Returning back?

[Its_Complicated]

So you have heard about faith crisis / questioning after people leave the church, what happens when you go through a crisis again afterward?

I won't bore people with my long life story but I had a very difficult time growing up in the church. I had trouble fitting in, people were rude and unkind to me. I left the church when I was a Priest and was mainly forgotten about, no YW wanted to date me anyway and no YM wanted to be my friend. I just faded away, nobody gave too hoots. I married my Wife when I was 20, wanted to come back to the church 10 years later, was threatened with Bishop's Court, eventually got pardoned by the SP (who knew me) and I stayed active for 5 years. My Wife said I had to choose between the church and her, well, easy choice right? Nobody followed up with me, missed me, whatever. One of my callings was Ward Website Technologist and my phone number was on the back of every program each Sunday. Did anyone ever look at my name and ask who this guy was? I was on the back of the program over 4 years after I left.

I eventually made it to Community of Christ and have been going there for over 4 years. I have had some great experiences, but I don't seem to fit in there either. The local congregational life is, in a word, a mess. I don't have anything in common with people my age, especially the men. I even made a pilgrimage to a congregation that had a lot of people my age present, several states away, and was largely ignored. I know people are busy, but if I were drinking the kool-aid more, people would make more of an effort. I am still involved with Community of Christ, go there at least two Sundays a month and on social media but my participation is toned down a bit.

I am feeling a pull back to the LDS church. If you are familiar with James Fowler's Stages of Faith, I would say I am a solid stage 5. I know Mormonism is complicated and doesn't always make sense but I have learned to accept doctrine and people as they are. I have a testimony of the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants and prefer the Inspired Version / JST of the Bible. I am all in on Joseph Smith JR but I think he has been twisted around, thrown under the bus to suit whoever is in charge. It is easy to blame a dead man for problems of the day.

I have also taken the authority away for my faith journey, that means, I no longer give strangers authority to talk to God for me, judge me or threaten my spiritual self. I am responsible for me and won't ask for anything from anyone. I want to simply go to church on Sunday and be left alone. I found a way to accomplish this, but I am not sure how long term it is. I'd share my idea, but I don't want someone to ruin it for me in case there is a way to identify who I am. I can assure you, it is something that people don't usually do.

Has anyone ever tried to be a Sunday pew sitting Mormon long term? No authority, no temple.. Sing the hymns, listen to speakers, dwell in the spirit while people take the sacrament (not taking myself) and go home after Sunday School. Is it possible to not have a testimony of Eternal Families and still go to church?

Thanks for reading and your future replies.

[Its_Complicated]

One more thing, I may sound like someone who is a malcontent, someone with personality issues or whatever. I am successful in my career, people pay me good money to come to their workplace and have spoke in front of crabby executives multiple times. In the church setting, I don't feel as confident or welcome.

[The Beast]

I think it's possible, but it ain't easy. I did it for eight years, but finally quit because, like you apparently, I felt no real connection with my ward. I am sorry for your lack of connection and poor treatment from God's covenant people.

[Korihor]

I think user azflyer on this forum is a good match for you. He knows all the issues, but just likes being a Mormon and has very open-minded views about things.

What you're describing is possible, just not easy. In my opinion, your local Bishop should be happy just to have one more butt in the pews. However, they want much more than that of you. Just talk with your BP, explain your position and plan and be sincere. I'd say you have a good chance of getting your way as along as you are sincere. I think the church is becoming more flexible on stuff like this (even if they don't admit it) because it's becoming more and more common.

If your BP can't tolerate your type of plan, then go to another ward that will allow your approach. I am assuming you're in a rather dense LDS area, so finding another ward nearby shouldn't be a problem. If you're willing to take a lackadaisical approach to so many other rules in the church, this one should be easy as well.

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

The cultural and social structure of the church is set up to combat benign attendance habits unfortunately. Doesn't mean you can't hack the system to your benefit but it takes effort to fly under the radar. I feel like I'm in a pretty comfortable place right now in limiting my participation according to my desires, but lots of things could disrupt that dynamic if my current leadership changes.

