My Overgrown Front Yard

[Give It Time]

My front yard has been an eyesore. I don't want to go into the reasons why my sons won't help. I'm disappointed, there, but it is what it is. I'm busy with other things and don't always have the time or energy, or when I do, the weather is inclement. Then there's the ward aspect. The yard work became a bone of contention between me and the former bishop. Without obtaining permission from me to do the yard work, they did the yard work. I didn't discover this until I was pulling out of the garage to run some errands and found someone trimming my hedges. Of course, I'm the problem, because I didn't appreciate this rude effort to help me.

Then there was the promise of helping me with some yard maintenance that never materialized and I ended up coughing up $1,000 to have the work done myself. There are the two summers I tried to hire two boys from separate families to do some work in my yard for which they had tools I did not. Two separate families, two summers I attempted this. Not one returned phone call.

All of the sudden I'm getting priesthood holders saying in a forlorn voice they sure wish I'd let them perform the service of cleaning up my front yard. My neighbor, the home teachers, the new bishop. Problem is, it was really overgrown. I've tried to trim those hedges, myself. Some of the branches on one of the bushes required a saw. That same bush requires a ladder on uneven ground to hack away the necessary vegetation.

I didn't want the ward doing this for several reasons. First, the most obvious:

I haven't been active or a tithe payer, for quite awhile. This service would instill in me a sense of obligation to either come to church or return the service to my neighbors. I don't wish to do the first and the second is truly more than I would be able to take on.

I also have a feeling that this would be construed as my admitting defeat.

Second, the less obvious:

Safety, as I mentioned, there are parts of my landscaping that are now beyond the scope of ordinary garden tools.
I only have so much insurance. If something happened to someone on my property, I would not only feel terrible, I could really get in a financial bind.

The work probably wouldn't be done to my specifications. I may want or need things to be a certain way, but I've worked with enough people providing service that you will get how they give it to you and you will say thank you. When I'm hiring the work done, it's money and a good reference that is exchanged. I have more of a say in the outcome of the work.

Third, and really the reason for this post. I explained the situation to my coworker in the barest of details and the words, "my yard needs professional help" just popped out of my mouth. We both laughed at this appropriate, impromptu humor.

The landscapers came and did all the work for a very reasonable price. One of the landscapers wore a tank top and I think he could tell I wasn't a Molly. He seemed grateful to have met me. The yard looks terrific. The everything is now short enough and contained enough, I can keep it up myself or with minimal help.

My yard was like so many problems in the church. So many well meaning people thinking they can solve a problem that requires professional know how, tools, bonding and insurance. They seem to think that with enough good intentions, enough scouts needing to fulfill a service requirement and enough pick up trucks, they can solve your problems.

Quite simply, the church and most religions simply don't have the ability to solve certain large problems. They can help out with certain smaller tasks and do those things extremely well. Those smaller tasks don't place the receiver under as large an obligation and the receiver can work out a simple exchange. If things go wrong or get damaged, there isn't a lot of liability.

Awhile ago, I asked if the church could handle my situation. Then along came this analogy of the overgrown yard. Nice people that they are, some things are just out of the ken of amateur good will and pickup trucks. Sometimes professional help is what is needed and there's no shame in admitting that and there's no shame for an organization to admit that a problem is out of its depth.

[Thoughtful]

I haven't been active or a tithe payer, for quite awhile. This service would instill in me a sense of obligation to either come to church or return the service to my neighbors.

Social norm of reciprocity.

[Give It Time]

I haven't been active or a tithe payer, for quite awhile. This service would instill in me a sense of obligation to either come to church or return the service to my neighbors.

Social norm of reciprocity.

Basically.

They know this. They prey on this. If I let all these people do massive amounts of service for me and I don't reciprocate by either returning service, barter or attending church, I am a user. Even if they ask to give service and I acquiesce to their request, there is an understanding that I will "owe" them.

[Palerider]

Someone here can correct me if I'm wrong but I think the church's insurance will cover someone if it's an injury in connection with a church sponsored project.

Also, I think the church needs to grow in the area of doing service WITHOUT expecting anything in return. As a matter of fact it's kind of ungodly to only serve where reciprocity is expected and you should feel privileged to help them learn this vital lesson. Consider it your service back to them that you're teaching them this principle correctly.

If having the yard done in a professional way is critical to your type A personality then hiring an expert is definitely the right choice.

[Give It Time]

Someone here can correct me if I'm wrong but I think the church's insurance will cover someone if it's an injury in connection with a church sponsored project.

Also, I think the church needs to grow in the area of doing service WITHOUT expecting anything in return. As a matter of fact it's kind of ungodly to only serve where reciprocity is expected and you should feel privileged to help them learn this vital lesson. Consider it your service back to them that you're teaching them this principle correctly.

If having the yard done in a professional way is critical to your type A personality then hiring an expert is definitely the right choice.

