My DW has been asked to speak on the "Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church" in a few weeks. This could be the worst topic ever. There was a lot of triggering going on in my head when my wife told me. I couldn't hold in a small smirk, which she saw but politely ignored. Let's split it up.
Blessings of Membership - Shame, indoctrinate or be a second class citizen, pay 10% of your money, destroy every Sunday of your life, perform mental gymnastics to shove everything into the right worldview, spend 2 years as a high pressure salesmen at your own expense, etc... I guess there are the basketball hoops in each building, those are nice. But my current building has a small, carpeted gym, so I don't even get that.
Christ's True Church - Christ's Capital T True church. Let me raise my middle finger to all other people who call themselves Christians from this high horse. And together with the other Christians we can raise our middle fingers to all other beliefs. Together now! And for something so true the actual doctrine sure is slippery. Not to mention not very true.
Wish my wife and me luck, my friends. My wife because she hates speaking and me because I don't know how I can tell her she did a good job with a topic like this. Is the bishopric TRYING to drive a wedge between us?
Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut
Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
On the bright side:
An instant network of like minded "friends" when you've moved across the country.
Free leadership training.
Assigned friends to visit once a month.
Access to multiple million dollar mansions with cosplay, a few versions of the same movie, and tapioca pudding. Lockers included.
Wedding venue options in above noted mansions where no kids are allowed.
Wedding reception venues in basketball motif. Bring your own tool.
A lifetime of reading materials with little substance to think deeply about.
The Underwear Club benefits too silly to talk about here.
Home decorating choices. Proclamation or 1st Presidency? Why not both!
Your neighbors genuine concern for you wearing the appropriate underwear while doing yard work. Genuine concerns. Genuine indeed.
A village to raise your children.
A village leader to ensure they don't masturbate.
A village full of cooks when you're sick, too depressed to get out of bed, or your husband is too incompetent to order pizza.
A free venue for funerals accompanied by all you can eat potatoes, green beans, and ham. No clean up necessary.
A lifetime of achievements, stories, and other feel good moments.
A weekly wardrobe of white shirts, ties, and dark slacks for men. Anything that covers knees and shoulders for women.
A designated thrift store when above noted clothes wear out. If you're lucky, you can drop off in the church parking lot on Sunday before church when the roll off is still there.
A dumpster you can toss out your old water heaters, tree branches, and other junk you no longer need. Just ignore the "no public dumping sign". That really means "non-members" can't dump.
Free child care for 2 hours on Sunday.
An intimate relationship and over 20 hours of free self help talks from multiple men, a few women, and a prophet two times a year.
Access to the neighborhood babysitting pool.
Access to a food canning operation.
A woman's society designated for relief.
A weekly meeting for men only.
An annual reconciliation of your personal finances and the club dues you've paid.
The benefits are endless (and intangible).
An instant network of like minded "friends" when you've moved across the country.
Free leadership training.
Assigned friends to visit once a month.
Access to multiple million dollar mansions with cosplay, a few versions of the same movie, and tapioca pudding. Lockers included.
Wedding venue options in above noted mansions where no kids are allowed.
Wedding reception venues in basketball motif. Bring your own tool.
A lifetime of reading materials with little substance to think deeply about.
The Underwear Club benefits too silly to talk about here.
Home decorating choices. Proclamation or 1st Presidency? Why not both!
Your neighbors genuine concern for you wearing the appropriate underwear while doing yard work. Genuine concerns. Genuine indeed.
A village to raise your children.
A village leader to ensure they don't masturbate.
A village full of cooks when you're sick, too depressed to get out of bed, or your husband is too incompetent to order pizza.
A free venue for funerals accompanied by all you can eat potatoes, green beans, and ham. No clean up necessary.
A lifetime of achievements, stories, and other feel good moments.
A weekly wardrobe of white shirts, ties, and dark slacks for men. Anything that covers knees and shoulders for women.
A designated thrift store when above noted clothes wear out. If you're lucky, you can drop off in the church parking lot on Sunday before church when the roll off is still there.
A dumpster you can toss out your old water heaters, tree branches, and other junk you no longer need. Just ignore the "no public dumping sign". That really means "non-members" can't dump.
Free child care for 2 hours on Sunday.
An intimate relationship and over 20 hours of free self help talks from multiple men, a few women, and a prophet two times a year.
Access to the neighborhood babysitting pool.
Access to a food canning operation.
A woman's society designated for relief.
A weekly meeting for men only.
An annual reconciliation of your personal finances and the club dues you've paid.
The benefits are endless (and intangible).
“It always devolves to Pantaloons. Always.” ~ Fluffy
“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga
“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg
“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga
“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg
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FiveFingerMnemonic
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Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
I am so guilty of this one!!!Red Ryder wrote:A dumpster you can toss out your old water heaters, tree branches, and other junk you no longer need. Just ignore the "no public dumping sign". That really means "non-members" can't dump.
Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
Oh, but if you are a woman, or gay, or a minority, you get to be a second class citizen no matter what.Linked wrote: Blessings of Membership - Shame, indoctrinate or be a second class citizen,
Tough topic though. Poor Mrs. Linked. At least she doesn't have to give a talk on a Rasband talk. I had to do that once. It was hell. I mean outer-darkness. It was outer-darkness.
I think RR pretty much covered all the real blessings. "Wedding receptions in basketball motif." LMAO! I never thought about using the church's dumpster.
Thanks for the divine inspiration RR!...walked eye-deep in hell
believing in old men’s lies...--Ezra Pound
believing in old men’s lies...--Ezra Pound
Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
Okay here is how I would handle this. It's a horribly arrogant topic meant to produce a nauseating self gratifying talk. But I think you could put a NOM spin on it.
Start off by saying something like: " The greatest blessing is serving others."
"Because we are members of Christ's true church we have the Book of Mormon. It in we learn about serving and helping others." (Other churches have BOM too, but I doubt anyone in sacrament meeting will care)
Then do a highlights reel of King Benjamin's address. Hit up Mosiah 4:16-23ish. That's where he talks about giving to others and not judging them. Then talk about bow Christ's true church has a welfare program to help the poor. (This is funny because, from what I've heard, the people giving out welfare are counseled to be super judgey.)
"Because we are members of Christ true church we have Q15 to give us counsel specifically for our day." (
)
Highlights reel of Elder Kearon's talk about helping refugees. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/ ... m?lang=eng
(This is funny because not one of the "prophets, seers and revelators" even mentioned this world wide crisis. But I guess it's hard to know what is going on in the world when your head is jammed up your prophetic posterior.)
"Because we are members of Christ's true church we have the guidance of the Holy Ghost. But the HG can only guide us if we are humble followers of Christ." Then end with something really guilt trippy about being humble. (which is just the icing on the cake for this arrogant topic.)
Start off by saying something like: " The greatest blessing is serving others."
"Because we are members of Christ's true church we have the Book of Mormon. It in we learn about serving and helping others." (Other churches have BOM too, but I doubt anyone in sacrament meeting will care)
Then do a highlights reel of King Benjamin's address. Hit up Mosiah 4:16-23ish. That's where he talks about giving to others and not judging them. Then talk about bow Christ's true church has a welfare program to help the poor. (This is funny because, from what I've heard, the people giving out welfare are counseled to be super judgey.)
"Because we are members of Christ true church we have Q15 to give us counsel specifically for our day." (
)Highlights reel of Elder Kearon's talk about helping refugees. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/ ... m?lang=eng
(This is funny because not one of the "prophets, seers and revelators" even mentioned this world wide crisis. But I guess it's hard to know what is going on in the world when your head is jammed up your prophetic posterior.)
"Because we are members of Christ's true church we have the guidance of the Holy Ghost. But the HG can only guide us if we are humble followers of Christ." Then end with something really guilt trippy about being humble. (which is just the icing on the cake for this arrogant topic.)
...walked eye-deep in hell
believing in old men’s lies...--Ezra Pound
believing in old men’s lies...--Ezra Pound
Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
Red Ryder has given you the material if you want to make sure that you never get asked to speak again. Follow his lead if this is a desirable outcome.
I would change the topic into "Blessings of Following Jesus Christ". Make it a talk that could be delivered in a non-denominational Christian church. Talk about fellowship with saints, building stable families, building stable civilizations, performing service, and then a reference to a reward in heaven.
Or you could simply take the clear path that Red Ryder laid out for you.
I would change the topic into "Blessings of Following Jesus Christ". Make it a talk that could be delivered in a non-denominational Christian church. Talk about fellowship with saints, building stable families, building stable civilizations, performing service, and then a reference to a reward in heaven.
Or you could simply take the clear path that Red Ryder laid out for you.
Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
I've only spoken once in church in the past 9 years. I just say no if asked.Corsair wrote:Red Ryder has given you the material if you want to make sure that you never get asked to speak again. Follow his lead if this is a desirable outcome.
“It always devolves to Pantaloons. Always.” ~ Fluffy
“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga
“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg
“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga
“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg
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Not Buying It
- Posts: 1308
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Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
When I am assigned a talk in Church, I just use the assigned topic as a jumping off point and move on to whatever I want to talk about. What are they going to do to you, not ask you to speak again? Oooh, scary.
"The truth is elegantly simple. The lie needs complex apologia. 4 simple words: Joe made it up. It answers everything with the perfect simplicity of Occam's Razor. Every convoluted excuse withers." - Some guy on Reddit called disposazelph
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Vlad the Emailer
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- Location: Lower Midwest
Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
Lot's of good info here.
