Separated vs Divorced

[Meilingkie]

As a relative outside to the Church nowadays it struck me how many couples I know that have separated but never divorced.
Like: Living separately, in each their own house, living their own lives. But refusing to divorce because "I want to be sealed to someone".

When you think it over, I mean as a convert I had massive issues with having to seal 2 couples of grandparents who loathed one another.
Both sets of grandparents of mine were divorced in the 60's already and well let's put it mildly my grandfathers both had loose hands and a taste for liquor.

So both of these things I am seeing play off one another.
Can you imagine having to spend eternity with a person you loathe? That you know despises you in return? That beat you up, abused you, hurt the kids.
Then people said: You seal them and let God sort it out, maybe your grandparents have forgiven one another in the afterlife?

It all comes back at a very delicate moment for me.
Yesterday I attended church with a lady I have been seeing during the summer.
She's separated from her husband.

I would love to tell her:
Why keep your one life in limbo, when you can live a life with someone that genuinely cares about you?
Does not belittle you, does not trample on your soul every chance he can get?
All because you want to remain sealed to a husband that told me he thinks you are a quote: "silly and stupid woman".
That "silly and stupid woman".... she has an MA-degree and can quote Cicero, Virgil, Seneca and Homer verbatim......

[Gatorbait]

Interesting post Meilingke.

You raise an interesting question. Around here in Eastern Idaho though, as divorces are quite easy to get, couples usually go ahead with the divorce and start over. If it is a contested divorce, that's a different matter, but in the end, I don't think people get too hung up on the "sealed" in a temple business. They just move on. I know several women who are on their fourth temple marriage. Men, I think a lot less, but I know of some with three marriages, and one guy I know has a marriage that's not working out very well, so I see another divorce on the horizon, and if he marries again, it will be his forth temple marriage. I find it sort of ironic because his first marriage was working out fine. He just got tired of being married to his first wife, whom I thought was and is a terrific person. Put up with his sorry ass. The second wife didn't and the third won't either, I bet.

For me, I've lucked out with being married to someone for many years, who has about the same beliefs as me, but in the event that she ever passed away, and I'd be devastated, but I sure as hell would not want to get married in a temple. Good grief. I am quite certain I would not seek out a Mormon to date or marry. Too much baggage.

In the end, being separated and dating others strikes me as being odd indeed. Get a divorce and start anew.

[Red Ryder]

Interesting observations.

I’ve seen a few extended family members get divorced rather than just delegate because they wouldn’t allow themselves to date again unless divorced. But then would quickly remarry because they wouldn’t allow themselves to have sex unless married. Which sometimes resulted in a second divorce.

I think some TBM’s don’t want to risk their eternal reward so they stay sealed and hope god will sort it out later. Or they try to get their temple marriages dissolved by the first presidency who denies them of that opportunity and says god will sort it out later.

Either way it seems god has a lot to figure out later.

[alas]

There are often financial reasons to stay married even when you can’t live together because you don’t get along. My daughter just separated, and they have agreed to stay married for financial reasons. I suspect that staying married will make it easier to get back together if they can work out a few problems. But right now, she is furious that he waited until after she left to even try to fix things, so his efforts at fixing things is currently making things worse. Which just shows me they still care, at least enough to be angry.

[Meilingkie]

I think some TBM’s don’t want to risk their eternal reward so they stay sealed and hope god will sort it out later. Or they try to get their temple marriages dissolved by the first presidency who denies them of that opportunity and says god will sort it out later.

Well, she said this, in other words obviously.
When I die and go to the CK, that will be MY time.

I think that's a bit sad, and she has adult kids, no kids in the house anymore. So why stay?
Oh well......see how it pans out.

[Wonderment]

HI Meilingkie, Great to hear from you ! So glad that you met someone nice with whom to spend some time ! I think that couples separate instead of divorcing because they are worried about the social stigma of divorce, or they are worried about what their family and friends will say. If anyone criticizes them, then they can say, "Oh, well, it is only temporary, and we will see what happens." This reply tends to lessen the criticism, especially from people who believe that "Families Are Forever." After awhile of living separate, then the two people feel more comfortable about starting a new life as single individuals. They can move on as single people who are looking for a new partner. ( Just my opinion).

[Meilingkie]

Thanks Wndr, an insight so much needed.

I just can't explain how much she means to me. We are talking through so much of our residual trauma. Daily.
Mine and hers. And it hurts sometimes, a lot. She cares so much about me. So thoughtful.
I'd hate to lose her.

Families are Forever is a sham.