hard to get the holy ghost just to show up? Maybe we should ask him what treats he likes and just leave a bowl of them up on the podium of the chapel. People would be like, “hey, what is with the bowl of yellow only M&Ms?” and the bishop would be like, “well, we got a letter from the first presidency saying that the holy ghost likes, M&Ms, but only the yellow ones, if the bowl has any brown or red ones, he gets pissed”…………………..and what does that say about the god damn congregation? I mean they were all baptized and given the holy ghost,…….is He just really good at making babies cry and dads surf their iPhones and moms looking at other moms and their boob jobs and nice clothes?
When I was starting to learn the truth about the church, the joke sure was on me because I fasted and prayed while I did it. I thought the Holy Ghost would manifest the truth of ALL THINGS and god dammit, if god made that boring book from rock and a hat, well, ok,…………but did the holy ghost let me know the rock and the hat, and the masonry, and the polygamy and the Book of Abraham and all the rest….did HE let me know it was all good? Hell no! did it matter I had over 35 years of committed discipleship under my belt and a shitload of tithing and temple attendance? Nope. It did not matter because he wimped out big time. He was a f-ing no show. At least HE is consistent……………………
The holy ghost may be the biggest joke the church has going. My favorite is at the end of some meetings, some big shot gets up and says “the holy ghost has been with us and fed us”….or whatever. Really? Where was he? Did somebody set up a recliner or something for him up on the stage? Was up there sitting where the ward clerks used to sit in the 80s? WTF?????!!!!! Why does somebody need to point it out anyway? Should we not have all got the HG memo during the meeting?
And WHAT is the holy ghost anyway? We of course know he is a dude but maybe the problem is he has too many roles to fill. I mean what the hell is the holy spirit of promise anyway? I remember when I would sin, thinking well, RIGHT NOW, my marriage is NOT sealed by the holy spirit of promise and that if i did not beg and plead and repent RIGHT NOW and I died that I may not have an eternal marriage…..how stupid is the holy spirit of promise? The light of Christ? is that the HGs like younger brother or something? The Testator? Really? Ask all of the investigators from my mission how that worked out. The Comforter? Come on. Really? Maybe he only shows up when people pass way but at my Grandmas funeral I pretty much saw only people comforting my Mom…..and when she was alone, she was a mess. Thanks for having my back on that one HG! The Spirit? Well what does that mean anyway…..because you know there was always some sort of difference when talking about the HOLY GHOST and the spirit. Kinda like the spirit was sort of the invisible slime left behind as the HG moves at a billion mph around the world……like ghost busters, “He, slimed me, and I feel sooooooooo good” Members walk around on Sunday as if they have this slime all over them……….talk about a snipe hunt.
Burning of the bosom? Isn’t that like porn or something? Galatians 5:22? Aren’t those just normal people feelings? HG, couldn’t you just take the time to do something unique? members look for the holy ghost like people search themselves after they think they have been pick-pocketed.
If the holy ghost were a friend, he would be the kind of friend who only shows up when things are good and you are flush with money and then asks you for a loan.
Look, I’m done with the Holy Ghost. He is a bastard and can go screw himself. I am tired of pretending something is there when it is not. I am tired of hearing Casper the Friendly Ghost get all this credit for shit that just happens anyway and is part of a normal life experience.