I thought about the church having insurance for church sponsored activities. I still don't want to rely on that, because, simply put, I don't trust the church. Crap. My usual example: I sat in church a good ten years hearing over the pulpit how the church absolutely condemns abuse in all forms. I honestly thought that when I called the bishop that night, fifteen years ago, I would get actual useful aid and support, because I believed all those statements. They can't talk themselves out of a position they behaved themselves into and continue to behave themselves into. I simply don't trust the church. They are the ones who screwed my children and me over on more than one occasion and I see them making no efforts whatsoever to change.

Also there'd just be the awkwardness. I once knew of a man doing church service on church property with church-owned equipment. He lost his arm. I just wouldn't want that to happen while people are doing service for me. Insurance or no.

[Gatorbait]

Sometimes I go months without looking at NOM. Seems like most of the topics get resurrected again and again, but not in this case. This is an original and thought provoking thread, in my opinion, and this is how I see it being something a lot of us can learn from.

First, it is not better in all cases to give than to receive. When we graciously accept a gift in a kind and loving way, all are edificed. It is the best sort of win-win. A kind mother accepts a child's scribbles on a scap of paper, and the mommy acknowledges the act with and heartfelt thanks. So easy to love a child. So easy to accept this offering in peace and love. It is a beautiful thing to see this.

We should be gracious receivers to all. Shake an extended hand, return a smile, a hello. These are things we all know and the rules never change, they just come along in different forms.

No one knows how hard of a battle each of us are having, but when people offer a helping hand, well, that's a good thing. It doesn't matter who is trying to help, I think that it is our duty to receive an offered gift in a kind way- even if we feel that the giver was compelled to help rather than doing it as gifts are meant to be given.

Good luck with this my dear. My suggestion- let them help. Let them come and clean and tidy your front yard and make it look terrific. You deserve to be helped. You have earned the right to be helped because you are a good person. Good things happen to good people. Now it time to be a gracious receiver.

[Give It Time]

I think I've written five posts trying to explain.

Know what?

I have been a gracious receiver on other occasions. I also know my circumstances and know I made the right decision for me.

[alas]

Sometimes I go months without looking at NOM. Seems like most of the topics get resurrected again and again, but not in this case. This is an original and thought provoking thread, in my opinion, and this is how I see it being something a lot of us can learn from.

First, it is not better in all cases to give than to receive. When we graciously accept a gift in a kind and loving way, all are edificed. It is the best sort of win-win. A kind mother accepts a child's scribbles on a scap of paper, and the mommy acknowledges the act with and heartfelt thanks. So easy to love a child. So easy to accept this offering in peace and love. It is a beautiful thing to see this.

We should be gracious receivers to all. Shake an extended hand, return a smile, a hello. These are things we all know and the rules never change, they just come along in different forms.

No one knows how hard of a battle each of us are having, but when people offer a helping hand, well, that's a good thing. It doesn't matter who is trying to help, I think that it is our duty to receive an offered gift in a kind way- even if we feel that the giver was compelled to help rather than doing it as gifts are meant to be given.

Good luck with this my dear. My suggestion- let them help. Let them come and clean and tidy your front yard and make it look terrific. You deserve to be helped. You have earned the right to be helped because you are a good person. Good things happen to good people. Now it time to be a gracious receiver.

In most cases, I totally agree with you. My mother was inactive and widowed, and she had a great home teacher, who mowed her huge lawn and shoveled her snow. She did not change her attitude toward the church, but saw these gifts as gifts of caring from neighbors. Her neighbors picked up her mail and brought it to her, took her grocery shopping or just got her list of things she needed and bought them for her and she payed them back for the cost f the groceries.

But, I am like GIT, in that I have had too many problems with the church to be willing to accept any kind of gift of service of goods.

I think most times it is the best advice not to look a gift horse in the mouth....Just ask the city of Troy how that worked out for them. The trick is to know a gift horse from a Trojen horse.

As far as my neighbor's, I would accept service, but as an official act from the church, I really hesitate. I still have an active husband, and he has accepted service from the church. But once I don't have him as the one who can return service to the church, I will not accept organized service, because I don't trust the church.

GIT's reasons are valid. If a group comes in to help, they do it how they do it, and you smile and say thanks, even if they kill your flowers. The church has limited liability over volunteers at such events. That is why you sign a waiver of liability for camp. The church insists that if you have medical insurance or liability insurance that your private insurance pays before it does. Just the way the church protects itself, so if someone did get hurt on your property at a church sponsored event, you could still be held liable. Unless it can be proven that the church was itself negligent, you are liable. (I am not a lawyer, but I know of cases where this happened and the church refused liability because nothing it did caused the ladder to break. As far as I am concerned, the church abuses volunteers. And even if the church should give without expecting in return, the people who do the service may have expectations that they will be unhappy if those expectations are not met. The Mormon church does not teach members to give without expecting something in return. That is why people wear those "helping hands" t-shirts. The church expects at least publicity and recognition out of the service of it members.

