I Find Myself Hoping Your Plane Crashes

[RubinHighlander]

It's important to have your own hobbies/activities...

One thing my DW and I enjoy together is photography.

Yes! These things!

My first marriage ended after 12 years because my X just couldn't make me or the church work for her happiness. She definitely went about ending it the wrong way by having multiple affairs with other men, but we won't get into her other narcissistic qualities. I stuck with the church through all that mess and I can say that my relationship with Christ helped me but the Church just heaped loads of guilt on me and made me feel like a second class citizen and a project, both as a single dad and later as a melded family.

2nd marriage of 8 years then I begin to learn the truth about the church and have serious doubts. DW and I are sealed in the temple a year after marriage. There were rough times as a melded family, especially with my X drama. We weathered the storms, life seems to be getting better, then I start learning about the true order of this religion I was raised in and dedicated my life to for over 40 years. Now my DW has to deal with that; after her first two crappy marriages she finds me then I start down this NOM path. Her world begins to crumble. It was not easy. She made statements like "I don't even know who you are anymore." and "I didn't sign up for this." or "This is not suppose to be how it is." I was willing to keep going, willing to tread the wine press for her and pretend I still believed it. But that was not enough; it always weighed on her.

What really helped her was for me to increase my efforts to be a good husband, lover and friend, but outside the church dogma. She was no adverse to taking a Sunday off once in a while to go and do things as a couple or a family. Heavy items on her shelf were the misogynistic priesthood structure and just feeling second class all the time. Also, she was a working mom and it was exhausting to go through the weekend routine of cleaning all day Saturday then doing all the church crap then feeling exhausted for Monday. I avoided talking too much about my doubts, at least the specifics, but I showed her emotions of my cogdis and how difficult it was for me to struggle with what I learned was truth vs. what the church taught me.

With us both having SLR Canon camera equipment, I made it a point to get her out to the amazing places in Utah to shoot photos and sometimes on Sundays. She began to have "spiritual" experiences at those places and began to realize that happiness was not at church, that it was about us and this amazing planet. Now, our youngest was 14 so it was easier for us to go as a couple or take her along. We started hitting the national parks or even just short trips to the west desert, rock hounding or out to the Salt Flats. There's so much to enjoy and experience, even if it's just a day trip.

I had to be patient, but not too long; about a year later she had enough of her own doubts that she began to investigate and we were out not long after. I think it would be much more difficult with younger kids, but if you want to save your marriage, I'd set aside the discussion on church stuff and ween her off with other things. So rather than hit her with the question of "Should I get my recommend?" Maybe just suck it up for another season and do it. Let her see you suffering with cogdis passively. Show her you love her more than your own pride, but you can still have some boundaries with the LDS local leaders. This is how my NOM brother deals with it. He sets the rules for priesthood leader interaction with his family and had disclosed his disagreement with the truth claims in a limited fashion. Now, this puts him and his family into a 2nd and even 3rd class state in their Ward/Stake, but that can be one more bit of cogdis for DW as she begins to recognize the true nature of the church for what it is and not the all-loving Christ based faith it claims to be.

Cpt Obvious: All of this is easier said that done. I'm not ruling out divorce because your DW may very well be too invested and married to the church to leave it (as Morpheus apologized to Neo for pulling him out of the Matrix as an adult, because emotionally and mentally, most can't handle it.)

Good luck our NOMish brother! We are here for you!

[Anon70]

I don't think she really wants you dead. I think she just sees that as the only way to get you believing the "truth" and avoiding the embarrassment of having a non believing apostate spouse.

So, I think she is catastrophsizing your disaffection in the way the church teaches people to do, the kind of thinking that goes, "it would be better for you to come home from a mission dead than shamed as an unbeliever or sinner." (same thing, the unbelief or horrible sin)

Then you are interpreting her over reaction as if she was serious serious instead of locked into sick Mormon thinking.

So, she is overreacting and then you are over-reacting to her over-reaction.