[MalcolmVillager]

Sapiens are tribal people. Your yearning for connections is genetic. I wonder if you can get what you need in another church or organization.

That being said, many wards have people like you. Maybe find a way to contribute in a sustainable way.

[20/20hind]

I think you should be confident and happy in your life.

If that means going back to the lds church on your own terms and you set your own personal boundaries. You will be fine.

You deserve to be happy.

[Its_Complicated]

You deserve to be happy.

Thanks! Sometimes I don't think I deserve to be happy. I have been struggling with shame for years. Shame that I didn't measure up as a child or teenager and was a pain for people to deal with. Shame that I left and made all sorts of changes to run away from my trouble instead of facing them. Shame that I let myself get entangled in P0rn as an outlet for being lonely. Shame of coming back after 10 years of being gone and be threatened by Bishop's Court. Worst of all, shame of being a Sunday School President and going to Ward Councils twice a month and then be forgotten about the second I leave. I heard for years how we help people in the Ward, but nobody felt like taking the time to call or write an email. People gave up on me, left me to walk the path alone because I wasn't a model Mormon. I blame myself for it all, but I am a product of an environment of bullying and loneliness. If I return fully, I would imagine that the Bishop would not appreciate my involvement in Community of Christ and the threat of Bishop's Court will happen again.

I want to stay within Mormonism because I have a testimony of the Restored Gospel and want to share it with others. My family has a very long history with the church and feel I have a calling somewhere in it. I am not sure if it is with Community of Christ, LDS, Snufferites or somewhere else. I have to find out, somehow. I am trying the shed my burdens somehow because they are too heavy for me to carry anymore. God comforts me when I am sad, He has a plan but I believe I have to be ready. With all this shame and baggage, how am I suppose to do anything?

Sorry, it turned into a mess here.

[20/20hind]

Sometimes I get caught up in trying to fix everything that I need to work on. Try learning how to play the piano, learn a new language, finish college, have a full time job, try doing all those things at the same time..

Successful people focus on one thing at a time. Find your one thing, focus on it and get good at it then move on to the next.

I'm an introvert, that does not mesh at all with being a Mormon. Try being more social at church. Say hello to someone and start a conversation with them. Ask them about themselves. You will find that you will make friends at church, you may even find someone with your same beliefs.

I know you really didn't ask for advice, but that has helped me a lot lately. I've tried to be more outgoing and approachable.

[RubinHighlander]

Sapiens are tribal people. Your yearning for connections is genetic. I wonder if you can get what you need in another church or organization.

That being said, many wards have people like you. Maybe find a way to contribute in a sustainable way.

This seems to impact the par ado of humans in our society. It's evidenced in religion, political groups and many other organizations. I do not miss the social side of church, never really like the extra circulars, they just felt burdensome on my personal time. My DW is the same so the transition out was easy for us. I must come from a genetic line of loners or explorers because I fulfill my evolutionary desires by going out into the wilderness and shooting photography. I have much greater metaphysical (spiritual) experiences there than I ever did sitting in a church or temple or reading scriptures.

I get that most folks feel more secure and happy when they are in a group that accepts them, listens to them, and values them. Most groups in our modern society of prosperity are more superficial now and those real attributes are lacking. When we were in tribes that truly relied on each other for survival it was more fulfilling and meaningful. The only way to get that now is to be in a military conflict on the front lines or go through something awful, like cancer, where those around you rally and really show their caring and loving nature. There are actual studies that show this to be true and those folks who were in those nasty situations actually long for those times because of the love and support they felt that is lacking when things are in a steady state. It's a real challenge in our society and likely a huge contributor to depression and other social ills.

My suggestion is to try to other things to fill that hole you feel in your life with these religious groups; they do not seem to have provide you what you seek so far. If you feel a longing to go back because of the truth claims of the LDS church in their scriptures and dogma, I'd caution against that as a reason because you'll find here in this forum that is the very reason most of us left or struggle with it. You can find truth and spiritual fulfillment outside of any man-made corporation, which is what the LDS church is, and it does not come with all the baggage, guilt and fear driven rhetoric...IMHO.

