Unwritten Articles of Faith

[moksha]

The ultimate determinant for the truth claims of any church is the size of its investment funds.

[deacon blues]

Like Abraham and Heber C. Kimball, we believe that obedience to god, his church, and his prophet is the penultimate law. Anything else, including civil law, observable scientific principles, and personal conscience (sometimes referred to as the light of Christ) may be subordinated to this ultimate, glorious reality.

[alas]

Like Abraham and Heber C. Kimball, we believe that obedience to god, his church, and his prophet is the penultimate law. Anything else, including civil law, observable scientific principles, and personal conscience (sometimes referred to as the light of Christ) may be subordinated to this ultimate, glorious reality.

You really see how strong this is in Mormonism by how people practiced polygamy. They felt it was wrong when they first heard about it, but because the prophet said it was from God, they were quite willing to violate their own conscience. You also saw it when the POX first came out. People initially thought this couldn’t be from the prophet because it is wrong morally, but as soon as they were convinced it really was from the prophet, they threw their own conscience in the gutter to follow the prophet.

[Reuben]

More creeds extracted from For the Strength of Youth.

This section stretched me.

*****

Music and Dancing

We believe that there are save two kinds of music only: the music of the Lamb of God and the music of the Devil.

We believe that to be music of the Devil, a song need only have a suggestive lyric, a dirty word or an intense beat, be popular, or suggest drinking coffee when played backwards; and that to be music of the Lamb, a song must be a hymn, YMCA because youth dances, or the harmless music we grew up with when the world was not so ripe with wickedness.

We believe that because the Spirit flees like Joseph from Potiphar's wife when it detects the ghost of a possibility of a suggestion of sin, which would leave us lifeless worldly husks like our poor nonmember friends, we must exorcise from our surroundings any music of the Devil, music sung by the same artist, and music that vaguely reminds us of it, and replace it with music of the Lamb.

We believe in singing hymns to ourselves when we have dirty thoughts, and do not believe that doing so can associate those hymns with the dirty thoughts. We claim that any resulting deluge of filthy ideas during sacrament meeting is perfectly normal, as it is actually just Satan trying to bring down one of the elect.

We believe in planning youth dances under the assumption that teenagers are one temptation away from an all-out orgy, especially the young men, the filthy animals. Yea, we believe in smothering their lustful desires under a fire blanket of oppressive wholesomeness, so they will not be abandoned by their magic 8-balls when they need their balls the most.

We believe in not using music to shut people out, which Reuben can't really make fun of.

We believe that the Spirit is so fragile and weak that it can be drowned out by listening to any kind of music for too long, including the music of the only True and Living Choir. Indeed we may say that detecting spiritual feelings is as difficult as detecting gravity waves, feeling a pea through a stack of mattresses, or finding sense in the Democratic platform.

We believe in dancing non-suggestively, as is done by the Cougarettes. Rawr. We also believe in dancing non-violently, though we have no idea what that might mean.

[hmb]

Like Abraham and Heber C. Kimball, we believe that obedience to god, his church, and his prophet is the penultimate law. Anything else, including civil law, observable scientific principles, and personal conscience (sometimes referred to as the light of Christ) may be subordinated to this ultimate, glorious reality.

You really see how strong this is in Mormonism by how people practiced polygamy. They felt it was wrong when they first heard about it, but because the prophet said it was from God, they were quite willing to violate their own conscience. You also saw it when the POX first came out. People initially thought this couldn’t be from the prophet because it is wrong morally, but as soon as they were convinced it really was from the prophet, they threw their own conscience in the gutter to follow the prophet.

POX?

I accepted Polygamy as a "calling." I thought it began with BY. When I learnt of JS being a polygamist, and that the church did not deny it, that was the swift beginning to the end. I felt deceived. Sins of omission are okay by the church, but not its people Uh uh. Sins of commission (polyandry, under-aged girls) okay for a prophet?? That started a whole spiral of fact finding.

[alas]

Like Abraham and Heber C. Kimball, we believe that obedience to god, his church, and his prophet is the penultimate law. Anything else, including civil law, observable scientific principles, and personal conscience (sometimes referred to as the light of Christ) may be subordinated to this ultimate, glorious reality.

