Communication skills

[alas]

These are great tips fam, thanks for taking the time! I've read through this a few times, but haven't had the time to formulate a response, sorry to let it sit for so long.

slow the whole conversation down. Start by narrowing the subject...

No dirty fighting...

kitchen sinking is when you bring other things into the argument, everything including the kitchen sink.

Army boots. name calling or insults insults. The idea is to side track your opponent by making them angry. This way they know they are at fault because they are just rotten to the core.

Generalizations. You always…. Or you never….. the object with generalization is to make them the bad guy and being unwilling to give them any credit.

Escalation. Any Thing the partner brings up, you do one more.

dirty not-fighting...

Passive aggression is still aggression and control, and extreme submission is also a form of control.

Passive aggressive acts or words are bombs that are left for you to step on. Later.

So, the wife says, just to end the argument, “you’re right! of course!” But says it in *that* tone of voice. Small alarms go off in hubby’s head, because she didn’t sound like she was convinced. She sounded pissed. This is a passive aggressive attempt to keep the hubby up all night, worrying, and sweating over the argument. Maybe it gives her time to plot revenge but most likely, it just leaves him confused, and that is her revenge.

Passive aggressive cuts off communication. But it doesn’t solve the problem. Maybe instead of a dirty fighting technique, it is a dishonest fighting technique. Because it avoids open confrontation by refusing to be honest.

What is best is assertive. Not submissive, aggressive, or passive aggressive.

Assertive is stating your own needs in a direct way, requesting change in a direct way, or saying directly that you can’t or won’t do as the other person is requesting.

Submission is also extreme. It is extreme like aggression, but different.

Rule #2 I statements...

“I statements” have two necessary parts and one optional but very helpful part.

A The first part is how you feel, taking responsibility for that emotion. So, “I feel _______”

B is the trigger, the specific behavior that triggered the emotion, so, “when you _______”

C. Is your thinking. Optional, because sometimes we don’t catch what we tell ourselves, we just react to the trigger. “Because I think_______”

So, putting it all into one statement, “I feel left out when you and your friends spend most of the time talking about the church, because I think you like them better because I am not good enough for you now that I don’t believe.”...

The important parts are taking responsibility for emotions. If you are confused about what you feel, or don’t want to share the emotion, or don’t want to go there for what ever, then just stay general, maybe go with “I don’t like” and then name the trigger and what you thought. So, I don’t like that you and your friends only talk about church because I think you like them better now that I don’t believe.” Just be careful not to accuse them of actually doing what you thought their behavior meant. So, do not jump to “you don’t love me anymore.” That skips the whole “I statement and makes a fact out of what is more likely your insecurity running amuck. Stay responsible for your own feelings and your own thinking, and keep in mind your conclusion based on the trigger combined with your own thinking.

for many people, the emotion can overwhelm them and so first you recognize the emotion and get it under control.

For example, in a therapy session, the client might spend 40 minutes on getting their emotions out, then there is a quick recognition of the trigger, what they told themselves, and if their self talk is rational or not. Other people were more thinking kind of people, and didn’t spend as much time on emotions.

So, don’t feel pressured to come up with an emotion. “I didn’t like it when you left church.” Is enough of an “I statement.”

I can see you've watched me try to communicate, these are a little too relatable . I see the dirty fighting techniques in myself and people I try to communicate with. I think they are typically our natural response to the emotions of the conversation than a calculated attempt to manipulate each other. So it's good to name them all and watch for them pop up from within as well as point it out when your partner fights dirty.

The "I statement" rules are a good way to try to keep things away from blaming each other and more on understanding each other. It takes a commitment from both sides to strive for understanding throughout the conversation.

I liked Alas' comment about the perceived meaning behind a behavior being more likely your insecurity running amuck. That is certainly often the case for me. Or if not insecurity then being overwhelmed by an emotion. Between the two I struggle to make it through any difficult conversations.

This emotional reaction derailing the conversation brigs up another point. De-escalation. Mental health workers are taught how to calm people down. Cops are taught to yell, “drop the gun or I’ll shoot.” So, suicide by cop becomes a major method of suicide. This traumatizes the cop as well as completes the upset person’s suicide plan. Lose/lose. This is why police departments REALLY need to hire people trained in mental health, preferably people who look like your sweet little ol’ grandma, instead of big burly scary cops. Then send them in unarmed but in bullet proof gear to talk down all mental health emergencies.