Good luck!

[Silver Girl]

Have you tried visiting a few mainstream Protestant churches? I find them to have more of a defined belief system and also more organized ways to serve and to join in the community. The C of C sometimes seems a bit too ambiguous and loosie-goosie for me. There are many Protestant denominations that offer very spiritual experiences, excellent theology in their teachings, sincere service to others and great communities of people. There's no controlling or oppressive atmosphere, no pressure to do a certain calling or pay 10% (and get questioned about it once a year), no shunning or crazy cult behaviors.

Maybe give other churches a try before going back to a place that, from what you say, wasn't all that great to begin with?

[Its_Complicated]

My suggestion is to try to other things to fill that hole you feel in your life with these religious groups; they do not seem to have provide you what you seek so far. If you feel a longing to go back because of the truth claims of the LDS church in their scriptures and dogma, I'd caution against that as a reason because you'll find here in this forum that is the very reason most of us left or struggle with it.

Thanks for commenting. I do not feel that the COJCOLDS is the one true church, I think that only existed in 1830 and it died in 1844 due to lack of one clear successor. Man has ruined the creation/restoration of the original church with their ideas and pride. So I function in a space of relying on scripture and revelation by trusted Prophets. If it isn't in scripture as a revelation, I don't have a testimony of it and am skeptical. I think for myself, no one can demand my belief of anything. So really, I am not coming back because of any kind of truth claims.

I guess I am trying to find the tribe of like minded people and develop friendships that are real. The last time I was active, it seemed that I had a lot of fake friends that only liked me when I was doing what they want. When they found out I can't or am not worthy to do what they want, they discarded me like yesterday's newspaper. That hurts.. At least with me "hacking" church, at least I can worship in a familiar setting and format.

I bet it all doesn't make much sense..

[Newme]

Thanks for commenting. I do not feel that the COJCOLDS is the one true church, I think that only existed in 1830 and it died in 1844 due to lack of one clear successor. Man has ruined the creation/restoration of the original church with their ideas and pride. So I function in a space of relying on scripture and revelation by trusted Prophets. If it isn't in scripture as a revelation, I don't have a testimony of it and am skeptical. I think for myself, no one can demand my belief of anything. So really, I am not coming back because of any kind of truth claims.

I guess I am trying to find the tribe of like minded people and develop friendships that are real. The last time I was active, it seemed that I had a lot of fake friends that only liked me when I was doing what they want. When they found out I can't or am not worthy to do what they want, they discarded me like yesterday's newspaper. That hurts.. At least with me "hacking" church, at least I can worship in a familiar setting and format.

I bet it all doesn't make much sense..

It makes complete sense! I can relate with so much you mentioned. Maybe what's most painful is to realize that people (not just Mormons, though they're good at it) tend to be very conditional in their friendship. Some can turn from a superficial friend to a bullying enemy because of the strong pull to join the crowd. There are some rarities, who love not because of someone believing as they do, but because it's just who they are. They care about people generally. But I really relate with it feeling lonely at times, and as if I just don't completely fit in anywhere.

When you mentioned something you've done to help you endure church, but you didn't want to share and risk ruining anonminity, I kind of laughed because for several years, I also did something unique to maintain my sanity while still being "active." Whatever works! I maximized the heck out of that strategy and finally it was worn out and I've had to go a different rout. I go to church, but have learned to maintain boundaries - to say no sometimes, but also yes - to give people (including myself) a chance. Generally, I take with me some good reading material for church, go to Sacrament meeting & Gospel Essentials (less people and I feel more open to comment) - then I leave.

I also consider myself mostly at stage 5. My focus now is more psych-ology - study of the soul, particularly my soul. I'm trying to heal from my dysfunctional upbringing (both family & church). There are several life traps and cognitive distortions I'm working on overcoming. I explored healing arts and am intrigued by some aspects of Chinese Medicine. There's so much to learn! But "intelligence" at the root meaning is "to choose between." So, I'm trying to put everything on the table and consciously and carefully choose what helps most.