Back up. Sit her down and ask her if she really meant that about wishing you were dead or if she was just feeling hopeless. Sure, you being dead would solve the problem of her being afraid of what other people think of you as an apostate. But in other ways it would make life much much harder. I think this feeling is honest, but only one side of the picture. It is the easy way out of a hard situation. She gets all kinds of love and sympathy from friends and family instead of being the pitied wife of a inactive non-priesthood-honoring man. But, when you think more seriously about that kind of thinking, it isn't what you really want.

Her feeling hopeless and angry at you are things you can deal with. If she is seriously wishing you dead, then you need to ask her about divorce, marriage counseling, and so on. But I don't really think it is time to panic.

^THIS. at a very low point in my marriage when we were seriously considering divorce I had these thoughts-it would be so much easier if "..." Because I wouldn't have to tell the kids, family, friends, work, ward. I wouldn't have to figure out finances or go through the pain. I wouldn't have to share kids every other weekend. Just the whole host of agony of divorce. But I didn't really want my spouse dead. It felt awful. I felt like a terrible person for having the thought. I did confess it to a friend and she helped me see it's about making things easier. Not wishing you were really dead. Not proud of it but I think it's a thought some people have in tough situations.

[Linked]

Thanks again for all the support, you guys really helped me through this.

I talked to my wife about how hard it was for me to hear her say she wants me dead and she quickly clarified that she just wants the situation to be fixed and that she can't help but recognize that my death is a clean way out. She doesn't want me dead. So that was good. And she wants to work it out. So, the roller coaster continues. I am sick of the roller coaster, but there is so much pain down the divorce route and we would be leaving so much joy on the table by splitting up. (Of course there is joy on the divorce route and pain in the married route too, but the pain of divorce and joy of our family are very clear and easy to imagine.)

To be fair to my wife I independently came to the conclusion that my accidental death would be the best case scenario for my wife with a TBM worldview. That was a bad moment. But it does make sense. It is just hard to hear the person closest to you say that there is any moment where they hope for your death.

So, we will try to kill the bad situation, and leave me alive and well.

We actually have a DSLR, maybe photography would be a good hobby to do together.

[MalcolmVillager]

Linked, that is a positive baby step to a more healthy relationship. I will have to admit that when I fell down the rabbit hole, there was a fleeting moment one night where I felt if I just died in a tragic accident, it would save my DW and daughters the pain that potentially was to come due to my changes.

I would never have gone through with it, (would have moved to Costa Rica and slowly destroyed my life falling down the slippery slope to hell). We are in a good place now, although not where I hope to arrive someday.

[Korihor]

Thanks again for all the support, you guys really helped me through this.

I talked to my wife about how hard it was for me to hear her say she wants me dead and she quickly clarified that she just wants the situation to be fixed and that she can't help but recognize that my death is a clean way out. She doesn't want me dead. So that was good. And she wants to work it out. So, the roller coaster continues. I am sick of the roller coaster, but there is so much pain down the divorce route and we would be leaving so much joy on the table by splitting up. (Of course there is joy on the divorce route and pain in the married route too, but the pain of divorce and joy of our family are very clear and easy to imagine.)

To be fair to my wife I independently came to the conclusion that my accidental death would be the best case scenario for my wife with a TBM worldview. That was a bad moment. But it does make sense. It is just hard to hear the person closest to you say that there is any moment where they hope for your death.

So, we will try to kill the bad situation, and leave me alive and well.

We actually have a DSLR, maybe photography would be a good hobby to do together.

Glad to hear you made it through the dark mists of despair - keep a tight grip on that iron rod!

[wtfluff]

So, the roller coaster continues. I am sick of the roller coaster...

Dearest Link: Please enjoy your roller coaster rides with Princess Zelda.

Some of our relationship coasters are broken down, stuck at the bottom of a trough, with no foreseeable rescue in sight. (Except for the "D-Word" coaster, which sucks worse than the current coaster.)