You really see how strong this is in Mormonism by how people practiced polygamy. They felt it was wrong when they first heard about it, but because the prophet said it was from God, they were quite willing to violate their own conscience. You also saw it when the POX first came out. People initially thought this couldn’t be from the prophet because it is wrong morally, but as soon as they were convinced it really was from the prophet, they threw their own conscience in the gutter to follow the prophet.

POX?

I accepted Polygamy as a "calling." I thought it began with BY. When I learnt of JS being a polygamist, and that the church did not deny it, that was the swift beginning to the end. I felt deceived. Sins of omission are okay by the church, but not its people Uh uh. Sins of commission (polyandry, under-aged girls) okay for a prophet?? That started a whole spiral of fact finding.

POX= policy of exclusion. The policy given by inspiration and later withdrawn when God changed his mind about the children living with gay parents being excluded from being blessed, baptized, or ordained to priesthood. When the rumor of it broke, many TBMs didn’t believe it came from the church because the church would never exclude children because of their parents sin. But when the church acknowledged that it was an update to the handbook, said TBMs were quickly defending how this was actually good for the children.

[Emower]

This was a funny thread. I think its clear that basically anything, at any time, can be potentially an article of faith, but they can be pulled back at anytime and members will support it. But they can also be reinstated at anytime. They can even be ephemeral articles and the members will ask how long they need to believe this for and set a reminder in their phone to quit believing it at that date. Murdering your enemy at one point was basically an article of faith. Treason against country for the longest time was an article of faith sworn to in the temple. You could argue that is more article of faithy than the actual articles. Make no mistake, this is a cult.

[Hagoth]

POX= policy of exclusion... TBMs were quickly defending how this was actually good for the children.

which was also the defense the church gave, AND was ALSO the defense they gave when they changed it again. Everything they do is right, even when self-contradictory.

[Hagoth]

This was a funny thread. I think its clear that basically anything, at any time, can be potentially an article of faith, but they can be pulled back at anytime and members will support it.

Maybe it's time for an overhaul:

The One Article of Faith: We believe in believing what we are told to believe.

[Reuben]

Now this section of For the Strength of Youth was dead easy.

A theme is emerging. Nothing about this life is actually about this life. It's all about the next one, or about your connection with Invisible Powers of light and darkness. How disconnected from reality it all seems now that I'm not exposed to it on the regular!

Also, no wonder a faith crisis gives you such whiplash.

*****

Physical and Emotional Health

We believe that our bodies are temples and are gifts from God, which by transfer of authority gives the Prophet and apostles stewardship over them. We do not believe that this is in any way creepy.

We believe that the Word of Wisdom is a health commandment, when correctly and tortuously interpreted by the Prophet and apostles. However, if we are pressed on uncomfortable details, we claim the privilege of pivoting to the Word of Wisdom being blood on the doorposts that allows us to keep our magic 8-balls of spiritual feelings.

We believe in staying free from addictions to keep control over our lives, so that we will be free to choose to do what the Prophet and apostles tell us we must do. We do not see this as a contradiction.

We believe that contrary to Satan's lies, those who break the Word of Wisdom will become sad, lonely and ugly. Also, they will be kicked out of Heavenly Father's house because it is a no-smoking zone and they will not be able to stop smoking after they are dead. We are so serious about this that we believe in kicking them out of His houses on Earth right now so He does not have to smell them and be forced to choose to be offended.

We believe that members who feel shame and more distant from God after breaking the Word of Wisdom have only themselves to blame.

We believe that alcohol impairs judgment, and in healthy food, in exercise, in good sleep, and in moderation in all things, which Reuben probably can't figure out how to have fun with.

We do not believe that moderation in all things extends to potentially addictive substances, including tea and coffee, because they can destroy our minds, bodies and families, and while we are at it, our communities and possibly the whole world in an addiction holocaust in which humanity is reduced to wandering a broken hellscape to search for the last heroin pill.

We believe that avoiding extremes in diet, but not extremes in belief, is sufficient to avoid eating disorders, and that not engaging in self-harm is an act of will.