But, to de-escalate, you talk in a low, calm voice. In a book I was just reading, they talked about the training cops get to use with hysterical people. Threats, yelling, slapping them across the face, ordering them to calm down. That is another joke I have seen all over Facebook, when your wife is upset, just tell her to calm down. So, enough of how NOT to do it, just don’t act like a cop. Well, unless you want to end up shooting your spouse when they come at you with whatever is in their hand when the discussion got out of hand. So, how to de-escalate. Calm voice, low so they have to work to hear you. Reassuring touch. Repeat back to them what you hear them saying. Such as, “I understand you are upset about___________. Tell me more.” Or, “I understand you are angry about ______. Can you explain exactly what happened?” Then repeat to them, slowly and calmly what they are telling you. This tells them that you are there, that you are trying to understand, and that you are hearing them. It slows things down until they can get emotions more under control. If they are WAY hysterical, use an exaggerated form of this, and if they are still slightly under control use a milder form, but keep prompting them to keep talking.

One of my professors told the class that in his Freudian training they were supposed to say uh huh, but using it as a question, a statement, and with various inflections to keep the person talking. He demonstrated in a way that was hilarious. Uh huuuuh, uh huh! Uh huh? Uuuuuuuh huh! But it tells your listener that you are still listening and indicates for them to keep talking. His professor at some Ivey covered uppity up university said it is also very neutral….but he pointed out that it really isn’t because when there is that little feedback, the person starts searching for something to get a more involved response. So, you still end up leading the conversation into what gets a more involved reaction. So, just be honest with your comments and keep asking if you are understanding their point rather than trying to lead them into discussing your agenda.

Listen to understand them, not for a way to get your point across.

If you feel they are too emotional or think you might say things wrong because of the heat of the moment, ask to continue the discussion after calming down.

Oh, another dirty fighting technique. Ambush. Just as he is leaving for work, you yell about what he did. He doesn’t have time to discuss it, or defend himself so reacts angrily to feeling attacked when he can’t take the time to deal with it. You both stew all day, then he gets home, and when she is cooking supper, with the child screaming and hanging onto her leg, he counter attacks.

Set an appointment for a discussion. Such as, tonight after the kids are in bed, can we talk about X. Then keep the appointment. Don’t do the “Republican on gun control.” Right after a shooting, We can’t talk about guns NOW, while we are in mourning. Then two months later, just keep delaying any discussion, until the next shooting and then say, we can’t talk about this now, how dare you bring it up when everyone is upset. Blithering, blithering, not now, next month, later, until the next shooting and how dare you only bring this up when everyone is hurting.

Learn to recognize upset in others and give them space and de-escalate when they get upset. Learn your own triggers and recognize your own emotional level and take the few deep breaths. If you can’t get the emotional level down, ask for a breather and to talk later. If your partner says they are at max and can we deal with this later, stop! Don’t do like my husband and keep pushing the subject. Stop. Don’t push them over the edge. When someone says there is a cliff behind me, respect that and for blank sake, don’t keep pushing. Few things have to be resolved right this minute. When people are upset is when things get said that sometimes can’t be taken back, so recognize when you or they get defensive, angry, threatened. Then give each other time to figure out their own emotions. You’ll deal much better with things if you know why you are defensive or angry, then you can talk over the emotions instead of the emotions running the conversation from a small issue into a major issue.

[Linked]

Learn your own triggers and recognize your own emotional level and take the few deep breaths. If you can’t get the emotional level down, ask for a breather and to talk later. ... When people are upset is when things get said that sometimes can’t be taken back, so recognize when you or they get defensive, angry, threatened. Then give each other time to figure out their own emotions. You’ll deal much better with things if you know why you are defensive or angry, then you can talk over the emotions instead of the emotions running the conversation from a small issue into a major issue.

This is where I struggle. I can't seem to get through a tough conversation without getting overwhelmed emotionally. There is just so much riding on everything.

Thanks for the therapy session Alas!