I'll veer a bit to what this can possibly mean to you, the less believing spouse. Seems to me that while DW is looking for her approach to the talk, with the right approach of your own you may be able to get her to see that her talk is nothing more than part of the effort to keep the convinced, convinced. Lest their thoughts and hearts should wander, DW has been tasked with reminding the sheep how great things are in the pen. Thus there is much to lose in not remembering that it is indeed the "True Church". If she was able to see the topic in that light, it might be a bit eye opening.
I'll veer a bit to what this can possibly mean to you, the less believing spouse. Seems to me that while DW is looking for her approach to the talk, with the right approach of your own you may be able to get her to see that her talk is nothing more than part of the effort to keep the convinced, convinced. Lest their thoughts and hearts should wander, DW has been tasked with reminding the sheep how great things are in the pen. Thus there is much to lose in not remembering that it is indeed the "True Church". If she was able to see the topic in that light, it might be a bit eye opening.
When an honest man discovers he is mistaken, he will either cease being mistaken, or cease being honest. - Anonymous
Say what you want about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying. - Kurt Vonnegut
Say what you want about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying. - Kurt Vonnegut
Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
Great list RR! I have a hot water heater sitting in my backyard that I need to throw away, now I know where it goes...
Lots of good advice for the talk, but my wife is pretty TBM, so I am expecting a "nauseating, self-gratifying talk", and not because she is particularly arrogant, but because she gets super nervous when speaking and will want to be as party line as possible to reduce her anxiety. I would personally love to speak, even on this topic. It is so bad that it would be relatively easy to NOM up, like MoPag said.
Lots of good advice for the talk, but my wife is pretty TBM, so I am expecting a "nauseating, self-gratifying talk", and not because she is particularly arrogant, but because she gets super nervous when speaking and will want to be as party line as possible to reduce her anxiety. I would personally love to speak, even on this topic. It is so bad that it would be relatively easy to NOM up, like MoPag said.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut
Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
I would take a bit of a different path. (It's easy to give advice when you know you won't have to ever do this one.)
I would start off with the scripture from the BOM which talks about there being only two churches, the church of god and the church of the "dark side". (this is one of the things I still can feel good about from the BOM) We all want to be on the nice list, so we can all feel good about being in the church of god. I have always felt this scripture was not meaning a "flagged religion" with a sign on the door but referred to the big tent church where the adherents are trying to be good. I believe there are folks in the LDS church who are also in the church of god and many from all other groups of churches, clubs and fraternities.
It doesn't matter what "church" you attend on your sabbath, but how you live your life, according to that scripture.
Since you are using a source like the BOM, you can describe what it is that would make the church the church of god, some of the things would be found in the mormon faith but most would be just good old golden rule stuff common to all good folk.
There would also be an opportunity to help others realize proud condescension common to us mormons might put us in the other church spoken of in the good book.
Just a thought.
I would start off with the scripture from the BOM which talks about there being only two churches, the church of god and the church of the "dark side". (this is one of the things I still can feel good about from the BOM) We all want to be on the nice list, so we can all feel good about being in the church of god. I have always felt this scripture was not meaning a "flagged religion" with a sign on the door but referred to the big tent church where the adherents are trying to be good. I believe there are folks in the LDS church who are also in the church of god and many from all other groups of churches, clubs and fraternities.
It doesn't matter what "church" you attend on your sabbath, but how you live your life, according to that scripture.
Since you are using a source like the BOM, you can describe what it is that would make the church the church of god, some of the things would be found in the mormon faith but most would be just good old golden rule stuff common to all good folk.
There would also be an opportunity to help others realize proud condescension common to us mormons might put us in the other church spoken of in the good book.
Just a thought.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.
Rumi
Rumi
Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
What an interesting topic for a talk that you wife is assigned to give!
Unless she asks you for advice about her talk, I would just totally bug out and let her figure out what the blessings of membership really are for her. You know, for her as a TBM, with a husband who is starting to see it differently. I would be surprised if that doesn't add more stuff on her shelf if she really, really thinks about it.
Does that sound like a possibility? Good luck either way!
Unless she asks you for advice about her talk, I would just totally bug out and let her figure out what the blessings of membership really are for her. You know, for her as a TBM, with a husband who is starting to see it differently. I would be surprised if that doesn't add more stuff on her shelf if she really, really thinks about it.
Does that sound like a possibility? Good luck either way!
Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
What a wonderfully leading topic! The talk should write itself: eternal marriage, eternal family, blah, blah, blah. Narrowing it down should be the problem. If she asks for advice I would ask her if being in the Church helps and keeps her living a Christ centered life. A Christ centered life, not a church centered life. If it does, expand that.