We believe that most emotional ill health arises from not exerting enough willpower, or from acting or thinking in a way that causes the Spirit to choose to be offended. A possible occasional exception is depression, which is properly understood as the loss of magic 8-ball of spiritual feelings. We cannot explain how this could happen without the losers being at fault, except that maybe they are being tested, and we are sure glad it is not happening to us as far as you know.

We believe that staying healthy is less about wellbeing and happiness than fulfilling our divine potential, which by sacred equivalence means fulfilling our potential in the Church, as well as making it into heterosexual, polygamous heaven to wholesomely cavort with the prior spouses of those who drank beer on Earth.

[Emower]

This was a funny thread. I think its clear that basically anything, at any time, can be potentially an article of faith, but they can be pulled back at anytime and members will support it.

Maybe it's time for an overhaul:

The One Article of Faith: We believe in believing what we are told to believe.

This suggestions sounds like One Article to rule them all and One Article to find them, One Article to bring them all and in the darkness bind them!

[Reuben]

This was a funny thread. I think its clear that basically anything, at any time, can be potentially an article of faith, but they can be pulled back at anytime and members will support it.

Maybe it's time for an overhaul:

The One Article of Faith: We believe in believing what we are told to believe.

This suggestions sounds like One Article to rule them all and One Article to find them, One Article to bring them all and in the darkness bind them!

I agree that Article of Faith Zero subsumes all the rest, but I won't let that ruin my fun.

Believers on NOM should know that when I refer to deities below, I refer to the Mormon versions of them. I like and feel like I know much better versions nowadays, and I'm sure you do, too.

*****

Repentance

We do not believe in the apostate doctrine of original sin, but instead the exalting doctrine that we are born clean and quickly become filthy because we are terrible and worthless.

We believe sin makes us dirty in invisible, spiritual ways that we and our bishops can totally feel, and that apostles can probably smell because unlike the Savior's friends when he lived on Earth, they must be spiritually spotless to be so close to Him.

We believe that through the atonement of Christ, all mankind may live on the edge of a knife, teetering between exaltation and godhood on one side, and damnation and rejection by our loving Heavenly Father on the other.

We believe that an essential part of obtaining forgiveness is petitioning an easily offended Being whom we have no direct evidence of, that our petition will be answered in an unspecified way when He is satisfied that we have repented, and that if we have repented but do not feel forgiven, it is our fault for listening to Satan or possibly committing the same sin again in the future.

We believe that to be exalted and live in heterosexual, polygamous heaven with our loved ones and assigned wives, Jesus must make Heavenly Father forget how awful we are, and then we must become perfect through our own blood, sweat and tears.

We believe that Jesus can help us become perfect through the atonement somehow, even though we acknowledge His abysmal medical healing track record, because it makes no sense to have the corresponding faith not to be saved. Probably.

We believe that the best way to show our love to God is to reprogram ourselves to each of his exacting specifications, whether they be reasonable or obsessive and petty, so He can fully love us when we step off the assembly line of mortality to be judged.

We believe that it is possible to change our attitudes and behavior and that we should right past wrongs, which are the only things in this dumpster fire of a section that Reuben thinks are healthy.

We believe that by the sacred equivalence of the Gospel and the Church, doing things the Church defines as sinful to experience them or test their effects is the same as spitting in Jesus's face and pounding the nails in ourselves.

We believe that repentance is for members individually, never the Church as a collective, especially if led to repent by the Prophet because that would make our fragile testimonies fly to pieces like glass.

[Palerider]

This was a funny thread. I think its clear that basically anything, at any time, can be potentially an article of faith, but they can be pulled back at anytime and members will support it.

Maybe it's time for an overhaul:

The One Article of Faith: We believe in believing what we are told to believe.

This! I have to remember this. Where's my pen....?

[moksha]

We believe in using multiple shell companies to hide investments.

[RubinHighlander]

We believe that the anemic offerings in seminary and institute are a spiritual feast that we are ashamed to be bored with and ungrateful for. We believe that suffering through them will make our magic 8-balls of spiritual feelings work better because God rewards personal sacrifice, whether of food, water, time, critical thought, or truth.

Our "Magic 8 Balls" LMAO! Reading a double-entendre there.

[Hagoth]

JS8ball.jpg (200.47 KiB) Viewed 9340 times

[Reuben]

JS8ball.jpg

It's going to take a while for me to stop laughing...