Discovering my FIL is a NOM of some kind

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sparky
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Discovering my FIL is a NOM of some kind

Post by sparky » Sat Jan 14, 2017 11:41 am

I’ve been married for about two years to a wonderful woman who happens to be a TBM. But she’s not a TBM in the same way I used to be, until or temple marriage ceremony catalyzed my faith crisis and intellectual journey out of orthodoxy. I grew up in Happy Valley, UT, in a very orthodox, literal believing family. She grew up in “the mission field” in a family that leaned more secular than mine did, although they were fully active and kept all the rules. She is still a believer who is comfortable not having answers to the more sticky issues of the church and willing to just focus on the good. I, on the other hand, have my answers—they’re just not the lovely-looking wax hors d'oeuvres handed out on the faux china of the Gospel Topics essays.

I knew her father had been inactive when her parents got married, though her mother never has been. He became active again just in time to baptize my wife at age 8, and has been active ever since. I don’t know why he went inactive or why he went back, and I don’t think my wife really knows either, except that she really wanted him to baptize her.

My FIL is very smart and thoughtful, but he’s a man of few words. I’m the same way, so we’ve never really had an in-depth intellectual conversation. But as I was visiting DW’s parents over the break, I feel like I got a glimpse into his inner life by looking at his bookshelves, and what I saw surprised me. There were several books on philosophy—something I’ve become deeply interested in since my orthodox religious beliefs fell apart in the face of my own life experience and the actual history of the church. In particular, he had a couple of books on existentialism, a philosophy that has resonated with me but is definitely not compatible with orthodox Mormon belief. And then I saw something that really surprised me: a bound copy of a year's volume of Dialogue journal from several years ago.

Looking at my FIL today, one would never know he has any interest in those things. He holds a calling and enjoys going out with the missionaries on visits. My MIL is a wonderful person, and though I could be wrong, she doesn’t strike me as one who would have interest in philosophy or the type of nuanced, in-depth ideas discussed in Dialogue; she just takes the church at face value and enjoys the community and social cohesion of it all.

It all just makes me wonder what my FIL’s faith (or non-faith) journey has been like, how he got to the point where he’s at today, and what he thinks of it all. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to have that conversation, or if I even should. I wonder what sorts of discussions, if any, he’s had with my MIL over the years; I wonder why he (to my knowledge) never imparted his view of things to my DW. And I wonder if I’m looking at myself in a few decades—someone with his own inner world and interpretation of things, with deep books on the shelf, but who is willing to suspend that on the outside to play the role expected of him. He seems to be happy and satisfied with the situation. Will I ever be?

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MoPag
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Re: Discovering my FIL is a NOM of some kind

Post by MoPag » Sat Jan 14, 2017 5:44 pm

I hope he turns out to be NOM. It makes such a difference to have someone in your own family you can talk to. It sounds like you have a couple different things in common you could talk about and maybe learn more about him. Do you remember what year the Dialogue Journal was from? Maybe ask him about it next time you are together, or send him and email, just to test the waters. Good luck finding out.
...walked eye-deep in hell
believing in old men’s lies...--Ezra Pound

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Corsair
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Re: Discovering my FIL is a NOM of some kind

Post by Corsair » Sat Jan 14, 2017 6:52 pm

I do not know if there are any closet unbelievers in my family. I have a cousin that I can commiserate with but I don't see her very often. It might be enlightening to have a conversation with your FIL.

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