So, if someone wants to protect themselves from an organization that does not have her best interests in mind, I think she has that right. And to me, the church has proven that they do not have the best interests of members in mind, but the best interests of the organization.

[Thoughtful]

I would not count on church insurance. They make parents of youth sign waivers for every Little thing.

[Give It Time]

Sometimes I go months without looking at NOM. Seems like most of the topics get resurrected again and again, but not in this case. This is an original and thought provoking thread, in my opinion, and this is how I see it being something a lot of us can learn from.

First, it is not better in all cases to give than to receive. When we graciously accept a gift in a kind and loving way, all are edificed. It is the best sort of win-win. A kind mother accepts a child's scribbles on a scap of paper, and the mommy acknowledges the act with and heartfelt thanks. So easy to love a child. So easy to accept this offering in peace and love. It is a beautiful thing to see this.

We should be gracious receivers to all. Shake an extended hand, return a smile, a hello. These are things we all know and the rules never change, they just come along in different forms.

No one knows how hard of a battle each of us are having, but when people offer a helping hand, well, that's a good thing. It doesn't matter who is trying to help, I think that it is our duty to receive an offered gift in a kind way- even if we feel that the giver was compelled to help rather than doing it as gifts are meant to be given.

Good luck with this my dear. My suggestion- let them help. Let them come and clean and tidy your front yard and make it look terrific. You deserve to be helped. You have earned the right to be helped because you are a good person. Good things happen to good people. Now it time to be a gracious receiver.

In most cases, I totally agree with you. My mother was inactive and widowed, and she had a great home teacher, who mowed her huge lawn and shoveled her snow. She did not change her attitude toward the church, but saw these gifts as gifts of caring from neighbors. Her neighbors picked up her mail and brought it to her, took her grocery shopping or just got her list of things she needed and bought them for her and she payed them back for the cost f the groceries.

But, I am like GIT, in that I have had too many problems with the church to be willing to accept any kind of gift of service of goods.

I think most times it is the best advice not to look a gift horse in the mouth....Just ask the city of Troy how that worked out for them. The trick is to know a gift horse from a Trojen horse.

As far as my neighbor's, I would accept service, but as an official act from the church, I really hesitate. I still have an active husband, and he has accepted service from the church. But once I don't have him as the one who can return service to the church, I will not accept organized service, because I don't trust the church.

GIT's reasons are valid. If a group comes in to help, they do it how they do it, and you smile and say thanks, even if they kill your flowers. The church has limited liability over volunteers at such events. That is why you sign a waiver of liability for camp. The church insists that if you have medical insurance or liability insurance that your private insurance pays before it does. Just the way the church protects itself, so if someone did get hurt on your property at a church sponsored event, you could still be held liable. Unless it can be proven that the church was itself negligent, you are liable. (I am not a lawyer, but I know of cases where this happened and the church refused liability because nothing it did caused the ladder to break. As far as I am concerned, the church abuses volunteers. And even if the church should give without expecting in return, the people who do the service may have expectations that they will be unhappy if those expectations are not met. The Mormon church does not teach members to give without expecting something in return. That is why people wear those "helping hands" t-shirts. The church expects at least publicity and recognition out of the service of it members.

So, if someone wants to protect themselves from an organization that does not have her best interests in mind, I think she has that right. And to me, the church has proven that they do not have the best interests of members in mind, but the best interests of the organization.

This is basically it. There is a difference between neighbors being neighborly and the church being the church. Even so, in Utah County it's very hard to tell the difference. However, I've been very grateful for the anonymous gifts. If someone turns up on my doorstep who isn't a representative from a presidency or program, an HR/VT or a member of the bishopric, then I know it's probably just a neighbor being neighborly. It also if they say, "I", rather than "we". There's also usually a vulnerability in the discussion.

For instance, I wrote in NOM 1.0 about my former Bishop giving me a gift card for Christmas. This was after I had waited a year for the service from them I requested and it never came, so I had the work done and paid for it myself to the tune of $1,000. So, not only was I inconvenienced for a year, but I finally ended up paying for it, myself. So, the fifty dollar gift card felt like more of an insult with strings attached. The card was left on my front porch, was enclosed in a letter on church stationery and signed by the bishop as the bishop. I didn't want this gift. I didn't want the strings attached. It was forced on me and it said in the letter that Bishop would not take no for an answer. I posted about this, back then, and the discussion was very similar.

A year later, new bishop. Earlier in the day, I had caught wind he was offering up his tickets to a game, that night, because he was too busy to go. Evening came and there was a knock at my door. There was the bishop. Handing me an envelope. A gift card, again. However, it was from him, not the church, and I could refuse or accept. I accepted. When I opened the envelope the card was enclosed in plain white paper and he had only signed his name.

Huge difference between these two gestures.