[Corsair]

I guess I am trying to find the tribe of like minded people and develop friendships that are real. The last time I was active, it seemed that I had a lot of fake friends that only liked me when I was doing what they want. When they found out I can't or am not worthy to do what they want, they discarded me like yesterday's newspaper. That hurts.. At least with me "hacking" church, at least I can worship in a familiar setting and format.

I bet it all doesn't make much sense..

Your situation is not that different from many of us. I have a current temple recommend and serve on the Scout Committee working closely with the Young Men. I attend all three hours of church regularly and I sing in the ward choir. As a counterpoint, I am entirely an unbeliever and I finished off my morning coffee earlier today.

But my wife is a full believer and knows my belief level. I am surrounded by good friends and lots of family who are all devout. The LDS tribe "works" for me as long as I don't mouth off at church. The LDS church absolutely works for many people and it appears to largely work for you. It works quite well for millions of active believers. It functions as a reasonable social group for me and it keeps a very pleasant peace in my marriage.

It is OK to be the kind of Mormon that works for you personally. Don't try to get permission from your bishop on your desired level of belief of activity. If you can live happily with your current activity then don't try to get further justification from believers since they often will not approve. Instead, trust your own carefully considered moral sense.

[well wandered]

I wouldn't try to go back solo. You might have blamed it on your shame or just feeling out of place, but it's not a coincidence everyone that tries eventually feels the same way. Most people immediately, even investigators.

The Church does not want people to be attending family wards without their families. Spaces that are comfortable for families and spaces that are comfortable to attend individually really don't mix. Our church is no different. So if you attend by yourself, you'll burn out and feel the way you described, which is the way you're intended to feel until you either leave or come back with your family. It's something you're going to need your SO to come along with you for if you want to be part of the tribe.

Try to imagine this- if even most of the most active members were transplanted into a new family ward where they could only attend by themselves, over time, would you imagine them still being the same gung-ho leaders, or would they would find it lonely also over the years (which usually leads to not attending)? I think attending as a family is what makes Church special.

Maybe if your birthday falls on a Sunday you can be aggressive.

[GoodBoy]

Unless you are hurting someone, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I think it's possible to just sit in the back and do nothing at church if you are OK with telling people no several times a year.

[tryingtogetitright]

Yes, it is completely possible to attend church without becoming involved in church. In some wards you won't even be noticed in doing so. And if you aren't a member, then just saying you aren't and that you want to be left completely alone in the missionary work so bishop should see to that. If someone asks for your info and you are a member, you can simply decline to give it. The flip side would be to go and act like a member even if you aren't, and simply turn down callings or requests for interviews.

[Its_Complicated]

TryingtoGetItRight has cracked the formula I am doing.. Be vague, evasive but kind and polite. Last time I was there, a nice little-old-lady type was so kind, telling me that she has been going to the Ward for 50 years and raised her family there. I loved hearing about the olden days, you can tell she enjoyed telling her stories. Being a listening ear is something I enjoy doing, hopefully I made her day.

To me, building community and being there for our Brothers and Sisters is what church should be about. No authority, secret traditions and awkward interviews are required to build our own little Zion around us. I was talking to a life long Community of Christ member, who is a Seventy, about this process and after giving him my backstory, he sees why I am trying build my own LDS church. He said it won't be the easiest thing to do but very possible.

So I continue on seeking and searching for the good things. Be there for people, share an uplifting message of Jesus Christ's mission and enjoy the journey into the boarderlands where exciting experiences can be had. Heavenly Father loves me regardless, Jesus is my advocate when I fall short and hopefully the Holy Ghost continues to walk with me even when I do dumb things.

If it is all fake and a fraud, I will still come out ahead because I am good to ALL people. The stories of Jesus Christ visiting people who were imperfect gives me the hope I need that I am doing good things.

Thanks all, for reading. God's blessings to us all.

[orangganjil]

I know Lavina Fielding Andersen still attends her ward each week, despite having been excommunicated. God's net catches all sorts of fish.