What would you do?

This is for encouragement, ideas, and support for people going through a faith transition no matter where you hope to end up. This is also the place to laugh, cry, and love together.
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Should we tell the family?

1: Yes
2
20%
2: No
8
80%
 
Total votes: 10

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Red Ryder
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What would you do?

Post by Red Ryder » Tue Jan 03, 2023 5:19 pm

My oldest child is moving in with their significant other.
While overall I’m generally supportive, I’m also a bit hesitant to admit it’s a good idea. Primarily from an overly protective father standpoint where I wonder how (if) a future split up will work regarding a lease, risk of an unwanted pregnancy, etc. If I’m honest, the insecurity just comes from the fact that this is new thinking for us due to growing up in the church. Obviously marriage would have been first. Logically there are pros and cons for moving in together, like halving the rent between two people.

I also realize that it’s not my choice and that I can/should be supportive nonetheless since they are an adult now.

However, I’m struggling with one last aspect.

Do we tell the extended TBM family or not?

I just don’t want the judgment and snide comments to reflect back on us.I can already hear them in my mind. Perhaps I just need to not care what the TBM’s think and respond to any criticism with strong public support and remind them that future relationship interaction depends on them acting with love and kindness.

I think typing this out helped answer my own question.

Nonetheless, let’s poll the NOM ward.
“It always devolves to Pantaloons. Always.” ~ Fluffy

“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga

“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg

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wtfluff
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Re: What would you do?

Post by wtfluff » Tue Jan 03, 2023 5:27 pm

I'm going to make a wild guess here and say: Your kid uses social media right?

If so, you don't need to tell "The Fam" anything, they're going to know soon enough.

Just keep your "love and kindness" card handy...
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus

Keep the company of those who seek the truth - run from those who have found it -Václav Havel

The Beauty of Gray

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Red Ryder
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Re: What would you do?

Post by Red Ryder » Tue Jan 03, 2023 6:00 pm

Good point. I didn’t think of the social media stuff.
“It always devolves to Pantaloons. Always.” ~ Fluffy

“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga

“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg

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alas
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Re: What would you do?

Post by alas » Tue Jan 03, 2023 6:40 pm

Ask the child what they want you to do. Do they want the relatives to know? Do they want it kept quiet. Always respect the wishes of your adult children in things like this.

We have a similar situation with our oldest grandchild, and they wanted people know. But we don’t know how long they had lived together before they wanted it to go public.

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Just This Guy
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Re: What would you do?

Post by Just This Guy » Tue Jan 03, 2023 7:29 pm

I voted no. It really isn't you place to tell anyone. Let them decide what they want to do and who they want tell about their relationship. They are adults, so step back and let them made the adult decisions.
"The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." -- Douglas Adams

Wonderment
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Re: What would you do?

Post by Wonderment » Tue Jan 03, 2023 8:23 pm

I would let the oldest child and the partner be the first to tell the TBM relatives. However, as a parent, I share your concern for he well-being of the child. We are instinctively protective of our children, we miss them when they move away, and we always want the best for them. So, I can relate to your feelings as a parent. Also, thank you so much for all the interesting and thought-provoking topics that you have brought to the conversation all these years ! Take care, from Wndr.

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Angel
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Re: What would you do?

Post by Angel » Wed Jan 04, 2023 3:05 pm

My oldest has moved in with their significant other, not only are they not married, they are a same-sex couple. I vote yes, my kiddo announced themselves on social media, and also wears a ring so...

... in his hand-written confession letter to me, he said Mormon purity culture led to the abuse - be quiet, sush, hide, don't say anything.
Purity culture is evil and needs to die. I'm proud of my kiddos and all they have accomplished - in school, for work, they have NOTHING to hide from anyone. They are not doing anything wrong at all.
“You have learned something...That always feels at first as if you have lost something.” George Bernard Shaw
When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Linked
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Re: What would you do?

Post by Linked » Wed Jan 04, 2023 4:08 pm

It doesn't need an announcement, but it doesn't need to be hidden either. If it comes up in conversation and your child is public about it then tell your family member.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

Cnsl1
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Re: What would you do?

Post by Cnsl1 » Thu Jan 05, 2023 1:02 am

Linked wrote:
Wed Jan 04, 2023 4:08 pm
It doesn't need an announcement, but it doesn't need to be hidden either. If it comes up in conversation and your child is public about it then tell your family member.
I agree.

What about a situation where you're staying with extended family for a reunion or something and the house or cabin belongs to a TBM who does not recognize that relationship or will not accept it in their house, and will not let the two share a room or bed?

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Red Ryder
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Re: What would you do?

Post by Red Ryder » Thu Jan 05, 2023 3:47 pm

Thanks for voting and commenting.

I like the idea to not make an official announcement but not to hide it either. If it comes up in anyway we will address with support for our child.

The “sleeping arrangements while visiting _____” has always fascinated me. Even as a TBM I could recognize that I thought that was silly since very one assumed or knew that the unmarried couple was sharing a bed.

I guess I thought it was silly instead of simply respecting someone’s morals and values for their own home. I wouldn’t expect someone who smokes to come for a visit and be ok with smoking inside. Probably same for drinking. But sleeping in the same bed didn’t seem to matter.

That’s probably why I lost my testimony. I just wasn’t dedicated to avoiding the appearance of evil!
“It always devolves to Pantaloons. Always.” ~ Fluffy

“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga

“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg

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Random
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Re: What would you do?

Post by Random » Fri Jan 06, 2023 8:30 pm

I voted no.
When my son and his girlfriend moved in together, it didn't occur to me to tell anyone.
Whether I approved or not, it was their lives to live, not mine. Plus there was a cousin or two of his in that area that were also living the same way, though one of them did get married to the live-in.

It also helps that I don't have tbm family or friends breathing down my neck. I do have one tbm sister, but she lets others live their own lives.
There are 2 Gods. One who created us. The other you created. The God you made up is just like you-thrives on flattery-makes you live in fear.

Believe in the God who created us. And the God you created should be abolished.
PK

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