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RubinHighlander
- Posts: 1906
- Joined: Tue Nov 08, 2016 7:20 am
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Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
I'll add to the second class citizen list:MoPag wrote:Oh, but if you are a woman, or gay, or a minority, you get to be a second class citizen no matter what.Linked wrote: Blessings of Membership - Shame, indoctrinate or be a second class citizen,
Divorced
Remarried
Inactive kid or spouse
Working mom
Work on Sunday
Generally not one of the 5-10 "Great Families" in the ward
“Sir,' I said to the universe, 'I exist.' 'That,' said the universe, 'creates no sense of obligation in me whatsoever.”
--Douglas Adams
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzmYP3PbfXE
--Douglas Adams
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzmYP3PbfXE
Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
Oh, I have no intention of making recommendations to her about her talk, the situation between us regarding religious topics is very tense right now so there is no way anything I say would help even if I were to stay completely party line. I do ask her how it's going and listen to her though. I am sure that she is seeing everything differently with a non-believing spouse, but it's just as likely that she curses my name for seeing differently as it is likely that she would add weight to her shelf. But I hope she comes around!Journey wrote:What an interesting topic for a talk that you wife is assigned to give!
Unless she asks you for advice about her talk, I would just totally bug out and let her figure out what the blessings of membership really are for her. You know, for her as a TBM, with a husband who is starting to see it differently. I would be surprised if that doesn't add more stuff on her shelf if she really, really thinks about it.
Does that sound like a possibility? Good luck either way!
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut
Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
Let's keep going:RubinHighlander wrote:I'll add to the second class citizen list:MoPag wrote:Oh, but if you are a woman, or gay, or a minority, you get to be a second class citizen no matter what.Linked wrote: Blessings of Membership - Shame, indoctrinate or be a second class citizen,
Divorced
Remarried
Inactive kid or spouse
Working mom
Work on Sunday
Generally not one of the 5-10 "Great Families" in the ward
Obviously poor
Recently tattooed
Holding a coffee or beer
Piercings
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut
Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
Why don't we just keep it simple...
The blessings of t Membership in Christ's True™ Church: Literally all the decisions of your life are made for you; You don't even have to decide what underwear you like. Just follow the Sunday School Answers™ checklist, and your ticket to Super VIP heaven is as good as stamped.
The blessings of t Membership in Christ's True™ Church: Literally all the decisions of your life are made for you; You don't even have to decide what underwear you like. Just follow the Sunday School Answers™ checklist, and your ticket to Super VIP heaven is as good as stamped.
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus
IDKSAF -RubinHighlander
You can surrender without a prayer...
IDKSAF -RubinHighlander
You can surrender without a prayer...
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RubinHighlander
- Posts: 1906
- Joined: Tue Nov 08, 2016 7:20 am
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Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
What about making your calling and election sure? You know, 2nd anointing? Oh, never mind, that does not really exist, just an suburban legend.wtfluff wrote:Why don't we just keep it simple...
The blessings of t Membership in Christ's True™ Church: Literally all the decisions of your life are made for you; You don't even have to decide what underwear you like. Just follow the Sunday School Answers™ checklist, and your ticket to Super VIP heaven is as good as stamped.
“Sir,' I said to the universe, 'I exist.' 'That,' said the universe, 'creates no sense of obligation in me whatsoever.”
--Douglas Adams
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzmYP3PbfXE
--Douglas Adams
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzmYP3PbfXE
Re: Blessings of Membership in Christ's True Church
2nd anointing? That's covered under the "attend the temple" checkpoint on the Sunday School Answers™ checklist. It's part of the "Unwritten Order" of "things".RubinHighlander wrote:What about making your calling and election sure? You know, 2nd anointing? Oh, never mind, that does not really exist, just an suburban legend.wtfluff wrote:Why don't we just keep it simple...
The blessings of t Membership in Christ's True™ Church: Literally all the decisions of your life are made for you; You don't even have to decide what underwear you like. Just follow the Sunday School Answers™ checklist, and your ticket to Super VIP heaven is as good as stamped.
[very low whispery voice] Pssssst: Hey... Um... The vast majority of members either don't pay enough tithing, or don't have the right connections to get the 2nd anointing, and they don't really even know about it. It doesn't really matter anyway. It's actually covered under the "everything works out when you're dead" answer, which everyone constantly quotes, but really isn't part of the Sunday School Answers™ checklist. It must be one of those answers that's buried in the footnotes of some fancy secret handbook locked in some "leader's" desk somewhere that no-one really has access to. Or maybe it's in the first presidency vault next to the magic rock.
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus
IDKSAF -RubinHighlander
You can surrender without a prayer...
IDKSAF -RubinHighlander
You can surrender without a prayer...
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